Frisking Eggbeaters

Torchwood Episode 1x07 - "Greeks Bearing Gifts"

Episode grade: A


So, I usually make some attempt to make the anagramatic post titles as appropriate as possible to the episode, but the Internet Anagram Server threw up that as the only two-word-only option, and I just had to.

Captions inform us that we're in Cardiff, 1812. I like when things are set in that year, or, like, the score is 18-12 in a game of table tennis or something, I always start humming the Overture in my head. A woman of ill-repute leads a soldier through the woods, asking if he's nervous, if this is his first time, if the others have been teasing him and the like. Her name is Mary, and she's played by the rather wonderful Daniela Denby-Ashe, who I recognise as being one of the few of the Harper clan not to go on to have a moderately successful music career. I know, I know. Soldier Boy does not take kindly to Mary's attempts to undress him, and he slaps her a couple of times, hard enough to draw blood. Mary responds by caressing his cheek, then scratching it hard enough to do the same and fleeing. Soldier Boy gives chase, of course, but he's even worse at it than the stupid cannibals last week. Mary hears feedback loops in her head and sees a glowing light through the trees, so I guess we're back to aliens instead of all that "THE REAL MONSTER IS MAN!" nonsense. Hooray! Soldier Boy sees the light too, and hesitates before drawing his pistol and following Mary into it. The light flashes to blinding, then dies away. Mary turns to face Soldier Boy. He points his gun at hear and asks "Do whores have prayers?" She grins wickedly. He fires. Another blinding flash of light...

...And we're back in present day Cardiff, which I can tell because a) there is a whole lot of machinery around and this is clearly a building site or an archaelogical dig or something, b) there are modern police cars around the place and c) the Symmetric Hyena is there. Nothing gets past me. The crew (sans Ianto, as per usual. Was there ever any explanation for why he came along on the cannibal trip? Aside from needing to give Gareth David-Lloyd some screentime occasionally, I mean.) get out and march straight through the POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS tape, because they're outside the government, beyond the police, a few feet to the left of the coastguard and all that. From behind the tape, Mary watches and smiles, only she's changed her hair and clothing style quite a lot in the last 200 years or so, so if you aren't familiar with the actress and the camera didn't focus on her quite so blatantly, you might not realise it's her.

And credits. This one by Toby Whithouse, who also wrote "School Reunion" on the other show, and hey, that one wasn't bad either. Somebody give this guy an award or something.

When we return, the crew are inside a secretive tent thing looking at a skeleton and an alien artifact which looks kind of like the Spiderman logo, and Jack's giving his Charismatic Speech for the day; "Once, just once, I'd like to walk into one of these tents and find it's a party." He goes on in this manner, because while Jack may have room in his heart for all kinds of beings, the largest room is reserved for one Captain J. Harkness. Gwen asks if he can tell what the artifact is. Jack cannot; "It could be a weapon. Or a really big stapler.", so he passes over to Owen for thoughts on the body. Owen: "She's dead." And now Tosh, with the weather. Tosh uses a gizmo to determine that both have been there for 196 years, 11 to 11½ months, "the earth's been disturbed, so I'm afraid I can't be more accurate". Deadpansexual! What have you achieved today? See, because I've just invented an awesome catchphrase for any time someone uses dry humour on this show. (Yes, I totally had to use a thesaurus to find a different way of saying 'deadpan'.) You can use it if you want to. And you know you do. If you think I'm being kind of weird here, just wait until I get onto "Random Shoes", because no way in hell am I watching that again sober. Gwen conversationally asks "What killed her, the stapler?" and, I don't know, I just find her delivery hilarious. "What killed her, the stapler?" Hee hee! Shall we move on? OK. So, Owen thinks the shattered ribs indicate that she was shot, in fact. Jack decides it's time to get them back to the Hub, because, as we saw last week, letting them stay out past the curfew is just not pretty. Owen and Gwen do some blatant flirting, so I guess they're not bothered about trying to stay secret after all that Spin The Bottle retardness. Tosh watches and gives a slightly hurt look, because each and every character who has ever appeared or will ever appear on this show has a thing for Owen. Seriously.

Back at the Hub, Owen and Gwen are being all giggly and flirty again. It's so very disconcerting. They break it up when Tosh approaches, and Owen admits in an exceedingly naughty schoolkid way that he may have accidentally kicked the plug out of her computer while he was playing football, but it's Gwen's fault, miss, she started it! She said I was no good at sport, the meanyface! Tosh yells at him because she was running translation software and so very very much technobabble. Gwen gives her some serious "Take a chill pill, man!" face, and Owen mutters "That's a bit of a mouthful". Gwen sniggers at this, and then apologises, "private joke". I really, really do not want to know. Detention for the both of you! Tosh berates them some more, Gwen apologises again, but actually kind of sincerely, Owen tells her "Sometimes I think the stick up your arse has got a stick up its arse." Oh yeah, I fucking hate Owen! I'd become so bewildered by all the immaturity I'd almost forgotten.

Tosh sits at a bar on her own, looking miserable, as people sitting at bars on their own generally do. Bold as brass, Mary walks up to her like they've known each other for years and tells her "the guy over there's been staring at me all evening", which I'm pretty sure is not true, because I'm pretty sure you just enetered this estblishment a few seconds ago, Mary, "and I've told him he's wasting his time but he won't listen, and so I came over to talk to you, because I know how this ends: he gets a punch in the neck, and I get barred. And I've already been barred from about 20 pubs, and I don't want to get barred from this one 'cause they do these nice olives on the tables." Now that was a mouthful. And that's not a private joke. I don't even see how that possibly could be a private joke. Shut up, Gwen. Tosh searches for the appropriate response and settles on "Right." Mary offers to buy her a drink, Tosh tells her there's really no need, but Mary insists, oh and also, Toshiko Sato, she kind of knows who you are, and reels off Tosh's life story to prove it. Tosh hardens and asks how she knows about Torchwood. Mary lights a cigarette and dismissively tells her "There's stuff all over the internet", which is basically the modern day equivalent of "a wizard did it". But seeing as how Mary is totally bullshitting here anyway, I have no problem with it in this instance. Mary also uses "we", which Tosh picks up on. Mary tells her they're "Scavengers. Collectors, just like you. "How many of there are you?" Tosh asks. That is some crazy ass sentence structure right there. Tosh worries that she really shouldn't be talking to Mary, so Mary shrugs and tells her to go then. And though Mary is quite obviously deliberately telling Tosh everything she wants to hear, Tosh falls for it hook, line and sinker, because Tosh is naive (see, character development!), and also vulnerable to this kind of manipulation right now due to melancholy.

Cut to some time later, and Tosh, perhaps a little drunk, is gushing about how the stuff they find shows that aliens have similar cultures to ours, "but that can be horrible, because we find lots of weapons. And it just makes you think, my God, everything wages war! It's not just a trait of ours, but a trait of existence!" Other similarites; aliens also write letters to their families. And, say, manipulate others for their own personal gain, no? And put stupid warning labels on things, no doubt. "Do not insert procreational mandible", that kind of thing. While Tosh is babbling all this, Mary just stares at her lustfully. Hungrily, you might say. Tosh finishes, and Mary smiles and tells her "I want to show you something." No, not like that. Get your mind out of the gutter. For now, anyway. Mary opens up a little tin and pulls out a pendant. "It's a pendant," Tosh says. She's not in an elite alien hunting and/or scavenging force for nothing, you guys. Mary tells her to put it on, and, without asking any questions or pausing to consider the possibility that that might just not be a good idea, Tosh does so.

And immediately, with much camera jumpage to illustrate the confusion and overwhelming nature of it all, she can hear people's thoughts. None of them are all that interesting. One guy ponders What's that Asian girl doing is she having a fit or something and then starts wondering if Tosh and Mary are lesbians and how he'd go about having a threesome with them, because, of course, that is how all men think. Mary tells Tosh to focus on her voice only, block out everything else, which she manages with a little guidance, and they start communicating telepathically. Which means that all anyone else in the pub can see is the two of them staring intently into each other's eyes. And that guy thought they were lesbians before they started doing this. Well, actually, Tosh has her eyes closed, but I imagine the effect is much the same from a distance. Tosh is having difficulty, but eventually manages to pick up that Mary is thinking I want to kiss you. Tosh, startled, pulls off the pendant and Mary apologises for letting that slip out 'accidentally'. Tosh looks a little uncomfortable and quickly changes the subject, asking where she got the pendant. Mary tells her "it's been in the family a long time". Tosh tells her it's incredible, Mary is all "It's not just incredible, it LEVELS THE PITCH BETWEEN MAN AND GOD." I think that's pushing it a little. And then, immediately after mentioning that it is a priceless family heirloom that turns you into God, Mary tells Tosh she wants her to have it. Naturally. Even Tosh is suspicious of that, but Mary tells her she's had it too long, and after a while, "it changes how you see people". And that is enough to persuade Tosh, because she is equal parts naive and greedy. And intoxicated. Tosh tells Mary she'll have to show it to the others, which makes Mary laugh, because she knows Tosh won't actually do so. Tosh sarcastically wonders if Mary knows this because she "found [Tosh's] C.V. on the internet", because she somehow hasn't noticed the obvious link between the two parts of "Hi, I know your entire life history and oh, by the way, here's a necklace that gives you the power to read minds." Tosh insists that she isn't going to keep it to herself, and Mary just shrugs all "We'll see".

And so we shall! Tosh fingers the pendant as she enters the Torchwood souvenir shop, then quickly hides it behind her back when Ianto walks in. They both give exceedingly preoccupied greetings, and Tosh puts the pendant on once he walks away. In Hub main, Owen says "hey, Tosh", Owen's head says She'd better not go into one about her computer again. Gwen says "Hi", her head mutters about an ex-colleague of hers who's been annoying her, I should put a Weevil in his bathroom. Dude, I just noticed, I think Weevils are the Torchwood version of Bad Wolf. That is so weird. Tosh loudly declares that she has something to show them. Out loud, they're amicable about it, in their heads, Owen worries that it'll be something dull like the slideshow she showed them previously, and Gwen makes fun of her unfashionable boots. "I! Found! This! Thing!" she shouts over them, like she's talking to a deaf and/or foreign person. Seriously, she is so extremely obvious hiding something, but I can absolutely buy that Gwen and Owen are too wrapped up in their own bullshit to even notice. Owen's head does say What's she talking about she can be dead weird, but, being Owen's head, it immediately moves onto I wonder what she's like in bed I do dig the way they absolutely do not think with any kind of punctuation. Tosh tries to start explaining, but is distracted again by Gwen pondering about whether the fact that the sex in Owen's car this morning makes it twice now (whether that's twice in the car or just in general isn't clear) means they have some sort of arrangement now, no it has to be more than two times surely long as we keep it to just the two times we're fine what's Tosh looking at? Gwen asks what it is that Tosh wanted to show them, but she just can't concentrate with both Gwen and Owen now thinking about fucking each other, so she claims it was just an article in a magazine or something, "I'll bring it tomorrow. Owen's head sarcastically thanks her for that rambling trip to nowhere.

Later, Tosh is alone in the Hub and Ianto walks in to clear up empty teacups, and these are his thoughts:

Can't imagine a time when this isn't everything
Pain so constant, like my stomach's full of rats
Feels like this is all I am now
There isn't an inch of me that doesn't hurt

Out loud, he cheerily asks Tosh if she'd like some coffee. Looking close to tears, she tells him "I'm... I'm fine. Thanks. Ianto." It's even more hilariously awesome when you consider what we learn later; what Tosh is hearing isn't concious thought, it goes deeper than that. So, Ianto has bad emo poetry IN HIS ACTUAL SOUL. I'd kind of forgotten what it's like to actually enjoy an episode. Certainly what it's like to enjoy an episode I already liked even more on repeat viewings.

Tosh is walking down a road somewhere, no longer wearing the pendant, and there's Mary, sitting on a wall and smoking like the Bad Girl that she is. Tosh harshly says "I might have known you'd have my address as well". Mary smugly asks if she told. Tosh says "No, I didn't" like she's saying "Fuck off", which is quite a hard thing to do, really. She walks into her house, and Mary follows, asking what made her change her mind. "You listened to them, didn't you?" Tosh angrily pulls the pendant out of her bag and throws it down on the table, demanding to know why Mary gave it to her. Mary points out that she already told her, but Tosh was being rhetorical anyway, and cries "The things I heard... What they thought of me... God, these are people that are supposed to like me!" Mary assures her that they do, and explains about the whole subconscious thing, which I swear must have come later the first time round, but I guess I just didn't pay close enough attention. Tosh is still really upset about some of the things she heard, and Naoko Mori is really doing a great job in this scene. Mary notices a photo of Owen with his arm around Tosh on her fridge and looks sympathetic. Tosh continues ranting, "you think you know someone, and then you see them for real, and they're... BASTARD LITTLE KIDS!" I really don't think Owen goes to any great lengths to disguise that fact, but whatever. Mary looks at Tosh and slyly tells her "Not everyone" and also shrugs off her jacket and you do not need a pendant to read her thoughts right here. But she offers it to Tosh anyway, because, hey, Tosh is kind of slow.

Even though we have no watershed concerns with this show, we don't actually get to hear Mary's thoughts, but it's probably more effective that way. Tosh warily says "I wouldn't say your thoughts are exactly pure." Mary points out that they are, however, consistent, and Tosh gives a kind of shy smile, probably at something else Mary 'said'. Tosh gets in a little more self pitying because Owen hates her, but gets distracted by something "pretty graphic" that Mary is thinking. Mary innocently claims that she thought nothing of the sort, "must have been yours", which I do not believe for one second, but I think Tosh buys it. She is in so very far over her head right now. And then they kiss! And that makes it five for five on cast members who've had a same-sex kiss onscreen. So, why do I not feel opressed by The Gay Agenda?! Aside from the fact that that's completely retarded, I mean. Well, you know, Gwen was under the influence of pheromones, Ianto was unconscious, and Owen was probably just doing it to keep from having the crap beaten out of him. It's the whole Kinsey Scale thing. I'll let Faz field that one. I think they've done a pretty good job with slipping that whole thing in without beating me over the head with it, thus far.

And then Tosh is naked in bed, clutching the covers around herself. There's whooshing noises as the camera zooms out. Because it all happened so suddenly. It's obvious, sure, but it's still effective. The direction is really on throughout this episode. Mary, clad in a dressing gown, wanders into the room and comments that Tosh has no ashtrays anywhere in her house, so she's using an eggcup. Tosh is kind of shellshocked by anything and everything. Mary notices that Tosh still has a birthday card up, despite it being way past her birthday. No prizes for guessing who it's from. And dude, that card was hand made by a seven year old girl. It has "Happy Birthday" written on it in PINK CRAYON. There is a drawing of a FLOWER. I know Owen is immature and all, but... No, wait, there's also a photo glued to the front, and I think it's the same one that was on the fridge. I am forced to conclude that Tosh made this card for herself and wrote "With love from Owen" inside it. That is actually the saddest thing I have ever heard of in my entire life. That is unbeatably sad. I am in awe. Mary pretty much just finds it hilarious, and Tosh gets kind of offended. Mary tries to claim that all she's saying is "I don't want to get in the way of anything", Tosh angrily proclaims that there's nothing to get in the way of and storms out. Mary lays back in bed, takes a long drag from her cigarette and smiles. "Wouldn't be the first time I've been a rebound shag." Tosh walks back in, hastily getting dressed and telling Mary that she's not a rebound as "nothing's happened" between her and Owen, and she now knows it never will, "thanks to your bloody pendant." Tosh curls up foetally and cries, more whooshing noises as, with odd jerky editing, Mary picks up the pendant and lies next to Tosh, telling her that the pendant can be used for good as well as angst! "You need to go somewhere public. Somewhere crowded."

And so Tosh goes out into a crowded Cardiff street to get her Matt Parkman on. Cut back to Tosh's place, Tosh asks what she's looking for. "It will find you." Tosh stands in the street, looking lost. Past Tosh yells "I'm sick of all these riddles!" at Mary, if that is in fact her real name. Mary shrugs and offers another name; "I'm Philoctetes." And I'm sure that if I were Jacob, I'd be orgasming Greek mythology all over the place at this, but I'm me, so I'll just link to what Wikipedia has to say on the subject. Fascinating, no?

In the street, Tosh hears a bunch of people's thoughts, but none of them really matter until the one guy who walks past looking angry, who is thinking I'm gonna kill them over and over and over. She tries to follow him, but hearing the thoughts of the hundreds of people walking to and fro is pretty distracting, and she has trouble. Tosh, you know what the dude looks like, so hows about you TAKE THE PENDANT OFF NOW? But, even with the distraction, she manages to find the spot where he's detached himself from the crowd, and has now moved onto I won't miss anything I won't miss the city I won't miss this body I won't miss anything.

So, Mary and her 'pretty much the same story as Carys except better told thing' is the obvious candidate, but this guy is the real season theme guy in this episode; Mr. Murderer knocks on the door of his house, where his approximately-seven-to-twelve year old son (I'm not good at these things) lets him in without looking up from his Gameboy or PSP or whatever the kids are calling them these days. IN MY DAY, WE MADE OUR OWN FUN. In the kitchen, Ex-Wife tells him she wants Son back at six and babbles on about how our Rachael reckons she could have him arrested if he keeps being late and new tanning salon and blah blah Jackie Tyler-cakes. Murderer just gives her a dead-eyed stare and pulls out and loads a shotgun. He tells a story about this holiday they had in the Isle of Wight one time, and Ex-Wife clings tightly to Son and freaks out, and he tells her "It was this perfect little memory, and we were happy, because we were together" and "I forgive you" and "It's OK, it's just like falling asleep" and this guy's acting is just awful. I assume he's going for 'given up caring' but he just comes across as 'disinterested, reading words off a card'. It's a subtle distinction. Anyway, Tosh comes in and clocks him in the back of the head with a golf club before he can fire, and everyone gets to not be shot in the face, so it all worked out fine!

Med Bay. Gwen is cheerily singing "The hip bone's connected to the head bone" and so on, (and pay attention, because you may need this to break into LeChuck's secret fortress later) and Owen is throwing stuff at her and telling her to please stop singing and Jack is laughing along with her. Point is, there is frivoloty occuring in the Torchwood offices. Tosh enters, looks worried as she pockets the pendant, then attempts to join in, asking what it is they're all laughing about. Turns out that Owen's cursory autopsy of the skeleton they found, in which he suggested it was that of a woman, killed by a single gunshot, was incorrect, for a couple of reasons. The first, Gwen explains being "this isn't in fact a woman, but a man." "A very girly man," Owen interjects. Heh. And, dude, Gwen is in bizarrely high spirits, and she's a little slurry on some words. I'm pretty sure she's drunk. "Then there was the cause of death," Gwen continues, "Owen said GSW. *Family Fortunes wrong answer noise* The correct answer was..." Unidentified trauma, which, for some reason, Tosh seems shocked by. Gwen teasingly asks Owen if there was any part of his prognosis that wasn't wrong. "I got that it was a skeleton," he offers, and Gwen touches her nose with one hand and points at him with the other and whispers "Yes! You did." Yeah man, she is wasted. And then Gwen and Owen start foreplaying and Tosh quickly leaves, and I am certainly warming to her a lot in this episode.

Jack's Office. Jack's giving a security code over the phone, Tosh asks him if he knows anything about Greek mythology, specifically Philoctetes, claiming "It came up in a pub quiz". She's not a good liar. Jack's surprised that Tosh does pub quizzes. "I love pub quizzes!" Tosh enthuses, "Down at the... Prince of... Tides..." she continues, in a total "There's no Angus McCleod in North Kilttown!" tone. She is a really, really bad liar. It's hilarious. Jack gives her a "whatever" look and then gives a quick summary of what that Wikipedia article said; "Philoctetes was an archer recruited to fight in the Trojan war, he got in an argument and was marooned on the island of Lemnos for about ten years." Tosh mutters "Just left there..." to herself, and I assume she is saying it in the sense of "Oh my God, they just left him there?", rather than "Oh yeah, Lemnos, I was there a few hours ago!", but you never can be sure. She turns to leave, Jack asks her about some report she's supposed to be doing, she distractedly tells him she's working on it. Jack tells her to hurry up, and then gets back to his phonecall; "Prime Minister, is this a secure line? Can you tell me why Torchwood operations have become part of your security briefings to the leader of the opposition?" Ooh, I wonder if it's still Harriet Jones?

Café. Tosh and Mary sit drinking coffee, Mary jokes that they ought to make an action figure of Tosh, so presumably Tosh has just told her thrilling tale of heroic life saving. Tosh tells her she understands now that the pendant can be used for good. And it's kind of a stupid line, but I do like that they've gone the reverse of what seems to be the usual route with this kind of story, where the character initially thinks the telepathy is a wonderful gift and then later discovers that it is really a HORRIBLE CURSE. Except that they totally do end up reversing it again and going that route and somehow it still doesn't really bother me. Huh. Mary asks what they said at work, and Tosh, enjoying the secret now, tells her she didn't tell them. Mary tells her she thinks that's wise and then says "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to kiss you now." Tosh gives a mock "Oh no!" And Mary explains that when Tosh does something incredibly brave and sexy like that, this is what she gets. And they kiss, and even knowing about Mary, it's really, really cute. In the background, an old guy looks outraged at them and then becomes suddenly extremely interested in his menu. I love that old guy. This episode is full of little things like that. It's really rather awesome. And then Mary decides she's gained sufficient trust and casually goes for the jugular; "So, what's happening with the thing you found on the building site?" Tosh doesn't know, because Jack is dealing with it. Mary leadingly says "I thought you did all the technological stuff?" Tosh explains that "sometimes our jobs overlap", and she's working on an admin thing. Mary, dismissively asks if they don't have a secretary for that, Tosh defensively claims "It's very complicated". Mary asks what Jack has found out about the thing then, but Jack isn't telling, of course. Seed of doubt successfully planted, Mary changes her tune to "No, absolutely, you know best, If he's keeping stuff from you, there's bound to be a reason" and so on. Tosh sips her coffee thoughtfully.

Med Bay. Owen's got his lab coat on, so hopefully he's going to be Dr. Owen, and therefore not annoying for this scene. Tosh brings him coffee. Where's Ianto? Oh right, she's doing it so that Owen can thank her for it by saying "You are gorgeous" and she can preen and pretend he likes her, he really likes her. Whatever. Owen explains that he's been researching devil worship and the like around the era the skeleton came from to see if there's anything about heart removal, but no luck; "They ate eyeballs, they drank blood, they had sex with animals, but they did not pluck out each other's hearts. Because obviously that would have been weird." Tosh asks why he's so bothered, because whatever was responsible is hardly going to be a threat to society now, right? Owen shrugs and asks if the chest-hole reminds her of anything. Tosh suggests the famous scene from Alien when it bursts out of the guy's chest, Owen amends his question to "Does that remind you of anything helpful?" It does not. "Right then, just go over there, do your computer stuff and think about shoes, eh? Thank you." Tosh starts to leave, looking hurt, of course, but pauses to ask if Jack's said anything about the Spiderman thing to Owen. Owen says no, but Tosh doesn't trust him, and puts on the pendant. No incriminating thoughts though. Gwen chooses this moment to walk in so we can have some more Wacky Adultery Hijinks, but it's cool because we get two fairly amusing conversations at once, though it's really hard to concentrate on both at the same time, so I'll recap them separately.

So, pendantly: Owen says Keep looking at the skeleton don't look at her, Gwen responds what;s the matter with him why isn't he looking at me? Owen concentrates hard on his work and says Don't think about her palm on the bottom of my spine her hand in my hair. Tosh distractedly tells them "I think I'll just go over there." Gwen twiddles a pencil in her hand, with a smily face on the rubber on the end of it, which is totally symbolising the immaturity of the Gwen/Owen affair, fo' sho'. Gwen berates No Gwen this is good can't go on this is a good thing why the hell isn't he looking at me?. Tosh angrily continues "I think my desk is on fire," and the other two pay no attention whatsoever. Hee hee!

Independantly: Owen says "Hello" to Gwen without looking up from his work. Gwen says "Hey, Tosh" and asks if she can have the other coffee Tosh brought, then starts drinking it without waiting for an answer, the jerk. Owen tells Gwen he's left copies of a case on her desk, the guy is "Still seeing cybermen outside his mother's house". Tosh distractedly tells them "I think I'll just go over there." Gwen mulls it over and says she'll try to find out if there's a history of mental illness in the family. Tosh angrily continues "I think my desk is on fire," and the other two pay no attention whatsoever. Hee hee!

Hub Central. Tosh is too busy checking out the Spiderman thing to notice Jack coming down the stairs. He gleefully tells her he's just come back from an interesting conversation with Detective Inspector Henderson, "Interesting because, firstly, the man had the biggest hands I've ever seen!" Hah, John Barrowman is clearly really enjoying himself here. This is way more of the old Jack we knew and loved than we usually get. And, I mean, I get that his experiences would have changed him, sure, but Angsty!Jack just doesn't play to Barrowman's strengths as an actor, and it means that many fans feel cheated out of the "Captain Jack's Arse Unleashed" that the promo stuff for this show promised, so I really hope they get him back to his old self as soon as possible. That is my main tip for improving Torchwood. Other tips inculde "Avoid having Ianto cry AT ALL COSTS", and "Chris Chibnall, no offence, like, but get out". I really have no idea to what extent he is actually personally responsible for the problems with Torchwood, but it's always easier to have a scapegoat.

where the hell were we? Right. "Biggest hands I've ever seen." OK. That's the first reason the guy was intersting, the other is the story he told about how Tosh is a genuine Hero. Tosh does a better job than usual of hiding her obvious guilt, and claims that she didn't tell anyone about it because "it wasn't a work thing". but Jack is still totally not buying the claim that Tosh heard the guy muttering to himself, "because when I'm about to murder someone, I'm really careful not to talk to myself about it while I'm in the street." Tosh agrees, "It's lesson one!" and quickly changes the subject to the Spiderman thing and how Jack is getting on with it. Jack just tells her "it's ongoing", even when she pries a little more, so she gives up on talking to him and tries the pendant. But that doesn't work either, which freaks Tosh out. Jack is all "What? Have I got something on my face?" Tosh weakly says "No, sorry, I... zoned out." Jack tells her "Well, listen, that was a good save, Tosh. Well done." Smooth.

Tosh's place. Tosh is clutching the pendant, looking conflicted. Mary, who apparently has her own keys now, walks in with a bottle of wine. Tosh tells her she's going to give up the pendant to Torchwood, because she's turned into a horrible person, spying on her friends. "Some friends," Mary snarls, "They pity you. They exclude you." Tosh doesn't care, she's turning it in anyway. And she doesn't get why Mary is so worried about it; it's the pendant they'll be interested in, not her. Mary disagrees, and when Tosh doesn't listen she shows why, going into echoey alien voice and telling her to PUT. THE BAG. DOWN. And then she closes her eyes and her face starts glowing and she turns into a CGI glowy Medusa thing with no nose. Tosh, in awe, asks who she is. "Still the person you kissed." And, man, turns out Mary is a pretty great ventriloquist, because I didn't see those CGI lips move at all! She turns back into human face, looking somewhat frazzled, and Tosh just stares. Mary tells her to say something. Tosh obliges; "So... I'm shagging a woman and an alien?" Which one is worse, Mary asks. "I know what my parents would say." Heh. Tosh notes that she read Mary's thoughts, and didn't see this. "What else have are you keeping from me?" Mary, more predatory than ever, explains that her home planet was basically Nebari Prime and the freedom of Earth seemed obscene in comparison; "Dissent of any kind meant death. Or transportation to what they called a 'feral outpost'." Tosh asks about the telepathy; Mary tells her it's how her people communicate, how they have done for centuries. Which makes humans look exceedingly primitive in comparison, like monkeys. Or cattle. It's a good point. And then Mary straight up tells Tosh what she was really interested in her for; the Spiderman thing is a transport pod that'll be able to get her home, and she needs to get to it before Jack dismantles it. Tosh asks why she'd want to go back if she was exiled and the place had such a shitty government, but Mary points out that it's been two hundred years, the gorvenment is bound to have been overthrown many times over by now. Tosh asks why they haven't come back for her then; "I've been forgotten. Like Philoctetes on Lemnos." It is sad. Mary puts on a great front, always, so maybe you don't realise it the first time through, (I didn't) but she really is pitiful. Tosh optimistically suggests that Torchwood can help her get home, but Mary, with much paranoia, though admittedly it's well-founded, tells her that ain't happening, they'll just lock her up and throw away the key, because that's what they do with aliens. Jack says as much at the start of every episode. "They're not interested in understanding alien cultures. It's just as well you haven't got the technology to reach other planets yet. Yours is a culture of invasion. do you really think I'm going to walk, hands raised in surrender, to that?" It's a whole lot like the speech The Doctor gives in "The Christmas Invasion"'s major contribution to awesomeness, but Daniela Denby-Ashe plays Mary so menacing and so self-satisfied, black hat firmly in place, that it just didn't occur to me to consider taking her side, first time. This scene is awesome, this episode is awesome.

Tosh walks through crowded streets again, hearing stray thoughts from various passersby, and as usual I won't bother recapping these because, well, they're Welsh. How important can their thoughts be? Tosh holds her head in increasing frustration at the voices and eventually rips the pendant off her neck.

Med Bay. Owen's still totally baffled by the skeleton, and appears to get a flashback to the skeleton, lying in the Med Bay, which is just so goddamn weird. He goes up to Hub Central and starts putting his coat on to leave, but then has a sudden epiphany, I guess, and logs into something on the Apple Mac Guffin.

Tosh lies in bed, whispering dramatically about how she can't stand the weight of it, the fear, the depravity. Jack is positively begging for further Angel comparisons by continuing his habit of standing on rooftops looking broody. Owen types frantically, does a little dance, and then goes back to typing. Tosh continues, voiceoverly, "It's in my mouth, in my hair, in my eyes. Like I'm drowning in ink." Hey now, don't be upstaging Ianto on the emo poetry. It's all he has left! Owen continues, finding a slew of victims suffering the same injuries as the skelton, going back, oh, a couple of hundred years. There's this weird sense of urgency and eurekaing on this discovery, even though it doesn't seem to be particularly useful to anyone at any point. I don't know. Even when Tosh isn't wearing the pendant, she can't forget what she's seen and heard, and it is driving her ker-ayzeee. She keeps hoping to find some random act of kindness, that'll make it seem OK, make it seem like there is essential good in us but there just isn't. It's like the Weevils, (Weevil is the Bad Wolf of the season!) inside, there's just this great yearning scream. Right now we're in the 50% of the time that I love this show, but still, man is it depressing sometimes. Owen calls up Jack, tells him there's something he needs to see. Tosh just don't know what to do with herself, but fortunately, Mary is standing by to give her the answer; "Get me into Torchwood."

Which she does. Tosh leads Mary into the hub, Mary marvel at all the cool stuff they have and quotes some poetry for our inner Jacobs to squee about. Tosh finds that the transport pod isn't just lying on the table where it always has been previously, and gets a worried look. Mary tells her to be quick and then immeditely hinders her considerably in this task by caressing her, saying "I've a long journey ahead of me. I might need something to eat before I go." Jack appears at the top of the stairs in typical dramatic fashion, waving the pod about and asking "Is this what you're looking for?" And then starts off on another of his long rambling stories with no particular point. "Friend of mine, let's call him 'Vincent'. It was his name after all. Regular guy. Girlfriend. Likes his sport. Likes a beer. Starts acting a little... strange. A little distracted. Suddenly, he disappears for a couple of months! He comes back, and we've gotta start calling him Vanessa." I really wouldn't have thought that would bother Captain Jack. Oh, but shhh, he's actually getting to the point now! "Since then, I've always been a little nervous when a friend behaves out of charater." He then introduces himself to Mary and, with a terrible put-on accent of indeterminate orgin, says "My guess is you're not from around these parts." He raves about how amazing the transport pod is and asks Tosh if she knows what it is, which she takes as an excellent opportunity to plead the case for Mary as victim of circumstance. Jack rudely interrupts to claim that Mary didn't tell the whole story; it's a two man transporter, "room for one prisoner and one guard." Mary freely admits that she killed the guard, and was then disturbed.

Flashback to 1812 again. You remember, right at the start? Yeah. Mary's true alien form (let's go with 'Philoctetes', in the hope that it will slightly alleviate confusion in this part) is just floating around, doin' her thang, and the real human Mary (we'll just go with 'Mary' on that) wanders into her neck of the woods. Philoctetes smiles and glows her way into Mary's body. And, as before, the soldier appears, and asks if whores have prayers and shoots her, only this time, we see further, and Mary is totally unaffected by his shot and glides over and pulls out his heart.

Back to present day, in the Hub. The rest of the crew have turned up to witness this now. Owen concludes Mary's heartwarming tale of heart thievery with "And that's what you've been doing ever since. You killed all those people." Mary shrugs that she needs to eat. And also gushes about how she loves her new human body, and the freedom she found on this planet, and she's known where the transporter was the whole time, she just didn't care to go home until someone dug it up and Torchwood came along to lock it away forever. Which I'd forgotten about, and does maybe put a little more spin towards villainy, but there is still plenty of moral ambiguity going down here. Tosh surreptitiously puts the pendant on again. Gwen's thinking The way she looks at you with those eyes she's like an animal, Owen, after a brief interlude in his expreinces as a young doctor just starting out, is thinking She's just talking she's not even frightened of us she's just talking I'm gonna go for it now. Tosh cries "Owen, no!" and suddenly Mary's there out of nowhere, holding a knife at her throat. Even more out of nowhere, Mary proceeds to offer Owen the choice of a trade, Tosh for Gwen. Oh, right, she's trying to prove to Tosh that Owen hates her so she'll agree to come with her. Which is kind of working, but there's still something holding her back. I'm not entirely sure, but I think maybe it's the knife you are pressing into her throat, Mary. That tends not to be the best way to keep trust on your side. There's kind of chaos going on with everyone all thinking at once; Ianto's Oh please not again, Owen's She read my thoughts she actually read my thoughts and Gwen's What happened did he not want to what what did he say?, but then Jack's voice cuts through with clarity, and punctuation to boot; Toshiko, don't move. Don't do anything until I say. So, Jack has some kind of psychic abilities. Well, why not? He's from the FUTURE! Of course, I must question what the use of his ability to block the thought-reading is in sending secret messages to Tosh, because she can't block Mary. But, as it turns out, his message is entirely unnecessary anyway, because all he does is offer to trade Tosh for the transporter, and Mary agrees immediately. And then tells him he smells different to the others, and asks what he is, to which his response is, of course, "I don't know." Rude and not ginger, perhaps? Because he certainly isn't ginger, and this next part is pretty rude: he's reprogrammed the transport so that it'll fly her straight into the centre of the sun. And he seems to take a worryingly psychotic glee in announcing this fact. He even makes an awful "Don't worry, we're sending her at night" joke. Overkill, dude. Tosh is kind of upset by his callousness, he really does not care.

And now for the denoument. Indeterminate amount of time (but likely not that much) has passed. Gwen and Owen hang out on the balcony whispering while Ianto is attempting to comfort Tosh in the, uh, dining room? Owen is insistent that they talk to Tosh about something, because it is creeping him out, but Gwen thinks she's been through enough lately and they should hold off a little while. But then Tosh walks out and Gwen attempts to tactfully ask how long exactly she had the ability to read minds, and Owen just bluntly asks "What did you hear?" Because Gwen and Owen are wildly opposite in their approaches to things! Tosh tells them that "Most of it was noise... emotions, references I wouldn't understand..." "And the rest?" Owen presses. "The rest was none of my business." Owen agrees that it wasn't, and storms off. Gwen and Tosh stand there, fidgeting nervously. Un! Comfortable! They both attempt to talk it out, being entirely apologetic and "I can't make judgements about you", and Gwen is all "this should be my wake-up call and I should stop with the hate-fucking but I know I won't" blah-de-blee-de, and as Tosh starts to leave, Gwen adds "Don't let this put you off. The last few days, you've had a look about you. Love suited you." Well, hey Gwen, how do you know it wasn't AWESOME MIND READING POWERZ that suited her, hmm?

And then Tosh is sitting on a bench with Jack outside, marvelling at how the pendant could be the most powerful technology they've ever found, could bring down governments and so on. "What do we do with it?" she asks. Jack tells her it's her call, so she decides "It's a curse", and crushes it into tiny pieces with thhe sole of her Gwen-disapproved boots. Eh, I really think it would have made more sense if they'd just locked it away like they do with most things, because what if they need to overthrow a government or two somewhere down the line? But I'll let them off because Jack looks like he's thinking the same thing and is seriously regretting giving Tosh that responsibility. Tosh asks why she couldn't read Jack's thoughts. He gives his stock answer to any kind of question about him whatsoever; "I don't know." Man, they should totally play that up for comedy value. Like, Gwen could show him an lien artifact and ask "Jack, have you ever seen anything like this before?" and he'd be all "I don't know", because the question concerned the life and times of Cpt. Jack Harkness, but then Tosh would maybe notice and ask straight "What is that thing?" and Jack would rattle off a long list of facts about it. I don't know, sometimes my mind just goes to places. Jack does also add that he could feel Tosh "scrabbling around in there". Tosh off-handedly says it was like Jack was dead, so that Jack can look angsty and immediately change the subject, and oh man, I've been avoiding referencing "Earshot" for this whole recap, because it turns out that Joss Whedon didn't actually invent the concept of storytelling, but if they're going to go and steal the "you can't read my thoughts because I am dead" thing for their telepathy epiode, then I'm just powerless against it, really. So, Jack starts babbling about the report he mentioned earlier that he still wants from Tosh soon, and then suddenly pauses and wonders "What do bosses do in situations like these? You know, regular bosses?" What do regular bosses do when one of their employees hooks up with an alien who gives them mind reading ability in order to infiltrate their workplace, Jack? You mean besides sending the alien to a horrible flamey death? And he and Tosh share a giggle, because Jack 'jokes' that he hopes to be allowed to beat someone, but alas, it is not meant to be, and that's kind of weird, but then Tosh kind of breaks up as she tells him that one thing Mary told her was true; hearing their thoughts changes the way you look at people, and how can she live with it, and it's really, really sad. Jack tells her "There are some things we're not meant to know [theme! theme! drink!]. You got a snapshot. Nothing more.", Tosh clarifies that she doesn't just mean about Gwen or Owen or Ianto, she means the whole world. Jack has nothing more to say and just walks off, but I guess his point still stands. Tosh sits alone and cries. But just in case that's not enough, let's end with, like, a full minute of nighttime Cardiff porn with the Strings Of Sadness played over the top.

Next time: "It's time Suzie came back." Goddamn right, it is.