A Nap 'n' Heartsick Jacks

Haha, I really should just stop saying anything about my update schedule. Also, One Big Eyeball tomorrow to cover two weeks, because why the hell not?


Torchwood Episode 1x12 - "Captain Jack Harkness"

Episode Grade: A-


Again, the opening has a tiny snippet of previouslies to remind us that Diane left Owen, and there was angst, and he was a little bit eaten by a Weevil while out on a nihilistic self-destructive emo rampage. Why this is more important to know than anything else that has happened previously, I couldn't possibly say.

Hey, I actually haven't seen this part yet, ever, because the first time I watched the episode, I turned the TV on a little late and missed the first few minutes. I'd forgotten that. I'm sure that will create a totally fascinating altered slant on my recap, dude. OK. The Symmetric Hyena pulls up outside some kinda theatre or something, and Jack and Tosh get out. Tosh is dressed up all smart, because it's her grandfather's 88th birthday, as she explains to Jack once she finishes a phone conversation in Japanese. So, apparently, for the duration of her turning up to work, learning about this assignment and getting in the Hub and being driven here by Jack, Tosh has been on the phone, hence why she has not already explained this to Jack. Or maybe she actually got changed in the Hyena on the way here, as a result of something said in the phone conversation. I don't know. I am pretty much making an absurdly mountainous molehill out of this harmless bit of exposition, I know. So, Tosh adds a little more info about her Japanese heratige, which becomes a lot more important to her character in these last two episodes than the not at all it has previously been. I mean, there was the implication that her parents would not approve of her lesbianic dalliances in "Greeks Bearing Gifts", but otherwise, we've heard nothing of it. But then, other than that episode, we've not learned very much about Tosh in general, so that works for me. "OK, down to business", Jack says, and there's a sudden weird whoosh-zoom for some reason and they enter the theatre, which is in fact a dance hall, apparently. So, business here is, as Tosh exposits, the place has been abandoned for years, but people keep hearing 40s music coming from the building. Hey, just like the music that we're hearing right now! They follow the sound, which dissipates with a quickness, and Jack waxes nostalgic about life back in the day, unsurprisingly, and starts dancing with Tosh, telling her about how "the girls would look into their partners' eyes, smile softly and say..." He gives Tosh a twirl, and she completes his thought with "Jack, mind my laptop!" Jack tells her he was thinking more along to lines of "And how long before you head off for war?" Tosh has no time for his idle banter and just gets on with waving her Geiger meter or whatever, and suddenly the music kicks back up again, coming from back where they came from. Jack and Tosh follow it, again, and hey, there's some "Bad Wolf" graffiti on the wall behind them. Cute.

Turns out Jack and Tosh aren't just hearing the music, they can now see the dance hall exactly as it would have been back in the 40s. Tosh marvels at how real it all looks, Jack's wristwatch tells him that all the people dancing around them are not ghosts, "It's a simple temporal shift. Hahaha, and it's BEAUTIFUL!" Tosh worriedly tells him they should get out, quickly, which Jack acquiesces to, although he obviously doesn't want to. On the way out, someone tells them "Do call again", and it is the creepiest old guy ever to have creeped, like you would not believe. He's like The Gentlemen, or Scorpius, but without all the alien makeup, and oh god the eyes, and this is not even mentioning the voice, which is exactly the voice of The Butler, as in "The Butler did it!". You know what I mean. Dude is creepy, is my point. And, in case you were wondering, I'm not getting this riled up over a bit part, this guy is a major character, which you can tell right here from the way the camera lingers on him scowling after Jack and Tosh as they exit.

Outside, it's still the 40s, and Tosh freaks a little and is all "Where's the [Symmetric Hyena]? Has it been stolen?" because being stuck sixty years ago is a fairly daunting prospect that one would not handle with immediate grace and aplomb, and denial would probably be the initial reaction, yes. Unless, of course, one is one Cpt. Jack Harkness, because 'been there, done that', and besides, he has been stuck in the past for the entire duration of this series anyway. So, Jack just gets this Oz-like "Huh." look and informs Tosh that the Hyena hasn't been stolen, "We have," which is a credits segue if ever I have heard one.

Yep! Credits. This episode is the one all the TWoPpers squeed all over, like, even moreso than "They Keep Killing Suzie", but I already got all that out of the way with the other time travel one, so I won't be quite so full of hyperbolic love, although I certainly did not hate this one. I've been really wavering on my grading for it, mostly because I gave "Ghost Machine" an A- when it clearly deserved a B+ and I'm pretty sure I like this one quite a lot better. Now, I could go back and edit the post and pretend that I gave "Ghost Machine" a B+ all along, and it's not like I've never edited out mistakes in old posts before, but I JUST DON'T KNOW IF MY CONSCIENCE COULD HANDLE IT. Whatever, the grades reflect my approximate opinion of the episode at the time of writing and future events in the series might completely warp those opinions, and clearly I overthink these gradings far, far too much (though this is not actually the cause of my massive delays. Honestly.) Both this one and "Out Of Time" were written by Cath Tregenna, and I think we can all agree that if she took over Chibnall's job, the world would be a much better place full of unicorns ejaculating rainbows and so on and so forth. Let's go!

In the Hub, Owen, who's sleeping on the couch there, for some reason, is woken by an alarm. Ianto informs him that the source of the alarm is Tosh's magical Riftmouth monitoring program, which is picking up some Funky Shit going down, like, say, two members of the Torchwood crew being pulled back in time a few decades, and Ianto notes that it's been picking up more and more Funky Shit lately. Owen's pissed off, because he's out of the loop, and also probably because he's just been woken up, and also probably because that is a pretty normal state for him anyway. Ianto points out that maybe if he wasn't so busy going on self-destructive emo rampages all the time, he'd be more in the loop. Ianto tries to call Tosh, since she'd have a much better understanding of her program, but while the Torchwood phones may be able to get perfect signal underground, even they can't make a call to sixty years in the past. Meanwhile (well, not, but you know...), back in the 40s, Tosh is discovering the same thing, and Jack suggests they get back into the dancehall, since that's where they were when they crossed over. Meanmeanwhile-ish, Ianto sends Gwen over to the dancehall to look for Jack and Tosh.

Dancehall, 1941. Tosh is worrying that they might be stuck here, Jack not particularly convincingly assures her that they'll find a way back, and tries to keep the mood light by joking that, on the bright side, Tosh has "a hell of an excuse not to go to [her] party". This does little to calm Tosh, whose freakout is starting to draw stares. Jack pulls off his Bluetooth headset and tells Tosh they need to try to look like they fit in, and it's pretty lucky that Tosh was supposed to have that party, because her clothes are far less anachronistic than they'd usually be. Tosh points out that this will be easier said than done for her when every other person in the building is white. Jack tells her "Don't worry, you're with the captain," and leads her into the main hall.

Hub, 2008. Owen takes a look through the readouts from the Riftmouth monitor and has a little angst when he's looking at the readout from the day Diane & co. got pulled through it. Apparently the equation for unexpected time travel is "sin ax dx - 1/4 - (sin[2b])/16 x 1/4 = x". Now, I don't expect them to work out the actual equations for time travel, but come on. If you can't come up with more than a couple of sine waves, it'd probably be best for all concerned if you avoided showing it. OK, so the brief view of it on the screen right here, you could probably get away with, since only obsessive compulsive nerds who are pausing to check every detail (hello!) would notice, but when it becomes a fairly major plot point of the episode, you really ought to at least come up with some convincingly complex nonsense. Anyway. Ianto more states than asks "You were in love with [Diane], weren't you", and Owen pointedly ignores that more statement than question, but then does say that if Tosh has figured out a way to open the Riftmouth, he might be able to get her back. Ianto objects; "Jack would never allow it, opening the Rift could devastate the city!" Owen sneers a little at this and carries on with whatever the hell it is he was doing.

Dancehall, 1941. While Jack's buying them drinks, some dude comes up to flirt with Tosh, which is fortuitous timing, since Jack discovers he doesn't actually have any usuable money, and this guy offers to pay for the drinks, "on one condition", which he shows, not tells; a dance with Tosh. Jack's entertained by it all until he overhears a woman, disgusted, demanding to know "Why's George dancing with a Jap?" and it occurs to him that maybe Tosh's fears were pretty well founded.

"Meanwhile", in 2008, Gwen's discovered the Hyena, and figures that Jack and Tosh have to be around somewhere. She goes inside and calls out for them, and then starts to hear the music...

...And back in 1941, Jack seems to hear someone calling his name. He goes over to try to cut into George and Tosh's dance, and George gets all up in his face and agressively tells Jack that he's "only borrowing her", and, I mean, in the guy's defense, he did just buy Jack's drinks for him. Jack cheerfully suggests that George "could always dance with me, if [he'd] like", and George gives him a good shove. Jack shoves him right back and says "OK, I'll lead, you follow", which, particularly considering his background, is showing an alarmingly poor grasp of the concept of time, and also, way to not draw attention to yourself there, champ. Tosh insistently attempts to remind Jack that "we're supposed to be bleding in!" which is just not going to sound good to random passersby who are already exceedingly suspicious of her. Jack pretty much ignores her, but in his defense, George did just sock him one in the face. Things are about to get ugly, but it's prevented when a charming American captain steps in and orders George to stand down, apologising to Jack because the men always get a little heated on the last night before OTU. He demands an apology from George, too, and when George sulks "I was only dancing", the Captain tells him that "I think it was your fist in his face that he didn't like, not your foxtrot." Jack smiles appreciatively at that, and George grits out an childish insincere "s'ry", and then another to Tosh, on the Captain's demand. A couple of George's pals lead him away to get drinks, and the Captain follows Jack and Tosh to introduce himself; he and Jack both start to say "I'm Captain..." at the same time, and Jack tells the other to go first; "I'm Captain Jack Harkness, 133rd squadron", is what he says. Man, it would've been awkward if the other Jack had said "You go first". Moreso than it is anyway, I mean. Also, even though he goes by a (different) fake name for the rest of the episode, I'm going to keep referring to our angsty Torchwood Jack as Jack, and the new, actual Captain Jack Harkness can just be The Captain, in a hopeless attempt to stop this all from getting horribly confusing. They've done this deliberately to make things hard for me, I'm sure of it. There's all kinds of weird zooms all over the place and the creepy old guy tells the Jacks and Tosh to please look towards him as he holds up an old-fashioned camera and shoots. I say 'old-fashioned', but apparently this camera is actually from a few years after this part of this episode is supposed to be set. That's a clue rather than a fuckup on the part of the props department, though.

Hub, 2008. Owen and Ianto are researching the Dancehall, Owen discovers that it opened in 1932, closed in 1989 and is due to be demolished in a week. Ianto's discovered something rather more interesting; the photo we just saw taken.

...And back in 1941, the camera flashes. The creepy old guy hands his camera to someone else and joins the group, saying he insists on one more, for the record. Jack tries to take this interruption as the perfect chance to duck out of talking to The Captain, but he's too wily for that, and Jack's forced to introduce himself, which he does as "Captain James Harper, 71st". The Captain offers to buy Jack a drink, but he wants to get the hell away from there as fast as possible and tells The Captain that he and Tosh are kind of busy right now.

Out in the corridor, Tosh naturally wants to know why the hell that guy has Jack's name, Jack says nothing and Tosh yells at him that she's "lost enough without [Jack] holding back on [her]." Jack softens at this and admits that Jack Harkness is not his real name, and he took it from The Captain, adding "I didn't realise he was so hot!", so I guess the question of Jack's sexuality is not such a mystery among the rest of the crew any more? Tosh chides him for being so frivolous when she's still totally freaking out, he tells her "I know too much" and "Trust me, you don't want to know" and all the usual nonsense that really would not fly with me at this point. Jack asks what Tosh has that might be useful on her laptop, which she's been carrying around in its bag this whole time, Tosh tells him she has half of the magic Rift equations, but the other half are back at the base.

And the camera swings around to face the other way down the corridor, and we're back in 2008 with Gwen, which is a nice little effect. Gwen radios to Owen and Ianto that she heard music earlier and decides that maybe if she can hear 1941, maybe 1941 can hear her and calls out Tosh and Jack's names. In 1941, Tosh does hear her, but is not at all convinced that she is not just going crazy.

At the Hub, Owen is discovering that they only have half of the magical cheat codes for the Riftmouth, Ianto realises that the other half must be on Tosh's laptop "which she never goes anywhere without", apparently, even though I can't remember ever seeing her carrying it before this episode. And really, why would she keep half of the cheat codes on her laptop and half of them on the Hub computers, and not all the cheat codes on both? They're supposed to have totally state of the art hardware, I think they should have enough hard drive space to handle a few lines of text. Which means the central conflict of the episode doesn't even begin to make any logical sense, and I can certainly get past that and enjoy it well enough if there's emotional resonance, which there is here, but it really wouldn't have taken much thought to come up with something slightly better than this for Tosh to have to Day Of The Tentacle through time to get them back to the future.

Anyway. In 1941, Jack and Tosh duck into a deserted office, and Tosh's laptop actually says out loud "Your battery is low." Tosh scribbles down the cheat codes onto paper as fast as she can, which is hindered by the fact that her screen has a large "WARNING BATTERY LOW" message flashing on and off in front of them. Jack takes a look around the office, which belongs to one "Bilis Manger", who is the creepy old guy with the camera, and with a name that weird, you know the first thing I'm going to do is check for anagrams. 'Grim Lesbian' wins, no contest. Tosh starts to technobabble incessantly about what she needs to do with the cheat codes, even though what she needs to do is stick them in a box for Gwen to find in the future and nothing more, but she's interrupted by the Smiling Bear himself appearing in the doorway and politely inquiring of Jack and Tosh who they are and what exactly they're doing in his office. Jack almost forgets that he's not Jack Harkness here and makes it pretty obvious they're being totally shifty, but Tosh is too busy wigging about the camera, because she's just realised it's anachronistic too. When she asks about this, Bilis accusingly points out her laptop and asks where he got it. Tosh tells him London, Bilis stares at the clock and says "They're coming for us" and generally acts as creepy as possible until Jack and Tosh leave, at which point he gets a folder labelled "Torchwood" out of his desk drawer.

In 2008, Gwen radios to the Hub to say that she can't find anything much in the dance hall, and most of the doors are locked, and suddenly Bilis is creepily standing behind her and asks if he can help, introducing himself as "the caretaker". Gwen thanks him and asks if he could kindly unlock the place for her, "I think some of my friends got locked in." And she doesn't have any crystals to buy them out! Man, I love it when that happens. Enjoy your five seconds in the dome, bitches! But I digress.

Tosh is worried about Pearl Harbour, Jack points out that it hasn't happened yet, but Tosh clarifies that she's worried what will happen if they get stuck here, and it does happen. Jack sincerely promises that he'll keep her safe, and it's a nice tender moment, which really, we need more of between the crew. I know they're all emotionally crippled fuckups and all, but everything would work so much better if, underneath it all, there was some kind of team spirit binding them together, or at least some indication of why anyone would actually want to do this job even though it invariably turns you into the kind of person who will slip amnesia pills into someone's drink and think nothing of it. Tosh wants to know what is the deal with the fact that Jack has very obviously been to 1941 before, Jack doesn't really explain anything, as per usual. Well, OK, he does explain that it was convenient for him to take The Captain's name since the dude is gonna die tomorrow. Tosh interrupts George and The Captain and the rest of the boys in their drinking and storytelling to ask which one of them is the best navigator, Geroge singles out a Tim, whom Tosh takes to one side to discuss navigation, I suppose, while Jack joins the drinking.

In 2008, Bilis asks Gwen what her friends were doing in the dance hall in the first place, Gwen claims it was a silly dare, "Someone said it was haunted", which is pretty well in keeping with her traditional twelve year old mindset. Bilis says she looks worried, and says he'll go make her some tea, which, as we know, is the stuff for world-saving, alright.

In 1941, Tim shyly talks navigation/flirts with Tosh, while the boys want to hear some war stories from Jack. He continues his tradition of never giving a straight answer to anything and just says "let's just say the enemy comes in many guises." George gives The Captain a little hero worship, The Captain responds with all 'I don't like to brag' false modesty. The Captain goes to buy another round of drinks, and a blonde woman approaches and apologises for interrupting his "night with the men". The Captain tells her it's OK, and looks uncomfortable enough, and with enough glances towards Jack, that even my extremely rudimentary gaydar is picking up a signal.

2008. Bilis leads Gwen into his office and sinisterly (well, that goes without saying, but I mean even more than usual) asks Gwen if anyone is expecting her, and suggests she give them a call before they worry that she's lost too. Bilis goes out to put the kettle on, and Gwen radios to Ianto that she hasn't found anything, but since Bilis hasn't bothered giving different names to anyone, their conversation quickly moves to suspicion of him. Owen runs over and tells Gwen to stay with Bilis and wait for backup, Ianto counters that she should get the hell out of there, and they have a little heated argument about that. Gwen turns off her headset and backs slowly out of the office.

1941. The "Why is George dancing with a Jap?" chick from earlier (Audrey, apparently) gets all up in Tosh's face and accuses her of being a spy, some well-meaning guy in the back counters that she can't be, "The Chinese are on our side!" Heh. Tosh helpfully, if not all that sensibly, clarifies that she's Japanese, actually. Audrey wants to know what Tosh has in her laptop bag and starts getting grabby, things are once again about to get really damn ugly, but Jack finally comes up with a save; Yeah, Tosh is totally a spy, but she is spying for us, and the shit in the bag is TOP SECRET, OK. Fair enough. The Captain proposes a toast to Tosh for all the good work she's doing, Tosh, rather desperate to get away from people, tells Jack she needs to get hold of Bilis' camera to get a photograph of the Riftmouth cheat codes to the boys in the future Hub and they depart to do that. Except The Captain isn't letting Jack out of his sights that easily, so Tosh goes on alone. Jack and The Captain start in on some small talk, and The Captain's blonde hanger-on appears out of nowhere to do some cock-blocking.

Tosh enters Bilis' office again and takes a picture of her cheat codes, and Bilis creeps in behind her and sends chills up every spine in a ten mile radius saying "Starting to be a habit". Tosh quickly hides her photograph and tries to pretend she was just fascinated by his amazing camera and had to try it for herself, Bilis gives a knowing laugh and says "This little beauty is not unusual and rare," *cue stare DIRECTLY INTO TOSH'S SOUL* "not unlike yourself." Yeeeeesh. You know what; whatever else you do, bring back Bilis for season 2. Having an actual recurring villain would do a lot to tie the episodes together, and Bilis is awesome. This is my number one request for Season 2. I may have had other number one requests for Season 2 at other times, but right now that stare is boring a hole into my brain and I must obey. Everybody loves Hypnotoad. Tosh, in her rapid hurry to get away, is going to forget her original copy of the cheat codes until Bilis calls her back and hands them too her, saying "I can think of much better things to photograph than numbers".

2008, Hub. Owen's decided that ripping random shit out of the floor is the best way to get Diane back. Something about a "Rift[mouth, DAMMIT people] Manipulator". Is that the skateboard thing from "Boom Town"? I don't think Jack should have that. Not in a "can't be trusted" way, I just mean I'm pretty sure there's no way he'd be physically able to be in possession of it following the events of that (and maybe other?) episode(s), although it's been a while since I've seen them, and I'm not even sure if that's what we're talking about anyway. Ianto thinks that would be too dangerous even if they had all the cheat codes. n00b.

At the dancehall, Gwen hears disconcerting clown laughter behind her, and calls out for Jack, but he (or anyone else) are nowhere to be seen. Well, anyone else except a couple of 40s extras doing a waltz or two-step foxtrot or whatever behind her, but Gwen fails to spot them either.

Back at the Hub, Ianto continues trying to persuade Owen it's too risky, and points out the pretty blatant fact that he is doing this to get Diane back, not help his teammates, and, newsflash; Diane chose to leave you, loser. Owen retorts that this is unlike Lisa who stuck around to try to kill them all, which has no actual relevance to the argument at hand, but it's not like he has anything rational to draw from. Ianto gives up on trying to talk sense into him, Owen gives up on fiddling with wires because the Manipulator is not working. Ianto has a moment of hope here, but no, Owen's noticed a piece missing, and he's going to go look for it. Ianto suggests that maybe he should go home instead, Owen sneers "You don't have any power over me!" at him but then relents and agrees to play it his way, "safe and boring."

'41. The Captain asks Jack what his next missions is, Jack finds a valid excuse to not answer a question, glancing at Blonde Hanger-On and saying "Careless talk costs lives", and BHO assumes this is a hint that she is not wanted. Jack half-heartedly attempts to get her to stay, and The Captain gets up to awkwardly see her off. And clearly Jack is even more not himself than we all thought, because despite the big flashing pink triangular neon signs above The Captain's head, and urges him to go after BHO, because "anything could happen tomorrow." The Captain scoffs at this, it's just a routine training excersize, Jack tells him that that's when they get you, "when you least expect it. But not when I least expect it, because I'm from the future, and I know that YOU ARE GOING TO DIE TOMORROW. So go have some sex first." That may have been mostly paraphrasing. The Captain heeds Jack's urging, downs his whisky to help him cope with the thought of kissing a girl, and goes to give BHO a proper goodbye. She holds him close and whispers "I love you", and he stares in horror and goes to snarl at Jack that "That just made it twenty times worse. Now she thinks she's in love with me." And Jack is still not getting it!

Jack follows The Captain down into a more secluded part of the building, so I guess his subconscious is still firing on all cylinders, and tells The Captain that it's not his fault that BHO fell for him, even though it pretty much is. The Captain starts yelling at him that he can't go telling his men about the real horrors of war, in order for Jack to get some more retroactive emo from back before we ever met him. He watched his best friend get tortured and killed! And it was all his fault because he persuaded his friend to join up in the first place! I'm thinking it's not going to be very long at all before the various hints of Jack's past life we have been given so far become completely irreconcilable into one story, which you'd think would be pretty easy to avoid when time travel is involved, but man...

Outside, Tosh is looking for somewhere to stash her photograph so that it can be found sixty years down the line by the rest of the team. And apparently, as well as her laptop, Tosh always keeps a supply of shrinkwrap with her. I... guess you never know when that will come in handy? Hmm.

At the Hub, Ianto's monitoring CCTV around the dancehall and finding no sign of Bilis leaving the place, Owen puts his jacket on and tells Ianto he's going to go check out Bilis's office, because clearly the dude knows something about the Riftmouth.

Outside the dancehall, Gwen ponders aloud what Jack and Tosh would do to try to help them, and then follows Bilis to a rsuted up old cupboard with the padlock on the floor, and there's some weird jump cutting, and I don't really know what is going on, but she finds Tosh's photograph, anyway. I think Bilis lead her to it? I don't know. Anyway, Ianto tells her they still don't have enough cheat codes, and we jump back to the past to see why; Tosh missed s200ome from the top of the sheet in her hurried photographing. We watch her sturring what she did manage to get into the cupboard, which is not so rusty back then, obviously, and then an air raid siren goes off! And all the doors are locked and she can't get back inside and a bomb falls right there! Did Tosh just die sixty years ago? Shit!

Oh, wait, no, I guess she got inside after all. That was an odd fake-out. Everybody in the dancehall is pancking and running around, Bilis and The Captain attempt to maintain order and get everybody down to the bomb shelter while Jack runs around in search of Tosh and quite unnecessarily tells her "This way!", like she can't follow the stampede of panicked dancehall patrons.

2008. Ianto radios to Gwen to be careful, because Bilis is still around somewhere, even though I thought he just helped her? Cannot make sense of that, I tell you. Meanwhile, Owen throws shit around in Bilis's office until he finds a safe hidden under a tablecloth.

1941, bomb shelter. Tim The Navigation Expert tells Audrey The Racist (But Back Then They Didn't Know Any Better) "The thing is, you could be the last girl I ever kiss", and she just shrugs, like, 'Good point' and gets on with it. Ah, simpler times. In less flavour-adding stories, Tosh reminds Jack for the umpteenth time that she needs to get the cheat codes back to the future, back Jack is too busy sharing a Significant Glance with The Captain, and it looks like maybe someone has finally given Cupid some Eye Drops! Tosh finds herself an airtight coffee jar, and pours its contents on the floor. Excuse me, Missy, don't you know there's a war on? Then she somehow slashes open her palm on its decidedly non-sharp edge. Because pencil will fade over time, but blood lasts forever! I'm no bloodistician, but I don't think that's actually true. Whatever, she writes the rest of the cheat codes in blood, seals them in the coffee jar and puts it in the safe, where no one but Owen would be wont to look.

Oh, wait, no, the safe is empty in the future, so I suppose Bilis was wont to look. And then all the clocks in Bilis's office start going off at once! Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day... And, logically, this leads Owen to the conclusion that the missing piece of the Manipulator is attached to the pendulum in the grandfather clock. Obviously. He heads off back to the Hub, but runs into Gwen on the way and puts on his best "I'm just going... to stalk... Lenny and Karl... and have some... lunch..." voice to tell her that he didn't find anything, and he is going to go back to the Hub now. Gwen doesn't notice anything suspicious, because everyone on the Torchwood crew acts incredibly suspiciously 24/7, I think.

Back in the bomb shelter, The Captain walks up to Jack and tells him "Of course I'm scared", and Jack appears to be thinking "Dammit, Harkness, he's just talking about the war! It's perfectly innocent!" I think maybe he is spotting the signs but is worried he is just hoping they are there because he has not been getting any lately? Except he has, but hey, I don't know that yet. What? Oh, and Tosh totally didn't stick the coffe jar in the safe, apparently I just totally made that up. Surprise!

2008, dancehall. Gwen's looking around the basement (where the bomb shelter would've been, natch) for clues now, and she is still hearing flashes of 1941. That's all.

1941. Tosh returns from the... back room? And tells Jack that she's finished chrono-mailing cheat codes now. Tim The Navigation Expert (who I think is not actually the one making out with Audrey right now. Look, they all have the same haircut, OK? How am I supposed to tell?) is concerned about the huge gash on her hand, Tosh claims "I slipped", Tim leads her away to his first-aid kit. George (he's more cockney, so I can tell him apart) wants to buy a drink for The Captain, but that port is closed to anyone not named "Captain Jack Harkness" right now, kid. Jack smiles, so I think he is correctly reading the correct signs at last.

2008, dancehall basement. Gwen finds the coffee jar, and somehow manages to avoid giving herself tetanus picking it up. She radios to the Hub to tell Ianto the final cheat code, and also register her concern that Tosh has written it in blood and also included a "Tell my family I love them" message at the bottom.

Hub. Owen arrives, Ianto copies down the cheat code from Gwen and apparently "cos" is Welsh for "integral", because Ianto has no trouble correctly interpreting her apparent error. Also that integral should be followed by a 'dx'. I'm just sayin'. Owen tells her this is wrong, they need at least three more numbers. But Bilis has scratched out the end of it, the wily coyote. Why he'd do that and not just destroy the note, I have no idea. Let's just go with it.

1941. Jack and The Captain share a private drink up on a balcony, and The Captain asks Jack why he told him to kiss BHO goodbye. Jack tells him to grab the bull by the horns and live each day as if it's his last and so on and so forth, and "Go to your woman and lose yourself in her". JACK YOU FRIGGIN MAROON THAT IS NOT WHAT HE WANTS. The Captain tries sending out one more signal; "Is Toshiko your woman?" but still Jack isn't receiving. Uh, you know what I mean.

Owen is all "Screw the missing numbers, I'm getting the woman who left me after a week back, universe be damned!" and shoves the missing piece into the Manipulator, but it still isn't working, so he opts again for the tried and tested "throw shit around until you find something useful" method. Ianto protests some more that he can't open "the safe", Owen tells him he can do whatever he wants, "I'm second in command!" Fucking WHAT?! No! Tosh! Tosh is second in command! Jack, what the hell were you thinking? As well as the cheat codes, Owen has totally been reading a walkthrough, because he immediately knows which page to turn to in Jack's diary to find the combination to the safe. I swear most of the completely illogical stuff in this episode was just not there the first time I watched it. Owen sorts through boxes containing the Life Knife and the Ghost Machine (or, as it should be dubbed to continue the theme, the Spectre Reflector) before he finds the right one, and this is purely inserted into the episode so that it can contain references to every previous episode. Except "Random Shoes", because that had nothing to do with anything. Or "Small Worlds", for the exact same reason. Anyway, what he is actually looking for is blueprints for the Manipulator.

Back in 1941, The Captain has finally decided that he's got to make the move, and when Jack reminds him that "this could be [his] last chance", The Captain says "That's why I came back" and nervously takes hold of Jack's hand, and, see, this is why I like this episode even though none of it actually makes sense, because this is a damn sweet moment. And I'm sure after that recap, you'd prefer it if I never used that word again, but hey, brace yourself. Anyway, Audrey and the guy who is not Tim or George wander in and break the spell, telling them "We need Lovers' Corner if you don't mind, boys". The Captain breaks of quickly and is all "we were just discussing strategies". Jack gives him a sly grin and says they'll go somewhere else, but the moment is lost and The Captain, afraid, tells Jack he's told him everything he needs to know.

2008, Hub. The boys are fighting over the blueprints, and Ianto's doing his strangled yelling again, but Gareth David-Lloyd's acting is markedly improved over "Cyberwoman" here, and Owen and Ianto play surprisingly well off each other when they're yelling, even when what they're yelling doesn't actually make sense, like "It's a trap! Bilis wanted you to find it! To incite total chaos and destruction!" So, Bilis somehow stole a piece from the Manipulator and hid it in a grandfather clock, because he wanted Owen to find something totally unrelated that he would also need to work the machine? What? But then they give up on the yelling and just starting beating the crap out of each other, which is a lot more fun. Owen wins pretty easily, and that is one thing that actually does make sense. Well done!

1941. Jack looks longingly after The Captain, and sadly explains to Tosh exactly how he's going to die tomorrow (as a hero, saving his men. But of course.) The Captain looks longingly back, but is still scared to do anything about it. And the time jumps are happening more frequently now, so I'll stop changing paragraph for each one; Owen is about to start up the Manipulator when Ianto pulls a gun on him and tells him to stop or he'll shoot. And back in the past, Jack's finally going to actually answer some of Tosh's questions about who he is, but it's not actually anything we don't know. I'll transcribe a little for the emo, though:

Tosh: How did you end up at Torchwood?
Jack: Someone saved my life. Brought me back from death. And ever since then, it's been like... they're keeping me for something, and I don't know what it is. ...I'm sorry for dragging you into this.
Tosh: It was my choice!
Jack, seriously: I'll look after you. (He starts to cry. EMO!) But there's nothing I can do for him!

But, dude, "they've been keeping me for something"? THAT IS A MOMENT! THAT IS OUT OF TIME! THEY HAVE STUCK HIM IN THE WALL! HE IS JUST A BOX IN A CAGE! Also, "It was my choice!" and that whole little bit was really quite awesome. Tosh is awesome! My number one request for Season 2 is more Tosh!

In the Hub, Owen is now taunting Ianto about how he is not important, he is just a tea boy, and also Jack's "part-time shag". When did this happen? When did Owen find out? WHY WAS I NOT INFORMED? I know that weird scene with the stopwatch ties in pretty well with all the 'moment' nonsense, but still, come on, guys. You can't have your major characters start a sexual relationship and also find out about each others' sexual relationships entirely off-screen! That ain't right! Especially when there are clearly some pretty major issues you would think they would have to work through before engaging in such extracurricular activities. And then Owen and Ianto stare each other down for a while, and then Owen tells him that the Riftmouth ate his lover and his Captain, so if he dies here, it will all be in the line of duty. And he goes to start the Manipulator pumping, and Ianto shoots him in the back (My number one request for Season 2 is MORE SHOOTING OWEN!), and Owen manages to push through the pain and start it going anyway. Time Kompression!

And, back in the past, the music is getting romantic, and Jack and The Captain's eyes meet across the room, and because of the Time Kompression, reality is starting to fall away a little to make this moment perfect; The Captain loses his fear and, right in front of everyone, walks over to Jack and takes his hand and leads him onto the dancefloor, and they start to dance. George is confused, and asks what he is doing, but everyone else starts to gather around in a circle, and watch this timeless moment, and smile. There's no one on the dance floor but Captain Jack Harkness and Captain Jack Harkness, and nobody is saying anything, or doing anything but watching, and smiling. And they dance, and then everything turns bright, And Tosh runs into the light and shouts to Jack that they have to go, "We need you, Jack!". Jack nods and tells The Captain he has to go, and The Captain understands. It's his duty. Jack starts to follow Tosh, but then pauses, and he doesn't say this out loud, but he needs a moment. Any chance could be your last, and that is why you come back. And Jack does, and while the musicians keep playing, and everyone else keeps watching, and smiling, he kisses Jack, and Jack kisses him. This kiss, the world fell apart for this perfect moment. Or maybe the moment had enough leverage to tear the world apart; if it's alien it's ours, if it's ours it's alien and it's all the same in the end and what I am saying is that if you want to taste my kisses in the night then JUMP.

And then the crowd fades away, and The Captain stands to attention and salutes, and he fades away too. And Jack and Tosh walk though the door and come home, and Gwen is there to greet them with hugs, hooray! And inside the dancehall, Bilis smirks an evil smirk, for he is an evil man. An evil, camp man. See you next week, Bilis!

At the Hub, a little later, Owen is stitching up his own wound and bitching at Ianto about how the world didn't end after all so he was right. Well, hey, give it time. Or, you know, don't, because time exists even less than it used to, now. Tosh has no time for these petty squabbles about who caused the apocalypse, which is why I love her, and she says "I know it was wartime, but it was beautiful." Jack agrees, of course, and then heads into his office with a face full of emo foreboding. Owen wants to go after him, but Tosh says she'll go; if you weren't around in the war, you wouldn't understand, laddie. Tosh tells Jack that "He would have been proud that you took his name", and they raise a toast to Captain Jack.

Next time: Owen was wrong! Raise your hand if you're not surprised. I thought so.

My One Big Eyeball, week of 12/03/07

That's one a week assuming a frickin' powercut doesn't lose me half a recap and irritate the hell out of me, of course. Anyway.

Battlestar Galactica 3x18 - The Son Also Rises
Episode Grade: B-

Written by Michael Angeli, which is notable because he also wrote "The Woman King". (And, seriously, read that recap, it's loving hilarious. The only thing I love more than Jacob loving an episode and going crazy drawing imaginary lines between everything is Jacob completely hating everything about an episode, up to and including the chip Michael Angeli inside his head, who is a horrible person in every way that a person can be horrible. The thing that makes you awesome is the thing that makes you suck, and all that.)

So, right. 41,399 souls in the fleet, which is one less than last week, which means at least one baby has been born since Kara died, since somebody else dies before the credits. That somebody is Baltar's lawyer, which is cool because his replacement, Romo Lampkin (AKA Badger), is rather excellent. He manipulates anyone and everyone, especially Lee, and wears sunglasses inside so nobody can tell what he is thinking, even though they probably couldn't anyway, and steals random shit all the time. So now it looks like Gaius might actually have a fighting chance in this trial, somehow.

So, Romo Lampkin, plus some of the Kara death fallout (the birthday card with the moustache got to me way more than anything last week did), do a fine job of making up for the bad parts of the episode, where for the second time running, Michael Angeli turns somebody into a serial killer for no reason whatsoever, only this time it's not some doctor we've never seen before, it's Kelly, who has hung around the background all the time and never really done anything significant. And that can break a man, I guess. So he starts bombing lawyers (which is totally OK, because lawyers are soulless, right? Don't you hate pants?). Oh, Michael Angeli.

Next week is part one of the season finale, so Baltar's trial might actually finally happen! Oh, my heart is all a-flutter.


Lost 3x12 - Par Avion
Episode Grade: A

Yeah, as "Flashes Before Your Eyes" already proved; it may have jumped 100 Dharma-branded sharks already, but that doesn't mean Lost can't occasionally be totally awesome.

So, Claire flashbacks this week, which have a long-standing tradition (well, OK, there have been two prior to this) of being A-grade episodes. In these, we learn that when she was younger, Claire was a goth, and was seriously hot. Oh, and DADDY ISSUES, of course; Jack's daddy is her daddy, which they basically told us already. Yeah, OK, we still don't particularly learn anything, but Claire was HOT. And, y'know, they can still be enjoyable to watch without teaching us much of anything. Also, she crashed her car into a truck and put her mother into a coma, which is something we didn't already know, I suppose.

Now, last week, when I said that Locke, Kate & Sayid were the least annoying characters they had left, I was forgetting Claire. Which I think is understandable since she has not actually appeared in any episodes for about a year, I don't think. But, well, she's a sweet girl, there's not really much else to her, and they give her just about the right proportion of appearances to make that not boring. OK.

So, she hatches a kooky plan to get off the island by catching a bird and strapping a note to its leg. Wait, I thought we agreed that trying to get off the island makes you a bad person, DENTIST. Anyway, Jin and Sun help out, but then Desmond and Charlie deliberately sabotage it because somehow this will cause yet another Charlie Is Going To Die to come to pass. Plus Desmond knows that he'll be able to catch a bird himself later. So, Claire gets mad at them for being weird, and for sabotaging her cunning plan, but then Desmond comes clean about the whole "I am psychic, and Charlie Is Going To Die" thing, and Claire is forgiving and Claire and Charlie are somehow capable of being really sweet again, in spite of "Fire + Water"? Dude.

So! Locke, Kate, Sayid and Danielle, plus prisoner Mikhal, the Russian fella from last week, continue their search for Otherville, and come upon a perimeter of pylons. While Kate and Sayid talk about shoe shopping or whatever, Locke gets bored and shoves Mikhal into the perimeter, which totally fries his brain like the hands of blue. Sayid yells at him about this plus blowing up the cabin last week, Locke does his best to remind us of the times when we have suspected him of being an Other, and then they cut down a tree and climb over the perimeter and find Otherville. And Jack! He is running towards them, looking like he's trying to escape, but actually, he's just playing some AMERICAN FOOTBALL (rah rah rugby soccer blah blah what) with Tom! And looking way happier than Jack ever does! Totally one of the best OMGWTFBBQ endings they have yet pulled.

All in all, can't wait for Claire's season four episode! Provided the ratings don't dwindle so much that the show gets cancelled before then, of course.


Scrubs 6x13 - My Scrubs
Episode Grade: A-

Ah man, what an appropriate title! Because this totally was my Scrubs, the one I've been missing since approximately the end of last season (though, on reflection, I'd lump the last three episodes of that in with the downturn of this season). Many, many hilarious moments, and a whole lot of continuity porn, eee. Still a little bit of wildly uncomfortable Family Guy stuff with the massage parlour trip with Kelso at the start, but it quickly picked up with a lot of jokes that, I think, started out like the not-really-funny stuff that's been going on all season, but found their way to funny again by bringing them onto a further level. No finer example than the caveman thoughtful voiceover fantasy sequence within a fantasy sequence.

That plus "And so in the end, I knew that what Elliot said about the way things were had forever changed the way we all thought about them." Hee hee! Just make sure it's not a one off, you guys! Please?

My One Big Eyeball, week of 05/03/07

Battlestar Galactica 3x17 - Maelstrom
Episode Grade: B

Starbuck runs around for an hour or so going crazy and seeing imaginary vipers and talking to Leoben and her horrible dead mother, and then dies. There's all this mythological symolical stuff going down with the Eye of Jupiter and Kara Thrace And Her Special Destiny playing their greatest hits, but frankly I don't have any particular clue what is going on. It's reasonably enjoyable to watch anyway, hence the B rating. That's all.


Desperate Housewives 3x16 - My Husband, The Pig
Episode Grade: B+

Bree's suddenly off to visit her parents before her and Orson go off on their long awaited honeymoon, and we only see the back of "Bree"s head during the opening montage that explains this. Isn't that odd. Also, for no apparent reason, Rex has taken over the voiceovers from Mary Alice, and appears to think that because this is his first episode doing that, it must be the first episode of the series, and so he explains a bunch of shit we already know. So weird.

Anyway, some smug annoying old guy sets his sights on Gabby, and is really annyoning, and also this is clearly the exact same storyline as the last one they lumped Gabby with, only this guy is too old instead of too young. Sigh.

Austin writes Julie a magical, amazing letter that makes her completely forgive him for cheating on her with Danielle somehow, and naturally we don't get to see the contents of the letter, because there is nothing that letter could say that would make that happen. But, unfortunately, Austin got Danielle pregnant and, given that her parental figures right now are Bree and Orson, that's just not going to fly. So, Danielle's off to "history camp" or "english camp" or something like that and the baby will be adopted by 'an appropriate family', and Austin will just have to leave town and never come back. Oh, how sad. (I do not care for Austin.)

Ian wins some ridiculously contrived poker game that doesn't bear even a vague resemblance to logical, and the net result of this is that Mike is not allowed to tell Susan about the engagement ring he was going to give her before some Orson-shaped bastard ran him down.

And, easily taking home the best storylines of the episode award, part the first; Lynette and Tom's ninth wedding anniversary! Lynnete just wants to have a nice hot bath and early night, Tom wants to do something overblown and special, wacky crossed wires lead to Lynette waiting around in the freezing cold for hours, but in the end she realises that, disaster or no, they have to keep doing these special things and keep the romance going, because if they're just going to fall into routine, then what is the point, and oh man it's so sweet and awesome.

Best storylines of the episode part the second; Edie has a son! Edie! has a son! His name is Travers (blah) and he is eight, and his dad dumped him on Edie without warning and she totally leaves him home alone to go out and get drunk. And Carlos spots him playing in the road, on his own, quite late, and interrupts his date with some crzzy grrl from the intertrons to make sure poor Travers does not get deaded. And he is mad at Edie, of course, but in the morning she tells him about how she knows she makes a terrible parent, which is why she let Travers' dad have custody; she is a good enough parent to know that she is not a good parent. Naturally. And Carlos softens and offers to babysit if she needs it, and man, I know how this show works by now; I give it two episodes before Carlos and Edie have sex.


Heroes 1x18 - Parasite
Episode Grade: A-

Well, let's see... Claire's off on the run with The Haitian, and is being all petulant teenager about it and tries to ditch him at the airport to go running off to her uncle Peter (although she does not actually know the uncle part, they just met that one time when he was stopping Sylar from eating her brain. That kind of thing would stick with you, though, I guess.) Anyway, she reaches Peter's appartment, but he's not there to greet her, his mother is, and also The Haitian, who apparently works for her. INTRIGUING.

Meanwhile, Mr' Bennet's incredible sacrifice last week is made all the sadder by the fact that his loss of those sweet memories is all for nothing, because thanks to having let his wife in on the big secret and the fact that the Company have a shapeshifter (or possibly illusionist, since the whole screen goes all wobbly when she shifts) on staff, they catch onto his mutiny anyway. Damn, that sucks. But, dude, I did not think they'd go there that soon. Serious breakneck pace going on here.

Also, after chatting with Peter, Hiro and Niki (who has temporarily wrested control of her body back from Jessica, who is supposed to be killing him), Nathan goes in with an FBI wire to finally meet the elusive Linderman. Who is a kindly old man. Naturally. Since Jessica killed the FBI agents that were going to hear the recording, the wire plan is out, so Nathan instead pulls a gun Niki gave him, at which Linderman tells him he shan't be having any pot pie then (seriously, this happens), and also, Linderman totally knows all about the Heroes, and Nathan is not going to kill him. And he's right, of course.

And also, Hiro finally, finally gets his sword, and reunites with Ando, and then skips ahead to the future, where the bomb has destroyed New York already. Shit. And Mohinder is not as stupid as we all thought, because he's cottoned onto Sylar already, but, what with the telekinesis and all, his efforts to stop Sylar rank among the more futile things the world has ever seen. With his mad power absorption skillz, Peter, who comes along to visit Mohinder, should have more of a chance, although Sylar has the element of surprise, which he uses to start opening up Peter's head and in the process destroying his emo haircut, and that is the cliffhanger on which we leave for six fuckin' weeks, dagnabbit. It was OK when Lost went away for ages, but this show is far too awesome for me to wait that long! And, dude, only three shows not on hiatus, in two of which I have succumbed to the terrible disease of It Were Better In The Olden Days? Next week is going to be so sparse!


Lost 3x11 - Enter 77
Episode Grade: B+

Let's get the lame out of the way first; flashbacks do the usual recycling of flashback plotlines and teach us nothing new about Sayid, and man, they really ought to do away with the flashbacks entirely now. Apart from "Flashes Before Your Eyes", which didn't use the traditional structure at all, I don't think there's been a single flashback yet this season that has served any purpose whatsoever.

In other recycled plotline news, Sawyer is pissed that everybody has felt free to take from his stash in his absence, just like he was last season! And after another five minute trek into the jungle, Hurley finds yet more shit that no one else has discovered, nonsensically; a ping pong table, plus bats. So, Sawyer challenges the rest of the lostaways to a game of table tennis to win back his stuff, Hurley takes up the challenge and wins, and now he is not allowed to use nicknames for a week. Except that he's apparently still allowed to call Hugo 'Hurley'.

But those, particularly the table tennis, take up a thankfully small percentage of the episode, which is otherwise pretty cool; Sayid, Locke, Kate and Danielle, who are undoubtedly among the least annoying characters we have left (provided that Kate is nowhere near Jack or Sawyer), are off on a trek to rescue Jack (or Alex, in Danielle's case), and I think and hope this might be a multi-episode trek where we'll get many scenes of just these four. In this one, they find a Russian guy with a house, who claims to be a Dharma scientist, but is really an Other, and Sayid figures it out because he's smart/trusts no one, ever. The house is another Dharma station, used to contact the outside world, but to do so, one must win a game of chess against the computer. Naturally.

Well, Locke can't resist a good button pushing/symbolism excersize, to the point where he totally ignores the prisoner he's supposed to be watching in order to play chess. He wins the game, and Dr Something Related To Candles appears on the screen, telling him to press various number combinations in order to attempt various methods of communication, none of which work. And then he's told that, if the station has been compromised by "the hostiles", he should enter 77 (hence the title), and so he does, and, once everyone is safely outside, the house explodes and Locke has destroyed yet another source of food and shelter for the lostaways. They've got to be getting tired of that.


Scrubs 6x12 - My Fishbowl
Episode Grade: B-

OK, the Janitor and his fishbowl was so very awesome, but otherwise, this felt way more like a Family Guy episode than Scrubs, with all the approx. 50% of jokes falling completely flat and characters being ludicrously outside of the way any human being would actually act. Now, I don't hate Family Guy, by any means, but it's not what I was expecting to watch, you know?

Also, WHY IS DOCTOR COX NOT BALD?! Seriously though, it's pretty obvious that last week's "episode" was shown out of order, hence the magical disappearing/appearing hair, but, you know, I remember a continuity issue last season with episodes shown out of order that involved... JD shaving his head. So, do they just happen to pick the head shaving episodes to shuffle around, or is it just that I only notice the episodes are in the wrong order when people shave their heads? ANSWERS ON A POSTCARD.

I really do not have much to say about this show beyond BETTER IN OLDEN DAYS plus HAIRLOSS, do I? Writing about sitcoms is invariably harder than serious shit, y'know. But, like, this show used to mix the two, and still tries to; it just totally fails these days. This week, long standing patient Private Dancer is discharged, but finds that his injuries leave him unfit to return to the army and so thinks he has nothing to live for, and apparently the hospital are perfectly willing to let this obviously suicidal young man go out into the world without any kind of psychiatric assessment or anything? Now, I won't claim to know... anything about hospitals that I have not learned by watching Scrubs, actually, but I'm pretty sure that strains the barriers of suspension of disbelief.

Failed Again!

So, seeing as how I've given up entirely on the concept of 'schedule' as far as Torchwood recaps go, they're not the only things you'll be getting. I'm going to try for at least one recap a week, but they could be Torchwood or they could be Hex or they could be Sugar Rush or they could be Skins or possibly something else entirely. I'm sure the surprise will be highly enticing.
One thing I do plan to do is actually keep up to its schedule once the third season of Sugar Rush comes around in the summer, but until then, it'll all be potluck. Enjoy!


Hex Episode 2x01 - "Cursed"

Episode grade: C-

Previously: This show pretty much just sucked, but thanks solely and completely to the talents of Jemima Rooper, I was able to convince myself that maybe it didn't, for a while. (That might occasionally happen again; that Jemima is a talented girl.) Somehow, it got a second season of thirteen whole episodes, in spite of the previously stated sucking, and also the fact that, hilariously, like, half the cast decided to quit in the interim. So, remember Thelma's new girlfriend, Pippi, or Peggy, or whatever? The show would like you not to. She's just gone, with no explanation for her disappearance, or indeed any indication that she ever existed in the first place. Troy and Gemma, you are allowed to remember, and there is a single line explaining their sudden disappearance, but otherwise, they are not heard from or mentioned ever again, and are swiftly replaced by Troy 2.0 and Gemma 2.0 (Actual names Tom and Alex, the latter of which I don't think I learned until, like, the second from last episode, so she will always be Gemma 2.0 to me. Tom I might start calling by his actual name at some point, we'll see how it goes.). There might be some others I've not thought of, and also, this is just the ones that haven't agreed to at least make a couple of appearances to let their characters leave the show somewhat organically. And, given that one of those characters is CASSIE who is actually supposed to be THE main character, they kind of had to make some sudden changes to the direction of the entire show. So, the first few episodes are a transition period to Hex 2.0, and the transition period kind of sucks, but all in all, I do think I prefer Hex 2.0 to Hex 1.0. But I'm getting a little ahead of myself, let's get to the start of the frantic retooling of every single plan they had for the overreaching story arc.

Also previously: Cassie got knocked up, and an Evil Christian doctor who was supposed to abort the devil child chose instead to remove it by caesarean without Cassie's knowledge or consent, which totally sent the world to Hell, which is where it already was, so actually, nothing much has changed, I guess. Straight into credits after that, which are cunningly disguised as being identical to season one credits right at the moment, although some of the names have changed. Laura Pyper's just been tacked on the end of the list with the non-important people, like Ella's not going to become the replacement main character once Christina Cole buggers off.

London, 1849. A blonde girl who pretty much looks like Cassie levitates a vase, in front of a crowd of stunned onlookers. She may be a McBain, but all the nonsense about the McBains that bored the crap out of me in the first couple of episodes of season one turns out to serve no purpose whatsoever in the grand scheme of things, thanks to Christina Cole's departure, so that was all a waste of time, really, wasn't it. A dude in the back watches intensely, and I think it's Azazeal, but I'm kind of thrown by the crazy huge sideburns and top hat. There are, like, pigmy tribes living in those sideburns. He tips his hat to, I don't know, the freak show organiser or whatever. I don't really know what's going on here.

Later, the girl is lying in bed. Azazeal, sans top hat now, and it definitely is him, walks in and kisses her and then leaves. I have seen the entire series now, but it's been a while since I saw this episode so right at the moment I could not possibly hope to tell you what the point of any of this is, but I do wish someone would actually say something. Azazeal wanders around, and like throws some keys or something at some guy and then goes outside, where the peasants are milling and oh, right, now I see the point of all this; this girl with dark red hair and psychotic eyes is following Azazeal and glaring at him, and the point of this is so we're all like "woah" when she shows up in the present day scenes later. Right, so, this is Ella, although they probably won't tell us that for hours, because, as you may recall, this show is kind of horrible about actually telling the audience the names of its characters. And then I just name them after Buffy characters because Joss Whedon is literally God, and all of that. I'm gonna try to cut down on that a little, so from now, David will be "David" and not "Rupert", and Jo will be "Jo" and not "Jenny". Back to what's going on right now; Ella is delightfully unhinged, which is what makes her far more interesting as a main character than Cassie, and because she is so wonderfully crazy, she slits the girl's throat. You know, the one who is Cassie, but not. Ella's hair is actually black, and also curly, in the past, but I couldn't see that before, because she was wearing a hood. But any other time we see her (including any other flashbacks, as far as I recall), it's red, and straight.

Right. The gasp of the throat slit girl segues us to Cassie also gasping, because Thelma has just thrown water at her to wake her up. Cassie bitches, Thelma is cute, it's all eerily familiar. OK, right, Cassie's been having bad dreams (the most recent of which I think is supposed to be the flashback we just saw) and her solution to this problem is apparently "Don't sleep", which is akin to "pull out before you finish" as far as effective solutions to problems go. She complains at Thelma for letting her fall asleep, Thelma tells her she'll go crazy, Cassie's all "Cool with me!" Then she takes some pills and wanders out into the corridor. Outside, a stone gargoyle on the roof cocks its head, Cassie hears the noise of this and is slightly wigged and oh God, I'd forgotten how slow moving this damn show is sometimes. Cassie stops, and waits around for the next creepy thing to happen, and eventually, it does; there's something moving outside the window. Oooooooooh-er.
Cassie ducks into a kitchen, which is sensible, because the kitchen is probably the closest thing to an armoury in this or, indeed, most other buildings. For some reason, there's a plate of mousse on the table, which Cassie decides to dig into, but she's shocked to be distracted from it by the door slowly creaking open, and, man, is her short term memory really that bad? She levitates a baking tray at the intruder, and then grabs a ladle to beat it with, but of course, the intruder is no kind of demon, it's just Felix. You know, the dumb guy who babbled incessantly about Aliens back in whatever lame episode. I'm not going to look it up. Cassie apologises for attacking him, saying "I thought you were someone else", and instead of asking, like, "Who were you planning to assault with kitchen utensils?", Felix just accepts this and tells her he was after some hot milk. Cassie cheerfully tells him she'd better leave him to it, he watches her leave with a clear look of longing.

Next day, Cassie's getting stuff out of her locker and describing the thing she saw outside the window to Thelma; "It was hideous. So hideous I almost felt sorry for it." Thelma giggles and asks Cassie if she's sure she isn't talking about Felix. Poor Felix. I'm not saying I feel sorry for him, that's just his full name, like Boone, God's Friggin' Gift To Humanity. Cassie and Thelma throw around the exposition ball some; that critter that was not Poor Felix was a Nephilim, remember, and that means that Cassie's son is not dead like he should be, remember. Thelma asks if Cassie plans to claim child benefits. Heh. Cassie said she plans instead to opt for finding, torturing and killing Azazeal. Well, one out of three ain't bad, supposedly.

In class, Leon, Roxanne and Gemma 2.0 are quickly providing the explanation for Troy and Gemma's disappearance so we can get on with the business of forgetting about them completely, and man, it's funny to see Leon acting like such a dick when I'm now so used to the new version of Leon, who is actually pretty OK. More on that story later. So, apparently Troy thought Cassie's baby was his and left the country, and Gemma followed. Now that is an airtight story. Cassie is looking glum, I guess because Troy has left, but man, that was pretty much her fault anyway. Thelma asks her "If there was something you'd always wanted to do, but never could, and then you found a way, but the way was morally dubious, what would you do?" I have no idea what she's talking about. Cassie goes with "I'm not going to sleep with you, Thelma," but apparently that is not it. OH! Wait, I do remember. Go for it, Thelma. Jo comes in, swigging from a bottle of water and looking generally haggard and forgetting what Shakespeare play it is they're supposed to be covering now, and everyone looks concerned and/or amused.

Cassie takes a trip to the hospital, Evil Christian Dr. Condescencion sees her in the waiting room and tries to flee, but Cassie catches up with him. He tries to claim that he's very busy, she tells him he's been avoiding her, and she wants to know what he did with her baby. Dr. Codescencion is all condescendingly "If you're having doubts now, I'm afraid it's too late", and tells the receptionist to call security. Cassie gives up on getting anything from him and leaves, and hegoes into his office, where Ella is waiting. This'd be the point where we're supposed to go "woah". Let's all take a moment to do that. Woah.

OK. Cafeteria, Cassie's complaining to Thelma about how the not so good doctor "can't just going around saving people's babies", Thelma points out the inherent hilarity in bitching about people saving babies, Cassie resolves to go back to the hospital and beat the truth out of the doctor, or something. On her way to her table, Poor Felix accosts Cassie to say "Hi" and invade her personal space, Cassie apologises again for attacking him with kitchen utensils, and Poor Felix just stands there grinning until Cassie gives up on attempting to communicate with him. Thelma walks past and gives Poor Felix a disdainful look up and down, hee. Cassie sits down at a table with David and Jo, which, I know she apparently has no friends who aren't dead, but that doesn't seem like her. She doesn't acknowledge them at all, and vice versa, and we pan over to their conversation, where Jo is totally absent. David reminds her about the governor's meeting next week that she's supposed to have written a report for. Jo has not done anything of the sort, and David jokes that she spent "too much time at the Christmas sales". Jo tells him "I know you think you're charming, but actually, you're just a sexist pig" and storms out, and maybe if she actually did her damn job, she'd have more ground to stand on there.

Hospital. Thelma complains that the nurses' uniforms are lot less PVC than various clothing outlets had led her to believe, and see, this kind of thing is why she's the one that gets me through the less than stellar episodes of this show, and God knows there are more than a few of those. Cassie tells her that most people come here to die, Thelma points out that dead people have desires too, and yeah it's another "By the way, Thelma is a lesbian! And a ghost! She's a lesbian ghost!" scene, but at least they managed to get through this one without using either of the actual words. Inside, Thelma holds Cassie back and points out that finding out for sure that her son is still alive will be a totally life changing event, and maybe she should think twice before going through with it. Like, Cassie pretty much knows already, but as long as she doesn't have concrete proof, they can pretend that nothing has really changed from the good ol' days when they had not a care in the world. Apart from Thelma being dead, of course. Cassie asks if while they're at it, they can pretend that she's "an international popstar and dating Brad Pitt", and while they're busy doing that, I'm going to pretend we've already done the part where it turns out that Cassie's son is alive, because we all know he is already, and no matter how cute Thelma is playing with random hospital equipment, this is hella tedious. And then Cassie finds Dr. Condescension's bloody corpse. Hooray!

Later, Thelma sneaks back into the hospital, steals the sleeping security guard's food, and heads into the morgue. She pulls corpses out of their drawers, shaking her head at an old woman and a fireman, before she settles on an attractive young blonde woman, and starts taking off her dress. It's really not nearly as gross as it appears to be right now, though, so I can carry on loving Thelma, thankfully, because man, I don't know how I'd get through this show if that stopped happening.

Cassie's asleep in the common room, and dreaming of Azazeal, and then herself, naked. We can't actually see her face, so it probably isn't really Christina Cole, but they sure do love to show Cassie naked, in spite of the fact that I'm guessing the whole Nipples Without Warning incident may have had something to do with Ms. Cole's early departure. Anyway, Dream Cassie is breastfeeding Li'l Lucifer, only she is lactating blood instead of milk. Cassie is woken by Poor Felix, who continues to be obviously lusting after Cassie and incredibly socially awkward. Fuck that shit, right. I get the point. Poor Felix wants to know what's wrong, "Is it Thelma?" Cassie stupidly is all "No, Thelma's fine, she's being really good at the moment", and there's awkward silence and then Poor Felix rambles about how he had trouble letting go of his mother when she died too. Cassie thanks him for his help as he goes, though it had nothing whatsoever to do with her actual troubles, because she's so friggin' NICE. Yawn.

Back in the morgue, the security guard wakes up, finds his cake missing, and discovers Thelma's clothes discarded on the floor. Somehow he instantly knows to open the door immediately to the right of the clothes to discover the body of the same girl Thelma did, only she is now naked. With lipstick smeared all around her mouth. It's not what it looks like! OK, uh, Thelma had a little trouble getting the top off her? And the lipstick got kind of smudged in the process of doing so? Let's go with that.

Right, see, because Thelma was just stealing the dead girl's clothes so she could wear them because she was fed up of resembling a Final Fantasy character what with the never changing of the clothes. Well, not that her original outfit was anything near the level of ludicrousness required to join those fabled ranks. I mean, the big red flower was a little much, but it's hardly a spandex one-piece with short shorts plus matching gigantic leather boots and bracelets and bizzare outer thigh coverings and tiny bronze wings. They really outdid themselves on that one, and I could not previously have imagined that to be possible. Anyway, Hex. Right, Thelma's got herself a brand new look, and Cassie tells her she looks amazing and she is not wrong. Cassie also asks where she got the clothes, of course, and Thelma is all "you don't want to know" and Cassie realises that this is the morally dubious thing she was talking about earlier. Thanks for clearing that up, guys! Thelma explains that, in addition to being able to walk through car doors, but not other kinds of doors or walls as far as we know, and also being able to touch anything except actual living people, I think, she can only wear dead people's clothes. Yeah, that makes the exact opposite of sense. OK, Cassie is kind of grossed out that Thelma is stealing dead people's clothes and, hey, she didn't even see the lipstick!

A little later, Thelma's making one of her regular vending machine stops when she spots Jo looking incredibly shifty and walking hurriedly down the corridor. Thelma follows her, of course, because maybe she'll get to read some more of Jo's erotic fiction, and Jo takes a large wad of cash out of safe, and then suddenly is driving, and Thelma has done her car door trick again. Well, come on, it's not like any of the rest of her ghost powers would keep you amused for long. Jo hands over the money to a Scandinavian looking dude, and by that I mean he is tall and strong and blonde and blue-eyed/pure and healthy, very wealthy/SWEEEEEEDEEEEEEEEEEN! Mostly just the first part. In return, he hands her a SUSPICIOUS PACKAGE. Could this be a drug deal going down?! THAT WOULD SURE EXPLAIN THE TOTAL SHAKES THAT JO SEEMS TO HAVE ALL THE TIME NOW!!! It's not a drug deal, but here's a boring anecdote from my life that tangentially related, skip to the next paragraph if you don't care. So, the other day, my housemates and I went on a three hour drive, for Krispy Kreme donuts and nothing else (TOTALLY WORTH IT. FOR REALZ.) some of which we sold on at a meager profit, which, due to being unable to find our various customers' actual houses, we did out of the back of the car, with the two front seaters getting out to open up the boot/make sure there was no surreptitious stealings, while me and t'other back seater handled calculation of cost for whatever weight (or number, if you prefer) of donuts they wanted and receiving/counting of money, respectively. And we all observed how much this resembled a theoretical drug deal, and how simple it would be to replace the donuts with crack and we would totally not get caught in the slightest, and laughs were had by all. So, that's my boring story. I hope you have a more interesting life than me!

Anyway, it turns out the SUSPICIOUS PACKAGE is actually baby formula, for Azazeal and Li'l Lucifer. Stunner. And also, Li'l Lucifer is still growing way faster than normal children, just like he did in Cassie's uterus, because we don't want to have to wait through, like, fifteen seasons of this crap before we can get on with the teenage Antichrist storyline now do we.

Thelma flees the scene, running into loud, clattering rubbish bins and tripping over her feet and crying out and just generally trying as hard as possible to alert Azazeal to her presence, and, surprise! It works. But all he does is glare at her. Come on, you could at least have said something totally unremarkable in a really threatening tone, like, "Lovely weather today, isn't it, THELMA." You're not even trying here.

Meanwhile, Cassie swims, hears something whispering her name, and is yet again suddenly surprised by the appearance of Poor Felix. This is getting ridiculous. Poor Felix has sleeping pills for Cassie, Cassie spots a Nephilim and follows it and inadvertantly walks in on Poor Felix in the shower and blah blah embarrassment cakes.

Cassie gets home, and Thelma's sitting on the bed crying. Cassie asks her what's wrong, and Thelma tearfully tells her "I got mud on my new clothes!" Aww, Thelma! Cassie acts all appropriately maternal, and Thelma eventually confesses that this may not be the only thing that was bothering her and tells Cassie about Azazeal and the baby but not Jo, oddly enough.

Cassie decides to go confront Azazeal, because that's always worked out so well for her in the past. He tells her that she'll soon come to realise that she wanted to keep the baby as much as he did, and that's just stupid. Sure, she'll realise she did want the baby after all, that's conceivable, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't go out of her way to manipulate people into stealing foetuses that they are supposed to be killin', you know? Cassie tells Azazeal that he is arrogant and has no respect for her, and his slicked back hair is lame. Azazeal just smirks, and Cassie complains that she hasn't slept for days and there is a weird bad special effects demon stalking her. Azazeal names said demon as Barracuda or something that sounded vaguely like that and tells her he's an archangel blah blah mythology cakes. Cassie asks when the other 199 bad special effect demons might be making an appearance, Azazeal just says "All in good time", and brings over Li'l Lucifer for her to hold, telling her he has inflicted the poor child with the name of Malachi, like we needed any more proof that he's evil. (No offense to any Malachis out there, like. At least it's not Eugene.) Azazeal wants them to be a proper family, Cassie tells him to suck it and leaves, but not without a drawn out pained glance back at her 'proper family'.

Cassie walks through the gardens of the college, lost in her thoughts and Poor Felix approaches once again, although it's not a total jumping out from behind her thing, for once. Cassie asks him if all men are bastards, he tells her that they are, actually, "something to do with the genetic makeup. I don't consider myself to be particularly male. I'm more like a hybrid. I mean, I still produce milk." Cassie smiles and tells him that whatever he is (DISTURBING is the answer), Poor Felix is an improvement on most of the guys Cassie has met, and Poor Felix lights up like the proverbial extremely socially awkward and seemingly slightly mentally handicapped kid in a candy store. Cassie remains totally obvlivious to the huge crush Poor Felix is quite obviously developing.

Cassie hangs out with Thelma in some generic spot on the school grounds, Thelma quite rightly makes fun of Malachi's name. Then they provide some exposition about how it is not surprising that he is growing up so ludicrously fast, because that inevitably happens to every baby on every TV show that has ever existed. Except the ones where they just don't grow up at all. Cassie and Thelma start to walk away, and we pan over to a sleek black car pulling into the drive, out of which hops Ella. Hi!

David leads Ella through the cafeteria and tells her thrilling stories about the works of art the school occasionally has to sell to buy new computers, and everybody stares at the new girl, because she is the new girl, and also she is wearing a crazy badass leather trenchcoat. Thelma loudly proclaims Ella's hotness, Ella looks straight at her and gives her a wink. Cassie and Thelma share confused looks.

In their room, Thelma asks Cassie if she thinks Ella's a "Nephrilim", assuming that, being female, she'll be more dangerous; "brains and brawn, lethal combination". Then her train of thought merrily derails and she asks what Cassie is planning to do about Malachi. Cassie tells her to stop asking questions and gets all indignant that Thelma is attempting to engage her in conversation, because she is too tired to deal with such trifling matters as the most important friendship in her life right now, OK?

Outside, there's lightning, and christmas lights, and disco lights, and a general theme of light. Leon asks Troy 2.0 if he's ready for "a night of hardcore drugs and kinky sex". Troy 2.0 complains that Leon said they were just going for a few quiet drinks, Leon quips that "It always starts out that way", Troy 2.0 looks distinctly uncomfortable.

And inside, Leon and Roxanne and Gemma 2.0 get him to drink to the point of vomitting, and laugh at how lame he is, since apparently it didn't take too much. There's a little more exposition about the whole deal with Troy 2.0; he's replacing the original Troy in a very real sense, seeing as how he's Leon's new roommate, and Leon is mad at Troy 1.0 for leaving him, and is taking it out on Troy 2.0, since that's the closest thing he has now, I think is the gist of it. Not even the slightest hint that we're doing anything but pretending that Gemma 2.0 has been there the whole time, however. Cassie shoots dissaproving glares at them all from her place on the sidelines. And from his place on the other sidelines, Poor Felix throws some smiles and waves and OMG OMG SHE IS LOOKING AT ME CASSIE AND POOR FELIX 4EVA IDSTF!!!! looks in her direction, which Cassie acknowledges with a friendly smile and a drink raise. Ella strides into the party, and Thelma is immediately back on the subject of thinking about her, naturally. Cassie jokes that they'd better hope she does not have a Lasso of Truth if they want Thelma to keep any secrets from her, Thelma gives a cute "YOU SHALL PAY" smirk. Ella goes over and introduces herself to the Horsemen of Apocalame with a bottle of absinthe, which wins her Roxy's approval. Leon incongruously does not apparently know what absinthe is, which Ella thinks is cute, I guess, because she starts flirting with him and then apologises to Roxy for not making sure that Roxy had not already staked a claim on Leon. Roxy's all "God no," and notes that "he's a little inexperienced, if you know what I mean", and I can't imagine that anyone could possibly not know what she means. Ella apparently has no problems with this revelation either.

Cassie walks outside and finds Poor Felix smoking, and is surprised because she didn't think he did that. Poor Felix tells her that indeed he doesn't, but shrugs that "I was bored." And also "contemplating the quantum universe". Cassie tells him he'll make a great old man, Poor Felix gets disheartened and then hopeful and then disheartened and then hopeful at further conversation that I can't be bothered with. The gist of it is, as the gist of roughly half of this stupid episode has been, that Poor Felix lurves Cassie, but she does not feel the same way. Can we just get to the scene where she rips his metaphorical heart out and then a Nephilim rips his actual heart out already? Oops, spoiler.

Thelma walks the halls of the party, people ducking to one side to let her past even though they cannot see or feel or observe her presence in any way, and finds Ella. Ella asks if she's always as rude as she was earlier and snorts a little coke and asks if Thelma wants any or if she plans to just stand there gawping all day. Thelma eventually stutters out a "No, thank you" and leaves.

And right, Poor Felix asks Cassie out, she says no, and then he dies and I sure did not see this coming at all, and I am so very saddened by his shocking and pointless death. And then the Nephilim that killed him stalks around for approximately eight hours and then stradlles Cassie. Oh, isn't that spooky. Aren't you just going 'brrrrr'. No? Me neither. And then Ella appears and poses for a while, and for fuck's sake, could this scene be any more stupidly drawn out. Net result, Ella telepathically stranglectrocutes the Nephilim with Christmas lights, and tells it "This is one party you're going to wish you'd missed" and, not that I think anyone could have done much with that line, but that was a pretty horrible delivery. Ella smiles in satisfaction at a job well done, until she sees Cassie crying over poor, poor Poor Felix. Thelma checks that Cassie is OK, Ella assures her that Cassie was not in any danger, Thelma bitches that the thing probably looked pretty vicious from where Poor Felix was standing. Ella agrees, but explains that Cassie was in no danger, because the thing was actually sent to protect her, since she's the mother of Azazeal's child and all, and obviously it percieved Poor Felix as a threat. Thelma asks Ella if she is not Nephilim, then, and takes her word for it when she says she isn't, for no particular reason that I can see. And Ella tells Cassie and Thelma they should get out of there, "This party's lost it's appeal", and you know, maybe I just hate the way she says 'party'. And the fact that those are both truly horrendous lines. But really, when she says 'party' she sounds completely Australian, despite not doing so at any other point, ever, as far as I recall. That's kind of weird.

Next day, Cassie and Thelma watch the police cars pulling up, again, and Thelma tells Cassie about various theories floating around the school as to how Poor Felix died, and assures her that it wasn't her fault, at which point Ella comes in to tell Cassie that, actually, it totally was her fault. And also give some clue who the hell she is; Azazeal been trying to get a girl knocked up for centuries, but Ella's always been there to kill them before he had the chance, until now. Not that she actually mentions the "killing them" part. Thelma angrily asks if Ella could be a little less patronising, please, Ella retorts "Could your friend keep her knickers on?" Cassie doesn't care for petty squabbles, she just wants to know how to make sure no more Poor Felixes turn up dead, because you've got to assume the school has a fairly limited supply. Ella says of course she knows how to stop it, and starts walking out so she can dramatically turn around and dramatically intone that they have to dramatically kill Cassie's child. OK, a) DUH. and b) it's not like Cassie didn't already try to that in the episode prior to this one, so no, I'm afraid that ending does not rate even a single "dun", let alone all three. Suck it, Hex.

My One Big Eyeball, week of 26/02/07

Battlestar Galactica 3x16 - Dirty Hands
Episode Grade: A

41,400 souls in the fleet. That's two more than last week.

More filler, of course, but it's damn good filler. The miners strike, and Chief Tyrol gradually gets persuaded to lead them in this by watching kids working in terrible conditions with no current hope of ever doing anything else with their lives. Oh, and also Gaius, who has, in his imprisonment, been busy writing Mein Kampf and/or The Communist Manifesto to forment unrest and make himself out to be some kind of hero of the people which, despite all prior evidence belying this suggestion, seems to somehow be working. And Gaius's posh "Caprican" (English) accent is apparently totally put on and really he's a poor farmer from Aerolon (Yorkshire) and Lords of Kobol, that scene between Baltar and Tyrol was CRAZY AWESOME.

Admiral Adama and President Roslin (BTW, I watched Donnie Darko again the other day, and she's Donnie's mother! How have I not noticed this before?) are not too happy about the miners' strike, and Adama breaks it off by telling Tyrol he's gonna line his wife up against the wall and have her shot (just like the Cylons did on New Caprica! Isn't that an odd coincidence.) if he doesn't call off the strike, but once again, the promise of a Cally shooting is not delivered, because Tyrol does back down, and because he does, Adama and Roslin agree to listen to his demands, I guess. They're kind of odd that way.

Two weeks until Baltar's trial, right? I wouldn't be bothered either way about it, except I really do want me some more Caprica Six, and she's the key witness. I am so very excited to see how that plays out. But first Starbuck's gonna die or something, apparently. This show is just laugh a minute, I tell you.


Heroes 1x17 - Company Man
Episode Grade: A+

Have I mentioned that I really love this show? Because I do. I know this is a giant cliché and shit, but Lost? ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION? Now, normally I gloss over the plot points I consider less important, but since there were none of those, you get this gigantic essay, OK? OK.

Right, so, Mr. Bennet is the titular Company Man, and instead of darting about between many (at most, extremely loosely connected) stories, we focus solely on the goings on in his life this week, including flashbacks with a nice little nod to Lost's traditional eye close-ups. Between these flashbacks and the present day stuff, we learn... a whole heck of a lot, actually. But not Bennet's first name. Or any name at all for The Haitian, and I still hate calling him that. 15 years ago, Bennet's boss, who is probably either the mysterious Linderman or an underling of his (although this is pure speculation on my part), appointed Bennet "Head Of Primatech Paper" and assigned him to work with invisible Claude, since apparently they always assign one regular Company Man with one Heroic Company Man. And what they work together doing is tracking down Heroes to be experimented on.

Anyway, a year later, the whole shebang with Claire's biological mother went down, and Hiro's dad (who is exactly this awesome), apparently also a bigwig in the Linderman group, ordered Bennet to be Claire's surrogate father, and to hand her over to the Company the second any superpower manifested. And then, some more years later, Claude betrayed the Company by hiding a Hero from them, and Bennet was ordered to drive him out to somewhere secluded and shoot him. Bennet does so, Claude reveals that he was invisible in the office when they gave this order, but he got in the car anyway, since he thinks Bennet is a better man than the Company do, plus Bennet's blatantly going to start harbouring a Hero himself as soon as Claire's powers manifest. But Bennet shoots Claude anyway, and Claude, riddled with bulletholes, turns invisible and falls over the edge of a bridge, and I guess we'll be finding out how the hell he survived that in a later flashback episode.

In present day land, Matt and Ted (but not Hana, apparently. Coulda sworn she went with them last week, but I am wrong, wrong, wrong.) have come to Bennet's house to find out the truth about their powers/seek vengeance. Bennet continues to pretend he knows nothing, but while he can manage to keep his thoughts from revealing that he's lying, he can't do the same with Claire's. Ted gets extremely trigger-happy, and is about to shoot Sandra (Mrs. Bennet) to prove they ain't messing around, so Bennet mentally orders Matt to shoot Claire first, since she'll survive, and Bennet and Matt take Claire's apparently dead body upstairs and Bennet promises to tell her everything soon, but right now she needs to stay put so Ted thinks she's dead. Claire's understandably sceptical of his promise, but Matt tells her he's not lying. Matt and Bennet go to the Primatech Paper office, claiming to Ted that they're getting the proof he wants, though he figures this for a lie when Claire ignores Bennet's orders and tries to rescue her mom and brother. Matt and Bennet get back with the "proof", and convince Ted that they're not lying, Matt just shot clear so they wouldn't have a death on their hands, and then Possible Linderman shows up and shoots Ted and everything gets even more crazy.

So, Ted's spewing radiation all over the place and losing control, Bennet has a sedative to give him, which Claire handles, what with the regeneration and all, and Claire walking out of the rubble into the embrace of her father, skin totally blackened but rapidly recovering is a beautiful enough image for me to not question the fact that enough remnants of her cheerleader uniform mysteriously survive to cover her dignity. And then I remember Possible Linderman and the fact that all evidence points to Bennet having given Claire up to the Company.

But then, awesomely, it turns out that Bennet and The Haitian concocted a story before calling Possible Linderman in, whereby The Haitian's been keeping Claire's power secret from Bennet and turning her against him, and Bennet's only just discovered this, and takes The Haitian to the same bridge that Claude "died", only The Haitian overpowered him and shot him in the gut and escaped with Claire. So, while they're setting up this scene, Claire and Bennet share a seriously tearful goodbye, and then there's a flashback to Bennet getting his trademark horned-rim glasses and using his hereditary poor eyesight as a segue into telling Claire she's adopted, like I wasn't already crying.

And then The Haitian does his thing to, I guess, wipe any memory from Bennet's mind that this story is anything but the truth. And, not that it makes it any less heartbreaking that he'll forget his daughter's love, but I'm sure it is safer for him to not know, especially since his new Heroic partner is a mind-reader. Ted, having proven himself to be seriously dangerous, probably won't be receiving quite the same cushy treatment as Matt.

And that's that. Seriously, just so damn good. I can't think of maybe four episodes of anything, ever, that I'd say were better than this one, and as I think should be pretty clear by now, I watch quite a lot of TV.


Lost 3x10 - Tricia Tanaka Is Dead
Episode Grade: B-

Total filler, but vaguely entertainingly so. And no Jack and t'Others. That's about the best we can hope for any more. And yet I just can't stop watching, unlike thousands of Americans. ("Shake the Bunny" is, of course, the Lost version of "Jump the Shark", named for Benry's shaking of a bunny back in "Every Man For Himself", although personally, I think it was a different moment in that same episode where I really lost my faith; Kate can escape the Others' cage, but CHOOSES NOT TO FOR SOME STUPID REASON. That was just too much.)

So, in flashbacks, Asian reporter Tricia Tanaka is killed while reporting on Hurley's lottery win (and honestly, how much airtime can one local network fill with the story of "Area Man Wins Lottery"?) by Hurley's Curse Which Only Shows Up When Hurley Is Having Flashbacks, hence the title. But actually, Hurley's Curse probably killed Libby, I guess, and may well be responsible for Charlie's Gonna Die, Oh Yeah, so it's actually been getting a reasonable degree of play "lately". I say "lately" because it's actually been, what, two years since we spent any amount of time whatsoever with any of the original cast bar the Kate/Jack/Sawyer triangular black hole. Anyway, it's pretty much the exact same flashback as Hurley's first one, but with Daddy Issues shoehorned in, because everybody's gotta have Daddy Issues. I'm sure Joss Whedon approves.

On the island, Kate and Sawyer return to the main Lostaway camp, Charlie mopes because Desmond told him he's gonna die, Sun will no longer speak to Jin in Korean because that way he'll learn English faster. Hurley finds a rusted up ol' Hippy Wagon about five minutes walk away from the beach, beggaring belief once again that nobody has found this before. Hurley decides that this van needs to be fixed to make food taste good again, and enlists the help of Charlie, Sawyer and Jin to get it going again. Hurley and Charlie take the van down on a suicide run into some rocks on the illogical basis that it'll either kill them or break their respective curses, and, hey presto, it... well, doesn't kill them, anyway.

Also, Kate goes looking for Danielle (YAY!) to go help her rescue Jack, because hey there's this teenage girl called Alex who is probably your estranged daughter, and I guess you'd like to reunite, huh, Danielle? (YAY!!) Plus, Sayid and Locke tag along (YAY!!!).

So, it's all very fillery, and there's the requisite Lost total lack of anything resembling logic, but there some cute stuff like Sawyer's anger at the scotch stolen from him by Charlie, Des and Hurley being totally defused by Hurley's unrestrained joy at seeing him alive to make it bearable fluff. Aw.


Scrubs 6x11 - My Night To Remember
Episode Grade: F

Hey, let's take a bunch of clips of old episodes and string them together in a way that takes them out of any context in which they might be funny and/or poignant! And be sure to throw in a reference to "cheesy clip shows in sitcoms that have run out of ideas", because acknowledging that we're peddling excrement makes it perfectly OK to do so, right?

And, it's not like I need any more than "cheesy clip show" to accuse this of being a waste of an episode, but as few as 13 episodes ago, Scrubs did basically another clip show, albiet with a somewhat fresh take on it, and they used the "analgesic" joke in that one, too. So they're recycling their own recycling. So lame.

Also, Dr. Cox is now bald for some reason. What?


Veronica Mars 3x15 - Papa's Cabin
Episode Grade: B-

Paradigm shift! It gives me a really weird feeling throughout. See, because Sherriff Lamb died last week, and Keith has, temporarily at least, taken over as Sherriff, which majorly changes the dynamics, and then Veronica spends most of the episode working with Landry's T.A., Tim, in an effort to prove Landry's innocence in the O' Dell murder case, which throws out increasingly blatant flashing neon signs saying "TIM IS THE REAL KILLER" until we reach the point where Landry is charged for the murder and Tim takes over his Criminology class and spends the first class basically explaining in detail exactly how he killed Dean O' Dell and framed Landry for it. As far as motivation goes, we get a reasonable explanation for his framing Landry in a recording of a phone conversation where Landry tells a potential employer calling for a reference that Tim is pretty useless, really, but there's no explanation for his willingness to kill Dean O' Dell to affect that outcome beyond a throwaway "Everyone hated Dean O'Dell" from Tim, which frankly is not exactly a detailed enough motivation for a seven episode arc, as far as I'm concerned.

So, while I appreciate the change from "Veronica gets herself in mortal peril and Keith/Logan/Parker bails her out" for a resolution to a major arc, this was still kind of a let down for what is, apparently, the last multi-episode mystery we're going to get, even if the show does somehow manage to cling to life for another season.

In other news, Parker and Logan are totally hot for each other, but are worried they'll be breaking the friend code with Veronica if they act on, so Logan asks for her permission to ask Parker out, and Veronica gives the OK without any apparent angst whatsoever, although she was rather distracted by murder-solvin' at the time. Still, it's looking increasingly likely that if we don't get a fourth season, the show's going to end with Logan and Veronica apart and not crying into their pillows about this fact at all, which would be hilariously awesome as far as I'm concerned.