My One Big Eyeball #1

So, here I go again with the new weekly featuring. Yes, I'm aware there was already supposed to be a weekly feature today (or, yesterday as of a few hours ago, natch). Most weeks, I'm planning for this one to go up on Saturdays, but this Saturday I was too busy playing drinking games with the Powerpuff Girls to do that. Sunday Shuffle will be a Monday again this time, but I'll try to do better in future, I promise. Promise to try, you may notice, which might as well not be a promise at all, obviously. Y'know.
Anyway, point is, I watch some TV other than the shows I've been writing a whole lot about, but I don't have time to go into such great detail on everything I watch, and TWoP has these ones all covered. So, every Staurday (approx.) I'll post short little small rants/reviews on whatever I've been watching the past week. Also, the week before in a couple of cases here (you might think I mean ALL BUT ONE cases, but BSG showed two episodes in one week, so HA.), since I'd be starting on the second episode of a season, which would just be STUPID.


Battlestar Galactica 3x01 - "Occupation"
Episode grade: B

PREVIOUSLY: The cylons, robots who, in some cases, look exactly like smokin' hot blonde chicks, destroyed most of humanity. The remnants escaped on the titular Battlestar, and a gaggle of civilian ships and did there best to make a living with frakkin' toasters constantly on their asses. Dr. Gauis Baltar is secretly guilty of leaking vital defense information to the smokin' hot blonde chick he was sleeping with, causing the attack that destroyed most of his species, and not so secretly totally batshit insane. After continuous poking and prodding by the smokin' hot blonde chick in his head, he ended up as president, and made everyone settle down on a crappy little planet he named "New Caprica". The cylons fucked off for a year and humanity pretended "if we can't see them, they can't see us", though we didn't get to see that part because in the final act of the season two finale we suddenly jumped ahead a year. At which point the cylons came back to enslave humanity. With love. Though an even smaller contingent than the first time escaped on the Galactica, led by the awesomest leader anyone could possibly hope for; Admiral Bill Adama. Oh, and the other Battlestar, Pegasus, led by his rather less awesome son, Commander Lee "Apollo" Adama.

NOW: Apparently "one year later" wasn't enough of a mindfrak, because we've jumped ahead a further four months. This episode is mostly just here to establish what's going on with everyone these days, and is thusly a) not massively impressive, and b) really, really grim. I mean, they're all in concentration camps. So, Colonel Tigh, who's always been a mean drunk, is joined by Chief Tyrol, who used to be a pretty chilled-out all around cool guy, but is now an incredibly angry all around cool guy, to lead the resistance against the cylons. Tigh organises suicide bombings, which Tyrol is not exactly thrilled with the idea of. But anyway, it happens, and their first target is the inaugration ceremony of the cylons' human police force.

WHAT I THINK OF IT ALL: Jacob said it best. (FYI, Jacob is either the bestest, most poetic, hardworking, and all around awesome recapper that TWoP has (I agree), or a horribly pretentious and dull bastard. I saw him described somewhere as "The Pitchfork of television", which is pretty hilarious.)
So yeah, this show is quite astoundingly bleak and depressing, always and forever. Well, not quite, because there are occaisional moments of light, which are so very much sweeter because they're so incredibly rare. It's quite clearly the best thing on television these days, unless you were a fan of the original, apparently, in which case it's horribly sacreligious and shit. As well as being way bleaker than, like, anything, ever, it's quite clearly not afraid to wear it's political commentary on it's sleeve, moreso than ever, and also, I really don't know if I should be rooting for the humans or the cylons or what these days. You could cut the tension with a knife, always. In fact, it's that tense that you could probably cut it with a SPONGE. If that makes any sense at all. I'm not really sure.

Battlestar Galactica 3x02 - "Precipice"
Episode grade: A+

PREVIOUSLY: What I just said, right up there.

NOW: So, like, woah. Despite objections from his smokin' hot blonde chick girlfriend (Cylon model #6 of 12), the cylons force puppet president Baltar to sign an order to execute 200 civilians, including; Chief Tyrol's wife, Cally; former president Laura Roslin; and Tom Zarek, former terrorist, and former vice president under Baltar. Roslin and Zarek, former bitter enemies, share an amazingly sweet and sad conversation on the way to their execution. Cally has an old friend in the police though, so she gets to escape while the other 199 are led to their death.
Meanwhile, Captain Kara "Starbuck" Thrace, is having her mind totally frakked with by Leoben (Cylon model, number unknown), who presents her with a little girl who's apparently he and Kara's daughter, created from the ovary the cylons stole from her during her brief stay in one of their horrifying breeding farms back at the start of the second season.
Meanmeanwhile, Adama is bringing the Galactica back to New Caprica to rescue its opressed peoples, Apollo is having none of this because the survival of humanity is their number one priority, and that's too risky, so the Galactica and the Pegasus part ways. Oh, also, Adama re-comissions Sharon "Boomer" Valerii (Cylon model #8) as an officer. Oh, and she's now Sharon Agathon, so apparently she and Carl "Helo" Agathon got married somewhere in the interim. Yes, they know she's a cylon.
Meanmeanmeanwhile, Osama Bin Tigh organises more suicide bombings, purely to distract the cylons from the Galactica's impending arrival. Tyrol gets all angry and angsty about a) this, and b) the fact that his wife was arrested for no actual reason.

WHAT I THINK OF IT ALL: I... just... like, WOAH. DOUBLE YOU. OH. AY. AITCH. And, by the by, this isn't even the best episode this show's ever produced. Like I said, best thing on television. If Roslin and Zarek are actually dead, I'm going to hit something. Any other show, I'd pretty much take it as a given that they survived, or at least one of them did, but... this show manages that "no one is safe" vibe way, way better than anything, ever, as well as all the other stuff it does way better than anything, ever. Well, except the end of Serenity, because I fully expected Joss Whedon to slaughter, like, the entire cast for the hell of it after, well, you know. Watch how I soar.


Desperate Housewives 3x01 - "Listen To The Rain On The Roof"
Episode grade: B-

PREVIOUSLY: Susan was a bumbling fool, but won the love of plumber with a shady past Mike, anyway. And then Mike got run over by psychotic dentist Orson. Who, being a psycho, naturally got together with Bree, whose relationship history is actually more tragic than even Battlestar Galactica. Lynette found out that her husband Tom has a secret illegitemate daughter from way back before they were married, and the kid, Kayla and her crazy, irritating mother Nora came down to live in Fairview, which Lynette is not massively pleased by. Aaaaand, those crazy kids Gabby and Carlos still can't work it out. She had an affair with the gardener, they eventually got past that hump, but then he had an affair with their maid and surrogate mother Xaoi Mei, which Gabby didn't take too well. So, yeah, unlike the others, I pretty much stuck to the event of the previous season's finale, because this show pays no attention to things that happened more than a couple of episodes ago, generally.

NOW: Apparently Marc Cherry likes Battlestar Galactica too, because hey presto! It's six months later. So, Orson is as much of a neat freak as Bree, and after only seeing her for six months, proposes. Bree hesitates, but despite this having turned out really, really badly when it happened last year, eventually accepts. Oh, Bree. Also, he gives Bree her apparent first ever orgasm, which hilariously sends her rushing to hospital assuming she's had a stroke. Oh, Bree. Also, all evidence points to Orson having killed his previous wife. Mike's still in a coma from his run-in with psycho-dentist, and Susan's been watching over him for six months and is way more affecting than Susan has ever been before. And she's been slowly building up a friendship with a British fellow, name of Ian, who also has a coma'd SO, though his has been going on longer. Ian wants to be more than friends with Susan. Dodgy. Nora's spent the last six months straining and straining Lynette and Tom's marriage, and continues to do so, and apparently will in future episodes too. It's much more interesting to watch than Lynette's stories tended to be last year though. Lastly, Gabby is mean enough to Xaoi Mei to make her run away for a while, and it's really kind of stupid.

WHAT I THINK OF IT ALL: So, wow, this may be the first time ever that Susan is the best of the four housewives in an episode, but seriously. Gabby's storyline was pretty much just awful this week, Lynette's was kind of fun but nothing special, and Bree. Oh, Bree. First of all, what the hell has happened to Danielle? You know, her daughter? Who might be somewhat interested to know she's marrying another psycho? Seriously, WHAT. And, also, Bree got totally crapped on over and over for the entirety of the previous season. I think she deserves a break from marrying psychos. And the big seasonal mystery around Orson looks to be even less interesting than last year's Applewhite thing. I'd just give up on bothering with those, frankly.
But still, Susan's heartfelt speech to comatose Mike was really great.

Desperate Housewives 3x02 - "It Takes Two"
Episode grade: B-

PREVIOUSLY: Again, just told you.

NOW: This show gets even more hyperactive with its plotlines than usual, so, things happening even more too soon than George's death; Carlos and Gabby's baby is born, only, there was a mix up with the embryos, so Xaoi Mei was actually carrying someone else's baby, which is fairly noticable since it comes out black. Also, Bree and Orson get married already, which is the major event of the episode. Then, still in their wedding clothes, they go to a morgue to identify the body of a woman who's had all her teeth pulled out. Orson is a dentist, remember. And totally killed his wife. But anyway, this is not her, Orson says, which is surprisingly confirmed by his dramatic entrancey ex-naighbour Carolyn. Susan goes on an inappropriate date with, but, uh oh! The parents of his coma wife show up, so he out-Susans Susan by telling them she's a brain specialist. She drinks a whole lot of wine trying to bluff her way through this ridiculous lie, and eventually fakes a phonecall from the hospital; "His brain shut off? I'll be there right away! Stat!", chugging a whole glass of wine on her way out. Susan breaks it off with Ian, but then he inappropriately shows up at the wedding, despite never having met the bride or groom, and they have a conversation inappropriately disguised as toasts to the totally-happy-and-not-at-all-worried-about-the-murdered-ex-wife couple, which mystifyingly wins Susan back. Lynette finds that crazy Nora is a little less annoying when she has a boyfriend to distract her, but he unfortunately breaks up with her, so Lynette brings her to the wedding to set her up with someone, anyone, and inappropriately settles on Carlos, who goes along with it to get back at Gabby, who's shamelessly flirting with waiters to spite him.

WHAT I THINK OF IT ALL: Danielle apparently appeared in, like, two frames in the background at the wedding, which may in fact be even worse than not appearing at all. DOUBLE YOU. TEE. EFF. And, I still hate Bree marrying a psycho AGAIN. It's so, so stupid. Grr. Also, that's, what, a hundred babies that Gabby and Carlos have lost now? Does the plotline recycling know no bounds? Lynette dealing with crazy Nora continues to be sort of OK. And Susan and Ian is wildly inappropriate, but in all honestly, Dr. Susan was extremely hilarious, so I'll let them get away with that. Which means, again, Susan was the best of the four. We have actually entered bizarro world here. I'm really not impressed with this season so far.


Heroes 1x01 - "Genesis"
Episode grade: B+

PREVIOUSLY: Nothing. It's the first episode.

NOW: We meet a bunch of 'ordinary people with extraordinary powers', or as the Star Wars style opening text scroll puts it 'abilities that can only be described as "special".' I'm not kidding. It's the air quotes that really kill me, y'know. Anyway, said Heroes are, in no particular order: Peter Petrelli, who believes he can fly. His brother Nathan, a skeevy politician who can ACTUALLY fly. Hiro Nakamura, a nerdy Japanese office worker who can bend the space time continuum to the effect of teleporting into the girls' bathroom. And later, New York. Isaac Mendez, a junkie who paints the future. Simone Devere, his doormat girlfriend who as of yet has no powers. Claire Bennet, an indestructible cheerleader, who's possibly suicidal and certainly depressed about her power. Mohinder Suresh, an Indian professor whose only power thus far is delivering heaping bowls of exposition. Niki Sanders, webcam stripper extraordinairre whose reflection can, like, take over her body and kill the mob goons she owes money to leaving her with no memory of it? Or something? It's deliberately confusing, so far. Also, she has a son called Micah, who's a super-genius or something. And there's a creepy guy with glasses that's following them around and such and also Claire's adoptive father. Yeah, there was a lot happened, is what I'm saying.

WHAT I THINK OF IT ALL: Well, despite some major cheese to a fair proportion of the dialogue (though nothing else as bad as 'abilities that can only be described as "special".'), it gets by on the following basises (bases? basi?): a) Super-Hiro is quite astoundingly adorable. Unlike all these other emo bitches, he totally embraces and loves his powers, and it's really fun to watch. b) Claire, possibly the emoest of them all, is intriguingly depressed by the whole thing, but still saves a guy's life from a flaming trainwreck like it's nothing. Also, watching her mangled hand reform to totally fine is really freaking cool. c) Niki herself and her cliché single mother storyline are not interesting, but her mysterious psycho reflection power is really freaking cool. d) The other guys are quite interesting too, I guess. e) Super powers, in general, are really freaking cool. And the big reveals at the end; Bad Glasses Man is claire's dad, NATHAN is the actual flying one, were both well handled, and I only saw one of them coming at all, which is pretty good going.

Heroes 1x02 - "Don't Look Back"
Episode Grade: A-

PREVIOUSLY: I! Just! Told! You! GOD.

NOW: We meet another Hero; Matt Parkman, a rather dim cop who can read people's thoughts, and gets into a little "whoops, I'm a suspected double gruesome murder-with-brains-cut-out-of-skulls-er" mishap as a result. After Nathan didn't do a perfect job of catching him when he fell last week, Peter wakes up in hospital and can't remember what happened. Nathan seemingly lies to him about it for a while, but it turns out he's telling the truth that Peter can fly too. Or at least hover a little. Niki's Psychotic Reflection leads Niki on a fun little treasure hunt to bury the bodies of the thugs she killed last week. Claire lets a different cheerleader take the credit for the fire save last week, and her dad is all creepy with her. Mohinder is being followed by more of the evil government types that killed his father, since he's seeking to continue his fathers work. AAAAND Hiro finds out he teleported through time AND space, so he's in New York about a month later than he left, where he finds Isaac with his brain cut out. So, after being accused of Isaac's murder, he teleports back to Tokyo a month ago just as the apocalypse happens. So, looks like our guys have got a month to band together and defeat the evil of some guy called "Sylar" and Claire's evil daddy who may or may not be one and the same.

WHAT I THINK OF IT ALL: First, I love that the guy who announces the previouslies is that one deep-voiced guy who does the adverts for ever single movie ever. You know the one.

Otherwise? Pretty much the same as what I said about the first one, since they're really parts 1 & 2 of the same, I think. The new guy, Matt, I like him. I like his not-smart-ness, it makes him another fun one, though he's certainly higher on the emo scale than Hiro. And the ending was majorly freaking awesome. Adds a great sense of urgency to it all. And also, it means that Hiro doesn't have as great control of his power as it seemed, which is probably a good thing, because he'd be really over-powerful if he did. Also, people being frozen solid/brain removed/pinned halfway up a wall with knives? YOWZA.


Lost 3x01 - "A Tale Of Two Cities"
Episode grade: C

PREVIOUSLY: Uh, bunch of people crashed on a island under MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES, a few of them died under MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES (or, because the actresses got done for drink driving), some of them kicked heroin habits and hunted boar and other such merry things. Under MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES, of course. Also, Jack was incredibly dull, Locke was incredibly cool for the first season, then a little less so for the second season because Eko took over that one. Then Jack, Kate and Sawyer, who JUST HAPPEN to have a love triangle thing going on got captured by The Others, the ostensible villains of the piece. They could have captured Hurley too, but he's just not cool enough for them.

NOW: Sawyer apparently takes longer than bears did to figure out The Others' button pushing system to get himself some food in his rat cage. Kate is forced to shower, then wear a dress that is SO NOT HER, MAN, and have creepy breakfast with the creepy leader of The Others; The Artist Formerly Known As Henry Gale, whose real name is apparently Ben. So, Benry Gale will obviously be his future moniker. Most of the episode is spent on Jack hanging out in an aquarium that's been drained of water and Dharma branded sharks with an Other named Juliet, who is not great at the prison guard job, and having flashJacks that, as in all but the first of the previous FIVE FUCKING SETS of flashJacks we've had to endure, give us no new insight into his character whatsoever.

WHAT I THINK OF IT ALL: NO MORE FUCKING FLASHJACKS. EVER. PLEASE. I really do not care. His dad's a drunk! He's stubborn and obsessive! His wife left him! Because HE MUST. FIX. ALL THINGS. What exciting new information.
Shocking reveal that the opening wasn't a regular character flashback, but actually on the island? Yeah, that would have been great if they didn't already do that with Desmond in last year's opener. And that Juliet chick is thus far a) boring and b) the exact same person as Sarah. and Penny.
On the plus side; Kate's stuff was pretty creepy all the way through, especially her breakfast with Benry Gale, and the Saywer zoo was fun. But the episode was like, 90% Jack, and that will never, ever be a good thing.
Next week, let's have at least a cameo appearance by a lostaway that I actually care much about, hmm?



So, that's that. It'll be shorter next week when a) only one episode per show, and b) I won't attempt to summarise the entire run of every show. See you tomorrow for some shufflin' fun, OK?