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Torchwood Episode 1x02 - "Day One"

Episode Grade: C+


In spite of the fact that the first episode aired literally like two minutes before this one, we get a previously montage, but fuck that shit. So, hey, I'm suffering from major flu bug right now. I'm sure I'm exaggerating, but for real, I haven't had it this bad, like, ever. I don't know if that will affect my performance, but I'm guessing maybe, because I can't seem to convince myself that the 'affect' in this sentence shouldn't be an 'effect', and I'm sure I should know that without even thinking about it. Anyway, enough of that.

Kaiser Chiefs shout away as Gwen and Rhys ten pin bowl. Gwen gets a strike, and looks rather pleased with herself. Hey, have you noticed how most all of the major characters in this show have four letter names? Especially since Suzie offed herself. I mean, I know Toshiko is technically seven, but she's often referred to as Tosh, so I'd still be watching my back if I were you, Ianto. Yeah, apparently illness makes me go off on irrelevant tangents all the time. Or maybe that's an attempt to distract myself from the lameness of this episode. You decide!

OK, so, Gwen and Rhys are now at a restaurant, he's all giddy about her first day at her new "special ops" job tomorrow, she's... kind of not, for some reason. Apparently it's already time for my first Buffy reference, because this scintillating conversation is interrupted when Rhys spots a big meteor falling to earth. The effects here are more special and less "special" than they were on Buffy though, if you get my meaning. Speaking of "special" things though, Rhys's reaction to it is to ask "Bloody hell, is that a plane on fire?" Honestly. By the by, I do apologise for the absurd number of Buffy references I'm chucking in, but, I wouldn't make them if the similarities weren't there, I'm sure. While we're on that subject though, I know I'm going to make some mention of how similar this episode is to the second episode of that other spin-off show at some point, so it might as well be here. Gwen drags Rhys running out of the restaurant without actually paying, which you'd think might cause some reaction in the staff, and tries to chase the meteor, which clearly isn't going to do any good. She gets a text message that just says "Torchwood" and lines it up neatly in the centre of the screen, which is infinitely more aesthetically pleasing than any text I've ever seen, and tells Rhys she has to go to work.

Credits. The theme tune remains nothing on Doctor Who's, of course, but it's frequently getting stuck in my head now, which I guess must be worth something. This episode written by Chris Chibnell, whom tv.com (no more or less reliable than imdb, I've found. So, not very) tells me wrote more episodes than anyone else this season. Let's hope the others are better than this.

The Torchwood van (which could do with an excellent nickname like Metallicar, but right now I've got nothing), trundles along the motorway, heading for the meteor. Gwen marvels at all the surveillance gear they have in the van. Tosh tells her all about it, Gwen's picks up on one of the things as being a police database, and objects; "you shouldn't have this!" Jack tells her "You might want to stop saying 'you' and start saying 'we'", and let me tell you now, he's got plenty more anvils where that one came from. After a long aerial shot of the van driving that makes me feel like I'm playing Spy Hunter, only without the awesome soundtrack or the fun of actually playing it, they pull up outside the crash site, only to discover that the Army (or, as Owen puts it "the amateurs") have got there first.

Jack tells Torchwood to take the "usual formation", Gwen asks what this is, Owen tells her "it varies". Heh. Everyone ignores her questioning how exactly that is possible. Before they're past the Armyteur blockade, Gwen contrivedly decides to run back and grab a toolbox so she can be denied entry because the Armyteur guy doesn't believe she's part of Torchwood, "And even if you were..." "...You'd have put out the welcome banners," Jack finishes.

So, down to the meteor. "Bog standard space debris," Owen informs. Jack and Owen do some casual tossing about of tools, so when Owen asks her to pass a chisel, Gwen (after snitting that her name is 'Gwen', not 'sweetheart', "one syllable, I'm sure you can manage it") throws it to him, only he totally fumbles the catch and it embeds itself in the meteor, which expels a load of glowy purple gas. Jack quickly tosses gas masks to everyone, the gas goes off in search of unprotected victims, Gwen looks around guiltily.

Outside a nightclub (which, far as I can tell, is actually called Night Club, like, WAY TO NAME YOUR CLUB IMAGINITIVELY THERE), a young girl is drunkenly crying on the phone to, presumably, her boyfriend's answerphone, because she's been standing around on her own, waiting for him to show up. The purple gas approaches, appears to fondle her breasts a little, then flies into her mouth. She heads back to the club, the bouncer refuses to let her back in, but changes his mind pretty quickly when she plants a kiss on him. And, man, she seriously looks like Kim from Sugar Rush. I actually did think it was Olivia Hallinan first time round, but apparently not.

Inside the club, she finds a random guy, drags him into the toilets and starts making out with him. He halts her to point out that he doesn't even know her name, she just carries on regardless, he has no objections to that. With nary a nod to foreplay, they go straight to screwing on the countertop and literally only a couple of seconds pass before he's telling her "I don't think I can hold on". She tells him to just go ahead and shoot his load, and his screams of pleasure get more and more over the top, then he explodes into gold dust. Maybe if he'd paid attention in school, he'd have known about the dangers of unprotected sex.

Torchwood Hub. In spite of Jack's protests, Gwen is repeatedly apologising to anyone and everyone for setting the purple penetration gas free. Owen is a dick about it, of course. Gwen tells them that whatever it is she's set off, she'll sort it, and anyway, "it was just gas, wasn't it? It can't be too bad, can it?" Owen snarks "Right, because gas never did anyone any harm," which, you know, fair point. Jack weighs in with the positives; they've got a good sample of the meteor. That's it. Owen brings up negatives; alien gas on the loose, they don't know what it is, why it's here or what it's going to do. He kind of stretched that point to make it seem like the negatives greatly outweigh the positives just a little. Tosh tells him to give Gwen a break already, Ianto coughs politely and tells them he may have a lead; nightclub death with unusual circumstances. Hi, Ianto! Bye, Ianto!

The imaginitevly named Night Club. Well, I haven't actually had a clear view on the second word yet, but it's definitely Night something, and that would be pretty funny. Couple of policemen hang around outside, Torchwood van pulls up and Jack gets out and just says "Torchwood" and they let him straight in. Gwen gets stopped again, this time because one of the coppers recognises her. He gives her an impressed "Bloody hell, look at you all posh!" and wants to hear all about it, but Gwen doesn't get a chance to make up any lame stories before Jack comes back out to hurry her. And hey, I've got a clear look now; it's actually "Night Spot", which really isn't much better than "Night Club" would have been anyway.

Inside the club toilets, a rather shellshocked bouncer is showing the Torchwood guys the pile of dust that used to be Mr. "Names are overrated". Jack asks how he even knows it used to be a body, and there's another of the many immensely gratuitous flexings of the post-watershed muscles in this episode as we flash back to the bouncer masturbating furiously to the security camera image of the first of said flexings. Jack tells him they need to see the security camera footage.

Cut to another room, and fine, it wouldn't make sense for the Torchwood crew to not watch the footage, but that doesn't mean I need to see it a THIRD time. Everyone is rather shocked, Jack quips that the guy "just came and went", Owen says it's how he'd like to go, because he's an ass. Gwen tries actually doing something useful and asks if the bouncer knows the girl's name, if they arrived together and suchlike. No luck. Jack thanks him for his help and says they have all they need. First order of business; the cover up. Jack orders a faked suicide with a body with face altered to look like the gold dust guy. Gwen's rather shocked that they have a supply of dead bodies on site. While Owen and Tosh run off to sort that out, Jack user a McGuffin counter to trace things into the alley where the purple gas of penetration found the girl, and there just so happens to be a security camera pointed straight at that spot. How convenient!

So, there's more watching of things we've seen before, Gwen melancholily points out that it's kind of her fault that the guy's dead, what with the chisel throwing that let the gas out. How about we go ahead and blame Owen instead. Idiot needs to learn to catch. Jack dismisses this; "It'll get you nowhere, that kind of thinking", and, I don't know what it is, but I really liked his delivery on that one. In case we weren't sure where she stood on the whole issue of murder, Gwen asserts that they can't let the gas girl kill again. Wow, I totally thought you'd be in favour of continued killings, Gwen. Thanks for clearing that up!

A house, somewhere. Our gas girl just sits there, staring into space. Either because she's possessed right now, and the alien doesn't know what to do with human living, or because she's not possessed right now, and the human doesn't know what to do with the things she's done. A man, ostensibly her father, blathers on and on about whatever, and, as usual for this kind of scene, I don't give a damn what he's saying, it's background noise. Well, except when he gives gas girl a name; Carys. But otherwise, the point here as that she's unresponsive, so when she starts responding, his words do become important. She claims to not remember what happened last night, due to alcohol. I don't know if that's true or not. I don't even know if that's Carys talking right there. Dad asks if she's out again tonight, she responds with an absent "Yeah".

Torchwood Hub. Gwen asks what Jack's doing, he "explains" by technobabbling, Tosh actually explains that he's trying to figure out where the meteor came from. Gwen contrivedly parallels it with Rhys's job so that everyone can act all surprised that she has a boyfriend. Come on, there has to be a better way of working that into a conversation than this. Much awkwardness. Gwen asks what they do for fun, then. "I torture people in happy relationships," Owen offers, and, OK, I still don't like him, but that was awesome.

Back with Carys, she's standing in the shower, crying, so I guess she was lying about the memory loss. And, since I know you're keeping track, no visible nipples.

Torchwood Hub. Tosh has a computer going comparing the image of Carys from the CCTV to the face of every human being ever or something, Gwen complains that "you can't have this!" because it's against civil liberties and blah blah, Jack snits "Still doing that 'you' instead of 'we' thing?" and OH MY GOD I GET IT ALREADY. Gwen has still not fully adjusted to the new job. I FUCKING GET IT. CCTV's too low res to have a clear image, so the software can only narrow it down to 119 possibilities. Owen complains, Ianto offers to sort through the 119 possibilites "the old fashioned way." Off everyone's looks, he adds an awesome "With my eyes!" I love Ianto. Gwen asks about the fingerprints she took, but no luck there. Owen snarks at her uselessly, Gwen snaps that at least she's trying to help, which so fucking word. After more blather, they eventually hit upon a helpful plan; looking at the adresses of their 119 suspects and seeing who's anywhere near the club, is I think the gist of it.

In her room, Carys is in a bathrobe, brushing her hair, when she has a sudden stab of pain. She stares at herself in the mirror some, then gets another stab, and another. And if the screaming is any indication, they're getting worse each time. The doorbell rings, and somehow this seems to stop the pain. Man, I guess all that aspirin was a waste of money, huh? She rushes downstairs and answers; it's a postman. He cheerfully starts to tell her about the package he's got for her, and he didn't mean it like that, but Carys doesn't realise that and is straight away throwing him onto a bed and straddling. What an embarrassing mixup! Anyway, before he reaches explosigasm, gas masked Jack, with the others in tow, kicks down the door and points a gun at them. "Put your trousers on and get out! NOW!" Jack yells, then, in case we weren't sure he's even the same guy we knew and loved from Doctor Who, adds "Breaks my heart to say those words." Gwen's fumbling with her gas mask, and Carys makes a break for it right past her, but Owen catches her by chucking a pebble at her feet that cages her in a force field. Jack bitches at him for taking alien tech off the building without permission, which, we already saw what that can lead to, so, however helpful it was right there, damn right.

Torchwood Hub. Gwen leads a handcuffed Carys, who stares around in awe. While the others wander off to do whatever, Jack tells her to find out what she can from Carys. Gwen's like, "I don't know what I'm doing!", Jack points out that it's probably best not to say that in front of the prisoner. Ha!

Gwen takes Carys into one of the glass-fronted cells. A scared Carys asks if Gwen's MI5 or what, and also, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. Gwen tells her "I think you know, Carys." Carys asks how Gwen knows her name, and denies that she knows why she's here and also denies that she's done anything wrong, ever, and also denies that she shot Kennedy. Gwen calmly tells her that she knows there's something living inside Carys, and what it made her do, and tells her all about the guy she fucked to death. Carys has another pain spasm. Oh shit, no doorbells down here! And then the thing that is not Carys gets right up in Gwen's grill (well, as much as she can do with a big glass wall in between them) and growls "You broke my shell!" Gwen rolls her eyes and tells the thing that is not Carys that it can forget about invading Earth and enslaving us. The thing that is not Carys is like, "WTF, dude, I just want to score some orgasms." I'm serious. Gwen's kind of weirded out, as you would be, and more pain spasming; Carys takes some control back and beats herself against the wall, which causes Gwen to rush into the cell, which, not the smartest move ever. You total moron. Carys pleads for help, the thing that is not Carys takes control again and makes out with Gwen. Who is totally into it! You guys, I swear, it's the other way round. The lesbians come to me.

Upstairs, Owen sees this going on on CCTV, and instead of doing anything about the MORTAL PERIL Gwen is, to his knowledge, in right now, he just sits back and enjoys the show. Tool tool tool! He eventually gets round to alerting the others, who also just watch and make light. So I guess they already know she's safe? Somehow? And that there's no chance of the thing that is not Carys making a break for it through the cell door that Gwen left open? Jack eventually decides they should do something about it, and he and Tosh rush down there, while Owen sits there and starts recording the camera. Total. Fucking. Tool.

Gwen's starting to undress the thing that is not Carys, but it pushes her away and growls that no penis = no party. Not in those exact words. Carys takes control again, pleads for help some more. Gwen promises to help her, which NO NO NO! Don't ever do that! Promise to try, sure, but you promise help, you know someone's going to wind up dead. Right then, Gwen's phone starts ringing, and she steps out of the cell to answer it. Rhys asks her what she's up to, so we can have some totally hilarious wacky hijinks where Gwen is all "I'm definitely not totally making out with a teenage girl!" Totally hilarious in opposite world. And also so they can have a little angst about how her new job means they spend no time together and she doesn't even know when she'll be home, though, as it's her first day, it's mostly only potential angst right now. She hangs up, and leans back against a glass wall to take some deep breaths, which is interrupted when Noodles jumps at the wall and scares the crap out of her. Aww, such a cute ickle murderous beast. Yes you are! Yes you are! Ahem. Gwen takes one last look at Carys and gets herself the fuck out of there.

Upstairs, Owen slow claps and condescends "That is what I call a methodical investigation!" Gwen has had quite enough of his shit and pushes him up against the wall all hardcore and spits that that girl's body has been taken over by something horrible and this is no fucking joke. Owen sneers that Carys is a murderer, "and you're the one that wanted her caught. How come all of a sudden she's your best friend?" I hate him so much! Jack comes to break them up and awesomely tells Gwen that "strictly speaking, throttling the staff is [his] job." Hee! What little tension was left unbroken by that is totally shattered by Ianto's arrival with Chinese takeaway.

So, everyone's gathered around the table eating Chinese and telling funny stories, but we come in halfway through so we can't possibly hope to get it, and all the characters appear to have been there for the whole thing, so it doesn't serve to help us empathise with one of them (I've got the hat trick!), it's just irritating. Jack announces his need for a bathroom break, and the others take the opportunity to share their gossip about him; they don't know Jack. (I think I'm going to use that Jack pun far too much. Sorry about that.) Owen assumes he's gay, Tosh tells Gwen that she disagrees with Owen, Ianto adds "And I don't care." He's awesome. They banter about a bit more, until Gwen hears a noise and they all go quiet to work out what it is; Carys crying. Way to kill the mood there, Carys. Gwen stands up and asks what they're doing eating Chinese while Carys is fighting for her life, Jack rather bursts her self-righteous bubble by pointing out that the computers are doing technobabble this and McGuffin that. But Gwen's still got a good hefty anvil to throw; "You've been hidden down here too long, spending so much time with alien stuff, you've lost what it means to be human." Ow, my head. Jack tells her to go ahead and remind them what it means to be human and oddly (not from our point of view, but as we've established, these guys don't know his deal) specifies "in the 21st century".

So Gwen montages away on the computers and fully prints out Carys's entire life, including "emails discussing the relative merits of Orlando Bloom and Heath Ledger" and sticks it to the walls. Jack, genuinely intrigued, asks why she did that; Gwen explains that it's not about gases or meteors, they have a trapped girl that they need to save, and right now Carys is losing the battle, so they need to find something to make her hold onto life. Jack just looks at her, impressed, and Barrowman plays this pretty excellently, and then he gushes at her a little. Gwen suggests bringing in Carys's dad, and Jack apparently forgets everything that happened not five seconds ago and tells her their priority is to contain the alien threat. Whuhuh?? Tosh calls them over for some new technobabble.

The purple gas of penetration is releasing powerful pheromones, hence Gwen's making out with her earlier, which she embarrassedly admits to now as though Owen's "methodical investigation" quip earlier hadn't made it obvious that the others knew about that. Jack asks if Gwen still wants to put Carys's father in there, and she's all "God no, we can't let any man in there". That is so very gross. The girls have a sudden "Oh shit, where's Owen?" look and they go rushing down to the cells.

Where Owen is standing around naked in Carys's cell, looking pissed off. And, seriously, what the fuck is this guy doing on the Torchwood staff? Not only does he have no useful skills and is a date rapist, but apparently he also likes to paint himself red and run around the bullpen and then act surprised when he loses an arm. I mean, seriously, while I may complain about him being a dick to everybody, I totally accept that all too many of those types of people exist in the real world, but if he's stupid enough to walk into that cell, it stretches my suspension of disbelief to accept that he hasn't won a Darwin award already. Fortunately for him, he's so obnoxious that even an alien gas for whom orgasms are like heroin refuses to sleep with him, I guess, because the thing that is not Carys just took his swipecard.

Upstairs, Jack confronts the thing that is not Carys, and I guess it knows that it can't compete with Jack in the pheromone stakes, because it doesn't appear to even try for that and instead goes straight to attempting to beat him to death with a morning star. Jack's totally whooping it's stolen ass though... until she grabs hold of his hand in a jar. Jack immediately yells "Put it down! That's worthless to anyone but me!" which a) that's a whole heck of a lot of words to yell in sudden panic and b) that's just about the last thing you want to tell her in this situation. And, about the hand, since I said I'd mention this; of course it's The Doctor's severed non-fighting hand. It took me way too long to figure that out, for real. Jack threatens to shoot, but they both know it's an empty threat. Carys regains control to plead for help again momentarily, then the thing that is not Carys goes running out the door with Jack's hand.

There's some extended runnning about, of course, then in the Tourist Info room that Ianto appears to run as a front for Torchwood, Jack catches up again. Ianto offers to do some violence, but Jack tells him to just open the door. Jack holds out his arms pleadingly and tells the thing that is not Carys to give him the jar, but instead it throws it into the wall before bolting. That was just mean! Jack, distraught, cradles the hand lovingly, and thankfully does not say anything along the lines of "We even have a love life, of a sort", because that would be so gross, y'all. Tosh and Gwen arrive upstairs and there's further ridiculously amounts of running about outside, but the thing that is not Carys has totally eluded them by now. And this time it's not even a stretch for me to claim that it's entirely Owen's fault that it's been let out into the world!

The Hub. Gwen's scolding Jack like he's a child with his hand in the cookie jar (I'm so sorry) because a hand in a jar is apparently more important to him han Carys's life. He doesn't even try to excuse himself or explain, just tells her to maybe get her police friends to do something useful for once and find Carys. She makes some lame quip about how she'll tell them it's a code mauve or whatever; "woman possessed by gas knobbing fellas to death". Making jokes, Gwen? HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN WHAT IT MEANS TO BE HUMAN ALREADY?? Owen jumps in to the room because apparently he actually has something useful to offer at last.

So, in his operating theatre or whatever, he tells them technobabble this and McGuffin that and squiggly line squiggly line. The purple gas of penetration is going to cause Carys's heart rate to triple, brain to expand and lungs to shrink which will eventually result in her exploding, which Owen demonstrates by doing all this to a rat and exclaiming "Rat jam!" Even when he's being useful, he's fucking gross.

Carys Goldfrapps her way around Cardiff with a camera right up in her face for a while, and there's way, way too many "look at all the sex in advertising" shots because, check it out, this alien gas that is obsessed with sex IS A METAPHOR FOR OUR SEX OBSESSED CULTURE! That's so deep.

Torchwood Hub. Gwen's policing, as ever; they need to think like Carys to work out where she'd go. Jack pessimists that they can't really do that when they don't know who if it's Carys or the gas that's steering. But Tosh figures it's a combination of both; the gas just wants sex, and probably won't mind letting Carys choose who with. Gwen lays it out; "You're desparate for sex, because that's what the thing inside you needs, but you know it will kill. Where do you go?" Owen suggests he'd pay Gwen a visit, everyone glares at him, he defensively cries "It's just a joke." Thing about jokes, Owen, their main feature ought to be being actually funny. You lose. Again. Jack's thinking "brothels, nightclubs, anywhere there's eager men", Tosh knowingly says "I know what I'd do," but we don't get to hear what that is because we cut to what Carys is actually doing. I guess we're supposed to intuit that Tosh has the right idea though.

Some seedy flat somewhere, the guy whose answerphone Carys was crying to back when we first met her rants at her about how she should have called, because "Bethan might have been in", and the basic gist appears to be that he is cheating on this Bethan with Carys. The thing that is barely Carys tells him "I could kill you." He's all "I could bloody kill you," but she/it corrects him. "If I wanted to, I could kill you. Now." He still hasn't picked up on the intense weirdness and sleazily tells her she's a lovely girl and all, but he's not leaving Bethan. "You were my first, see," the thing that is quite Carys continues, "I never told you because I thought you'd laugh. And you were crap." He still thinks she's just a stupid little girl getting clingy and continues to be dismissive. The thing that is almost entirely Carys gives him one last chance; "Do you love me, Eddie? Did you ever love me?" He's like "Of course I fucking don't." Fail! "You could have saved yourself" Carys tells him, and gives into the gas and sexes him to death. I don't much like the episode as a whole, but it does have quite a few scenes like that one that are pretty excellent on their own.

Later, Jack and Gwen burst in to find the pile of gold dust that used to be Eddie, and Jack confirms that Tosh figured it out. He makes a quip about how it's lucky she's young; "work your way through my back catelogue, we'll be here till the sun explodes." It's a brave attempt Jack, but you're fooling no one. We know you've misplaced your mojo.

And now we have a trip in the Torchwood van. And I've got the nickname all sorted; it's The Symmetric Hyena. No, no, hear me out, right. Now, I have a weird love of anagrams and the whole thing with the title of this show means that this is my perfect opportunity to exert that love, so it's going to crop up all over the damn place in the recaps, OK? So, what the fuck I'm on about with The Symmetric Hyena; Jack is Fred, of course, Tosh is clearly Velma, which leaves Gwen as Daphne. Owen is fucking Scrappy Doo. Capiche? So, everyone's trying to figure out what the hell they should do now, like, stop the whole of Cardiff from having sex? They all laugh at how stupid that is. Tosh wonders why the purple gas of penetration picked Carys as its host, Gwen assumed, as I did, that it was just random (Hence post title. Come on, I didn't have much to work with.) and that conversation is too removed from discussion of sex to have any part in this episode, so that's as far as it goes. Everyone relies on Gwen to figure Carys/not Carys's next move, seeing as how she did a PhD in Carys Studies earlier, but she's got nothing. Jack asks about Carys's job; Gwen knows she's a receptionist but can't remember where, Tosh gets on her Apple Mac Guffin and finds it out; she's a receptionist at Conway Clinic. Which, for whatever reason, Owen knows is a fertility clinic, ie. sperm donors. So, bingo.

Conway Clinic. Girl behind the counter asks what Carys is doing there, she's not supposed to be working today. And also, why the fuck is she ranting like "It needs more energy! NEEEEED MORE LIGHT!!!". The thing that is definitely not Carys any more answers her with a punch in the face. Succinct. Someone somewhere tells Mr. Tungsten (or, that's what it sounded like to me) that Room 1 is ready for him, he goes in, the thing that is not Carys is waiting for him.

Back to The Symmetric Hyena. Jack hands Gwen a gun, she's like, "What's this for?". He's like, "Do I need to draw a diagram?" She's like, "Yeah, actually, I've never used one before". Jack and all the Americans watching this show on the BitTorrent network are like "WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK, I THOUGHT SHE WAS A COP!"

Clinic. Carys is telling another guy to relax, and let her do her thing. He tells her "I don't think so, love, I'm gay." Ho ho.

Hyena. Gwen wants to know what they're actually going to do if and when they find Carys. Tosh explains that her tests show that Earth's atmosphere is toxic to the gas, so without a host body, it won't survive long. So, maybe I'm missing something here, but if Earth's atmosphere is toxic to it, why would it come here in the first place? Are our orgasms really that good? Anyway, I guess some point between this scene and zero seconds later when the Hyena's parking, they devise the actual plan, but we don't get to see that, so it can be a "surprise". They arrive at the clinic and charge in, guns blazing. Overly long sequence of everyone barging into rooms to find nothing but piles of gold dust, and eventually Owen finds the droids they're looking for. Everyone comes in and surrounds the thing that is not Carys, levelling guns at it, and it... starts reciting bad poetry. Odd. Owen exposits that the body won't hold much longer; "any second now, she's rat jam." The thing that I don't think is Carys but who can tell any more begs for just one more, begs Gwen to "make me feel human". Gwen reminds her about the lack of penis, and Jack offers himself; "I've got a surplus of life, I'm giving it away." So we're meant to think that Jack will free her because, remember, he can't die, and Tosh and Owen will be all "WTF, dude", only, surprise! That's not happening at all! See, Gwen offers to host the thing instead, because she can't bear to let Carys die, and every acts like this is all a spur of the moment thing, and as soon as the gas comes out of Carys, Gwen throws down the force field pebble and traps it. Or maybe it really was all spur of the moment. Who knows? Who cares? Anyway, the gas is trapped, Owen creates some extremely lame tension by worrying that the gas will outlive the pebble's battery, and then the gas itself turns to dust. It's more brick red than gold though. Jack crumbles a handful of it on the floor and muses "Travel halfway across the universe for the greatest sex, and still end up dying alone", the total emo. Gwen kisses him on the lips and thanks him, and he's all "Huh."

Next day. Gwen returns Carys to her dad, and they hug, and they cry. Jack smiles at the not entirely tragic ending.

Torchwood Hub. Gwen takes Carys's life down from the walls. Jack tells her that "everyone else is off doing... whatever it is they do when they're not here." Gwen shrugs that she wanted to finish off, and asks how long he's been there. He doesn't answer, but instead tells her not to let the job consume her, because then she might FORGET HOW TO BE HUMAN! OK, he doesn't say that. Thankfully. Gwen asks him who he is, what with all the immortality and "the 21st century is when it all changes" and all that. Jack, again, does not answer, and just tells her to go home and eat lasagne and kiss her boyfriend and be normal.

So she does. Only she totally doesn't pay the slightest attention to whatever Rhys is babbling about, which the soundtrack is drowning out even if I did care. He asks if he's boring her. Not yet, but it's a pretty inevitable side effect, isn't it, Mickey? And we end once again with a "Look how pretty Cardiff is!" shot.

Next week: Ghost in the machine! Future echoes!