The Straight And Narrow

Sugar Rush Episode 1x08 - "Sugar Is Bad For You"

Episode Grade: A


Previously: The phrase "gay virgin" is back in, but I suspect it won't last. Also, Sugar is "a selfish, using bitch", Nathan was replaced by a robot that repeats variations on the phrase "spend time together as a family" ad infinitum and nobody noticed, and he apparently welcomed a completely wasted Stella back into his house, which DIDN'T ACTUALLY HAPPEN.

Kim throws away diaries and tears up pictures of Sugar, and KimVo rants that she must stop "this Mallory Towers gay crush thing". The music from the awesome scene at the club slowly fades in, as Kim pauses in her proactivity, holding a can of Five Alive with a lipstick mark on it, and kisses it. That's very, very weird, Kim, and what the hell is the deal with Five Alive cans on this show? Quick flashback of the kiss, then Kim crushes the can and throws it away. "Enough was enough. I needed some serious straight talkers."

Broad shot of the interior of a church, then a quick zoom with accompanying 'whoosh' sound effect on a fairly camp man in an orange sweater, who, with accompanying flamboyant hand gestures, proclaims "Welcome home! To the heterosexual life that God intended for us." Oh man. Does this sort of thing really actually happen? That is hilarious. Kim sits with a skeptical look, along with a bunch of other Gays-in-Denial, with various degrees of skepticality themselves. There's a girl with black hair who stands out (due to camera focus, not just because she's really hot.) The orange sweater guy, who shall henceforth be known as GiDeon, gestures to one of the GiDs, who stands and tells the others "Hi, I'm Belinda. I overcame lesbianism in 1999, and now I date men. Well, one man. Once." The others politely applaud. This shit is funnier than pubic lice. Another guy, who I'm sure I recognise but can't place, goes next: "I'm Gary, I left homosexuality two years ago." GiDeon looks disapprovingly at Gary, for some reason. Maybe because he's being upstaged in the camp gesture stakes. "I've been happily married for six months," Gary continues, "To a woman." He crosses his fingers and adds "Hoping to begin conjugal relations any day now!" GiDeon gives a little fist-pumping (not like that) good luck gesture. So damn funny. Kim and the black haired girl agree, but hide it better than me. They also catch each other's eyes and smile, to reiterate the fact that she's a significant character. GiDeon continues that they too can be like Belinda and Gary, by following six simple steps. "Step 1: Use a mantra to focus your mind. Something that trips off the tongue. 'Homos go to hell!' or 'Gay girls burn!'... whatever works for you."

In school, Kim tries out what works for her; she stands repeating "Sugar is bad for me" under her breath, as Sugar approaches. Sugar is all smiles, asking if she's come down yet, and, when Kim ignores her to continue her mantra, assumes she hasn't. Kim continues muttering "Sugar is bad for me, Sugar is bad for me", so Sugar leaves with raised eyebrows and says "O-K, then. Seeya later. Go see a doctor." KimVo announces "Success! I passed the test! Beat my demons", as Kim watches Sugar climbing the stairs and drools. "If only I hadn't looked back. But what do you expect? I was from a family of delusional saddos."

Which rather lamely segues us to the Daniels family, whole again, eating dinner. NathanBot parrots "This is nice, isn't it? All of us together, a family again." Stella asks Kim "How was school? And Sugar, how's she?" Which gets a whoosh zoom on Kim, and a little flashback of Kim at school, repeating the mantra.

And then we're back to the GiD meeting, where GiDeon reveals Step 2: "Crowd out sexual thoughts with pleasant images of nature."

Cut to Kim on a beach, eyes shut, taking in the sea-breeze. Well, OK, she's recently moved to the seaside from London, so I guess I can allow that she'd still find it pleasant. But she keeps crowding out the nature with pleasant images of making out with Sugar, so Step 2 is not going so well. She twitches and slaps herself, trying to block them out, which gets a passing couple to stare, but does nothing actually helpful.

In her room, Kim's practicing bad dental hygeine again. Quick shot of GiDeon with Step 3: "Maintain a chaste lifestyle." Kim throws her electric toothbrush out of the window, and there's a faint sound of a cat screeching at this, which is a nice little detail. And back to GiDeon with Step 4: "As homosexuality is invariably caused by rejection by a same sex parent," ROFLMAO and such, "We have to try and heal rifts." Awesome.

KimVo tells us she might have known it was all Stella's fault, and Kim finds Stella in the living room, rolling a cigarette. Kim offers to do it for her. So, uh, rifts healed, I guess. That was a tough one.

Step 5, and the camp gesturing goes into overdrive for this one: "Hang out with like minded people!" So, the GiDs stand around outside uncomfortably, drinking orange juice. The black haired girl, who is Scottish, for future reference, offers "I go to the cinema a lot". Kim tries to act interested in this banality and asks what kind of films she likes. "Comedies." Uncomfortable pause. "Or anything with Jodie Foster in." Kim is all animatedly "Me too! I love her!", and they have a little giggly bonding moment until they realise they're being a little too interested now, and awkwardly turn away from each other. Hee!

Finally, Step 6: "Read The Bible, and be sure to pray." Kim's very pious prayer that night: "Dear God, please help me stop perving over Sugar and find a fit guy to perv over instead, or, if it turns out you're OK with the whole same sex thing, stop Sugar messing me about, and help her find her way into my bed." Fantastic.

In bed, Nathan's asking Stella "Why did you come back?" You'd think he'd sort things like that out before letting her start sleeping in the same bed, but apparently not. Stella has no decent answer, so she pretends to be asleep. Nathan exasperatedly rolls out of bed and sits up looking away from her. Stella cries quietly in the corner.

Next day, Kim's at another GiD meeting. GiDeon reads passages from The Bible about the wrath of God, and Kim and Hot Scot are clearly too busy unconvincingly attempting to hide the fact that they're checking each other out some more to actually pay attention to him. I feel that this is ample justification for me to do the same. Hot Scot silently yawns and stretches in a way that quite deliberately shows off her stomach and breasts, and damn, there is nothing about this plotline that I don't love. KimVo, totally in denial, claims "Woah. I had a Sugar thing, not a girl thing." and quickly flees the church, as the GiDs watch in confusion.

On the beach, Kim is "trying a few steps of [her] own, like 'drown suspicions of gaydom in a vat of alcohol'". At The Pyjama Party (Huzzah, I get to use the stupid nickname!), Kim tries KimVo step 2: "Hang out with a bunch of neandterthals". The barman refuses to serve her, as she's underage, so one of said neandterthals offers to get it for her. Well, 'neanderthal' is perhaps a little harsh, Kim, he seems like a nice guy. Kim thanks him and gives a flirtatious smile. Kim does some shots and gets quite drunk, then starts playing pool while the friendly neanderthal gropes her. Kim pots a ball successfully and starts making out with him while the other neanderthals give wolf whistles and such.

In the living room, Stella smokes, and Nathan forgives her. Stella tells him to stop being so nice. What a long scene that was.

Friendly Neanderthal now has Kim in the toilets, and Kim is perhaps having second thoughts as he starts undressing her and himself. But he's having trouble performing, and apologises to her. Kim sees the feet she and Sugar drew on the wall way back in the first episode and starts crying. The continuity fairy is working overtime on this one. Friendly Neanderthal tells her it's not her fault, and asks what's wrong, but Kim doesn't answer and just keeps crying and he gets spooked and runs, shouting "I didn't do anything, alright? I didn't do anything!" Well, I guess he's kind of an idiot, but Kim hardly put him in an easy situation there.

Next morning, Kim's looking a little rough, though nothing like last week, and KimVo's being all wordy: "I was a hermetically sealed medical freak. Undoubted lesbian, proficient at pool, but worse, much worse, completely unable to stop thinking about Sugar."

In their room, Stella watches Nathan unpack her stuff and sits smoking and insulting him. Nice. Apparently, it's his fault she had an affair. Nathan, being a total doormat, does not kick her arse right back out the door, but instead accepts this and says "I'll change." Good lord, Nathan, you need to find a spine. Stella tells him "Don't change, just chill out. Be a bit more spontaneous", which WOULD BE A CHANGE, idiot. GOD.

Outside, Tom's spotted Kim in the street and runs up to her, then pretends he was right behind her and is all "fancy seeing you here!" That will just never get young. Kim gives him a friendly "hey" and starts unburdening her familial woes on him, because apparently, since she's avoiding Sugar, she has no other friends to talk to. That just does not seem healthy. So, Kim reports that Nathan's gone in to NathanBot overdrive, and Stella's gone all quiet and friendly and asking her about her day, which Kim finds disturbiung. Tom suggests that this is what mothers are supposed to do, Kim tells him she wishes she'd stop. They arrive at their houses, and Tom says "See you then," but Kim gives just stands there, deep in thought, so he adds "Unless..." And Kim's like, "well, why not?" so they go into Tom's house.

Kim looks around Tom's room at posters and things, and is clearly thinking "these are actually quite cool", so, Tom's actually a person now. I'm so glad, honestly. Tom enters with drinks, and acts like a total dork, but Kim's finding it funny instead of rolling her eyes, so suddenly it's endearing. I don't really understand how that works so well, but in spite of all evidence against it, it seems I trust Kim's judgement. Tom attempts to juggle a couple of bottles but drops thems them on the floor, and the lids fly off, spraying the contents around the room. Kim shrieks with laughter. I'm still a little weirded out by the fact that I'm enjoying scenes with Tom.

ForniKitchen (since Stella's back again), Nathan is repeating "spontaneous" to himself, and then uses a mop as an air guitar and sings "SPON-TAN-EEEE-OOOOUSS!!" in a quite amazingly dorky way. So, remember how Kim pointed out that Sugar is a lot like Stella? It's no coincindence that this scene comes right after we've seen Tom acting like a dork, I'm sure. Nathan notices Matt watching him, and embarrassedly starts mopping the floor.

KimVo tells us "It's good to talk, not matter how economical you are with the truth," and Kim's telling Tom a highly edited version of her encounter with Friendly Neanderthal; "He couldn't get it up! He got me there under false pretences." Tom suggests this would make him a "twat-tease", They both laugh, and Kim says "I didn't even fancy him," and Tom rather pointedly says "Well, you wouldn't, would you?" Kim claims that she is not gay, and was telling Sugar she loved her as a joke. Tom is clearly unconvinced, but plays along. When the hell did he suddenly become so cool? Kim teasingly says "Anyway, you love Sugar more than me," and Tom embarrassedly confesses "As we're talking sexual disasters..." Kim laughs, and admits that Sugar told her already. Tom isn't finding this one so funny, but, well, he brought it up. There's a slight pause, and then Tom emos "I'm going to be a virgin forever", and that's the moment that what follows becomes completely inevitable, because now Kim really gets him. Kim wraps an arm around him and kisses him on the forehead. Tom gives a little snort and shakes his head, then looks her in the eyes, and they kiss. There's some camera spinning here, if you're keeping track.

ForniKitchen, Nathan leads Stella in with his hand over her eyes. He's prepared a large rasberry pudding. "I thought we'd skip dinner and go straight to the fun part." Stella earnestly tells him she appreciates his efforts, but "when do I ever eat puddings?" Nathan tells her it always used to be her favourite part of the meal, and Stella dips a finger in, but Nathan grabs her hand and eats the pudding off it himself before she can, jokingly claiming "I thought you didn't want any". Nathan has clearly passed Stella's spontenaity test, and they soon start grabbing handfuls of pudding and slopping it all over themselves and such.

Bloc Party, "Helicopter". Perfect choice for this. Tom and Kim are frantically undressing each other. Tom asks if Kim's sure she wants to do this, she assures him she is. KimVo says "It was nice. Tom was nice. Of course, it was a whole lot nicer when I..." and Kim closes her eyes and pretends he's Sugar. Music turns into ambienty stuff, and Sugar and Kim slowly kiss, then back to Bloc Party and the frantic reality.

Back to the ForniKitchen, Nathan and Stella are being equally frantic, and also throwing pudding at each other, until Stella starts choking on it. Nathan attempts to give her the Heimlich and manages to crack a rib, then totally cracks me up by telling her "Don't die!" in the manner of someone saying "Stay put!" or whatever. Stella actually has to point at the phone before it occurs to him to do anything other than stand around panicking uselessly, like, say, calling an ambulance. "So, that was sex." KimVo muses cheerily.

Tom and Kim huddle post-coitally, and a little of the old, not suddenly-way-awesome Tom creeps in as he says "Guess you're not gay after all...". I'll allow him that. Kim freaks slightly and tells him she has to go, claiming to have homework to do, and Tom goes back to coolness by totally understanding and giving her a sincere "Thank you." as she leaves. He knows.

KimVo's giving the usual "No shooting stars, no veil falling" and so on speech. "No different." She leaves to find Stella being carted into an ambulance, which she's obviously a little taken aback by. Nathan is totally freaking out, still, and one of the interchangable gay neighbours that I don't think we've seen since the first episode has inherited some of his son's sudden coolness and offers some comfort to Kim, and asks if she'll be alright with Matt. She airily says "Yeah, sure", and the other interchangable gay neighbour is being cool too, offering to go with Nathan on the ambulance, but he's purportedly fine on his own too.

Kim goes in, and finds Matt on the table on his hands and knees, eating the remains of the deadly pudding like a dog. Kim goes up to her room, where Sugar's lying on her bed. Kim wants to know why she's there, Sugar tells her she came with a bottle of whisky stolen from her mother to cheer Kim up, but Kim wasn't there, so she drank it all herself. Kim passive-aggressives "Right, so you can go then." Sugar is completely perplexed that Kim is angry at her; "We were on E, it's no big deal!" which is not any kind of defence with all the hand-hloding and such that went on before you took it, Sugar. Kim angrily tells her "It was a big deal to me!" and Sugar gets totally bitchy and sarcastic. "What do you want me to do, ask you out? Hold your hand in the playground?" Well, Sugar, considering that's pretty much EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, Kim's kind of winning this one. Kim tells her to just go, but Sugar carries on, lying back on Kim's bed seductively and taunting "Why, isn't this where you want me?" Kim continues to be angry, and Sugar finally gets bored and leaves, giving her a kiss like Angelus kissing Buffy in "Innocence" on the way out. Bitch. "Bitch," KimVo agrees. "Always has to have the last word."

And it's time for a closing KimVo to tie disparate plotlines together, and she does a good job today. Church of GiDdiness, GiDeon tells the assembled GiDs to stand and hold hands for the Lord's prayer. "Powerful thing, self-belief," KimVo says, and there's a shot of Tom dancing dorkily in underwear and sunglasses. "A sudden surge is transforming. The possession of it, or impression of it, has a hold over others." Sugar smiles deviously in a nightclub. "But when it goes, what's left?" Nathan stares miserably at the pudding dish. "And just a little can make you take a chance." While the other GiDs close their eyes and recite the prayer, Kim just watches Hot Scot and smiles, and Hot Scot returns it. "The lord does move in mysterious ways."