Moany B Crew

Yeah, I've been slacking off rather. For the next couple of weeks, that'll probably continue, but then my exams will be over, which probably ought to give me more free time to update. We'll see how it goes. But right now, I have the long overdue recap of "Cyberwoman" here for your viewing pleasure. I will add that the fact that Torchwood episodes four through six ranged somewhere between "rather disappointing" and "completely godawful" did not exactly help matters, but since episode seven finally pulled us somewhat back towards "Everything Changes" or "Ghost Machine" quality, the next few may come slightly quicker. Maybe. Also, for some reason I wrote way more than I usually do for this one and I don't know why.




Torchwood 1x04 - "Cyberwoman"

Episode grade: C



So, first of all, original intelligence lead me to believe this episode would be entitled "The Trouble With Lisa", which, as well as being a much better title, had far greater opportunities for anagramatic post titles, let me tell you. Though it's still slightly better on that front than next week's practically vowelless wonder, dagnabbit. Moving on.

Open on Ianto nervously adjusting his tie before stepping into the Hub, and proceding to play the roles of both Simon and Inara in the opening basketball scene from "Bushwhacked", because this show has half as many characters as that one, so they have to double up. The pterodactyl soars across the screen to remind us it exists so we won't be totally confused when it shows up later. Jack and Tosh complain about Owen cheating, camera focuses on Ianto standing around looking miserable and out of place, because this is his focus episode, and he'll cry if he wants to. I mean, I know he was pretty one note before this, but I liked one note Ianto, and 'giving him depth' really didn't have to equal 'turning him into this huge fucking emo'. But I get ahead of myself. Jack tosses him the ball on the way out and ignores his 'good to know that if I ever need attention all I have to do is die' face, because the crew takes him for granted, see? As soon as the door closes on the crew's exit, Ianto springs into action. Well, springs is overstating it. 'Trickles into action', perhaps.

Outside, Owen's got Men in Black shades on, for some reason, and Gwen is Welshly being shocked at the fact that Jack has never seen a live rugby match, and insists on rectifying the situation as soon as possible. Down in the Hub, Ianto orders pizza. Will the excitement ever end? An older Japanese gentleman enters, and Ianto 'konnichiwa's him so I can stop worrying that perhaps I'm being a racist tool by assuming the guy is Japanese and not Korean or whatever. Ianto silent tensioningly leads him down into the basement and the camera makes a big show of him unlocking and unbolting a big door, and he solemnly whispers to the other guy that "I did all I could. I really did." and it's all needlessly overdramatic, which sets the tone for the episode nicely, I guess. They finally step inside, and I'm really digging the music right here, actually, but yet more drawing out of the shocking reveal by way of "tonight's mystery guest" unhelpful camera angles, until eventually the franken-cyber-table raises up and shows us a clear view of the titular cyberwoman. Haha, titular. No, I'm not above that. And, OK, normally I'm not one to comment on the wardrobe choices, but seriously. That fucking suit. Mere words could not hope to express the full extent of the gratuity on display here. So, it's incomplete cyberization, fine. The head is mostly done, with just the face uncovered. That's vaguely implausible, but I could probably buy it. But then, apparently the most important concerns of these single minded killing machines is covering up those vital organs the crotch, the breasts and the shoulders, leaving everything else pretty much exposed bare flesh. Oh, plus there's the cyber-heels. I mean, fine, you can fanwank that they'd want to make all their cybermen a uniform height, so the heels are there to bring her up to the standard, but why would they do that FIRST? I know I'm ranting, but it really, really bugs me, because there's really no reason (beyond a need for titillation) not to have her in full cybersuit, and it would have lent so much gravity to Ianto's story here which, as is, is highly cheapened by all the chrome cleavage on display, and I just can't get emotionally invested. I really hate the cyberswimsuit, yo!

So, back to actual events; Dr. Cannon Fodder marvels at the cyber-survival of Lisa, whom Ianto gives a name and a kiss to, and the camera slowly zooms out some more to take in the full cyber-table. It's just an outline with thin strips connecting to her in various places and totally makes her look like a just-out-of-the-packet Warhammer model. Not that I'd know anything about that. Shut up.

Credits. This is another Chibnall offering, and, man, something about this guy's style I just don't like. Dude does not have a fine grasp of subtlety.

Dr. Fodder marvels some more and enthusiastically thanks Ianto for bringing him into this; "I never thought I'd get the chance to work with anything like this..." "Anyone," Ianto humourlessly corrects him. The doctor ingnores him and asks for some exposition, which Ianto dutifully supplies; towards the end of the Doomsday battle, the cybermen were in need of quick reinforcements, so they started upgrading whole bodies instead of brains, because somehow that's faster. Whatever, that alone, I could cope with. Lisa, like Ianto, was an employee at Torchwood 1 (London), and was halfway through the cyberization process when Ianto pulled her out and somehow managed to get her to the Torchwood 3 basement while keeping her hidden from anyone and everyone. Dr. Fodder marvels once again and pokes around with a sonic screwdriver, which, zwuh? What in the hell is he doing with one of those? He comments that "Her breathing and hearing appears [sic] completely cybernetic, and yet," he runs his hand across her stomach, "there is also bare flesh." Dude, do NOT remind me. He fondles her some more and suggests she's 55% cyberized, 45% human. Or maybe 60/40. 70/40! He asks Ianto's opinion, but Ianto (all of a sudden this episode) does not do small talk and presses the doctor; "Can you make her human again?" Dr. Fodder totally ignores the question again and asks Ianto how exactly he knew how to set up all this life support and such. Lisa pipes up at this that she told him what to do, Ianto fusses that she's supposed to be resting. Lisa ignores him (seems to be a lot of that going around) and asks of Dr. Fodder "Is this him?" Ianto's like "I promised, didn't I?" so that she can toss out a handy anvil; "You always keep your promises." D'you think maybe Ianto might be making a promise some time soon? Because I do. The doctor butts in that he'd like to ask Lisa some questions, then proceeds to ask her no questions whatsoever; "My name is Dr. [Cannon Fodder]. I specialise in cybernetics. Your friend Mr. Jones asked me..." "My boyfriend," Lisa obnoxiously corrects him. Dr. Fodder's like "Whatever, bitch" and tries to continue, "He asked me to come" but she interrupts again to say "We decided together. BECAUSE WE ARE IN LOVE. MY BOYFRIEND AND I, THAT IS. MY BOYFIREND WHOM I LOVE." Don't you hate people that are like that? I hate people that are like that. I'm sure I would never do anything like that in the past, present or future [note: TOTAL LIE].

Whoever is playing Lisa, by the way; totally wooden acting right now (I can only be bothered to look up names when I'm doling out compliments). Which is sort of ironic (is that actually ironic? With all the misuse of that term that goes on, I can't even tell any more), because Lisa is partially made of metal? Yeah, so, the rest of this paragraph is going to be a totally irrelevant tangent, and probably not actually funny, so feel free to skip it. Especially if you don't know who David Dickinson is. So, this wooden/metal parallelling that I've brought up here reminds of this pointless story. See, there was this sketch on, I think, 2DTV, where the joke was that David Dickinson's orange hue was not a result of fake tan, or real tan, but because he is, in fact, made out of wood. And, logically, this lead to a supposition from me and my usual posse of the time that there would be a alternate universe where David Dickinson was made of metal, and his catchphrase would be subsequently converted to "Cheap as filings" and "Bobby dullard". That's it, that's the story. I did warn you. You only have yourself to blame.

Now, where were we? Right. Dr. Fodder asks what the last thing Lisa remembers is, there's a quick flashback to Ianto dragging Lisa out of Torchwood 1, with everybody screaming, and then she answers "Pain. I remember pain." EMO! She even lets a single tear fall down her cheek. Total emo. Dr. Fodder questions Ianto about a place upstairs where he was told he could work.

Cut to Dr. Fodder working upstairs, he does some fiddling about and technobabbling so that Lisa will be able to breathe without the aid of a cyber-iron lung. Ianto worries that she might not be ready for this and Dr. Fodder offers up some cliché; "Sometimes, in order to save what we love, we have to risk losing it." Like, say, humanity, eh Suzie? That whole theme has been carrying through the episodes so far, in Carys, and in Ed, and now quite obviously in Lisa.

Meanwhile, in a bar somewhere, the Torchwood A team are having drinks and telling stories and generally having not a care in the world when Tosh gets word of a UFO sighting on her portable Apple MacGuffin. Owen is annoyed, of course, and whines "Can we at least finish our drinks?" Jack tells him sure, "Take ten seconds." Owen strops off, Gwen welshes out and tries to do exactly that.

Back at the Hub, Ianto's growling "If she dies because of you..." at Dr. Fodder, but not to worry, Lisa bursts into life, and Ianto runs along to smother her in affection and joy. "Why aren't I connected?" Lisa asks in concern. Ianto simply responds "You're alive." I like that. Doesn't make up for some of the cringingly bad dialogue that's thrown around elsewhere in the episode, but it's a start. Lisa thanks the doctor for his help, but the mood is broken when Ianto notices on the security camera that the A team are on their way back from whatever UFO crisis interrupted their leisure time, and he frantically ushers Lisa and Dr. Fodder downstairs. Though Ianto thinks she's too weak right now, Lisa insists on walking herself, albiet assisted by the doctor, since Ianto is, in fact, correct. Lisa pauses to marvel at the fact that she's alive, Ianto gives her a triumphant smile.

Outside, Jack's trying to lead a dramatic Joss Whedon opening credits march, but Tosh and Owen are ruining it by bickering about which character this show could do without more, smarmy misogynist or total non-entity. Or something. After a quick cut to check out how much franticer everything is downstairs in the land of cyberwomen and the men who love them, Jack makes a "Gwen is still applying the rules of Mundania and does not appreciate the wonders of the sci-fi utopia she now inhabits" joke. Take a drink! (Yes, I probably could have found a much more concise way of putting that.) Once they get inside the Hub, Jack shouts around orders and really, really enjoys the sound of his own voice. Ianto nervously adjusts his tie again, and steps into the room.

Downstairs, Dr. Fodder is struggling to help Lisa back to her cybertable, and dude, this basement is lit by the kind of floor lamp you'd find in any average living room. That's kind of funny. The doc finally gets Lisa over to the cybertable, and by way of thanks, she grabs him by the throat and starts choking him. Well, I'm sure in her cyberculture, that's a perfectly normally gesture of gratitude, and this will all end up as a wacky misunderstanding. They'll laugh about it later, honestly.

Upstairs, Gwen's on the phone to "Neil", whoever he might be. Ianto heads to an exit looking emo, and stops dead in his tracks with an "Oh, shit" expression when Jack calls out his name, but it turns out that Jack just wants him to make coffee. He gives a weak smile that would fool no one who paid him the slightest bit of attention (fortunately, this does not include any of the Torchwood crew) and heads off to do so.

Basement. Lisa shoves Dr. Fodder into the cybertable, and, after being considerate enough to wait for it to clamp his head in place, he cries "Lisa! Let me go!" Lisa, inexplicably with a totally cyberised voice all of a sudden, tells him that she can help him, "I can make you strong", the usual cyberman schtick. There's never any explanation offered for why her humanity suddenly vanishes, which, if that was my only gripe with the episode, I'd let it slide, but when lots of little annoyances build up, they start to become big annoyances, you know? Lisa pushes a button, and the cybertable gets to work 'upgrading' Dr. Fodder, and it does have kind of a portable version of the Robot Wars blades from the "Lion Sleeps Tonight" scene that was one of the only two particularly worthwhile parts of "Rise Of The Cybermen". (Yes, the other one I'm referring to IS the most hammy acting since Maldis graced our screens. You can complain about this ridiculous assertion if you want, but... how will you do that FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE!!!!! Exactly.) (Do you think maybe I've put in enough tenuously linked outside references to the recap of this ten second scene by now? Because you know I could find some more if you want. Not one of them has been to a Joss Whedon show, even.) So, back in the land of me actually, you know, recapping what is happening in the show, Lisa robotically sticks out her arms and shows off her shiny, shiny rear.

Torchwood Hub. The lights are flickering and Apple Mac Guffins are rebooting because the cybertable in the basement is draining all the power. Ianto lies that the generator has been having problems all day while they were out which he thought he'd fixed, and is quite obviously making the story up as he goes along, but everyone buys it, because who wouldn't trust that face, I guess. Finally starting to step out of her 'wide-eyed newbie' phase, Gwen actually looks a little suspicious and offers to go with Ianto to check it out, and he too quickly tells her not to bother.

Ianto dashes down to the basement and shuts off the cybertable, then finds Dr. Fodder's corpse on the floor with cyber parts rather gruesomely stuck in it. Lisa informs him that "his upgrade failed," and Ianto frantically asks what happened, "Was it an accident? Tell me you didn't do this..." "I wanted to repay him for helping me," Lisa replies, "by removing the weaknesses of his humanity." And, she's still talking robotically (not just in a 'wooden acting' way, I mean), but the cyberdistortion effects on her voice are gone again. I really don't know what the deal with all that is. Ianto panics that the others will come looking for him soon, and when Jack hears about the dead cybernetics expert, he is going to freak. Lisa sinisterly assures him that she can "deal with them", which sets Ianto immediately into a protective "Don't you go near them!" because he totally has a thing for one/some/all of the Torchwood crew. Seriously, any one of the regulars on this show are liable to jump into bed with any one or more of the others at any time, I think. Except Jack, it seems, because I guess death really kills your sex drive, even if you're the insatiable omnisexual that Jack always used to be. Who knew? Ianto tries to convince himself that Lisa doesn't know what she's doing, it's down to PTSD, then suddenly leaps straight from denial to anger and pushes her away, yelling "You've ruined everything!" He cries some more, and tells her to stay right where she is, "This can't happen again. If you harm anyone else, I'll..." "Yes? What will you do?" Lisa interrupts in an interested tone, and I think it finally occurs to Ianto that he might be in a little danger right now, so he doesn't press the issue, and instead goes to deal with the body. He tries to reassure himself that he can do this, then immediately proves that to be a total lie by bursting into tears again and moaning "I'm responsible for this!" No arguments here, champ. Lisa watches him drag Dr. Fodder's body out of the room with robotic stoicism, then turns around and switches the cybertable back on again.

Upstairs, on Jack's orders, Tosh sends off some kind of space email to the UFO to politely tell them to go away. Gwen does her usual newbie thing and asks if they shouldn't be taking the aliens in for questioning, and I can't believe it's only just occurred to me that Torchwood is basically Men In Black in, like, every way. Jack tells her "You interrogate an Ark, you'll be in there for months, and that's just the first question. They are so boring." And that's about the last we'll hear on that plot, because Lisa's draining the power again. I do like it when major events occurring during an episode are barely even mentioned in them. Jack radios to Ianto to ask if he's figured out what's going on with the power, but Ianto's kind of busy hauling a corpse, so he doesn't answer.

In the basement, Lisa's hooked herself back up to the cybertable, and all the oh so realistically visible electricity flowing through her is giving her an orgasm or something. I don't fucking know.

Upstairs, Tosh scans the basement and finds two human heat signals, which even Gwen can figure out means there's someone down there who shouldn't be. Everyone gets their running around boots on, and Tosh tighs that there's no way someone could get down there without setting off multiple alarms. Gwen kickstarts the new Buffy/Spike relationship by quickly offering to go with Owen to investigate. (By the by, if I didn't despise the tradition of portmanteauing character's names to indicate a relationship between them, I'd be going with the far less popular of the two possibilities on those two, but that shit should be reserved for bodyswap situations only. Yeah, if I stopped with all this tangential bollocks, this recap wouldn't have been a million weeks late, I know. I gotta be me.)

Basement. More corpse concealing. Elsewhere, Gwen and Owen shine their torches about the place. They see some bright flickering light through a door and Gwen fearfully asks what the heck is actually down here. Owen tells her there isn't supposed to be anything down here. Jack radios for a progress report, but Lisa's suckage starts staticking up the comms before Owen can give him an answer. Tosh tries to get them back online, and also checks out security camera footage and finds a bunch of deleted entries, but what with all the murder he's been busy covering up, Ianto hasn't had time to delete the footage of Dr. Fodder's arrival at the Hub.

Owen irritatingly takes forever to open up the door to Lisa's room, which might be extremely tense IF WE DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW WHAT WAS IN THERE. They get inside, and there's no sign of Lisa, but Owen freaks out at the sight of the cybertable and gets all intense and gravelly voiced telling Gwen what it is. She somehow knows exactly which button to press to shut it off, and the comms come back on so Jack and Tosh can freak out too. Jack orders them to come back upstairs immediately. Owen gets as far as "We still haven't f..." before Lisa hits him over the back of the head and knocks him out. Gwen radios to Jack that they have a "code zero incursion", so he gears up to come action heroing to the rescue and orders Tosh to get out and seal off the base if he's not back in 15 minutes. Tosh protests that she can't leave them all there, but Jack is adamant that if there's a cyberman on the loose, a good old fashioned suicide mission is better than letting it out into the general public. Y'know, it would really have helped this episode if there had been any evidence in either this or their Doctor Who appearances that a single cyberman would be nearly as much of a threat as everyone is making it out to be here.

Basement. Gwen holds her gun a couple of inches away from Lisa's face and hestitantly tells her "I don't mean you any harm. But come any closer, I'll shoot." Which would possibly be more effective if Lisa wasn't already comfortably close enough to knock the gun out of Gwen's hands and shove her into the cybertable. Jack comes running to the rescue while Gwen screams and screams and screams. Jack's a little taken aback by Lisa's stupid fucking suit, but he's actually sensible enough to use the gun he's carrying around. Unfortunately, Ianto, who is the exact opposite of 'sensible' throughout this episode, throws Jack against a wall so his shot misses. Jack and Ianto have a bit of a tussle, but put it on hold for a moment when Gwen's continued screams remind them she's about to be cyberized. Ianto tries to stop the machine, but Lisa's put some sort of override on it so he can't, so Jack yells over the radio to Tosh to shut off the power to the whole base. Tosh protestpositions that that will put the base into lockdown and trap them all inside, Jack yells the Nike slogan at her, so she goes ahead and locks that base down. And then black lights come on and she sees a map of Cardiff on the wall! No, not really.

Gwen faintly assures Jack she's fine, she's fine, and asks if he could please get her out of that thing. Jack smiles and tells her it's alright, then shines his torch in Ianto's face and orders him to stand guard by the door. Gwen asks where Lisa went, which is an excellent question, but Jack doesn't have an answer, and Ianto's too busy repeating "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" to actually do anything useful at all. Seriously, though, where did she go? Was Jack's single gunshot enough to scare her away? That's a pretty lame ruthlessly effeicient killing machine if you ask me. And hey, for that matter, what happened to Owen? Is everyone just ignoring him lying on the floor unconscious? Actually, that sounds like a good idea.

Jack pushes some buttons on a wristwatch McGuffin to release Gwen from the cybertable, and the three of them go searching for Lisa. Oh, and OK, Jack's carrying Owen. Lisa appears at the end of the corridor and stands still while Jack exposits to Gwen and non-Doctor Who viewers exactly what cybermen are, then turns around and leaves when he's finished. That was nice of her. Ianto moans "She's gone..." and Jack decides that this is a good time to actually do something about Ianto's mutiny and points his gun at his head, telling him to get them back to the Hub. Gwen asks what the hell he's doing, Jack grits out "Resisting the urge to shoot." Why exaclty did he wait until they'd gone cyberhunting to do this?

Hub. Jack tells Tosh to go to the weapons room and grab everything she can, then orders Ianto to get on his knees (Not like that. Yes, I know this is Captain Jack Harkness we're talking about.) and put his hands on his head. Tosh repeats Gwen's last question, Jack yells "I gave you an order, Tosh!", tells Gwen to go with her and then starts interrogating Ianto. Gwen ignores the order and decides to aid the interrogation by shining her torch in Ianto's face. Because I'm sure he'll tell you everything you want to know if it meant you'd stop ruining his night vision! Ianto admits full responsibility for Lisa's presence without resistance. Jack asks what else he's been hiding, which sets Ianto off into whining about how he provides a valuable service cleaning up behind Torchwood and nobody cares and everybody just takes him for granted and so on. You got it easy, dude. Be thankful no one's tried to cut off your arm yet. Gwen asks why he didn't tell them about Lisa, they could have helped. "Torchwood exists to destroy alien threats," Ianto explains, "Why would I tell you about her?" Owen pops up out of nowhere to suggest 'loyalty to Torchwood' as an answer, which gives Ianto the perfect invitation to go "Ha! Lisa's from torchwood too! Now you have to help!" Jack tries to persuade him that there is no cure to cyberization, but Ianto is not going to listen to reason. Jack sppechifies about what a terrible threat the cyberman are some more, and it's totally a rehash of that episode where the Ninth Doctor yells at people a lot, only with more emo tears, because Ianto loves Lisa a whole lot more than Van Statten loved the Dalek. Oh, and also, unlike Ianto, Van Statten came around to idea of putting his own survival first. Ianto tells Jack he's not giving up on Lisa, Jack replies "You'd better figure out whose side you're on here. Because if you don't know, you're not going to make it out of this alive." Jack, how much more clearly can Ianto possibly explain that he has chosen a side in this battle, and it ain't yours? Owen and Tosh report some bad news about the weapons, and hey, I think Jack might actually have sent Owen with her, not Gwen. Damn these people and their annoyingly similar names. Ianto begs the crew to let him talk to Lisa, who comes stomping into the Hub at this point. Another question; how exactly did Owen not hear that clunking robot walk when she snuck up behind him earlier?

Lisa cheerfully informs them all that "the army will be rebuilt from here", and, off Jack's questioning, "I am human 2.0." Jack asks how come she looks like human 1.0 then, and she checks herself out in some convenient nearby reflective surface. "I am... disgusting." WOMEN, eh? She decides she needs to complete her upgrade, Ianto pleads with her to stop messing about with all this 'killing machine' nonsense and be the woman he fell in love with again. "I brought you here to heal you. So we could be together." Lisa uses deranged robot logic to turn 'be together' into 'transplant her brain into Ianto's body'. "The two of us, together. We would be one complete person. Isn't that what love is?" No, Ianto tells her, which is an excellent argument against the whole cutesy name conjoining I was ranting about earlier. Anyway, Lisa decides this means they "are not compatible" and throws him against a wall. Rough breakup, dude. Jack springs, as he so often does, into action and moves to shoot Lisa, but before he can pull the trigger, she fires red sparks at him that make him convulse and drop his gun. I have no fucking clue. Jack yells "Code 9 Maneuver" to everyone, and apparently the Code 9 Maneuver involves Jack, Owen and Tosh running away in separate directions and Gwen standing completely still and staring in fear at whatever threat they're Code 9ing from. I can't say that that seems the most effective tactic, but you're the boss, Jack. Owen draws Lisa away from Gwen by shotuing "Lisa, what are you waiting for?" which, I have to say, wouldn't be sufficient to distract me if I was a ruthless killing machine, Lisa. Jack pulls Gwen out of harm's way, and the whole crew end up heading in the same direction, with Lisa in pursuit. Gwen helpfully reports "She's coming after us", Owen snits "There's a surprise", Gwen bitches "Could you be any less helpful?" which is PRETTY RICH coming from Miss Rabbit In The Headights. Jack tells them both to shut up and asks if everyone's clear that Ianto is wrong wrong wrong, and Lisa is not human and needs to die, which they are. He hands Optimus Prime's belt buckle from "Everything Changes" to Tosh, who asks what it is, even though we saw her using it to scan books into her computer, and Jack explains that it can open any lock in 45 seconds, even though we saw that that's not what it does at all. Would it really have been that hard to make a new "alien device" prop? Come on. Jack gives detailed instructions to Tosh on what to do with it, which basically amount to "go upstairs and turn the power back on", then tells Owen and Gwen to find anything they can use as weapons while he buys them some time.

Time for a suicide mission! Of course, those just don't have the same impact when, y'know, you're immortal. Of course, Owen and Tosh don't know that, although Gwen does. So naturally, it's Gwen that shouts "JACK!!!" and goes stupidly running towards the psychotic killing machine when Jack starts being "DE-LET-ED." Fortunately, Owen's there to hold her back. I say 'fortunately', but... that with kind of Darwin Award grabbing, it'd be no great loss. Jack gets up and taunts Lisa by saying "Is that all you've got? I'm not so easily deleted", which is one of those lines that nobody could make sound good. Owen wonders how the hell Jack is surviving it, but doesn't stay around to ask, since getting weapons is more of a priority right now. He might be a colossal tool, but at least he has a decent survival instinct, Gwen. Not faring quite so well on that front, Tosh stands around gawking until Lisa starts clunking towards her, and oh, will she possibly get through this door in time I am certainly on the edge of my seat here that's for sure oh she did how surprising. Man this scene is long and boring. Safely on the other side of the heavy door, Tosh leans against it to catch her breath when suddenly, Lisa's fist punches through the little window in it, which clearly serves no purpose other than to allow any cyber-Tom, Dick or Harry to punch through it. This really is pretty stupid, yo.

Meanwhile, Owen's searching the medical room for possible weapons, while Gwen helpfully attracts Lisa's attention by standing in the doorway pointing a torch at her. Gwen, you're so useful today! Now that Lisa has seen where they are and is heading towards them, Owen and Gwen are forced to climb into a tiny cupboard with Owen lying on top of Gwen in order to hide from her. Well, that sure wasn't contrived at all. Clunk clunk clunk. Check out those shiny high heels. All the cool mindless automatons are wearing them. Out in the central Hub, Jack stumbles to his feet again, finds Ianto's unconscious body and gives him the Sloppy Makeout of Life. Seriously, dude is not even trying to look like he's actually performing CPR. So, this could be misplaced faith, but I'm hoping it's some residual Time Vortex thing and not just terrible acting on Barrowman's part. Meanwhile, in the Cupboard of Contrivance, Owen gives Gwen the Kiss of Oh God Make It Stop, while outside, Lisa opens another cupboard to find it empty. So they didn't even have to both get in the same cupboard, and also, hiding in the cupboard was a really fucking stupid idea anyway. And then Gwen's phone goes off, alerting Lisa to their location so she won't have to check all of the 3 to 7 or so cupboards that there could possibly be in this small room. Owen and Gwen frantically scramble out of their hiding place and there's lots of yelling and screaming and all that.

Abrupt cut to the "Rhys phones Gwen and is terribly normal and boring in stark contrast to the crazy excitmenet of her new job" scene that is in every freakin' episode. How amusingly contrasting.

Back in the medical room, Owen grabs some sort of medical implement and stabs Lisa in her totally exposed stomach. I hope you've learned a lesson about shoddy workmanship here, the Cybermen. Now that things have been resolved (Strangely earlier than usual...), Gwen asks Owen what the hell he was thinking, 'snogging' her like that. Owen goes for the 'impending death situation' excuse, and adds "It's a little embarrassing given that we haven't been killed." Heh. I hate this and all, but that was a nice delivery. He also adds "It's not like I fancy you or anything." Because he is twelve. Gwen's, like, 'your erection begs to differ', Owen snits that she "didn't exactly struggle." Let's please move on already. Ianto wanders in and looks shellshocked at Lisa's unmoving form. Owen tells Ianto he had no choice, Gwen helpfully backs him up on this claim, Ianto looks like he's probably about to cry or start yelling at them, when Lisa's eyes suddenly open. She lied to us through song! I hate when people do that! Everybody runs away, Gwen having to bodily drag Ianto out of the room, since he isn't moving by himself. Back in the Hub, everyone gathers behind Jack, who's weilding a blowtorch and a bottle of barbecue sauce. You think I'm joking. Owen, in a somewhat accusatory tone, tells him "You should be dead." Jack, in full on action hero mode, responds "I'm the stubborn type" and warns Lisa to step back. She tells him the power to his blowtorch will run out, and she can wait, which is the most threatening she ever is. Ianto begs Jack to give Lisa a chance to surrender. Even Lisa is like, "You fucking idiot." After throwing it all over Lisa, Jack explains that the barbecue sauce "helps it identify its food", the it in question here being Torchwood's pet pterodactyl, which presently swoops down and grasps Lisa in its talons. And if that pterodactyl is going to start playing actual plot roles, it's gonna need a name. The official BBC site does give it one, but I'm going to use the flimsy excuse that said name has not actually been mentioned on screen, to my knowledge, as justification for my being too lazy to go look it up. So, using my usual method; pterodactyl, I hereby dub thee 'Dotty Parcel'. Enjoy.

While all this hecticery has been occurring, Tosh has been busily fiddling about with wires and suchlike, so let's watch that for a bit, shall we? Mmhmm. Those sure are wires.

Back to the action, everyone's piled on to the secret entrance paving slab lift, which is kind of a tight fit, and Ianto is once again screaming and crying, and on the ground, Lisa is also screaming and has clear fear in her eyes as Dotty attacks. And the lift brings the crew up to the streets of Cardiff, where Tosh greets them enthusiastically and marvels at the fact that she can actually carry out Jack's orders, since the rest of the crew are pretty much either totally useless or outright mutinous. Case in point; Ianto punches Jack in the face, yelling "You could have saved her!", telling Jack he's more of a monster than anything in the Torchwood cells and promising him (Ianto always keeps those, remember. I have a feeling this will be coming up later.) that one day, he'll have the chance to save Jack, and he'll watch him suffer and die. He's so fun! The other three hold Jack and Ianto back from breaking out into a full on schoolyard fight, and Tosh happily reports that she did some sort of technobabble so they can get back into the base! The base that they just left because there's a ruthless killing machine in there. I don't know. So, anyway, seeing a chance to save poor Lisa from the evils of Captain Jack, Ianto goes running into the base, and everyone else pursues.

And now it's time for the pizza ordered in the first act to go off in the fourth. That's not 'go off' as in 'become unfit for consumption', I'm just slightly altering that famous Chekhov quote as it applies to this situation. Obviously. So, yeah, pizza girl is here. With pizza. Security cameras, presumably inside the Hub, watch as the doors, presumably operated by Lisa, open themselves to let her in. Also, she calls out for Ianto specifically, which is kind of significant. I like this plot point, it's written in very naturally, and it's not massively obvious or melodramatic like much of the episode. Pizza Girl hears Dotty's screams and sees Lisa standing there when she enters the room, and is duly freaked out.

Outside, Tosh apologises for using her initiative and Jack grumbles "When I want you to think for yourself, I'll tell you!" Heh. Ianto reaches the Torchwood souvenir shop front, and turns and pulls a gun on his approaching colleagues, claiming "I have nothing left to lose!" SO emo. Jack pretends to be attempting to reason with him as a cunning disguise for stepping close enough that he can grap the gun out of Ianto's hand. Someone really needs to teach these guys to stand back a little when keeping people at gunpoint. Jack pushes Ianto against the wall and holds the gun to his head, tells him not to make idle threats, then threatens to shoot Ianto himself if his insubordination continues. Ianto yells "GET OFF ME!", which I guess isn't insubordination as such, but he's on thin ice. Jack then tells him that he can go down into the base, but only if it's to finish the job; if he finds Lisa still alive, kill her. Cold, dude. Also, if Dotty couldn't take her out, what the hell do you think Ianto's going to do? Anyway, this whole bit has way more melodrama and speechifying, but I refuse to recap it in massive detail when it includes Ianto telling Jack "You like to think you're a hero, but you're the biggest monster of all." AGAIN. For fuck's sake. Ianto steps down into the vault with a kicked puppy face, and Tosh starts to protest what Jack's asking him to do, but Jack snarlingly cuts her off.

Down in the Hub, Ianto spots blood spattered about the place,abandonned pizzas, and power being drained once again, and is somewhat perturbed. He runs down into the basement, where he finds Lisa body lying motionless on the floor, and has himself a good cry. And when I say a good cry, MAN, do I mean it. I couldn't possibly do his EMOPAIN face justice in words, so, check out the last picture here if you want to see it. And that's a fairly mild example. Anyway, he's thankfully pulled out of it by Pizza Girl calling his name from behind him. He quickly pulls his gun on her, she steps into the light so we can better see the scars from where her whole entire scalp has been cut off and sewn back on. She tells Ianto she's Lisa, she transplanted her brain into Pizza Girl's body so that she could be human again. Ianto refuses to believe her at first, so she proves it by showing much compelling evidence that she has Lisa's memories, which brings out the EMOPAIN face once more. Thank you so much, Pizza Lisa. She tells him "I need you to hold me", and he does, and the tears just keep on flowing. He steps back and cocks the gun in her face again, but he can't bring himself to pull the trigger and turns away, even when she proves she's beyond saving by telling him "We can be upgraded, together." So Jack, Tosh, Gwen & Owen all helpfully fill her full of lead for him. Wasn't that nice of them? And, you know, that particularly point, I like too, because pretty much the expected story would be Ianto finally coming to terms with the fact that Lisa can't be brought back, and finishing the job Jack sent him in to do. I like that he doesn't even get that closure. I just wish there'd been, like, 90% less melodrama leading up to it.

Another day. Ianto walks slowly into the Hub, looking defeated. Jack, looking down from above, gives him a stern nod, and he carries on in to work. Gwen, still useless, is also standing there like she's Bob, tells Jack he would never have shot Ianto. Jack attempts to be all enigmatic and just asks "Wouldn't I?" Gwen asks if he'd have shot her if she'd gone to stand by Ianto. Jack just repeats "But you didn't", as she keeps questioning "But what if I had?", and so on and so forth. "All that deception," Gwen sighs as they watch Ianto cleaning the place up, "Because he couldn't bear to live without her." Um, I KNOW. I did watch the episode. She asks Jack if he's ever loved anyone that much. He gives no answer, so she moves on to telling him that, for a second, when Lisa had him, she worried that maybe Jack could die after all. He confesses that he had the same thought, "and just for a second there, [he] felt so alive." Too much. Too much. Pan across the room to Ianto, picking up the pieces, and fade to black. And we're done.