Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off

Sugar Rush Episode 1x02 - "The Lies We Tell"

Episode grade: B-

So, instead of the 'someone says "previously on [show name]", followed by scenes from previous episodes' that I'm used to, events of the pilot are handily recapped by our good friend KimVo. I'm not sure if I prefer this way or not. Anyway, previously: Kim is gay, Stella is a dirty, dirty whore, and is trying to be Kim's best friend so she won't tell Nathan. Credits.

Kim's at a spa, scrutinising her reflection and poking at a spot. KimVo tells us that kids get told a lot of shit. Examples; Nathan says "These are the best days of your life", Stella appears to have been interrupted whilst doing a line of coke and says "Of course we love you!". KimVo continues that when one gets older, one expects this to stop, but of course it doesn't. Example; woman at spa tells Kim "This won't hurt" before pulling one of them waxing strips off her legs, causing her to scream in agony.

Cut to Nathan in the living room, holding up colour strips and asking Stella to choose between aubergine and apple. That's a tough one. Stella opts for "Whatever you want, darling", because she doesn't give a shit. More KimVo: "We walk around pretending we're in a Disney movie, when really it's a gangster porn flick", over Dale and Stella doing it in the Fornikitchen, which is, I guess, shown for the benefit of viewers who weren't watching the pre-credit recap when they showed the exact same scene TWO MINUTES AGO.

The family's eating dinner together and, apropos of nothing, Matt (still wearing the goldfish bowl, by the way) asks "what's a rent boy?" Stella and Kim struggle to contain laughter. Nathan stammers for a second, then explains "They were a band. In the 80s." OK, if I ever have kids and they ask me that kind of question, I'm using that one.

Kim and Sugar by the sea. Kim is pissed off that Stella is getting away with, and with herself for going along with it. Sugar says "That's because you're such a good liar." Remember that "I want to have sex. With a man." in the pilot? Yeah, we haven't seen much evidence of that, Sugar.

Kim in her room, applying make up whatnot. Stella gets all in her personal space, says "You look nice. Going anywhere special?", then steals some perfume. Kim, unusually enough, looks miserable. Kim coldly asks if she wants something, Stella guiltitly paces around, pretending to be concerned about Kim for a while before getting to the real point: "Can I borrow your jeans?" It's starting to get a little heated when Nathan cheerily strolls in with more colour strips: "What do you think? The world is your oyster. ...Or green." This seems a salient time to tangentially mention that the other day, I was painting walls a colour called "Perfect Toast". True story.

Seaside, Sugar tells Kim "don't get sad, get even", and, because Kim for some reason doesn't know what that means, 'clarifies' this with some convoluted story about how she needs to get revenge on Daz and The Donkey, so she's going to shag Ray the doorman.

Back in her room, Kim applies this lesson by telling Nathan that Stella is borrowing clothes because she wants to take him bowling. Nathan is excited, and confused; "I though you hated bowling", he says to Stella. Stella smiles weakly. But, sadly, the bowling can't happen because it's Parent's Evening at Kim's school.

There's a half second flash of a sign, and thanks to the magic of the 'pause' button, I can tell you that Kim goes to 'Ravensdene High School' (though some wannabe-vandal has attempted to cross out the 'dene' and replace the 'n' with an 'r', they've done a pretty shitty job of it. The school's motto is 'Omnes Relinquite Spes, O Vos Intrantes', whatever that means, and the Head Teacher is one Alan Smithee. None of this is remotely important.
So, Stella and Nathan are at Kim's parents evening and her teacher... OK, I'm sure she's a very nice person, but by God, that voice. She's got some sort of northern accent (possibly as far north as Scotland, I appear to be not great with accents), it's kind of whiny and nasal, and, I don't know, there's weird pausing stuff happening. But at least she isn't Janet Street Porter. So, anyway, she tells "Mr. & Mrs. Daniels" (Hurrah, a surname!) that, before talking about academics, they should have "a general chat", and asks how they think Kim is settling in. What she's really asking is "You're terrible parents, aren't you?". Oh, hey, there's a sign behind her that says her name's Miss Forbes. Stella & Nathan don't think there's anything wrong, so Miss Forbes lies "I'm sure you know your daughter better than me."

This has all been interspersed with scenes of Kim and Sugar (mostly the latter) jokingly coming up with revenge plans like "we could put bleach in her lube" and "I could sleep with your dad", but it's angst time now. Kim wants to know why Stella is such a bitch. Sugar can't answer that one, and asks Kim if she thinks Sugar is a slag. Kim decides that love is more important than truth, so; "No. Of course not."

Home from Parent's Evening, Nathan is concerned about Kim, Stella is dismissive, somewhat repetitively (Nathan says 'strange' again), but Stella, eventually realising he's not just going to drop it, says she'll talk to Kim, and that Nathan should talk to Matt (remember him?) about the goldfish bowl thing.

Stella's solution; "There is this FANTASTIC new spa!" Kim is entirely cold to the idea, until Stella suggests bringing Sugar along too. Kim still bitches about it to Sugar for a while, but that's pretty much just for show.

So, spa it is. Which we saw a bit of right at the start, because this show hates linear storytelling. Sugar is getting a Brazillian ("Ray's gonna love me!"), Kim stares and drools. KimVo says "Oh, to be those paper pants", which is kind of disturbing, but Kim does a little eyebrow twitch thing which is barely noticable, but fucking awesome. The girls are then all getting massages, and Sugar again comments that Ray will love her; Stella tells her "it's not about men, it's about making yourself feel good." Sugar laughs and is skeptical. Kim frowns, and is miserable, AGAIN. This time because Sugar is getting on with Stella instead of hating her for being an evil bitch whore. KimVo: "I almost wished I was with Dad and Matt".

Your lame segue wish is our command. Nathan and Matt in wetsuits, running in from the sea, Nathan holding a surfboard. Nathan cheerily (duh) says "That was good fun, wasn't it?" Matt stares for a while, then deadpans "Dad, I'm from another planet." Nathan is confused (duh again).

Back to the spa, Stella and Sugar continue to drink champagne and carve "S+S BFF" into a tree. It does go on a bit, this scene. Anyway, eventually, Stella's "What Kim doesn't realise is once you've had two kids and been living with the same man for 15 years, the sex really isn't that great" sends Kim over the edge, and she goes storming out.

Despite the fact that, unlike Kim, she hasn't bothered to change back out of the bathrobe she's wearing, Stella struggles to catch up with Kim leaving the spa. And, being Stella, she doesn't understand why Kim is so upset. She's all friendlily "Why don't you come back in, hmm?" Kim gives her DEATH RAY GLARE. Stella rolls her eyes, gets annoyed and starts mocking Kim for "moping about the place, making everyone's life a misery". Stella, that chick who went for King Solomon's 'cut the baby in half' plan would make a better mother than you. "Nathan's worried sick" gets Kim to stop glaring; "Maybe that's your fault!" Good call. Stella tries to claim "It was a one off" and "I made a mistake", neither of which she actually believes, but Kim calls her on it, because she's awesome, and tells Stella to finish it. But Stella just can't stop digging herself deeper; "This is as much your dad's fault." Kim somehow resists the urge for violence at this and leaves.

Outside, Sugar is now catching up with Kim, but Kim's totally blanking her too. But, turns out, Sugar was being pally with Stella in order to steal her credit card, which brightens Kim up a little. Yeah, this'll end well. KimVo: "It was the perfect crime." That's about on a par with "At least it can't get any worse" for things you should never, ever say, ever. This will definitely end well.

So, montage of Kim and Sugar grabbing clothes off the racks in some generic shop, fucking Jet's fucking Are You Gonna Be My Girl dirtying up the usually excellent soundtrack. KimVo further jinxes them; "Nothing or no one could get in our way." Except... entering Stella's PIN. I cannot believe they didn't see that coming. OK, so this was filmed a couple of years ago, but even then, did anywhere at all ask for signatures? Sugar affects a posh accent and says "These new machines, I can never quite remember...", which is fooling no one, and honestly sort of hilarious. Shopgirl completely doesn't give a fuck and asks if they'd like to cancel the transaction. Sugar umms and umms, getting more and more high-pitched, but then Kim suddenly (for no apparent reason) remembers that Stella changed her PIN years ago to the date she shagged Simon Le Bon. Well, that was plausibale. and thus, the montage continues, and I have to hear more fucking Jet. This episode is losing a grade for that. Anyway, Kim gradually starts to look less and less into the plan, while Sugar continues doing whatever the fuck she likes, because that's who she is. Kim is starting to realise there's been some definite pedestalling going on in her head with Sugar (though sadly, this realisation won't last). And then there's some KimVo to explicitly point this out, because the people who make this show never heard of "show, don't tell".

Cut to a café with, like, a billion empty tables, and one occupied by Nathan and Matt. Matt is explaining to Nathan that he doesn't fit in, because he is from another planet. Nathan hems and haws and asks if he knows he was really born on Earth, and Matt hilariously replies "I just told you I wasn't", and then says that one day he'll have to return. Honestly, Matt is really not a very plausible character, but I love this scene, so right now I don't care. Seriously though, this story should have been in the pilot instead of TOM CAN STALK. SEE TOM STALK. STALK, TOM, STALK. and no story at all for Matt, and then Tom could have been gradually revealed as the weirdo stalker that he is. But what do I know, eh?

Quick cut to Sugar giving Kim some spot cream, and continuing to be completely ignorant of the concept of consequences.

And back to the café, Nathan eventually thinks of something; He's from another planet too! Matt's eyes light up at this. Yes, it's ridiculous, but it's also adorable.

And Kim's had enough and decides to head home, Sugar is all "What about clubbing? Ray the doorman's gonna get us free drinks!" Kim says "you don't need me for that." Sugar is oblivious to Kim's misery face, I guess because it's the norm, and asks if she can't leave Stella's card behind. KimVo gets all assertive; "That was it. There would be no more coverups.", and Kim tells Sugar to take her spot cream and shove it, and says "Ray would shag the homeless, which is a good thing because you look like a fucking tramp." Meeee-ow. Sugar is a little taken aback.

Kim comes home to find Stella at it again with Dale the decorator. Stella has the gall to claim she was telling Dale they had to end it, while still buttoning up her blouse, and then to admonish Kim for using bad language when she points out what bullshit that clearly is. You've got to admire that kind of dedication to being a total asshat. Sound of door shutting and Nathan calls out "We're home!", and the wacky hijinks music ensues its heart out as Dale hurriedly resumes decorating and Stella tidies herself up. Nathan does a dorky spacewalk into the room, wearing Matt's goldfish bowl. He senses tension in the air, and asks if everything's OK. Stella assures him it is, and he turns to Dale and says "Alright, mate?", which sets Kim into ranting about how stupid he is for not realising that Stella and Dale are having an affair. Dale gives him a hilarious embarrassed shrug. Except, that didn't actually happen. Punk'd! Back to Matt and Nathan's entrance, things proceed as they did the first time until Nathan's "Alright, mate?" at which point Kim says "Mum was just trying on the clothes we bought, we had a really girly day together", and throws Stella a skirt.

Kim's room. Kim is crying. Stella tells her "That was brave, what you did", which, fuck off. Kim tells her she doesn't want her and Nathan to split up, Stella promises they won't, and is almost getting it right for a second, but has to screw it up by adding "as long as you don't say anything" and "let's dry those eyes, we don't want your dad to see you like this." Kim once again tells her to fuck off.

ForniKitchen. Matt is orbitting an apple round an orange, and tells Kim "One day I'm going to visit the moon. You can't come." Kim: "I hope your spaceship explodes." It's cute. Matt: "I hope your pubes turn ginger." Not so cute. Stella enters, uncomfortably wearing a turtleneck to perpetuate Kim's "we went shopping together" story. Nathan tells her she looks great. Kim is totally relishing this and tells him she chose it, saying "I thought it was less tarty than the stuff she usually wears." Stella looks like she's swallowed a bug. Nathan enthuses "It has been a really great day!" They can have back the grade I took off for Jet earlier, because this scene was great.

Reaching the end now, so time for a KimVo summary; "Maybe I should have told the truth, told Nathan that he was with the wrong woman, that she was bound to break his heart. But you can't help who you love." Sugar hands Kim her coat and proceeds making out with Ray the doorman, pausing to sarcastically ask Kim, who is staring, "Do you want to watch?" Kim gives and equally sarcastic "Uh, NO." and turns away until Sugar's attention is focused elsewhere, then turns back, because nobody ever tells the truth, ever.

Blood Sex Sugar Magic

Sugar Rush Episode 1x01 - "Pilot" (well, actually, this show doesn't have official titles for each episode. For some reason we don't seem to be so big on that on this side of the pond, so I'll be making them up myself. Why not?)

Episode grade: B

((There would be an lj-cut here if I was on lj. You probably can do this on Blogger too, but right now I don't know how, I'll figure something out later.))

So, none of that 'teaser' nonsense, just straight in with the opening credits. Which are very pastel-y. And Blondie-y.

And, opening scene; it's the British Tatu (they have the right hair colours and everything!), making out on a waltzer. But, alas, it was only a fantasy. Back to reality; here's Kim, our main character, lying in bed. She voiceovers (which she'll be doing a whole lot) the first line in the show, which is pretty much a statement of intent; "It's the 21st Century - a 15 year old using a toothbrush to masturbate over her best friend shouldn't be that big a deal." Olivia Hallinan is completely believable as a 15 year old throughout, too, by the way. Anyway, she's interrupted in her bad dental practices by her father, Nathan, entering to bring an unspecified hot drink (but they're British, so let's assume it's tea), humourously misdirect by telling Kim "you'll go blind" and DRAMATICALLY PAUSING before turning on a lamp, and give a sweet smile as he leaves. Which all serves to inform us that he's somewhat clueless, but genuinely trying to be a good father. I mean, there's more stuff later to better establish that, but there is a lot to get through in 20 minutes, so they do a fair bit of character establishment by shorthand. Most of them work pretty well. Also, posters in the background tell us that Kim likes Radiohead and Placebo, but is not such a fan of war. These things are vitally important, of course.

Brighton-tage! Kim helpfully voiceovers us into a flashback with some exposition; the family moved to Brighton a week ago to, according to Nathan, "escape the filth and excesses of London and spend more time together as a family". And here's the rest of said family; mother Stella, who is applying makeup in the wing mirror and totally swears in front of her children, sure signs of a bad mother, and younger son Matt (I really can't figure out how old he's supposed to be, so we'll just go with 'pre-pubescant' until further notice), who wears an astronaut costume including a large goldfish bowl over his head, because he is Odd. Hooray for run-on sentences.

Kim voiceovers us some more Instant Character Establishment; Nathan is "half man, half pinny". Stella tells her kids to call her that because she doesn't like to be reminded of her parental duties. Matt is a freak. Their neighbours, Dave and David are gay and indistinguishable from each other. That'll be rife with wacky comedic opportunities, I'm sure. Nathan incomptently tries to put up a door, Stella eyerolls that they'll be getting a professional in to do it.

Cut to Kim at a bar, drooling over the other girl from the waltzer at the beginning, who is officially introduced now as, of course, Sugar. Her real name's Maria Sweet, but I will totally forget that by the end of this episode. Anyway, Sugar will, apparently, "do anything, say anything, have anything... with a dick." Because Sugar is not gay and Kim does not want to be.

Another flashback, this time to Kim and Sugar's first meeting; Sugar shoplifts a bunch of stuff and dumps it in Kim's bag while a security guard gives an apathetic "Hey" and eventually decides that since Kim hasn't moved, it probably wouldn't be too much effort to drag her into the shop to return the stolen goods. Premise now established, voiceover Kim can finally shut up for five minutes.

Kim and Sugar hanging out by the sea. Further humourous misdirection, Sugar tells Kim that if they're going to hang out, she should "make it less obvious. DRAMATIC PAUSE. You're such a fucking virgin!" before unbuttoning her shirt a little. Five minutes was overestimating a lot; we're back to the voiceover already. Kim is indeed a virgin so how, she ponders, does she know she's gay? Answers on a postcard, please.

Kim walks down the street past a group of neanderthals and shares a hilariously intellectual conversation with one of them, which I'll transcribe:

Kim: "Hi!"
Thug: "Nice tits."
Kim: "DIE."
Thug "Dyke!"

That's a completely accurate picture of the youth of today, I can tell you.

And now we're in a school bathroom. I know it's called Sugar Rush and all, but guys, you're allowed to have scenes that last more than five seconds. Sugar is changing out of her school uniform, Kim is drooling. Again. Kim tells Sugar that she wants to have sex, then hastily adds "with a man", in case Sugar got the right end of the stick. Kim voicovers about how difficult it is to find a man that doesn't repulse her, which segues us into a meeting with the handyman, Dale, who is shirtlessly tooling around. Kim (and Stella, and one of the Gay Daves) appear to need a change of knickers at the sight of him. Kim heads upstairs to call Sugar and tell her she's found a target for sexcapades, and Sugar invites her over to her place to give her some pointers.

Sugar's room. "Paradise", according to Kim, which, fine. There's pink shit strewn about everywhere. Sugar wants Kim to get nekkid. Because she needs to change, "unless [Dale] is the schoolgirl type, in which case you want to steer well clear". Kim wants Sugar to get nekkid. But doesn't verbally express this desire. Second rule of Fight Club; "You need to get wasted." So, there's some drinking, smoking, and dancing, and Sugar tells Kim to try her moves on her. (first her = Kim. second = Sugar. Damn pronouns). Kim is all 'i couldn't possibly comprehend such a suggestion', and apparently being drunk makes her better at hiding her attraction. Which is odd. Oh wait, there it goes. Sugar remains oblivious.

After leaving Paradise and being totally unable to not fall over wearing heels, Kim is starting to think the idea of seducing Dale is not such a great one. This doubt is not alleviated when she comes home to find Dale hammering at Stella's back door. And... Commercials. Adverts. Or, y'know, there would be if I was actually watching this on TV, anyway.

Back from that break (I may have had no commercials, but I did take a break from writing. Not that you care, I'm sure.), Kim's running down the street away from Stella, but given the heels she's still wearing, she's not making a great job of it. So, Stella catches up, and Kim is all crying and asking "how could you?" and Olivia Hallinan does a damn fine job of carrying this show, really. And Stella just shrugs and says "nobody's perfect", because she is shit. Kim runs again, and this time gets away despite heels, on account of Stella just stands there.

Scullery of Adultery. Nathan is humourously misdirecting again. "I hate to say it DRAMATIC PAUSE but he's done a good job." Kim looks miserable, and Stella has the grace to at least look a little guilty. Then Nathan says innuendo after innuendo, and it's all rather ridiculous. "He got into all the nooks and crannies."? The guy put up a door. NOBODY WOULD SAY THAT. Kim agrees with me, and flees upstairs. Nathan is concerned, Stella is concerned that his concern will make Kim talk concerning Stella's extra-curricular activites. Yes that last one was a stretch. Matt is unable to eat his toad in the hole, because he's still wearing the goldfish bowl.

Halfway up the stairs, Kim is about to call Sugar when the doorbell rings. "Unfortunately," Kim tells us, "it was Tom." So remember the introducing characters by shorthand thing earlier, when I said most of them work pretty well? Yeah, this is why the 'most of them' is there. Tom is the son of the Gay Daves, and apparently, Kim's "brand new stalker". See, my problem with this is that, unlike Kim's family and Sugar, there's really no need to make his role immediately clear, and it would make for much more interesting viewing if they'd gradually made it clear over a few episodes instead of telling us straight off, he's a stalker, and then using him as a repetitive butt-monkey. Anyway, Tom asks Kim if it's a bad time.

Inexplicably, Tom is now in Kim's bedroom. Morrissey is playing. Kim looks miserable, again, because she's 15. And also, she saw her mum shagging the decorator. Tom tells her her Che Guevarra poster is cool. And then babbles and stutters and babbles and does some weird breathing shit because he's so totally uncool and weird, and doesn't Kim's life suck having this guy stalking her and somehow forcing her to invite him into her room? Man. Eventually he shuts up, and kisees Kim who continues to be completely unresponsive to anything. Kim, this is probably about the time you should give up on "maybe if I ignore him, he'll go away." Tom shouts "I'm not queer!" and runs to the bathroom, tripping over stuff on the way. See, he has gay dads, so he's insecure about his sexuality. That's as much character development as he needs for 8 episodes, right? He does some more butt-monkey crap in there, but I can't be bothered with it.

Kim just leaves him to it, and heads out to get a Sugar fix. Sugar is not a great shoulder to cry on, Her advice to Kim: "look on the bright side; at least your mum's got good taste, you said he was fit." But, on the bright side, breasts. Then Sugar has a better idea to cheer Kim up; donkey riding. She takes Kim over to a couple of generic chavs. One is Daz; Sugar's boyfriend and "the worst DJ in Brighton. Which, when you consider how many DJs there are in this town is something of an achievement." The other is The Donkey. KimVo (Kim Voiceover, obviously): "Ok, so... he could have had a funny laugh." Quite. Sugar and Daz make out some.

Back at home, Nathan is still worried about Kim, which he expresses by using the word 'strange' far too much. Also, "she's always loved toad in the hole." For some reason the 'toad in the hole' joke is way funnier this time. Actually, I think the innuendo of it still isn't funny, it's just the ridiculousness of that as proof that something's wrong. Stella is dismissive, because Kim's a teenager, so this kind of thing is to be expected. It's a fair point.

KimVo is feeling chatty again. The Donkey is not doing a great job of distracting her from the pain of her mother's adultery, and now also the pain of having to watch Sugar making out with a tool. He is, apparently, not a great conversationalist. "Evidently the blood destined for his brain had been diverted to greedier organs." Bwah! He goes to get Kim a drink, and Sugar and Daz spread out to occupy his vacated seat. Kim looks miserable for a while (she does that a lot, I know, but somehow it never gets boring), then goes to the bathroom to cry a little to a Sugary montage. A few seconds that are somehow actually half an hour later, Sugar has realised something's wrong, comes to find her and climbs into the stall. Kim asks if she shouldn't be with Daz, but "he talks too much". They share some vodka in silence for a while, then Sugar casually says "my dad used to shag around" and something that for the life of me I can't understand, then gets out a pen and draws the outline of one of hers and one of Kim's feet on the wall, and it's a really sweet moment and now Kim's infatuation is actually somewhat understandable. She rests her head on Kim's shoulder, Kim leans in for a kiss, but of course that won't actually happen in the first episode. Sugar tells her, re: losing virginity, "if it's any consolation, I've always been too pissed to remember."

Kim gets a taxi home. Nathan is wearing an apron and doing ironing. Matt is asleep, still wearing his goldfish bowl. Stella is on the phone and giggling. Kim goes to her room. Nathan brings her dinner. He doesn't know what to say but it doesn't matter. They hug. It continues to be sweet. Nathan then does have something to say; "There's not toad, it's just hole. I thought you might be off the meat." OK, this time, it is the innuendo that's funny. And that's all.