A Nap 'n' Heartsick Jacks

Haha, I really should just stop saying anything about my update schedule. Also, One Big Eyeball tomorrow to cover two weeks, because why the hell not?


Torchwood Episode 1x12 - "Captain Jack Harkness"

Episode Grade: A-


Again, the opening has a tiny snippet of previouslies to remind us that Diane left Owen, and there was angst, and he was a little bit eaten by a Weevil while out on a nihilistic self-destructive emo rampage. Why this is more important to know than anything else that has happened previously, I couldn't possibly say.

Hey, I actually haven't seen this part yet, ever, because the first time I watched the episode, I turned the TV on a little late and missed the first few minutes. I'd forgotten that. I'm sure that will create a totally fascinating altered slant on my recap, dude. OK. The Symmetric Hyena pulls up outside some kinda theatre or something, and Jack and Tosh get out. Tosh is dressed up all smart, because it's her grandfather's 88th birthday, as she explains to Jack once she finishes a phone conversation in Japanese. So, apparently, for the duration of her turning up to work, learning about this assignment and getting in the Hub and being driven here by Jack, Tosh has been on the phone, hence why she has not already explained this to Jack. Or maybe she actually got changed in the Hyena on the way here, as a result of something said in the phone conversation. I don't know. I am pretty much making an absurdly mountainous molehill out of this harmless bit of exposition, I know. So, Tosh adds a little more info about her Japanese heratige, which becomes a lot more important to her character in these last two episodes than the not at all it has previously been. I mean, there was the implication that her parents would not approve of her lesbianic dalliances in "Greeks Bearing Gifts", but otherwise, we've heard nothing of it. But then, other than that episode, we've not learned very much about Tosh in general, so that works for me. "OK, down to business", Jack says, and there's a sudden weird whoosh-zoom for some reason and they enter the theatre, which is in fact a dance hall, apparently. So, business here is, as Tosh exposits, the place has been abandoned for years, but people keep hearing 40s music coming from the building. Hey, just like the music that we're hearing right now! They follow the sound, which dissipates with a quickness, and Jack waxes nostalgic about life back in the day, unsurprisingly, and starts dancing with Tosh, telling her about how "the girls would look into their partners' eyes, smile softly and say..." He gives Tosh a twirl, and she completes his thought with "Jack, mind my laptop!" Jack tells her he was thinking more along to lines of "And how long before you head off for war?" Tosh has no time for his idle banter and just gets on with waving her Geiger meter or whatever, and suddenly the music kicks back up again, coming from back where they came from. Jack and Tosh follow it, again, and hey, there's some "Bad Wolf" graffiti on the wall behind them. Cute.

Turns out Jack and Tosh aren't just hearing the music, they can now see the dance hall exactly as it would have been back in the 40s. Tosh marvels at how real it all looks, Jack's wristwatch tells him that all the people dancing around them are not ghosts, "It's a simple temporal shift. Hahaha, and it's BEAUTIFUL!" Tosh worriedly tells him they should get out, quickly, which Jack acquiesces to, although he obviously doesn't want to. On the way out, someone tells them "Do call again", and it is the creepiest old guy ever to have creeped, like you would not believe. He's like The Gentlemen, or Scorpius, but without all the alien makeup, and oh god the eyes, and this is not even mentioning the voice, which is exactly the voice of The Butler, as in "The Butler did it!". You know what I mean. Dude is creepy, is my point. And, in case you were wondering, I'm not getting this riled up over a bit part, this guy is a major character, which you can tell right here from the way the camera lingers on him scowling after Jack and Tosh as they exit.

Outside, it's still the 40s, and Tosh freaks a little and is all "Where's the [Symmetric Hyena]? Has it been stolen?" because being stuck sixty years ago is a fairly daunting prospect that one would not handle with immediate grace and aplomb, and denial would probably be the initial reaction, yes. Unless, of course, one is one Cpt. Jack Harkness, because 'been there, done that', and besides, he has been stuck in the past for the entire duration of this series anyway. So, Jack just gets this Oz-like "Huh." look and informs Tosh that the Hyena hasn't been stolen, "We have," which is a credits segue if ever I have heard one.

Yep! Credits. This episode is the one all the TWoPpers squeed all over, like, even moreso than "They Keep Killing Suzie", but I already got all that out of the way with the other time travel one, so I won't be quite so full of hyperbolic love, although I certainly did not hate this one. I've been really wavering on my grading for it, mostly because I gave "Ghost Machine" an A- when it clearly deserved a B+ and I'm pretty sure I like this one quite a lot better. Now, I could go back and edit the post and pretend that I gave "Ghost Machine" a B+ all along, and it's not like I've never edited out mistakes in old posts before, but I JUST DON'T KNOW IF MY CONSCIENCE COULD HANDLE IT. Whatever, the grades reflect my approximate opinion of the episode at the time of writing and future events in the series might completely warp those opinions, and clearly I overthink these gradings far, far too much (though this is not actually the cause of my massive delays. Honestly.) Both this one and "Out Of Time" were written by Cath Tregenna, and I think we can all agree that if she took over Chibnall's job, the world would be a much better place full of unicorns ejaculating rainbows and so on and so forth. Let's go!

In the Hub, Owen, who's sleeping on the couch there, for some reason, is woken by an alarm. Ianto informs him that the source of the alarm is Tosh's magical Riftmouth monitoring program, which is picking up some Funky Shit going down, like, say, two members of the Torchwood crew being pulled back in time a few decades, and Ianto notes that it's been picking up more and more Funky Shit lately. Owen's pissed off, because he's out of the loop, and also probably because he's just been woken up, and also probably because that is a pretty normal state for him anyway. Ianto points out that maybe if he wasn't so busy going on self-destructive emo rampages all the time, he'd be more in the loop. Ianto tries to call Tosh, since she'd have a much better understanding of her program, but while the Torchwood phones may be able to get perfect signal underground, even they can't make a call to sixty years in the past. Meanwhile (well, not, but you know...), back in the 40s, Tosh is discovering the same thing, and Jack suggests they get back into the dancehall, since that's where they were when they crossed over. Meanmeanwhile-ish, Ianto sends Gwen over to the dancehall to look for Jack and Tosh.

Dancehall, 1941. Tosh is worrying that they might be stuck here, Jack not particularly convincingly assures her that they'll find a way back, and tries to keep the mood light by joking that, on the bright side, Tosh has "a hell of an excuse not to go to [her] party". This does little to calm Tosh, whose freakout is starting to draw stares. Jack pulls off his Bluetooth headset and tells Tosh they need to try to look like they fit in, and it's pretty lucky that Tosh was supposed to have that party, because her clothes are far less anachronistic than they'd usually be. Tosh points out that this will be easier said than done for her when every other person in the building is white. Jack tells her "Don't worry, you're with the captain," and leads her into the main hall.

Hub, 2008. Owen takes a look through the readouts from the Riftmouth monitor and has a little angst when he's looking at the readout from the day Diane & co. got pulled through it. Apparently the equation for unexpected time travel is "sin ax dx - 1/4 - (sin[2b])/16 x 1/4 = x". Now, I don't expect them to work out the actual equations for time travel, but come on. If you can't come up with more than a couple of sine waves, it'd probably be best for all concerned if you avoided showing it. OK, so the brief view of it on the screen right here, you could probably get away with, since only obsessive compulsive nerds who are pausing to check every detail (hello!) would notice, but when it becomes a fairly major plot point of the episode, you really ought to at least come up with some convincingly complex nonsense. Anyway. Ianto more states than asks "You were in love with [Diane], weren't you", and Owen pointedly ignores that more statement than question, but then does say that if Tosh has figured out a way to open the Riftmouth, he might be able to get her back. Ianto objects; "Jack would never allow it, opening the Rift could devastate the city!" Owen sneers a little at this and carries on with whatever the hell it is he was doing.

Dancehall, 1941. While Jack's buying them drinks, some dude comes up to flirt with Tosh, which is fortuitous timing, since Jack discovers he doesn't actually have any usuable money, and this guy offers to pay for the drinks, "on one condition", which he shows, not tells; a dance with Tosh. Jack's entertained by it all until he overhears a woman, disgusted, demanding to know "Why's George dancing with a Jap?" and it occurs to him that maybe Tosh's fears were pretty well founded.

"Meanwhile", in 2008, Gwen's discovered the Hyena, and figures that Jack and Tosh have to be around somewhere. She goes inside and calls out for them, and then starts to hear the music...

...And back in 1941, Jack seems to hear someone calling his name. He goes over to try to cut into George and Tosh's dance, and George gets all up in his face and agressively tells Jack that he's "only borrowing her", and, I mean, in the guy's defense, he did just buy Jack's drinks for him. Jack cheerfully suggests that George "could always dance with me, if [he'd] like", and George gives him a good shove. Jack shoves him right back and says "OK, I'll lead, you follow", which, particularly considering his background, is showing an alarmingly poor grasp of the concept of time, and also, way to not draw attention to yourself there, champ. Tosh insistently attempts to remind Jack that "we're supposed to be bleding in!" which is just not going to sound good to random passersby who are already exceedingly suspicious of her. Jack pretty much ignores her, but in his defense, George did just sock him one in the face. Things are about to get ugly, but it's prevented when a charming American captain steps in and orders George to stand down, apologising to Jack because the men always get a little heated on the last night before OTU. He demands an apology from George, too, and when George sulks "I was only dancing", the Captain tells him that "I think it was your fist in his face that he didn't like, not your foxtrot." Jack smiles appreciatively at that, and George grits out an childish insincere "s'ry", and then another to Tosh, on the Captain's demand. A couple of George's pals lead him away to get drinks, and the Captain follows Jack and Tosh to introduce himself; he and Jack both start to say "I'm Captain..." at the same time, and Jack tells the other to go first; "I'm Captain Jack Harkness, 133rd squadron", is what he says. Man, it would've been awkward if the other Jack had said "You go first". Moreso than it is anyway, I mean. Also, even though he goes by a (different) fake name for the rest of the episode, I'm going to keep referring to our angsty Torchwood Jack as Jack, and the new, actual Captain Jack Harkness can just be The Captain, in a hopeless attempt to stop this all from getting horribly confusing. They've done this deliberately to make things hard for me, I'm sure of it. There's all kinds of weird zooms all over the place and the creepy old guy tells the Jacks and Tosh to please look towards him as he holds up an old-fashioned camera and shoots. I say 'old-fashioned', but apparently this camera is actually from a few years after this part of this episode is supposed to be set. That's a clue rather than a fuckup on the part of the props department, though.

Hub, 2008. Owen and Ianto are researching the Dancehall, Owen discovers that it opened in 1932, closed in 1989 and is due to be demolished in a week. Ianto's discovered something rather more interesting; the photo we just saw taken.

...And back in 1941, the camera flashes. The creepy old guy hands his camera to someone else and joins the group, saying he insists on one more, for the record. Jack tries to take this interruption as the perfect chance to duck out of talking to The Captain, but he's too wily for that, and Jack's forced to introduce himself, which he does as "Captain James Harper, 71st". The Captain offers to buy Jack a drink, but he wants to get the hell away from there as fast as possible and tells The Captain that he and Tosh are kind of busy right now.

Out in the corridor, Tosh naturally wants to know why the hell that guy has Jack's name, Jack says nothing and Tosh yells at him that she's "lost enough without [Jack] holding back on [her]." Jack softens at this and admits that Jack Harkness is not his real name, and he took it from The Captain, adding "I didn't realise he was so hot!", so I guess the question of Jack's sexuality is not such a mystery among the rest of the crew any more? Tosh chides him for being so frivolous when she's still totally freaking out, he tells her "I know too much" and "Trust me, you don't want to know" and all the usual nonsense that really would not fly with me at this point. Jack asks what Tosh has that might be useful on her laptop, which she's been carrying around in its bag this whole time, Tosh tells him she has half of the magic Rift equations, but the other half are back at the base.

And the camera swings around to face the other way down the corridor, and we're back in 2008 with Gwen, which is a nice little effect. Gwen radios to Owen and Ianto that she heard music earlier and decides that maybe if she can hear 1941, maybe 1941 can hear her and calls out Tosh and Jack's names. In 1941, Tosh does hear her, but is not at all convinced that she is not just going crazy.

At the Hub, Owen is discovering that they only have half of the magical cheat codes for the Riftmouth, Ianto realises that the other half must be on Tosh's laptop "which she never goes anywhere without", apparently, even though I can't remember ever seeing her carrying it before this episode. And really, why would she keep half of the cheat codes on her laptop and half of them on the Hub computers, and not all the cheat codes on both? They're supposed to have totally state of the art hardware, I think they should have enough hard drive space to handle a few lines of text. Which means the central conflict of the episode doesn't even begin to make any logical sense, and I can certainly get past that and enjoy it well enough if there's emotional resonance, which there is here, but it really wouldn't have taken much thought to come up with something slightly better than this for Tosh to have to Day Of The Tentacle through time to get them back to the future.

Anyway. In 1941, Jack and Tosh duck into a deserted office, and Tosh's laptop actually says out loud "Your battery is low." Tosh scribbles down the cheat codes onto paper as fast as she can, which is hindered by the fact that her screen has a large "WARNING BATTERY LOW" message flashing on and off in front of them. Jack takes a look around the office, which belongs to one "Bilis Manger", who is the creepy old guy with the camera, and with a name that weird, you know the first thing I'm going to do is check for anagrams. 'Grim Lesbian' wins, no contest. Tosh starts to technobabble incessantly about what she needs to do with the cheat codes, even though what she needs to do is stick them in a box for Gwen to find in the future and nothing more, but she's interrupted by the Smiling Bear himself appearing in the doorway and politely inquiring of Jack and Tosh who they are and what exactly they're doing in his office. Jack almost forgets that he's not Jack Harkness here and makes it pretty obvious they're being totally shifty, but Tosh is too busy wigging about the camera, because she's just realised it's anachronistic too. When she asks about this, Bilis accusingly points out her laptop and asks where he got it. Tosh tells him London, Bilis stares at the clock and says "They're coming for us" and generally acts as creepy as possible until Jack and Tosh leave, at which point he gets a folder labelled "Torchwood" out of his desk drawer.

In 2008, Gwen radios to the Hub to say that she can't find anything much in the dance hall, and most of the doors are locked, and suddenly Bilis is creepily standing behind her and asks if he can help, introducing himself as "the caretaker". Gwen thanks him and asks if he could kindly unlock the place for her, "I think some of my friends got locked in." And she doesn't have any crystals to buy them out! Man, I love it when that happens. Enjoy your five seconds in the dome, bitches! But I digress.

Tosh is worried about Pearl Harbour, Jack points out that it hasn't happened yet, but Tosh clarifies that she's worried what will happen if they get stuck here, and it does happen. Jack sincerely promises that he'll keep her safe, and it's a nice tender moment, which really, we need more of between the crew. I know they're all emotionally crippled fuckups and all, but everything would work so much better if, underneath it all, there was some kind of team spirit binding them together, or at least some indication of why anyone would actually want to do this job even though it invariably turns you into the kind of person who will slip amnesia pills into someone's drink and think nothing of it. Tosh wants to know what is the deal with the fact that Jack has very obviously been to 1941 before, Jack doesn't really explain anything, as per usual. Well, OK, he does explain that it was convenient for him to take The Captain's name since the dude is gonna die tomorrow. Tosh interrupts George and The Captain and the rest of the boys in their drinking and storytelling to ask which one of them is the best navigator, Geroge singles out a Tim, whom Tosh takes to one side to discuss navigation, I suppose, while Jack joins the drinking.

In 2008, Bilis asks Gwen what her friends were doing in the dance hall in the first place, Gwen claims it was a silly dare, "Someone said it was haunted", which is pretty well in keeping with her traditional twelve year old mindset. Bilis says she looks worried, and says he'll go make her some tea, which, as we know, is the stuff for world-saving, alright.

In 1941, Tim shyly talks navigation/flirts with Tosh, while the boys want to hear some war stories from Jack. He continues his tradition of never giving a straight answer to anything and just says "let's just say the enemy comes in many guises." George gives The Captain a little hero worship, The Captain responds with all 'I don't like to brag' false modesty. The Captain goes to buy another round of drinks, and a blonde woman approaches and apologises for interrupting his "night with the men". The Captain tells her it's OK, and looks uncomfortable enough, and with enough glances towards Jack, that even my extremely rudimentary gaydar is picking up a signal.

2008. Bilis leads Gwen into his office and sinisterly (well, that goes without saying, but I mean even more than usual) asks Gwen if anyone is expecting her, and suggests she give them a call before they worry that she's lost too. Bilis goes out to put the kettle on, and Gwen radios to Ianto that she hasn't found anything, but since Bilis hasn't bothered giving different names to anyone, their conversation quickly moves to suspicion of him. Owen runs over and tells Gwen to stay with Bilis and wait for backup, Ianto counters that she should get the hell out of there, and they have a little heated argument about that. Gwen turns off her headset and backs slowly out of the office.

1941. The "Why is George dancing with a Jap?" chick from earlier (Audrey, apparently) gets all up in Tosh's face and accuses her of being a spy, some well-meaning guy in the back counters that she can't be, "The Chinese are on our side!" Heh. Tosh helpfully, if not all that sensibly, clarifies that she's Japanese, actually. Audrey wants to know what Tosh has in her laptop bag and starts getting grabby, things are once again about to get really damn ugly, but Jack finally comes up with a save; Yeah, Tosh is totally a spy, but she is spying for us, and the shit in the bag is TOP SECRET, OK. Fair enough. The Captain proposes a toast to Tosh for all the good work she's doing, Tosh, rather desperate to get away from people, tells Jack she needs to get hold of Bilis' camera to get a photograph of the Riftmouth cheat codes to the boys in the future Hub and they depart to do that. Except The Captain isn't letting Jack out of his sights that easily, so Tosh goes on alone. Jack and The Captain start in on some small talk, and The Captain's blonde hanger-on appears out of nowhere to do some cock-blocking.

Tosh enters Bilis' office again and takes a picture of her cheat codes, and Bilis creeps in behind her and sends chills up every spine in a ten mile radius saying "Starting to be a habit". Tosh quickly hides her photograph and tries to pretend she was just fascinated by his amazing camera and had to try it for herself, Bilis gives a knowing laugh and says "This little beauty is not unusual and rare," *cue stare DIRECTLY INTO TOSH'S SOUL* "not unlike yourself." Yeeeeesh. You know what; whatever else you do, bring back Bilis for season 2. Having an actual recurring villain would do a lot to tie the episodes together, and Bilis is awesome. This is my number one request for Season 2. I may have had other number one requests for Season 2 at other times, but right now that stare is boring a hole into my brain and I must obey. Everybody loves Hypnotoad. Tosh, in her rapid hurry to get away, is going to forget her original copy of the cheat codes until Bilis calls her back and hands them too her, saying "I can think of much better things to photograph than numbers".

2008, Hub. Owen's decided that ripping random shit out of the floor is the best way to get Diane back. Something about a "Rift[mouth, DAMMIT people] Manipulator". Is that the skateboard thing from "Boom Town"? I don't think Jack should have that. Not in a "can't be trusted" way, I just mean I'm pretty sure there's no way he'd be physically able to be in possession of it following the events of that (and maybe other?) episode(s), although it's been a while since I've seen them, and I'm not even sure if that's what we're talking about anyway. Ianto thinks that would be too dangerous even if they had all the cheat codes. n00b.

At the dancehall, Gwen hears disconcerting clown laughter behind her, and calls out for Jack, but he (or anyone else) are nowhere to be seen. Well, anyone else except a couple of 40s extras doing a waltz or two-step foxtrot or whatever behind her, but Gwen fails to spot them either.

Back at the Hub, Ianto continues trying to persuade Owen it's too risky, and points out the pretty blatant fact that he is doing this to get Diane back, not help his teammates, and, newsflash; Diane chose to leave you, loser. Owen retorts that this is unlike Lisa who stuck around to try to kill them all, which has no actual relevance to the argument at hand, but it's not like he has anything rational to draw from. Ianto gives up on trying to talk sense into him, Owen gives up on fiddling with wires because the Manipulator is not working. Ianto has a moment of hope here, but no, Owen's noticed a piece missing, and he's going to go look for it. Ianto suggests that maybe he should go home instead, Owen sneers "You don't have any power over me!" at him but then relents and agrees to play it his way, "safe and boring."

'41. The Captain asks Jack what his next missions is, Jack finds a valid excuse to not answer a question, glancing at Blonde Hanger-On and saying "Careless talk costs lives", and BHO assumes this is a hint that she is not wanted. Jack half-heartedly attempts to get her to stay, and The Captain gets up to awkwardly see her off. And clearly Jack is even more not himself than we all thought, because despite the big flashing pink triangular neon signs above The Captain's head, and urges him to go after BHO, because "anything could happen tomorrow." The Captain scoffs at this, it's just a routine training excersize, Jack tells him that that's when they get you, "when you least expect it. But not when I least expect it, because I'm from the future, and I know that YOU ARE GOING TO DIE TOMORROW. So go have some sex first." That may have been mostly paraphrasing. The Captain heeds Jack's urging, downs his whisky to help him cope with the thought of kissing a girl, and goes to give BHO a proper goodbye. She holds him close and whispers "I love you", and he stares in horror and goes to snarl at Jack that "That just made it twenty times worse. Now she thinks she's in love with me." And Jack is still not getting it!

Jack follows The Captain down into a more secluded part of the building, so I guess his subconscious is still firing on all cylinders, and tells The Captain that it's not his fault that BHO fell for him, even though it pretty much is. The Captain starts yelling at him that he can't go telling his men about the real horrors of war, in order for Jack to get some more retroactive emo from back before we ever met him. He watched his best friend get tortured and killed! And it was all his fault because he persuaded his friend to join up in the first place! I'm thinking it's not going to be very long at all before the various hints of Jack's past life we have been given so far become completely irreconcilable into one story, which you'd think would be pretty easy to avoid when time travel is involved, but man...

Outside, Tosh is looking for somewhere to stash her photograph so that it can be found sixty years down the line by the rest of the team. And apparently, as well as her laptop, Tosh always keeps a supply of shrinkwrap with her. I... guess you never know when that will come in handy? Hmm.

At the Hub, Ianto's monitoring CCTV around the dancehall and finding no sign of Bilis leaving the place, Owen puts his jacket on and tells Ianto he's going to go check out Bilis's office, because clearly the dude knows something about the Riftmouth.

Outside the dancehall, Gwen ponders aloud what Jack and Tosh would do to try to help them, and then follows Bilis to a rsuted up old cupboard with the padlock on the floor, and there's some weird jump cutting, and I don't really know what is going on, but she finds Tosh's photograph, anyway. I think Bilis lead her to it? I don't know. Anyway, Ianto tells her they still don't have enough cheat codes, and we jump back to the past to see why; Tosh missed s200ome from the top of the sheet in her hurried photographing. We watch her sturring what she did manage to get into the cupboard, which is not so rusty back then, obviously, and then an air raid siren goes off! And all the doors are locked and she can't get back inside and a bomb falls right there! Did Tosh just die sixty years ago? Shit!

Oh, wait, no, I guess she got inside after all. That was an odd fake-out. Everybody in the dancehall is pancking and running around, Bilis and The Captain attempt to maintain order and get everybody down to the bomb shelter while Jack runs around in search of Tosh and quite unnecessarily tells her "This way!", like she can't follow the stampede of panicked dancehall patrons.

2008. Ianto radios to Gwen to be careful, because Bilis is still around somewhere, even though I thought he just helped her? Cannot make sense of that, I tell you. Meanwhile, Owen throws shit around in Bilis's office until he finds a safe hidden under a tablecloth.

1941, bomb shelter. Tim The Navigation Expert tells Audrey The Racist (But Back Then They Didn't Know Any Better) "The thing is, you could be the last girl I ever kiss", and she just shrugs, like, 'Good point' and gets on with it. Ah, simpler times. In less flavour-adding stories, Tosh reminds Jack for the umpteenth time that she needs to get the cheat codes back to the future, back Jack is too busy sharing a Significant Glance with The Captain, and it looks like maybe someone has finally given Cupid some Eye Drops! Tosh finds herself an airtight coffee jar, and pours its contents on the floor. Excuse me, Missy, don't you know there's a war on? Then she somehow slashes open her palm on its decidedly non-sharp edge. Because pencil will fade over time, but blood lasts forever! I'm no bloodistician, but I don't think that's actually true. Whatever, she writes the rest of the cheat codes in blood, seals them in the coffee jar and puts it in the safe, where no one but Owen would be wont to look.

Oh, wait, no, the safe is empty in the future, so I suppose Bilis was wont to look. And then all the clocks in Bilis's office start going off at once! Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day... And, logically, this leads Owen to the conclusion that the missing piece of the Manipulator is attached to the pendulum in the grandfather clock. Obviously. He heads off back to the Hub, but runs into Gwen on the way and puts on his best "I'm just going... to stalk... Lenny and Karl... and have some... lunch..." voice to tell her that he didn't find anything, and he is going to go back to the Hub now. Gwen doesn't notice anything suspicious, because everyone on the Torchwood crew acts incredibly suspiciously 24/7, I think.

Back in the bomb shelter, The Captain walks up to Jack and tells him "Of course I'm scared", and Jack appears to be thinking "Dammit, Harkness, he's just talking about the war! It's perfectly innocent!" I think maybe he is spotting the signs but is worried he is just hoping they are there because he has not been getting any lately? Except he has, but hey, I don't know that yet. What? Oh, and Tosh totally didn't stick the coffe jar in the safe, apparently I just totally made that up. Surprise!

2008, dancehall. Gwen's looking around the basement (where the bomb shelter would've been, natch) for clues now, and she is still hearing flashes of 1941. That's all.

1941. Tosh returns from the... back room? And tells Jack that she's finished chrono-mailing cheat codes now. Tim The Navigation Expert (who I think is not actually the one making out with Audrey right now. Look, they all have the same haircut, OK? How am I supposed to tell?) is concerned about the huge gash on her hand, Tosh claims "I slipped", Tim leads her away to his first-aid kit. George (he's more cockney, so I can tell him apart) wants to buy a drink for The Captain, but that port is closed to anyone not named "Captain Jack Harkness" right now, kid. Jack smiles, so I think he is correctly reading the correct signs at last.

2008, dancehall basement. Gwen finds the coffee jar, and somehow manages to avoid giving herself tetanus picking it up. She radios to the Hub to tell Ianto the final cheat code, and also register her concern that Tosh has written it in blood and also included a "Tell my family I love them" message at the bottom.

Hub. Owen arrives, Ianto copies down the cheat code from Gwen and apparently "cos" is Welsh for "integral", because Ianto has no trouble correctly interpreting her apparent error. Also that integral should be followed by a 'dx'. I'm just sayin'. Owen tells her this is wrong, they need at least three more numbers. But Bilis has scratched out the end of it, the wily coyote. Why he'd do that and not just destroy the note, I have no idea. Let's just go with it.

1941. Jack and The Captain share a private drink up on a balcony, and The Captain asks Jack why he told him to kiss BHO goodbye. Jack tells him to grab the bull by the horns and live each day as if it's his last and so on and so forth, and "Go to your woman and lose yourself in her". JACK YOU FRIGGIN MAROON THAT IS NOT WHAT HE WANTS. The Captain tries sending out one more signal; "Is Toshiko your woman?" but still Jack isn't receiving. Uh, you know what I mean.

Owen is all "Screw the missing numbers, I'm getting the woman who left me after a week back, universe be damned!" and shoves the missing piece into the Manipulator, but it still isn't working, so he opts again for the tried and tested "throw shit around until you find something useful" method. Ianto protests some more that he can't open "the safe", Owen tells him he can do whatever he wants, "I'm second in command!" Fucking WHAT?! No! Tosh! Tosh is second in command! Jack, what the hell were you thinking? As well as the cheat codes, Owen has totally been reading a walkthrough, because he immediately knows which page to turn to in Jack's diary to find the combination to the safe. I swear most of the completely illogical stuff in this episode was just not there the first time I watched it. Owen sorts through boxes containing the Life Knife and the Ghost Machine (or, as it should be dubbed to continue the theme, the Spectre Reflector) before he finds the right one, and this is purely inserted into the episode so that it can contain references to every previous episode. Except "Random Shoes", because that had nothing to do with anything. Or "Small Worlds", for the exact same reason. Anyway, what he is actually looking for is blueprints for the Manipulator.

Back in 1941, The Captain has finally decided that he's got to make the move, and when Jack reminds him that "this could be [his] last chance", The Captain says "That's why I came back" and nervously takes hold of Jack's hand, and, see, this is why I like this episode even though none of it actually makes sense, because this is a damn sweet moment. And I'm sure after that recap, you'd prefer it if I never used that word again, but hey, brace yourself. Anyway, Audrey and the guy who is not Tim or George wander in and break the spell, telling them "We need Lovers' Corner if you don't mind, boys". The Captain breaks of quickly and is all "we were just discussing strategies". Jack gives him a sly grin and says they'll go somewhere else, but the moment is lost and The Captain, afraid, tells Jack he's told him everything he needs to know.

2008, Hub. The boys are fighting over the blueprints, and Ianto's doing his strangled yelling again, but Gareth David-Lloyd's acting is markedly improved over "Cyberwoman" here, and Owen and Ianto play surprisingly well off each other when they're yelling, even when what they're yelling doesn't actually make sense, like "It's a trap! Bilis wanted you to find it! To incite total chaos and destruction!" So, Bilis somehow stole a piece from the Manipulator and hid it in a grandfather clock, because he wanted Owen to find something totally unrelated that he would also need to work the machine? What? But then they give up on the yelling and just starting beating the crap out of each other, which is a lot more fun. Owen wins pretty easily, and that is one thing that actually does make sense. Well done!

1941. Jack looks longingly after The Captain, and sadly explains to Tosh exactly how he's going to die tomorrow (as a hero, saving his men. But of course.) The Captain looks longingly back, but is still scared to do anything about it. And the time jumps are happening more frequently now, so I'll stop changing paragraph for each one; Owen is about to start up the Manipulator when Ianto pulls a gun on him and tells him to stop or he'll shoot. And back in the past, Jack's finally going to actually answer some of Tosh's questions about who he is, but it's not actually anything we don't know. I'll transcribe a little for the emo, though:

Tosh: How did you end up at Torchwood?
Jack: Someone saved my life. Brought me back from death. And ever since then, it's been like... they're keeping me for something, and I don't know what it is. ...I'm sorry for dragging you into this.
Tosh: It was my choice!
Jack, seriously: I'll look after you. (He starts to cry. EMO!) But there's nothing I can do for him!

But, dude, "they've been keeping me for something"? THAT IS A MOMENT! THAT IS OUT OF TIME! THEY HAVE STUCK HIM IN THE WALL! HE IS JUST A BOX IN A CAGE! Also, "It was my choice!" and that whole little bit was really quite awesome. Tosh is awesome! My number one request for Season 2 is more Tosh!

In the Hub, Owen is now taunting Ianto about how he is not important, he is just a tea boy, and also Jack's "part-time shag". When did this happen? When did Owen find out? WHY WAS I NOT INFORMED? I know that weird scene with the stopwatch ties in pretty well with all the 'moment' nonsense, but still, come on, guys. You can't have your major characters start a sexual relationship and also find out about each others' sexual relationships entirely off-screen! That ain't right! Especially when there are clearly some pretty major issues you would think they would have to work through before engaging in such extracurricular activities. And then Owen and Ianto stare each other down for a while, and then Owen tells him that the Riftmouth ate his lover and his Captain, so if he dies here, it will all be in the line of duty. And he goes to start the Manipulator pumping, and Ianto shoots him in the back (My number one request for Season 2 is MORE SHOOTING OWEN!), and Owen manages to push through the pain and start it going anyway. Time Kompression!

And, back in the past, the music is getting romantic, and Jack and The Captain's eyes meet across the room, and because of the Time Kompression, reality is starting to fall away a little to make this moment perfect; The Captain loses his fear and, right in front of everyone, walks over to Jack and takes his hand and leads him onto the dancefloor, and they start to dance. George is confused, and asks what he is doing, but everyone else starts to gather around in a circle, and watch this timeless moment, and smile. There's no one on the dance floor but Captain Jack Harkness and Captain Jack Harkness, and nobody is saying anything, or doing anything but watching, and smiling. And they dance, and then everything turns bright, And Tosh runs into the light and shouts to Jack that they have to go, "We need you, Jack!". Jack nods and tells The Captain he has to go, and The Captain understands. It's his duty. Jack starts to follow Tosh, but then pauses, and he doesn't say this out loud, but he needs a moment. Any chance could be your last, and that is why you come back. And Jack does, and while the musicians keep playing, and everyone else keeps watching, and smiling, he kisses Jack, and Jack kisses him. This kiss, the world fell apart for this perfect moment. Or maybe the moment had enough leverage to tear the world apart; if it's alien it's ours, if it's ours it's alien and it's all the same in the end and what I am saying is that if you want to taste my kisses in the night then JUMP.

And then the crowd fades away, and The Captain stands to attention and salutes, and he fades away too. And Jack and Tosh walk though the door and come home, and Gwen is there to greet them with hugs, hooray! And inside the dancehall, Bilis smirks an evil smirk, for he is an evil man. An evil, camp man. See you next week, Bilis!

At the Hub, a little later, Owen is stitching up his own wound and bitching at Ianto about how the world didn't end after all so he was right. Well, hey, give it time. Or, you know, don't, because time exists even less than it used to, now. Tosh has no time for these petty squabbles about who caused the apocalypse, which is why I love her, and she says "I know it was wartime, but it was beautiful." Jack agrees, of course, and then heads into his office with a face full of emo foreboding. Owen wants to go after him, but Tosh says she'll go; if you weren't around in the war, you wouldn't understand, laddie. Tosh tells Jack that "He would have been proud that you took his name", and they raise a toast to Captain Jack.

Next time: Owen was wrong! Raise your hand if you're not surprised. I thought so.