Christians Ruin Everything!

Yeah, uh, I still exist. Really! So, pretty heavy workload this week, plus internet connection acting up Wednesday & Thursday has led to some things being rather later than I'd anticipated. It's not an entirely valid excuse, but it's something. Net result: There's going to be, like, four posts today. I SWEAR.

Hex Episode 1x05 - "The Release"

Episode Grade: B+


This was a very hard one to grade, because the difference in quality between the first half and second half is uniformly wildly different. Seriously, there's a cutoff point almost exactly half way through the episode, after which everything that is awesome in the episode happens. So, if I was grading the two halves as separate episodes I'd give C+ and A+, which averages out to a B+. Anyway, let's get on with it.

Previously: Cassie went Sassie and screwed a) Azazeal, and b) her life. Thelma met another lesbian ghost, who, as it turns out, is actually called Peggy and not Pippi, and I should pay more attention to the end credits, I guess. Speaking of credits, here are the opening ones. Yeah, I'm missing KimVo and her lame segues. Shut up.

Return to find Thelma feeding peanuts or something to Peggy, who comments that she'd never be allowed to do such things in her time, and continues way past the boundary line of TMI (whatever the hell that's supposed to mean (yes, I realise that I am the one who just wrote it)) by telling Thelma that she often wished she was an Egyptian slave, "not one of the sweaty pyramid building types, a lowly servant girl to a high-priestess." Thelma runs with this, commanding her to "get down on your knees and scrub my floor". Clearly all the showering just wasn't enough pandering for someone's liking. Peggy steers the conversation back to actual plot relevance by declaring that she's been thinking that maybe, just possibly, fucking history is fucking repeating itself, and they're experiencing the same thing as the Egyptians. So, do we suspect that there may be some connection between Ben and Glory? She points out that she and Thelma are "living proof" that Azazeal has upset the natural order. Because they are dead, and yet they still walk around merrily breaking into vending machines and interrupting backseat shenanigans. So, "living proof" is not exactly the most logical choice of words there. Thelma asks what is going to happen then, Peggy doesn't know, "but it all seems to centre on the child that Herath was to bear". So I guess thanking them for that subtlety last week was a little premature. "Theoretically, if your little friend is no longer possessed, then the world should have been restored to its natural state." Thelma optimistically suggests that maybe it has, but Peggy points out that if that were the case, she and Thelma wouldn't still be there. At this point, they get bored of the anvil throwing and settle down for some makeouts.

Outside, the camera finds the back of Azazeal's head very interesting. Me, not so much. He's standing under the Hanging Tree again, and watching the school. Oh, and crying his emo tears as well. There there.

Bathroom. Cassie's throwing up. Thelma asks what's up, Cassie thinks she has food poisoning or something, but I'm actually OK with her not figuring it out. Cut to Cassie lying in bed, Thelma asking if she has any other symptoms. Nope. Thelma suggests talking to Jenny about it, Cassie thinks Jenny would freak out, seeing as she's a hypochondriac. Thelma tells her to just get some rest, Cassie asks if she'll stay with her so they can smile at each other and be all sweet. Awwww.

Which is then interrupted by cutting to Cassie throwing up some more. I really don't think we needed to see that twice. But, hurrah, Thelma's stopped pretending like it isn't blatantly obvious what is going on; "At least it'll only last for the first few months." Cassie's all "NO FUCKING WAY", Thelma tells her there's one way to be sure.

In her room, Cassie paces up and down, babbling and in denial. "What about the backache?" Thelma asks, "Tingling breasts?" Cassie indignantly tells her she does not have tingling breasts. Ho ho. Finally, it is time for the results to be revealed. Yes, Cassie is pregnant. Shocking. Cassie's new lineof babbling denial is that it's obviously Troy's, even though she used protection with him, but not with Azazeal, because "feminine intuition." Thelma points out that this is total bull, obviously. Cassie points out an actual good reason to think it's not his; it's only been a couple of days. Thelma finds yet another opportunity to helpfully remind us that she's a ghost, and also that Azazeal is a fallen angel, so, usual rules probably don't apply quite so much. Jenny interrupts by knocking on the door at this point, Thelma hurriedly hides the pregnancy test in a drawer. Jenny is concerned that Cassie doesn't look well, Cassie insists that she's fine, then promptly faints. Convincing! She wakes to find that Jenny is, of course, more concerned, and insistent on calling a doctor. Cassie tries to talk her out of it with such lameness as "I have a doctor phobia", but in the end she's forced to tell Jenny about the whole pregnancy thing. Thelma gives some pretty excellent face pulling throughout.

So, "we need to talk". Those words just never herald good times. Jenny gets Cassie a doctor's appointment after all, then moves onto it. "Maybe we should tell your mum?" Cassie just gives her an eyebrow raise. "Maybe not." Next question is, of course, "Do you know who the father is?" Cassie just shrugs. "Is that a 'yes, but I'm not going to tell you' or a 'no, I've slept with so many people I have no idea'?" Jenny jokes. Cassie continues to say nothing. Jenny's worried now, "There can't be that many options, can there?" Cassie gives an evasive "Hard to say", Jenny's eyes expand to about twice their normal size. "Oh god, please tell me it's not Leon." Hee! Cassie can at least confirm that one. Jenny asks if she's thought about what she's going to do; "Drink a bottle of cooking sherry, take a hot bath and throw myself down the stairs" is the plan. Look, tackling issues! How topical! Jenny's kind of worried that she's so blasé about it all, but ultimately she agrees that it's Cassie's decision to make.

Cassie dreams some more of Azazeal, cheap-looking yellowy demon Azazeal and crude drawings of Robert Smith, then wakes with a customary start. Thelma appears to not be there to fret, for once, so that's all there is to that scene.

Daytime now. Camera pans absurdly slowly across Cassie's bed. Guys, I thought we'd stopped doing shit like that. Come on. When we eventually reach her face, a hand appears to stroke her cheek. I wonder who that could be? The other hand of this person, whoever they might be, puts down a mug of tea on the bedside table, so I guess we can rule out J. Walter Weatherman. Cassie wakes up so we can reveal tonight's mystery guest; it's Azazeal! What a pleasant surprise. He's being his usual creepy all-knowing stalker self. Cassie makes a lame attempt to pretend she totally isn't pregnant at all, honest, Azazeal starts rambling "I've been thinking about strollers, and I've decided that three wheels is a bad idea. If you look at the history of transport through the ages, four wheels has always been best." How the fuck is it possible that he makes that speech so incredibly creepy. Seriously. Cassie politely asks if he's going to leave her alone, which is absolutely the way to deal with demonic stalkers. Azazeal ignores her, asks if she's thought of any names yet, and tells her with great excitement "He's going to be an amazing boy!" Dude, I'm pretty sure you're supposed to agree on whether or not you want to know the gender beforehand. This relationship is just never going to work if you can't get something like that right. He also tells her he knows what she's planning to do, and that she feels more for him than she cares to admit, and she doesn't really want to lose the child, and Cassie does not exactly put in much convincing denial to any of this. And then he leaves. Yeah, just like that. Why not?

Cassie runs a hand over her rather inflated belly and complains that the baby is growing way too fast. Well, that is the way of demonic pregnancies. Because keeping one of your cast members in a fake pregnant belly for an entire season is just too much hassle. Anyway. What's going on? Oh, right. Thelma's reminding us all once again that she's a lesbian. Wonderful. Oh, and a ghost. Even better. Well, onto some actual worthwhile dialogue; "I'll be glad when this is over," Cassie says, and Thelma agrees. Cassie asks "How did we get into this mess?", Thelma suggests "I'm told that when am man and a woman love each other very much..." It's hardly an original joke, but you know. This episode is reminding me of the first two so far, so I take what I can get. I mean, I've seen the rest, so I know it gets much, much better fairly soon, but right now.

Cassie and Thelma head outside, where a taxi's waiting to take them to Cassie's doctor's appointment. Well, the taxi is probably only waiting for Cassie, but you know. Not a problem, since Thelma can walk through car doors. And check me out with the lame segue again; this fact was established with Troy's rustbucket of a car, which comes trundling along the pathway at this very opportune moment. Troy gets out, wants to talk to Cassie. Thelma offers to distract him by driving his car away, but Cassie says she'll handle it. Troy greets her with "You look awful," which is absolutely the way into any woman's heart. Cassie tries to be all casual and dismissive, though she obviously doesn't want to, but Troy is having none of that. He thinks he freaked her out by getting too into her too quickly, "but it's only because I really like you", Cassie tries to claim that they just aren't destined to be together, and Troy notices her inflated belly. Cassie lamely tells him "It's Christmas, I've been binge eating", which probably worked a lot worse than just completely ignoring it would have done. Troy naturally assumes the baby is his, Cassie tells him it isn't, he refuses to believe her because she won't tell him whose it is then, and gets kind of angry, Thelma stands behind Cassie making hilarious devil horn faces. Cassie ducks away into her taxi, and man, the driver was awfully patient there. Troy sadly watches the taxi leave. And hey, Thelma never walked through the door! If she appears at the doctor's office with Cassie, I will have to complain.

So, doctor's office. No complaining, Cassie's on her own. Well, there's a doctor there. Who would like to know when the baby was conceived. Cassie vaguely tells him "Um... I think it was... can't you tell from the scan?" He's like, "You can't remember?" Cassie gives the usual 'I have no actual answer to this question' answer; "It's complicated." And wait, I was wrong, Thelma IS standing behind her. Fine, she can fly, or teleport or something. Whatever. Dr. Condesension tells her to have a guess. "A few weeks?" Cassie ventures. "Try twenty." Cassie takes a deep breath and stammers "Twenty's good." Hah. He asks what kind of contraception she was using, and gives her a "You stupid bitch" look when she says she wasn't (see, there's a reason I named him that). Has she thought about what she wants to do? Yes, we've established that at least three times by now. She's close to the legal limit, so the termination will have to be preformed soon. Dr. Condescension tells her "Motherhood can be a very rewarding experience, are you sure you want to miss out on that?" like, if you could just get on with doing your fucking job, that'd be great. Cassie assures him that she does indeed want to miss out on this rewarding experience, so he tells her he can fit her in next week. She's worried that that might be too late, what with the rapid development of demonic babies, though obviously she doesn't mention that part, and asks if he can't make it any sooner, so after being a patronising dick some more, he tells her he'll see what he can do.

Back home now, Thelma is also complaining about Dr. Condescension; "That doctor was just like my mum. Always taking the higher ground." Hey, both of the main characters have parental issues! You're still not Buffy. No, seriously though, "She thought she was Mother Theresa, but I know for a fact she fixed Pass the Parcel." I love Thelma. Apropos of not a great deal, she moves onto "I think Jesus was a lesbian who loved too much." See? Thelma's awesome. Also, when Cassie was "being the bitch from hell", Thelma reports, "I called a helpline." Well, that answers that question then. It generates a few more, but you know. I just can't be bothered thinking about Thelma's ghost stuff any more. So, anyway, Thelma suggests that she is Jesus to Cassie's Judas. Sure, why not. Anyway, this scene is basically here to remind us Cassie and Thelma being cute together is cute so it'll hurt more when all the shit that goes on later goes on.

It is a dark and stormy night. A taxi pulls up outside somewhere. Jenny steps out. Oh, and Azazeal. Well, that can't be good. She leads him into her room. "The first time I saw you, I thought you were a burglar or a paedophile," she tells him. "Well, you weren't far wrong," he replies. Whoever said romance was dead? He explains that he's the leader of a group of fallen angels, she assumes he's joking, they procede to makeouts.

Library. Peggy's remembered another inscripted stone of hers that she didn't understand before, but with her new information about Azazeal, it makes more sense and sheds more light on things. Basically; The survival or otherwise of Herath (and, by extension, Cassie) was not important, but if her child had been born, all 200 odd Nephilim would have been released, which would probably not be a good thing. Oh and now the episode starts to get pretty excellent. And by 'excellent', I mean 'tugging away at those heartstrings over and over as hard as possible until something breaks'. Because preventing the birth of the child would restore the natural order of things, which, of course, includes the whole 'dead walk with the living' thing. Thelma pretty quickly picks up on the implications of that and starts with the crying. Let me warn you now, there's going to be a lot of that. Peggy tries to comfort her; "We're freaks of nature, we're not meant to be." Thelma emphatically declares "But I like being!", and now I'm going to go ahead and stop dismissing the Buffyness of it all, because that was everything that "I'm 16 years old. I don't want to die." was. And damn but Jemima Rooper can do a good cry. And a good acting in general, especially for the whole of the rest of this episode, which is why it hurts so good.

So, let's get on with it. Thelma wants to know if Cassie would have kept the child, had it been Troy's. Cassie passes on that one, and says she's "given up wishing things were different, it's just a waste of energy". Thelma has a depressive response, which is fair, considering what she's just discovered. Cassie has a letter from the hospital; everything's finalised, "no going back." And she joins the heartstring tug o' war, with a simple "I'm scared." Thelma calmly reassures her and does a pretty good job of it, and they do their usual sweetness and making light of pretty big deals, actually. "It's such a standard procedure these days. Hell, every girl under 20 should have one!" But, soon as Cassie turns away, Thelma's face falls, and the tears, they are coming.

Cassie, pacing anxiously with letter in hand, knocks on Jenny's door. And Azazeal answers. Well now, this is awkward. He's calling himself Ian, Cassie is obviously a little freaked, but does her best to hide it. And also, does her best to hide the letter, she pretends she just wants to borrow a feather duster to get rid of a spider, which is fairly flimsy, but it was pretty short notice, so I'll let her off. Azazeal smugly offers to give her some help, which she quickly turns down, obviously. And runs away, looking rather unhappy.

Cassie's packing for the hospital visit, Thelma makes fun of her for taking so much for a "two night stay at a one star hotel with your butt sticking out". Rah rah banter, "just think, 48 hours, and it'll all be over. How good is that?" Yes, Thelma how good is that? Oh, it's rather horrible for you actually but your going to keep trying to pretend it isn't so as not to give Cassie added stress, even though it's all totally breaking your heart and you really aren't hiding it very well any more? OK. And then Cassie's going to make it even worse by talking about how it'll be great spending new year together, and what do you want to do, and here comes the crying once more. And Cassie notices this time, and tells her to stop this, "I'm the one who's supposed to be crying!" And so she does. And as if all that wasn't enough, they're playing Blur's "Sweet Song" in the background. It's a lot to take. Thelma suggests she talk about something else in the hope that it might repel the crying a little, which prompts Cassie to remember that she has a Christmas present to give to Thelma; a photo of the two of them from a year ago. OK, as far as plans to stop the tears go, that ranks slightly below spraying tear gas directly into her face. NICE GOING, CASSIE. They reminisce a little about the good old days, when they could hug as much as they liked, and Cassie was a carefree girl who didn't have to worry about carrying the actual literal spawn of Satan, and Thelma could walk into car doors without once passing through them. Ah, simpler times. But alas, those days are gone, and Cassie must be off to abort that Antichrist (that totally sounds like the name of some sort of weird gameshow, no? 'We've met today's contestants, so now it's time to Abort That Antichrist!' Come on.), leaving Thelma alone with her memories.

Hospital. Dr. Condescension's confused about the whole demonic rapid growth thing, but chalks it up to incompetence on his part. Cassie's concerned that this might cause a problem with the whole abortion plan, he assures her that she's still within the legal limit, though shows clear disapproval of said limit. Under the circumstances, he thinks they should operate sooner rather than later, which just so happens to put it slap bang in the middle of Christmas Day. But of course. Like we needed another layer on top of all the tragic that's going on. Dr. Condescension tells her the anaesthetic will put her to sleep until after the operation is done, which, duh, and then heads outside. Azazeal watches him from the rooftops, so you know there's some good times in store for the not-so-good doctor.

But before he gets on with that, Azazeal has to go about his usual creepy stalker business, so he's bringing Cassie flowers. Cassie, as usual, tells him to fuck off, he ignores this, and tells her she's hormonal from the pregnancy. "Don't patronise me," Cassie grits. Yeah, she's got a doctor to do that! She turns the subject around to his whole shacking up with Jenny, he claims he had no idea she was Cassie's teacher. He gets his usual creep on a while longer, but eventually relents to Cassie's request for him to leave her alone.

In the corridor, Thelma sees him leaving and comes in to check that Cassie's OK. Physically, she is, but she's most definitely losing it mentally, and she doesn't think she can go through with the abortion; however totally creepy and evil Azazeal is, it's not the baby's fault. Thelma points out that it is clearly not a normal baby, and Azazeal probably does not have good things planned for it. Cassie's all "You don't know that!", Thelma's like, 'actually, kinda do' and fills Cassie in on the whole Nephilim Release Clause, though she refrains from mentioning the part where she'll be actual proper dead, not just 'drinking with your buddies' dead, if the baby doesn't live. There's some more crying, of course, Thelma gets in an excellent line; "There are plenty of men out there with devilish qualities, you don't have to settle for the real thing", and manages to not lie, even when Cassie asks "Will you stay with me?", by telling her "I'll try." Doing good, Thelma.

Church. Priest recites that little known tale of Jesus' birth from the bible, and dude, that's not just any priest, it's GiDeon! Man. Among the rather few gathered paritioners is Dr. Condescension, which does not bode well. GiDeon concludes his recital by asking "what is it's relevance on this Christmas night?" On of the paritioners stands up and says he has some thoughts to offer, and oh shit, it's Azazeal. "For me it's the courage of Mary. Imagine the scandal, a young unmarried girl" -- GiDeon interjects here that Mary was not unmarried, Azazeal proves his superior Bible knowledge; she was betrothed to Joseph, but not yet married, how else would she be a virgin? -- "It was an illicit pregnancy, and everyone in Nazareth knew it." Dr. Condescension watches with interest. "Even long after his birth, the people taunted him. They questioned his parentage." GiDeon, seeming a little annoyed at being upstaged, snits "I don't recall that." "Oh, I do." Azazeal pointedly tells him. Hah! He backs it up with a Bible quote though, so he can seem like your every day crazy obsessive Christian fundamentalist. He moves on to his point here; "Imagine the looks she got. Imagine her plight, her confusion. A mother nowadays might consider abortion." Dr. Condescension has a 'woah' reaction shot. "Then there would be no Baby Jesus, no Christianity." Azazeal is truly a magnificent bastard. GiDeon smiles and rolls his eyes a little; "I take it you oppose abortion?" "It's an act of Herod," Azazeal replies, "The taking of another human life is a sin. And when does a human life begin? Does it begin at birth? Or does it begin at the end of the second trimester of pregnancy when the law says a baby is deemed viable?" The doctor looks majorly spooked. "No. It begins at the moment of conception, because that is the moment that the soul is born." I'm quoting Azazeal a lot more fully here than normal, I know, because a) his magnificent bastard manipulation skill is seriously impressive, and b) I'm extremely relieved that he didn't just stick a bloody maggot in Dr. Condescension's ear.

Hospital. Nurse comes in to do nursely things, and attempts to engage Cassie in small talk about how she's still not done wrapping presents and writing Christmas cards. "If it was just the two of us, I don't think I'd bother at all, but it's for the kids, isn't it?" She gets her irritaing baby voice on; "When you see their little faces!" Cassie just glares at her. She remembers who she's talking to, and there's just about the most awkward silence ever. Hee hee! The nurse quickly makes excuses and gets the fuck out of there.

Montage time! Sad, sad music plays. Cassie is being wheeled off for her operation, Thelma standing by, staying strong. Thelma sits alone by Cassie's empty bed, then slowly fades out as Cassie fades in to the bed. It's a simple effect, but it's pretty damn effective nonetheless. Blurry camera slowly comes into focus as Cassie wakes up, looks over at Thelma's empty chair. Cassie rather frantically calls for Thelma... and Thelma pulls back a curtain and smiles at her. Wha? Thelma has the same reaction. Cassie tells her "My stomach's not flat, but it's definitely empty". Thelma offers that this is "very strange", Cassie doesn't understand, "Isn't that what's supposed to happen?" and Thelma sits down and prepares herself for a Serious Talk. "Do you want the good news or the bad news?"

Music gets pretty intense and awesome, Azazeal tells Dr. Condescension he did a brave thing, "I have a feeling God isn't going to forget this", and the camera pans over to show Li'l Lucifer in an incubator, alive and well. Merry Christmas!