Gender Bombs

Sugar Rush 2x03 - "Cock And Bull Stories"

Episode grade: B+


Previously: Saint is pretty awesome! And Sugar is still wasting away in prison, sigh.

Now, Kim is hanging around the Munch Box, playing with a whip and grinning mischeviously. That is certainly a good way to get my attention focused on this episode right away. KimVo proudly proclaims "It's been 48 hours, and I still haven't fucked it up yet." Kim should totally get one of those "[37] days since employee death" signs. "[02] days since I last sabotaged my own happiness for some stupid reason." Or just "[2] days", because she really would never need the second digit. "I'd already negotiated the most difficult question of any new relationship," KimVo continues; said question turns out to be, apparently, "lesbian outhouse or multiplex?" Right. Kim chose the worng answer, because the film they ended up seeing was reportedly awful, but that really doesn't make it the wrong answer as far as I can see. KimVo slightly awkwardly exposits that she and Saint haven't slept together yet, like DUH, that is obviously going to happen onscreen. Or, like, just to the side of the screen or onscreen but really, really blurry, or whatever way they decide to make it tasteful. You know, as this show goes, anyway. Kim's rather apprehensive about that subject right now, because "satisfying the girl who works in a sex shop was a frightening prospect." And she's been invited to Saint's place (which turns out to be right above the Munch Box) for lunch, "whatever that means." Kim whips her own hand rather too hard and winces in pain, but Saint's too busy serving a customer to see. Nonetheless, KimVo expresses concern about her inexperience with any of the crap that Saint sells, and we get a little Kim Fantasy Theatre for old times' sake; Saint's all decked up in crazy bordello gear and babbles something about black cherries and clit pumps and whatever, Kim looks positively terrified.

Record scratch back to reality; Saint, all decked up in normal people clothes, asks if she wants tuna or ham in her sandwiches; Kim picks tuna. (Hee hee. Subtle.) Kim makes a fairly lame attempt at small talk; "So, it must be convenient living here. You don't have far to go." Saint agrees and jokes that it's also handy because she can pop upstairs for a quickie with any customers that happen to take her fancy. Kim nervously says "That wass a joke, right?", Saint quite rightly chuckles "God, you're paranoid", and then suddenly affects a face of grim seriousness and says "Maybe." Kim rabbits in the headlights some more.

Later, Kim's perched on the very edge of the sofa, ready to bolt at the slightest movement, next to Saint, who is taking a relaxed sip from a gigantic mug of tea. Seriously, it's bigger than her head. I WANT ONE. Kim suddenly blurts out "So, how d'you want to do this?" Saint gives her an eyebrow raise and grins because our Kimmy is just so damn cute when she's completely out of her element like this. Kim realises off Saint's grin that she's fucking up here, but also realises that Saint doesn't mind. Saint kindly tells her they don't have to do anything except sit there and watch TV, if she's not ready, and so that's what they do, Kim resting her head on Saint's chest adorably. Awwwwwwww. And then she slowly reaches out and brushes her hand against Saint's knee, traces it across to Saint's hand and brings that up to her own face. And then slowly, achingly slowly, glacially slowly, they turn, and kiss, and we've got the ethereal music going and all, and it's so intimate and so wonderful.

I'm going to skip ahead a little here, because I just want to keep watching this next sequence forever, and if I attempt to recap the details, I probably will. Plus there's no way I can formulate the words to do it justice, you know? So we'll just go with this; They make love. It is the best possible description of what is happening right here. "That wasn't half as scary as I thought it was going to be", Kim admits, and the two of them bask in the afterglow.

Ballymeade. Kim's come along to boast, really, but only in body language. Sugar's looking thoroughly miserable, Kim assures her, as usual, that she'll be fine, "I thought you'd be pleased to be getting out of here!" Oh, she is? That is good news! Because two episodes was about the limit for the interesting storyline prospects of Sugar in jail, really. "You don't have a fat arse, you don't have a heroin habit," Kim continues, because of course she remembers every detail of that night. Sugar complains that, on the other hand, her tits have totally given up the ghost due to lack of attention and pokes dejectedly at them in demonstration. Kim breezily tells her she's just got to chuck herself back out there, take it one day at a time, take the good with the bad, hope springs eternal, and there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and everything will work out fine in the end, so just chill. Sugar finally notices Kim's blinding luminosity and yells "You've had a shag, haven't you?" Kim instinctively denies it, Sugar declares her to be extremely obvious and suddenly grabs her hand, demanding to smell her fingers. Um. Kim jerks away and then relents and stops trying to hide the glow. Sugar, a little bit too casually, asks "What's this one like then, you serious about her?" Kim, a lot more convincingly than usual, lies that she is just "picking them up, moving on." I know you don't want to hurt Sugar's feelings and all, Kim, which of course it would, even if she'd never admit it, and plus you are something of a pathological liar, but that's not really going to fly once Sugar is out of prison and totally able to observe with her own eyes that you are totally crazy about this Saint chick.

Anyway, now we are flashing back to some more post-coital serenity. Kim absently traces her finger over Saint's tattoos and asks her how many people she's had up here. "Only you," Saint says earnestly. "Or 365." Kim's all faux-haughtily "Oh, so it's like that then", and then Saint admits that neither is true, "but at the moment? Only you." And if you have read this and you have read this, then you can probably imagine the expression on my face right now. It is, in fact, remarkably similar to the one that Kim is sporting right now. Saint adds "I don't do this all the time, you know", Kim replies that she certainly doesn't, "Only twice, in fact." "Anna and...?" Aw, shit, I was getting tto caught up in the moment, and totally failed to realise that Kim hasn't even STARTED on that whole minefield yet. I'm worried. Don't let me down, Kim! Kim says "Oh, nobody you know." OK, that's fair enough, I guess. "Sugar," Kim continues, and then sort of shrugs her face and LIES "Don't really see her any more." She's definitely getting better at lying; there is a little telltale twitching and looking away, but that could easily be taken as simple nostalgia for her first time. Also, it looks like we're well on the way to setting that counter back to [0], guys!

Speaking of conversational minefields, let's head on back to Ballymeade and see what those two crazy kids are up to now! Smoking. Tut tut. Also, Sugar puts on her full bravado about how wonderful it is that Kim is "getting [her] end away", because it stops her mooning after Sugar so much and they can still totally be BFFs. Which Sugar is in dire need of, given that Kim is the only person who has ever visited her for her entire 18 month sentence. Kim brushes that off with a dismissive "That's not true", and Sugar doesn't even bother to argue, but, I mean, what if it is? Put yourself in Sugar's shoes there; that is going to affect you. Sugar, as lightly, casually as she can manage, tells Kim that as she clearly enjoys seeing so much of Sugar while she's in the slammer, she won't mind seeing more of her once she's out. Kim agrees without a moment's hesitation, obviously, and Sugar, tacitly acting like Kim hass already agreed to it, asks "So, can I stay then?"

So many masks being worn all over the place; Sugar's got the one she almost never takes off, and then this much more awkward one right here trying to pretend that Kim hasn't become the whole world to her. Kim's got her quiet desperation to keep Sugar and the past well away from Saint and the future. She doesn't realise it on a conscious level, but Kim really, really isn't happy about Sugar being released. Saint's got all her little teasing jokes with Kim and... well, we don't know her well enough to know what else. Right now, she could just as well be Beth, who never stayed around long enough for the cracks to show, but from the words "Sarah Jane Potts" written in the opening credits we know that Saint's in for the long haul, and something is going to give, very soon.

"So, can I stay then?" So many masks being shed right now, while Kim and Sugar stare into each other's eyes, daring the other to look away. Sugar ups the ante; "I haven't got anywhere else to go, Kizz", and that is enough to make Kim fold. "You know, that might be a bit difficult," she admits. Sugar quite ludicrously asks if Nathan is the cause of this difficulty, like he'd ever take enough of a hardline stance to cause a difficulty in this scenario. Also, we're getting close to the halfway point of this episode, and Stella and Nathan have not appeared yet, and I only just noticed. That is how much I am watching this show for their storylines. Kim shakes her head, and Sugar laughs "You then?" Kim just stares, unable to come up with the words. It's exactly like the time she finally came out to Sugar. Another staring contest ensues, and Sugar folds first this time; "It's alright, uh, Karen's getting out this week too, I can just kip with her." Kim smiles thankfully.

And heeeeeere's Nathan with the ironic juxtaposition! "So, does Sugar have any special dietary requirements?" Does she like tuna or ham, is what he is really asking. Matt deadpans "She only eats cock" and Stella giggles. Go away, Matt, you're ruining the subtlety. Kim complains that she hasn't actually agreed to let Sugar stay, but there's a telling "yet" on the end of that sentence. Nathan asks if she doesn't think it's a bit harsh, "dumping her when she needs you the most". Kim tells him that she's not dumping, she's just "taking a back seat for a while." Nathan's all "Does she have anywhere else to go?", Kim rants that it's Sugar's own fault that she's in prison and storms out. "If only she could have stayed in there another couple of months," KimVo sighs, so I guess I was way off the mark with that whole "doesn't realise it on a conscious level" thing. Huh.

CC! You set the fire in me! Kim watches Saint doing her DJ thang and rockin' her signature beret. Anna appears to once again personify Kim's paranoia. Dammit, I could have sworn we were shot of her already. Grrrr. So, she tries to make Kim worry that Saint is actually something of a ham fan, with the usual "Oh, I'm sorry, I'd have thought she'd have told you by now" bullshit, to which Kim fantastically responds "I think she was too busy telling me she wanted to fuck me." Hell yeah! Anna stalks off into the shadows, and this time it's the last we'll see of her, OK. I'm sure of it. Outside, Saint tells Kim she has an early start tomorrow, "but I'll give you a call, yeah?" They kiss, and Saint wishes her sweet dreams. "Never been sweeter," KimVo grins. Right on!

Next morning, Kim's walking down the street, carrying two cups of coffee, being obnoxiously cheerful to random strangers. I don't remember the last time we saw her this happy, so of course everything's about to come crashing down very soon, just like it always does. But first Kim's got to spread the happiness around as much as she can. She's so selfless like that. So, Sugar is indeed going to be staying at Kim's, and we all know that's going to be crazy awesome. And as soon as Kim has announced her relentment, Sugar's mask of bravado comes straight back on and she's making demands, because this means she's in charge of the situation again; "You'll pick me up, in a car that is, and I'm not going down on you, alright?" KimVo gives herself the appropriate deathblow as she enters the house above the Munch Box; "I'd found the perfect girlfriend." So of course, the door is opened by some sweaty dude in a white t-shirt. He and Kim stare in confusion, Saint appears, equally sweaty, and in the process of either removing or putting on a jumper. She and Sweaty Dude share a significant glance, then burst into a fit of giggles. Kim does not share their mirth.

Later, we've got Nouvelle Vague, who have their music all over this show, doing their version of the Buzzcocks' "Ever Fallen In Love?", which is really quite an amazing cover. Kim's down at the pier, throwing balls at tin cans with extreme prejudice, while KimVo announces that she is "sure there was a perfectly reasonable explanation for why they were both semi-naked [that's... really stretching the truth, honestly], soaking wet, giggling like idiots." Which you apparently didn't try, y'know, actually asking for. Honestly, Kim, sometimes I think you kind of deserve all the shit that routinely gets heaped all over you. "Surely I hadn't found myself another Sugar," KimVo moans, as stupid Anna's stupid words echo in her mind. Back at the Upper Munch Box, Saint introduces Sweaty Dude as Mark, and he explains that he was "just fixing the boiler", to which Saint playfully hits him and says "Yeah, right!", adds "he's an old friend" and starts giggling again. OK, even if Kim's totally got the wrong end of the stick, you're being kind of cruel to her here. Don't tell me you haven't noticed that stony expression on her face.

On the beach now, Saint comes over to smooth things over with Kim, finally, while Mark goes off to get get drinks for Kim and "Sarah". Saint asks what the problem is, exactly, and Kim, realising it all sounds pretty stupid and petty while she's saying it, but careening onwards to the end of the sentence anyway explains; "I didn't know you had an ex. Well, no, I assumed you would have an ex, but I thought maybe he would be a she. I didn't know you were called Sarah, either." Saint apologises for not telling Kim what was going on earlier, but tells her she and Mark were never serious, and they haven't seen each other in ages, "but I didn't know who else to call". To fix your boiler? Try the Yellow Pages, dear. Yeah, there's something decidedly suspicious about that, I must admit. Also, as Kim observes on his return; Mark has the same dotted swastika tattoo as Saint. "'Never serious', my arse", are Kimvo's words, and I think that sums it up pretty well.

"So, Kim, you're a student?" says Mark on his return, trying to warm up the icy chill in the air. Kim tries hard to mask her anger and disdain as she responds "And you're a plumber." Mark corrects her; he's actually an architect, and asks which university she's at. Saint corrects him; "Actually, Kim's still doing her A levels". Mark's all "Oh, that's when I met Sarah, at sixth form college!" and the two of them start bantering about The Good Old Days, until Saint notices Kim's discomfort. In her crazy obsessive jealous fantasy world, Kim throws her coke in Mark's face; in the real world, she asks him to pass her a straw, while KimVo hilariously rants "He was a proper adult, with a proper job, and a proper penis. Let's face it, I couldn't compete." Let's not be hasty, now. Kim and Mark shake hands and affirm that it was nice meeting each other, though KimVo does not share the sentiment. Saint tells Kim "I'll see you later", Kim gets all upset because she thought she was supposed to have a monopoly on Saint's time today, Saint says "I can't just drag him all the way out here and then desert him!" And, once again; if you had to "drag him all the way out here", then... well, the guy's got to have some seriously impressive skills at fixing boilers, that's all I'm saying. Saint assures Kim that she'll get Saint all to herself later and then departs. KimVo worries about "how long it would be before she missed men. How long it would be before she missed..."

"COCK!" Sugar continues, still in ol' Ballymeade, of course. "That's what it comes down to, isn't it? Plus, this whole lesbian thing's not really natural. Even cavemen know that if you wanna get a fire going? You need a stick, and a hole." You know, I'm pretty sure that rubbing two sticks together is supposed to be just as effective, actually. "I mean, I suppose it's alright to experiment, like I did with you, and you did with Tom, but you can't swing both ways forever, you've gotta land somewhere." So, why are we assuming that Saint hasn't already landed the same way as Kim, exactly? "And trust me, once you've had a nice, hard cock, there's no way you want to stick your lips around a load of fish. Fish, with toilet paper stuck to it. Eugggh." I don't think there's really much I can say to all that.

"Talking of being mad for cock, Stella was meeting our new neighbours." Oh, how I've missed those glorious segues. So, new neighbour is a fitness instructor named Ted (and his wife, and who knows what the hell her name is, but she doesn't have a proper penis, so why would we care?). Stella flirts away, Nathan looks on, trying to trust, but probably not succeeding.

"Some women just can't help themselves," KimV(em)o continues, "sometimes life seems to give you everything just so it can take it away again." KIM! Don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself; either accept the explanation Saint has given you, and be happy, or don't, explain why not, and demand a better one. It's not that hard, c'mon. There's a knock at the door, Kim says "Hi, dad", and, on his questioning, explains that she knew it was him because no one else knocks. I like that. They both lie to each other that they are totally fine and have not a care in the world, and then Kim roundaboutly asks for his advice, which he gives; "In the end, love is about sticking your neck on the line, knowing that it's probably going to get chopped off." Well, that is pretty much exactly the answer I would expect out of Nathan.

"So there I was. Sticking my neck on the line again." Saint and Kim are sharing another tender moment in bed; Saint gives Kim a present. Aaaand... it's a strap-on. Well, that's a fantastically stupid way of reaffirming Kim's penis envy.

Meanwhile, back at Manse Daniels, Nathan passive-agressives "The new neighbours seem nice, don't they?" Stella disinterestedly says "Yeah, I suppose," Nathan belabours the point as much as possible before finally coming right out and saying "You were kind of flirting with him. Do you have to do that?" Stella assures him, dripping with fake sincerity, that she is "with you, and only you, OK? You're just going to have to trust me." Nathan sighs and sticks his neck on the line, again.

Kim yawns and stretches in Saint's bed, and then hears the door closing and gets out of bed. "You'd better be making me breakfast, and you'd better be bringing it back to bed," she says, having apparently put all the doubts out of her head again, so of course it turns out to be Mark who just walked in. He explains that he came back to check the boiler, Kim hysterically rants "There's nothing wrong with the bloody boiler! Hey, would I be standing here in my underwear if I was cold?" Mark, at this, fully takes in the fact that Kim is indeed standing there in her underwear, looking... not cold. Awkward. She asks how he got in; he has his own set of keys. Naturally.

So, Kim storms into the Munch Box, where Saint is idly flicking through a book, and informs her that "this isn't funny any more." Saint denies Kim's accusations that she is still sleeping with Mark, which sends Kim off on a totally insane tirade. "You're not a lesbian at all! You're addicted to cock! And this is all just one big cover up for the customers. 'Oh, of course I'm gay, you bunch of sad, dried up old queers!'" She grabs a huge rubber cock for emphasis. "'Please buy my dildos!'" Saint just glances over at a couple of sad, dried up old queers who have been in the shop the whole time, and do not look particularly impressed; Kim gives an embarrassed "Hi, there" and storms outside, where she gets funny looks on account of the fact that she is still holding her emphatic dildo.

Ever fallen in love with someone, ever fallen in love, in love with someone, ever fallen in love? In love with someone you shouldn't've fallen in love with? Manse Daniels. Nathan appears to be helping Matt with some maths homework. Kim marches in, slams the cock down on the table in front of them, yells "Don't ask!" and stomps upstairs. Matt inspects it curiously for a while and then asks "Is it supposed to be that big?" Nathan mutters "Hope not, Matt. Hope not." then gets back to what he was doing. Hee.

Kim sits in her room, dejectedly. There's a knock at the door, and she yells "No, I don't want to explain to you how to use it, and no, you can't use it on Stella." It... doesn't seem like the kind of thing that require a great deal of explanation, as far as I can see. But, anyway, Saint asks "Who's Stella?", for it is she who is at the door. Jump forward in time what can't be more than a few seconds, for some unknown reason; Saint is now sitting on Kim's bed beside her. Kim admits that she might have said a few things that were slightly out of order, and yes, that includes the part where she accused Saint of pretending to be a lesbian. "He's clearly still in love with you," Kim pouts, which is pretty much one of those "I cannot comprehend other people believing something different to what I believe" things, because he really, really isn't. Saint tells Kim that there's plenty of stuff she doesn't know about, either, and they both agree that they are having a good time together and Kim really ought to stop worrying.

But then it's time for one of the things Saint doesn't know about to rear it's ugly head; a parole officer or whatever is here to confirm things about the living arrangements with Sugar; "I understand she'll be sharing a room with you, Kim?" Saint overhears, and quite reasonably objects to Kim's massive hypocrisy vis á vis exes and how much they are allowed to continue to be a part of one's life, and doesn't bother to stick around to hear an explanation. Not that Kim has anything much to say in her defence, of course.

Ballymeade. I don't really know why that wasn't the end of the episode right there, it would make far more sense from a storytelling perspective, the way I see it. But any way, Sugar is excited at the prospect of being out on the town once more, Kim does not even vaguely try to display enthusiasm or even pay attention to Sugar. Sugar figures that the whole "Picking them up and moving on" thing was pretty much a barefaced lie, and gently broaches this topic. Well, for Sugar, anyway. Kim admits that that is not so much the case, Sugar points out that if Saint cares so much about who will be in Kim's bedroom, it means that... well, she cares. That's gotta be something.

Sugar packs up her stuff to get out of jail (finally), including photographs, of which Kim appears to be present in every single one (aw, yeah). "Sugar had finally served her time," KimVo concludes, "but my punishment was just beginning." Is this going to be kinky? I get the feeling this is going to be kinky. "Repeat after me: 'I am a hypocritical cow'". Saint's god the riding crop out. It is going to be kinky. Kim repeats, and Saint goes on "'who must learn to trust her girlfriend'". Kim, sounding rather pleased with herself, repeats that last word in a questioning tone. Saint immediately wheels around and glares at her; Kim hurriedly agrees that she will indeed do that thing, very much so, ma'am, and then asks if the trust is reciperocated. Saint just reminds her that she is letting Sugar stay in Kim's room, which leads Kim to recall an important thing she was supposed to be doing right about now. Saint asks if she has to go; Kim, who we can now see is handcuffed to the chair she is sitting on, points out that she is fairly incapable of doing so right now, and they both giggle.

Cut to Sugar, standing outside the prison in the cold, cursing Kim's name. And that's a wrap.

I Believe In Symmetry

Sugar Rush 2x02 - "One Way Or Another"

Episode Grade: B


KimVo gives us the lowdown on what happened last time, in case you missed it: "while Sugar was in the slammer, I had a run-in with an older woman, who initiated me in all things lesbian. Psycho bitch. But that's OK, because I met this girl..." And credits.

Return to... more KimVo giving the lowdown on what happened last time. "The way I see it, there are two types of women; manipulative bitches..." At which point we transition from scenes from the previous episode to new footage and discover that this is in fact not KimVo, but Actual Kim, reading out an essay in college. She continues "...and those of us stupid enough to be taken in by them. The fact is, feminism got it wrong. It's women who are the bastards, not men", the rest of the class give her strange looks and the professor incredulously asks if she actually even read the book that essay was supposed to be about. As Kim returns to her seat, she accidentally knocks her pile of books and stuff on the floor, and among that pile is the napkin with Saint's number written on in lipstick. The girl sitting next to Kim hands it to her and gawks quite openly at her, and let's take a moment to marvel at how horrible this girl's sweater is. Oh my. She is also wearing thick glasses, so this is all pretty clearly an attempt to make someone who is actually probably pretty good looking appear hideous, in the finest TV tradition. They have pretty much gone way overboard with it, I must say. Except her hair, which looks exactly like Kim's has done in the past, I think; this is by no means an accident.

Anyway, that's rather a lot of words for someone who is only on screen for, like, two seconds in ths scene, so let's move on; flashback to Saint giving Kim her number. Again. But, you know, that scene is obviously going to be weighing on Kim's mind pretty heavily, and since we are sort of watching from inside her head, I san't complain too much. KimVo informs us that it's been ten hours since then, and we get another flashback to a few seconds, possibly minutes after Kim bumped into Saint, and she has already caved to her desire to call that lipstick number. Going from 'reasonably casual' to 'extremely desperate' in five seconds: "Hi, this is Kim. I know we only just spoke, but I thought, there's no point in beating around the bush, and all that. So... I just was wondering if you wanted to meet on Friday. That's the day after tomorrow. Yeah. Friday. Um... Give me a call. Bye." Oh, Kim.

Back to the present; Kim's leaving college, KimVo frets that it's been "nine hours and eighteen minutes" since she made that call, and she's still heard nothing back. "Call me paranoid," KimVo muses, (and I'm afraid I must cop to that request; Kim, you're paranoid.) "But if you want to talk to someone, you'll find a way." She's fortunately interrupted from all this paranoia by the NEEEEEEEERD girl running up behind her all butt-monkey Tom-like. NEEEEEEEERD introduces herself, with much off-putting nervous laughter, as Melissa, and manages to simultaneously bray like a donkey and... "joke", I guess, "You probably don't recognise me without the desk!" which is as impressive as it is terrifying. Kim gives her a blank stare as she babbles on and on about how interestin', yet terrible and wrong Kim's speech was and how opinionated Melissa is about Chaucer and Hardy and so on and so forth, and Kim eventually interrupts to give a bemused "Maybe some other time," and leaves Melissa staring wistfully after her.

KimVo unnecessarily tells us that, of the two types of women, she tends to be the type that falls for the manipulative bitches. I think anyone could figure that out by watching any arbitrary ten second segment of the show. She is, of course, segueing us into a visit to Sugar, who makes a big and not remotely convincing show of being terribly distraught tightly embracing Kim as she enters, which is a poorly orchestrated attempt to hide the transfer of a bag of marijuana from Kim's cleavage to her own from the guards. I guess they're hoping the guards might just think they're giving each other some good old fashioned fondlin', given the regularity of Kim's visits and what they were doing when they first got arrested. Transaction complete, Sugar immediately reverts to the usual tough girl persona, Kim settles down to update her on the Saint situation. Well, that made all the consipicuous fondling many times more conspicuous. Sugar tells Kim she's going to come off as a desperate nutcase and makes her vow not to call Saint again, which she reluctantly does. Sugar takes a long critical look down her own top, just in case they hadn't made the drug smuggling obvious enough to the guards yet, and tells Kim "It's a bit small, I did ask for a quarter." Kim evasively explains "As you said, I need to chill", and Sugar gapes at the audacity of this.

Kim sits on a seafront bench, uh, chilling, and KimVo, not chilled, worries that Sugar is right and Saint will think she is a "fucking nutter". She bemoans her vow not to call so more and then decides that no one said anything about texting, and gets out her phone. She gets as far as typing "Soz for fucking nut" before Melissa appears out of nowhere and startles her into accidentally pressing 'Send'. Wacky, wacky hijinks. Melissa babbles about whatever books she is carrying and how difficult it will be to get it all into an essay by next class, Kim's eye glaze over and she vaguely asks "Essay...?" Olivia's giving good "chilled" here. By the way, I think she is a good actress. Just in case I hadn't mentioned that. Melissa reminds Kim of the details of their essay and invites her over to her place to work on it, to which invitation Kim does not RSVP, or at least not yet.

Meanwhile, Nathan's telling the sex therapist about how he and Stella walked in on Kim being a naughty, naughty girl. Stella complains that she doesn't see what this has to do with anything, the therapist clichés "How did that make you feel?" It made Nathan feel small and threatened and pathetic. That is certainly a big change from the status quo. The therapist explains to Stella that she is making Nathan feel inadequate, and thus rendering him unable to satisfy her appetites, which makes her put more pressure on him in a "negative feedback loop that basically leaves him impotent and destroys your sex lives." She then asks Nathan frankly when the last time he took a really good look at his penis was, and suggests that maybe it is not so small, it just looks that way when compared to Stella's gargantuan vagina. This is the kind of work that you have to take pride in. The varying levels of freak-outedness on Stella and Nathan's faces throughout all this are pretty awesome, by the way.

Outside, Nathan's all upset about something, Stella tries to assure him that, given the circumstances, it's really not a big deal that he couldn't get an erection. In hushed tones, Nathan moans "I was under the national average!", Stella continues attempting to persuade him that he's making a big deal out of something totally insignificant. So to speak. And then she starts pawing at his crotch right there in public and insisting that if they can just "coax out Mr. Perky", everything will be right as rain. Look, if I have to hear that, you do too. Nathan complains that she's not listened to a word he's said, and Stella retorts that she's really getting bored of his unwillingness to jump back into bed with her after her massive betrayal of trust and undermining of everything they'd worked for in 15 years of marriage. And so the negative feedback loop continues! I've got some negative feedback for you vis á vis Stella and Nathan's storyline, but I guess I'll save it for later in the season when the writers' inability to find something believable and/or interesting for them to do really becomes obvious. Aside from that sentence, of course.

In her room, Kim's doing her essay, so I guess she didn't take Melissa up on her invitation. Shocker! Stella stomps past and announces that Kim is lucky to be a lesbian, which Kim raises an eyebrow at, and KimVo informs us that the homework is really a front for continuing to obssess some more about Saint. She stares forlornly at the "Soz for fucking nut" sitting in her outbox and insists to herself that she isn't going to call or text again, because she doesn't want to "come off as a Melissa". Really though, Kim, I don't think an explanatory message for the first one (or at least a resend of what you were originally planning to say) would cause any more damage than has already been done. Anyway, Kim notices her CC flyer and hatches a Cunning Plan.

CC. KimVo reassures us/herself that stalking really isn't her style, despite quite some evidence to suggest otherwise. While she's busy totally not stalking Saint, honest, she runs into Anna, who bitchily taunts Kim about being on her own again and introduces her newest victim, Etty, who looks a lot like Beth, and oh man, I get sad just thinking about her. She's a little younger, as of course she would be, given Anna's creepy predelictions. And not as hot, of course, because, man, who is. Anyway, Anna tells Etty that Kim is "an old friend", to which Kim snarks "Comparitively." Ha! That's my girl. Anna, obviously worried that conversation will continue along those lines, sends Etty off to buy a bottle of champagne, and then tells Kim to stop following her, it's over. Kim looks moodily in Saint's direction, and KimVo declares that "Anna was right, I was behaving like a prat." I'll take the second half, at least. Kim's outside, doing the classic lean over the edge of the pier, staring into the vast depths of the ocean and reflecting on the meaning of life and what have you. KimVo stupidly Murphys herself asking "Could life get any shittier?", and so she recieves both a literal and a figurative answer, as a fucking seagull craps on her shoulder, and Saint sends her a text saying simply "Can't do Friday. Soz". That's a little excessive, universe!

Of course, we head immediately to Ballymeade for Kim to get in some good moaning about the sorry state of her life to the convicted felon. Sugar overshadows her pain by telling Kim that her release date might get put back, thanks to their decidely conspicuous drug smuggling operation earlier. So she's off to see the guvna tomorrow, and she doesn't know what the hell she's going to do, but she's sure she'll think of something. But, that's enough about Sugar's problems, Kim is of course the priority here. Sugar asks how many times she called Saint, Kim proudly tells her it was just the once, but Sugar's wise to her tricks and asks about texts as well. Kim admits to one of those and then grudgingly confesses to an attempt to bump into Saint last night as well. Sugar despairs of Kim's sanity but decides to make a good go of schooling her in the ways of Not Being A Damn Stalker anyway because, hey, it's not like she has anything better to do. So, lesson 1: "Make yourself unavailable. Get a girlfriend." Wait, but isn't that the end goal of this exercise in the first place? Oh, a fake one. Yeah, that's sure to go well. Kim scoffs at Sugar's suggestion of Melissa as the prime candidate for this role...

...And cut to Melissa appearing at Kim's door. Well, it's not like Kim could have inherited any proverbial balls from Nathan. Melissa burbles "I had to go back, I forgot my thesaurus!" God, she's annoying. I know that's sort of the point, but... God, she's annoying. Flashback to Ballymeade, Kim continues trying to convince Sugar that this is a terrible idea, noting that if the point is to make Saint think she's not desperate, associating herself in any way with Melissa is a pretty horrible way of going about it. Harsh but true. Also, Melissa is totally not going to agree to go out on a school night. Sugar ignores the first point, but tells Kim the second is easy, just invite Melissa to her place for "study", get her wasted and Bob's your uncle. "You should know, Kizza, it's always the good girls that are desperate to be shown a good time." Heh. She should know indeed. And that's apparently all it takes to persuade Kim to go through with it, because, as she so succinctly told us in the beggining of the episode, there are two types of people; the manipulative and the manipulated. Dominant and submissive. Gryffindor and Hufflepuff. That's all manner of bullshit, of course, but it works for Kim, so she's let herself be manipulated into acting as a manipulator. Fun times for all.

So, Melissa's over at her place now, and Kim tries her hardest, but an offer of a drink gets "Water would be lovely, I don't do caffeine after six." Oh dear. She gives up on that front and tries another approach; picking up a red folder and holding it in front of Melissa's face, she muses "Red is really your colour, you should wear it more often. Melissa looks confused while Kim roots through her cupboards and finds a nice slinky red dress. I think it may well be the same thing Sugar got her into back in the day, it's certainly remniscent of it, because Kim is being the Sugar to Melissa's Kim here, and it's all a wonderful representation of how far our Kimmy has come since those days. Which she certainly has, if not necessarily in the right direction. Melissa's still pretty doubtful, so Kim resorts to flattery and further callbacks to season one, and eventually gets Melissa into it.

Meanwhile, Kim is, as her VO puts it, "not the only one trying to get [her] own way", because Stella's looking to a different early episode for her inspiration and slipping Viagra into Nathan's wine. That'll end well.

Melissa's now into the dress, and Kim is surprised by just how much of an improvement this is, but I am not, because the is the way of the TV. Kim breezes that she'd better hurry up and get herself ready, Melissa is all "Ready for what?" but Kim is into her stride and reaching the level of unstoppable force. There's certainly no way Melissa is remotely prepared to resist, anyway.

Downstairs, Nathan is confused by his sudden erection, of course, Stella comes down in a nightgown to flirtily make herself a cold drink and make it worse. Things are about to get heavy when Kim and Melissa appear, Kim is not even fazed by her parents shennanigans any more, even when Nathan hastily covers his crotch with a book, which has the effect of making his erection infinitely more conspicuous than it was. And not just because he's under the national average. Ho ho. Anyway, Kim just quickly introduces Melissa, says she's heading out, and leaves them to get on with it. Which they do, "Mr. Perky's back in town" and all that. Ugh.

CC. KimVo says "I know what you're thinking, this is horrible", Melissa totally disagrees; "This is amazing!" Kim oozes a lot more confidence than I am used to seeing from her and acquires herself a nice straw hat while she's getting drinks for herself and Melissa, but belies the confidence a little with the frequency of her glances in Saint's direction. Saint is, as ever, too absorbed in her DJing to actually notice at the moment. Kim and Melissa dance, and meanwhile, Stella and Nathan fuck. A whole lot. Hoo boy.

Back at the CC, Kim's starting to get irritated by Melissa's "joined at the hip"-ness in conjunction to Kim, and shoots some more worried glances Saint's way. Saint remains completely oblivious to it all. KimVo declares that the time to make her move is upon us, and tells Melissa she's getting another drink. Melissa is too busy dancing like a spaz to even notice Kim leave, so so much for "joined at the hip", eh, KimVo? Back in the good old ForniKitchen... oh, wait, they've moved to the ForniStaircase. That one doesn't work so well. Anyway, Nathan has discovered that now that Mr. Perky is back, he doesn't intend on leaving again any time soon, thanks to Stella's ingenious Viagra plan. Well, I say 'plan'...

CC, again. Saint's at the bar now, and says hi to Kim when she appears, Kim does a pretty poor job of feigning surprise at seeing Saint (Olivia is doing a great job of doing a poor job of it though, of course. Have I oraised her yet this episode?) Saint apologises again for not being able to make Friday, and adds "I was hoping we could fix up another time, but it looks like someone beat me to it." Kim tries her hardest not to look devastated by these words. "She seems sweet," Saint adds, supressing a smile, which will make perfect sense soon enough. "Sorry. Guess I'm just bitter 'cause I missed out again." Saint ducks out of there now lest she burst out laughing, and Melissa immediately takes her place and tells Kim "No coke with the vodka. The caffeine! I'll never sleep!" Jeeee-sus. Would someone get her out of my show already? I'd be so grateful. Kim is despairing of life, as is her wont, but then she spots Anna! Standing right next to her, and yet not a sardonic comment in sight. I mean, not that you can see sardonic comments, but you know. Anyway, long (and kind of stupid) story short, Anna takes Melissa off of Kim's hands for us. The good news is, we'll never see either of those two again after this episode, and Kim can now go to Saint for tea and sympathy, thus creating a much happier Kim. These are all good things.

Outside, KimVo muses that it may have been mean of her to throw Melissa on the sword like that. Flashforward to Melissa stumbling into class late the next morning, looking extremely dishevelled. "OK, very mean," KimVo continues, but, of course, concludes "It was totally worth it." Saint appears next to Kim to note that Anna stealing her girlfriend after everything else is "pretty rough", and tell her to come along to wherever it is she's wandering.

Back at the Daniels household, Stella has now admitted to her crime, and Nathan is of course mad at her again for totally breaching his BLT. Sigh. At Ballymead, meanwhile, a fellow inmate tells Sugar to watch out, because the guvna is hanging out in her cell. In response, Sugar pulls her knickers down from under her skirt, hands them to her friend and grins a cocky grin, earning her a fairly impressed "You filthy cow." KimVo reminds again that there are two types of women, top and bottom. North and south. Chaotic evil and lawful good. And then we get to actually see Sugar seduce the guvna, which is a little unnecessary, really, but I guess that, considering her titular status (...don't even go there), Sugar is barely in the episodes as it is right now, which just reiterates the fact that, fun as her master guru act is, they really need to get her out of prison as soon as possible. But anyway, Sugar wants to know why the guvna thinks she'd do drugs when the guvna is watching, "And I know you're... watching me." The guvna is decidedly flustered, and I do not blame her, because watching Sugar uncross her legs like that was pretty much worth the price of admission.

Over to Kim's college again; Kim starts to apologise to Melissa and suggests they go for coffee, but before she can finish that thought, Melissa is apologising to her and saying "Let's just be friends, yeah?" Irony of ironies. Anyway, now that all of those many things are out of the way, we can get to the totally awesome ending. Yay!

Back to last night, Kim and Saint sit on a wall looking out to sea and drinking from glass bottles. Saint asks Kim where she met Melissa, the time for manipulation is done, so Kim answers honestly. Saint is for some reason surprised that she met her at college, and I really can't figure out why, she must have surmised by now that Kim is that young, and I can't think of any other reason for it. Saint comments that Melissa really doesn't seem like Kim's type, Kim pathetically attempts to deny this fact by listing all the things they have in common, which is exactly "literature." Saint rolls her eyes a little and then says these words right here; "You know, she could never have been your girlfriend." And then they kiss, which is all very sweet and tender and wonderful, of course, but let's just reiterate the main point here; Saint knew what Kim was doing the entire time. Saint saw the crazy hoops Kim finds it necessary to build herself and then jump through just in order to get herself into a relationship with someone who has basically stated unequivocally that they want to be in a relationship with her. And Saint found these things hilarious and endearing, and even played along for a while just for the sheer hell of it. That is awesome.

CC (You Set The Fire In Me)

Sugar Rush 2x01 - "Just Visiting"

Episode Grade: A-


This recap written with the recently acquired knowledge that Sugar Rush will not be returning for a third season. Because, according to a Channel 4 spokeswoman, "We felt the girls' story had run its course." This is clearly absolute bull, but what can you do, eh? Me, I'm going to... probably take longer than I otherwise would've to get the second season recaps done, because now I have no reason to get them all done before summer comes around. That'll show 'em!

In the first of many similarities to the pilot, no opening KimVo previouslies or anything, just straight into the credits. Which are identical to how they were in the first season, except someone called Sarah Jane Potts has been unceremoniously added, whoever that is. OK, so I'm not actually going to pretend I haven't already seen this whole season. I know who she is. She's pretty cool. We'll get to that later.

Anyway, following the credits, KimVo gets on with the business of telling the newbies what's what; "It's 18 months since I hot-wired a car, stole my mum's credit card and had hot lesbian sex with my best friend Sugar." Another pilot callback; Kim's back on her waltzer, making out with a couple of girls. "Things are going great. Really great. ...Yeah right." Fake out! She's still with her toothbrush, only by this time, it's a little worn out, and keeps cutting out on her. She beats it on the desk to get it started again, then settles back into her waltzer reverie, only to be interrupted by Stella coming in. "I was just wondering if you had any spare batteries." Kim says nothing, allowing Stella to hear the hum of vibrating plastic. Uncomfortable pause. I've missed those, you know. "...That you weren't using." Ha! Stella teases her a little then leaves to go buy some new batteries.

ForniKicthen. Nathan's doing tai chi or something, KimVo comments about how she's not the only sexually frustrated one; Stella and Nathan are back together (which I'd imagine was catalysed by Kim's brush with the law), but Nathan's holding out on her. Matt walks in for the sole purpose of showing us his new full-on goth look. Eyeliner, black lipstick, spiked collar, the works. He and Kim trade insults for a bit, then he leaves. Kim and Nathan have a pretty hilarious and perfectly delivered conversation, Kim's going out, to see "a mate", which puts Nathan in full on babble mode; "Um, so, when you say 'mate' you mean... not in the reproductive sense. I mean, obviously not, because that would be impossible." Said mate is, of course, Sugar, because as previously established, Kim doesn't actually have any other friends, bar ex-butt monkey Tom, who no longer exists. I'm going to go with "He's moved away from Brighton for some reason" to explain away that, it's both simple and plausible.

And, as KimVo explains, since the law apparently rather frowns upon stabbing people with broken bottles, and she had previous, and called the judge "a shit for brains wanker with a microscopic dick", Sugar is currently residing in Ballymead Young Offenders Institute. "Still, at least she had me, her loyal friend, to visit. Every week." Oh, Kim. Kim sits down, and Sugar, of course, gets right down to complaining; her thoroughly absent mother hasn't been visiting. "Not that I'm bothered, I just want my iPod back." Oh, and also, the person who actually does visit her doesn't even listen, because she's too busy admiring one of the other prisoners, Kim. Kim claims that of course she's listening, Sugar asks her to prove it; "What did I just say then?" "Bitch." Ha! "And?" "Fuck. Twatface." Ha ha! "FAT face, I said. 'Fuck her, fat faced bitch." Ha ha ha! Awesome. I love this show, have I mentioned that? Sugar rolls her eyes at Kim's libido, Kim gets all intense whispery telling her to keep it down, someone might hear that she's a lesbian! And wouldn't that be terrible! Sugar ignores her, of course. "The last thing I need is some fanny fiddler mooning over me." Kim indignantly claims that she is doing nothing of the sort, Sugar asks her, then, who's the last person she slept with. Winner. "Look, you better not be waiting for me," Sugar tells her. She really doesn't mean it, but that's another thing we'll be getting to later. Right now, it's been 18 months. Kim needs to get a damn life already.

But that is, of course, easier said than done. "It's just not that easy to find someone you like who finds you equally attractive," KimVo laments. Which, slightly oddly, segues us to Stella and Nathan getting sex therapy, because they might have decided to get back together for the sake of the kids, put Nathan still has quite reasonable trust issues. Is she saying they don't like each other or that they don't find each other attractive? Anyway, like everything on this show, sex therapy is hilariously awkward. The therapist gets them to hold hands, which they cautiously do, and asks how it feels, Nathan hesitantly says it's "good", the therapist politely but chidingly points out to Stella that she is "rubbing the back of [her] hand against Nathan's penis", which Stella proudly agrees that she is indeed doing. The therapist just says "B.T.T." Stella stares at her like she is speaking in tongues, but Nathan has been doing his homework; "Boundaries, Trust and Togetherness. No touching beyond the agreed zones". He gently pushes Stella's hand away. "This week," the therapist announces, "Kissing." Stella attempts to display enthusiasm and says "Ooh, where?" Therapist raises an eyebrow and says "On the lips", Stella looks bored as hell again. KimVo quips that it's a shame for Stella that the sex therapy is "all therapy, no sex." I want to know how someone becomes a sex therapist. How do you decide that what you want to do with your life is talk about BLTs and tell complete strangers how they should be approaching sex after infidelity? That is just not something I can make sense of.

Back to Kim, she gets up from the bench she's been sitting on, watching passersby in the vain hope that one of them will come up to her all "Hey, I'm a hot lesbian, you're a hot lesbian, let's have a long and happy life together." And, you know, it's a shame that kind of thing doesn't happen more often, really, isn't it? Anyway, Kim's concession towards self-actualisation, however minute, pays off immediately, because she bumps into a nice looking lady wearing a rather stylish red beret, whom we shall later learn is called 'Saint', causing her to drop her bag and spill the contents everywhere. Kim goggles at the fact that said contents are nothing but nothing but vibrators, and once she has finally managed to get over this fact, she breathes out an apology. Saint good-naturedly tells her "It was really nice to bump into you" and carries on where she was going, Kim stands totally still for a few minutes to process what just happened and then follows her to her shop, the "Munch Box", which is "Brighton's only licensed women's sex shop", according to the sign on the window. I don't know, "only"? In Brighton? Seems odd to me, but maybe it's totally accurate. KimVo, in awe and slightly terrified, says to herself "So... I could just go in there and ask her out". She manages the first part no problem, and the place appears deserted. Saint hears the door and calls out "I'll be with you in a sec" from the back room, Kim stares around with dinnerplate eyes for a while. Saint appears behind her and says "Hello, again", which startles Kim and makes her knock something off a shelf as she turns around. Saint walks behind the counter, laughing silently to herself at Kim's obvious out-of-her-depth-ness, but not in a mean way, if you know what I mean. She asks if there's anything she can do for Kim, Kim attempts to complete the second part of her mission, but totally chokes and can't get out the words, and instead just freezes, rabbit-in-headlights style, before grabbing the first thing that comes to hand and buying it.

"Vibrating love eggs," Saint says, slightly questioningly, as she rings it up. Then follows a montage of Kim buying various sex shop paraphernalia on various days before Saint tells her "Alternatively, you could just give yourself the night off and get out for a change." She gets out a flyer for a place called "The CC", and asks if Kim knows it. Kim says "Sure!" but Saint has obviously noticed Kim's total inability to admit she doesn't know something these past few days and tells her where it is anyway. "I'll be there from ten, say your with Saint."

And Kim's natural impulse is to immediately go tell Sugar about this momentous occurrence, of course. Sugar scoffs when Kim admits that nothing has happened beyond Saint asking her out, and give her a fairly dubious look when she shows the flyer, telling Kim she's never heard of the place. Which is, obviously, because the patronage of The CC is decidedly lacking in Y chromosomes. Let's hope it has a fire exit!

CC. Kim does the 'omg overwhelmed' thing that we've seen so much of in this episode for a while and then finds Saint, who tells Kim she's glad she made it, and suggests she goes and gets herself a drink, and Saint will find her soon. I imagine I could have worded that sentence in something that closer resembled English if I tried. Kim is in her happy place, and would be totally compliant with most things Saint could tell her at this point, so naturally she's eager to go ahead with this innocuous request. Until, that is, she notices Saint greeting a bunch of other people in the exact same way, before getting up on the stage and heading behind the DJ booth. Come on, you had to realise things were going far too well so far. Kim looks a little mopey, but KimVo is surprisingly and excellently upbeat; "OK, so maybe a 'date' had been a slightly overpositive reading of the situation. Still, that's cool. At least it had got me out." My girl is all grown up! OK, her face is really not reflecting the positive tone of her voiceover. Cheer up, Kim's face! Anna Wilson-Jones (Jo from Hex) takes the seat next to her and offers to buy her a drink. Wait, didn't Thelma catch Jo writing erotic fanfiction about herself and Cassie one time? I'm pretty sure I remember that happening. Do I want to know why, in two out of the two shows I have seen her in, Anna Wilson-Jones plays a character lusting after barely-legal college girls? Kim initially refuses the drink but smiles and takes it after a minimum of pushing. Anna introduces herself as Anna, Kim introduces herself as Kim. That was easy! Anna notes that she hasn't seen Kim around before, Kim lies that she just got back from "journalism" "work stuff" in London, Anna says "I thought I'd have noticed someone as hot as you." That direct an approach is so completely alien to Kim's way of thinking, I don't know if her brain can even handle it. It has apparently registered, because her face lights up and she does that gleeful shoulder jiggle thing. I'm sure you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, but I can't think of a better way to describe it.

Daniels Family Living Room. Stella and Nathan are practising the week's designated task, and it appears to be going quite well until Stella starts trying to take Nathan's shirt off. He stops her and cautiously asks "Are we allowed?". Stella gives an incredulous "Nathan?", but he points out that there's not really much point in the sex therapy if they aren't going to follow the rules. Stella wholly agrees with the first half, at least. Nathan declares that BTT is his BFF and chastely kisses Stella as she stares daggers at him.

Back at the CC, Anna tells Kim she's having some friends back to her place, and Kim is welcome to join. Kim is looking a little tipsy, and she has acquired a lollipop from... Anna, I'd imagine. Didn't you pay attention in school, Kim? Don't take sweets from strangers! Kim gives a quick glance over to Saint, who does not happen to be looking her way for this particular second, so Kim shouts "I'll get my coat!" at Anna, and they leave. At which point Saint does look over, and gives the scene a :( face. Aww.

Anna's Place, decidedly lacking in the friends she claimed would be there. In addition to the lollipop, she also appears to have a supply of sherbert (which she is inhaling through her nose, crazy lady). Maybe she owns a sweet shop! She puts some sherbert on a spoon and pretends to give it to Kim, but then takes it away at the last second and eats it herself. That was a mean trick! And then she gets down on her knees to... ooh, make sure Kim's belt is doing its job correctly? Yeah, let's put the camera way out of focus and move over to the Brighton skyline here, shall we? Yeah.

Morning after. Kim comes downstairs looking quite hung over. Anna offers her coffee, asks if she wants breakfast and suggests she takes the day off work, the last of which causes Kim to groan "Oh god, my essay" which she, far too late, amends to "article". Anna, not looking remotely surprised or disappointed or anything like that, asks Kim how old she is and says "I think I'd better take you home".

...Where she gets Kim to put on her school uniform and sets to making sure she doesn't forget her essay again. And we promptly segue over to Stella and Nathan, walking along a street, carrying bags of shopping and arguing about the therapy. Stella frustratedly yells "I've had it up to here with therapy speak. I don't want therapy, I want sex!" To which Nathan responds "Define sex," which just does not feel like a natural line, and has clearly been shoehorned in there so that Stella can say "That, Nathan. That's sex" when they inevitably walk in on their teenage daughter dressed in school uniform and being spanked by a woman far closer to their own age than Kim's. Which reaches about a 8.5 on the Awkward Scale.

This is followed by an equally awkward family dinner where Nathan and Kim both do some expert avoiding of each others' gazes, a skill they have clearly spent years honing down to a fine art. Stella cheerfully asks Kim if she has anything fun planned for tomorrow, because she is enjoying the fact that this event has livened up her day immeasurably, which is disturbing on quite a few levels. Ah, Stella, how I have missed your unsurpassed commitment to irresponsibility. I think.

Ballymead. Kim gushes to Sugar about how amazing it all was (before her parents walked in, obviously) and Nathan was way overreacting throwing Anna out. Sugar asks what exactly Kim expected, "he'd just walked in on his daughter being taken advantage of by some filthy old perv!" Kim objects to this wording, of course, Sugar is all "You can't possibly be that naive! [You have met Kim, yes?]" and inquires about "that Saint chick you were banging on about". Kim mumbles out lame excuses about that and claims that "with Anna, it's different, it's real!" OK, so, really. You can't possibly be that naive. Sugar pretty much laughs in her face about this, Kim whines at the fact that Sugar was making fun of her for not getting any, but now she has, Sugar is still making fun of her, which is just a grossly unjust state of affairs, and decides that this is obviously jealousy at work. Now, she may be more than a little correct, but that is still a terrible, terrible conclusion to jump to. They both give each other lame parting shots ("I've got to go. I'm seeing Anna tonight." "Well you piss off back to her then. I've got macramé to finish.") and storm out in opposite directions.

Kim's room. Kim comes in to find Stella lying on her bed, probably drunk, inspecting all the stuff Kim bought from the Munch Box in her hopelessly Kimmish attempts to ask Saint out. Disturbing on far more levels, and it's only going to get worse; "Kim, darling. Look, it's not your father's fault. There are things that he doesn't understand, like passions, desires, needs. You know, if you ever need to talk to anyone, then I am very open minded." Kim tells her to get the hell out, Stella does so, "hiding" the love eggs in her hand in a way that just draws more attention to them. So, so many levels.

CC, again. Kim perkily makes her way towards Anna at the bar, but runs into Saint on the way. Saint attempts to start an apology/explanation for the other night, but Kim interrupts to tell her not to worry about it, "I had a brilliant night. I met Anna. Thanks for the invite", kisses her on the cheek and continues on her way. Saint watches her go with a look of resigned melancholy, because she knows as well as I do where this is head, and it is just not going to be fun.

OK. Kim gives Anna a hug from behind and says "Hi", Anna gives her a decidedly lukewarm "Hey" and then a more enthusiastic one to another girl standing there, lollipop in hand. Anna says it's time to get going and, as close to kindly as she can get in the situation, tells Kim it was nice seeing her again, with a whispered "You were sweet, I had a nice time" as they leave. Kim looks dejected and heads for a different exit.

Back home, Nathan is reading a book called "Games For All The Family To Play", Stella is drinking wine, of course, and attempting once more to find Nathan's absent libido. They're interrupted from their leisurely pursuits when they hear Kim coming in, Nathan looks concerned, Stella brightly says "You're home early, darling! Just a quickie, was it?" Oh my god, could everybody in the world please right now make a promise that they will never, ever say that to their children, under any circumstances? That would do a lot to put my mind at ease.

Kim's room. Kim is crying. You know how I get when that happens. Nathan comes in under the pretence of bringing laundry, Kim sets her jaw and stares at the opposite wall. Nathan sits down to attempt the appropriate reconciliation speech, and gets as far as "About yesterday, I think I might have overreacted a bit. You're my daughter. And a lesbian. And obviously, that means you like to do things with women" before Kim cracks and starts with the crying again, and Nathan gives a hilarious little "Oh." And they hug, and man, is it sweet, and Nathan awkwardly adds that he's ironed Kim's school uniform, "In case you need it for... you know..." Let's get the obligatory out of the way, because the last time I recapped her was all of a couple of months ago; Olivia Hallinan is just brilliant in this scene. So teenage, so vulnerable, it's just impossible not to feel bad for her. BUT! I must also mention that Richard Lumsden does a particularly good job here too, it's pretty typical bumbling Nathan stuff on paper, but, I don't know, he gives it something special. Now that we have that out of the way, I do feel kind of cheated that we didn't actually get to see Nathan throw Anna out, because it was a fairly central part of the plot here, and we never get to see Nathan be anything other than soft and accommodating, which I assume he cannot have been while doing that.

And now for the other touching reconciliation scene; Ballymead. Sugar tells Kim she wasn't expecting to see her today, they banter a little about the macramé to fill time while they prepare themselves for the heavy stuff. Sugar asks "How's Anna?" but doesn't even wait for an answer before she starts on with "I was out of order the other day..." Kim interrupts to tell Sugar what happened, and that she was totally right about Anna, "She was a bitch." And then Sugar tells Kim that she was totally right too, in her own very roundabout way "I know I've been off with you. Maybe I was a bit [with thumb and forefinger squeezing gesture to emphasise] jealous. NOT because I fancy you, so put your tongue away." Hey, Lenora Crichlow is awesome too, by the way. Kim and Sugar are of course the heart and soul of the show, and this is one of their finest moments so far, look; "But because you've suddenly got this life, and you're all I've fucking got." Kim reflexively shakes her head and says "That's not true", but you know as well as I do that it absolutely is, Kim. Sugar's mum has moved to Hull with Carl, whoever the hell that is, and I still love the fact that we have never, ever seen her, and we never will. Even if those cocksuckers hadn't "felt that the girls' story had run its course", I'm betting we wouldn't have done. "I hate this place, Kizza." She's, like, at least as heartbreaking here as that horrible, wonderful scene where she tells Kim about the guy she stabbed. "I really hate it. All I'm thinkin' is when I'm gonna get out, and then... it's not gonna be better." Kim takes her hand (this is all totally affecting, but I still can't shake the urge to yell "NO TOUCHING!") and assures her it will be, and this time she might actually be right. Sugar does the usual frown to upside down in 0.5 seconds moaning "I need to get out of here" with a rapid crescendo into "I NEED SOME COCK!" which gets stares from everybody in the room, and the girls break down into a giggling fit.

Kim leaves with a new positive outlook and spring in her step, and KimVo (Hey, you've been unusually quiet today!) informs us that everybody wants to be pinned to the wall and swept of their feet (these are her exact words), but "given a choice between sex and friendship..." Cut to Nathan polishing a table, Stella walks in, and oh lord, she is wearing a school uniform. In fact, specifically Kim's school uniform; white shirt and black skirt may be totally generic, but that is Kim's exact red and black striped tie. "Sir, I forgot to do my homework. You're not going to spank me, are you?" Somebody involved with this scene is in desperate need of therapy. In fact, quite possibly everybody involved with this scene. Back to KimVo: "...then friendship would win hands down." Back at Ballymead, Kim finishes giggling and assures Sugar again that she's going to be fine, "I'm always here for you. And no one is ever going to get in the way of that." Sugar jokes "Unless you find someone else to spank you in detention, you filthy cow!" and they break into cute playfighting.

And, outside, Kim runs into Saint again. Literally, I mean. Again. Once, that's just clumsy, but twice? There's got to be magnetism at work there. Anyway, Saint drops her hot dog (yeah, that's not symbolic at all), Kim's eyes go wide with surprise when she realises who it is, Saint gives her a friendly smile and says "It seems like we can't meet without one of us messing things up. Listen, I'm sorry about Anna, I should have warned you." Kim self-depreciates "I can't help making a twat out of myself", Saint says "Me neither", which Kim scoffs at. And then Saint says: "I tried to pull you and you didn't even notice." EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! I have nothing else to say to that. Just eeeeeee. Kim admits that she was confused by the mixed signals and says that if she'd realised, she never would have gone with "Psycho Bitch", Saint suggests they try to get it right next time and writes her number on a tissue in lipstick to give to Kim. I'm about ready to start doubling the number of characters on this show I love unconditionally, but we'll wait for next episode to pass official judgement on that (Having already seen it, I know what that judgement is, of course, but you can stay in suspense.) Pretty sublime feel good ending though.

Never Look At The Sun

Sugar Rush Episode 1x10 - "Coming Of Age, Part II"

Episode Grade: A+


No KimVo previouslies this time, just a quick repeat of the last few seconds of the previous episode. Hi Beth! Bye Beth! And, credits.

But that's wholly inadequate for not confusing the kind of people who start watching a show on it's season finale. So, regardless of whether they actually exist, KimVo gets it in now. But I'm going to assume they don't exist, and ignore her. Right on with the new stuff then; Kim runs across the beach, shouting for Sugar. Sugar's still crying, and still covered in blood, and I can see a bunch of extras milling about in the background, but Kim is the only person who pays any attention to her. Man, people in Brighton are desensitized. So, Kim rather ineffectually attempts to clean up the blood a little, and, holding her shit together remarkably well, calmly asks Sugar to tell her what happened. Sugar hysterically shouts that she has to leave, Kim holds her and tells her she's going nowhere in that state. Sugar finally gets out "I stabbed someone, alright!" and walks unsteadily away. Kim gives herself a moment to take this in, then runs after her.

Sugar's now powerwalking down a darkened street, with Kim trailing behind. Sugar's lost a lot of the hysterical edge, though there's still some definite panic going on. She suggests that they need a lot more money than what they have. KimVo tells us she's not asking more questions about the "stabbing thing" because "having a project seemed to be calming [Sugar] down." Sugar steals a bag and changes out of the bloody shirt, Kim counts money from a stolen purse. Sugar bitches at her for not getting more. "Gradually," KimVo says, "The scared girl I found under the pier started to look like Sugar again." Kim spots some patrolling cops, and Sugar yells "Fuck!" and brings her hands up to cover her face, which is probably not the most inconcspicuous thing she could be doing, but they don't notice her anyway. Kim suggests that Sugar come back to her place, as she can get money there. On the way back, Sugar tells Kim she plans to run away to London, and asks if Kim wants to come. Kim doesn't answer, so she quickly retracts the offer.

Sugar loiters outside while Kim goes in to get the money. She's momentarily distracted by Stella and Nathan cooking dinner together, and sounding happy. Kim seems pleased until Stella says "I'm so glad you're back, I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye." Stella explains her completely valid reasons for leaving, Kim gives a stroppy "Bye then." and storms upstairs.

Where she cries. And cries some more. And then KimVo decides that the idea of running away with Sugar is looking highly attractive all of a sudden. Her words; "Why stick around for the boring finale, when you could be co-starring in an adventure of your own?" which, considering we've seen about all we're going to of Nathan and Stella until next season, is some pretty hilarious meta-commentary, I'd say. Kim stuffs clothes and suchlike into a bag, then goes into her parents' room, grabs a handful of jewelery and stuffs in there too. And also, the contents of Stella's purse. Matt walks in and tells her "Don't forget your toothbrush", and hands it to her. Hee! Aww. Man. That's so perfect. Kim agrees, and gives him a sweet smile and a kiss on the cheek as she leaves. And, from now until the last seconds of the episode, the only faces we're going to see are Kim and Sugar. They're the only ones who matter.

Though we cannot make our sun
Stand still, yet, we will make him run

Outside, Sugar's a little taken aback by the fact that Kim's decided to join her, but goes along with it. They get into a little friendly banter on the way to the train station about the jobs they'll be getting when they reach London, which is cut short by the appearance of a police car. Sugar again goes for the 'act as suspiciously as possible' method of avoiding suspicion, and again gets away with it. Kim tells her not to worry about just the one car, but Sugar's all paranoid about snipers on the roof and helicopters and shit, so new plan; they're getting a bus. Kim points out that Sugar still hasn't explained how the stab-happiness came about, Sugar hisses "There's no time!"

Cut, hilariously, to Sugar and Kim, waiting in silence at a bus stop. For a while. Heh. Kim gets a message, most likely from Beth. It seems a little odd that she's waited this long, but fine. Sugar quite blatantly leans over to read it, and asks Kim if that's her new girlfriend. Kim angrily tells Sugar she doesn't have a girlfriend. Which is your own stupid fault, Kim. Sugar points out that she's clearly all dressed up for someone. Kim, annoyed, says "well, there wasn't much point, was there?" and Sugar tells her to piss off then. Word. Kim refuses, she's in for the long haul now, whether Sugar wants her or not. Little more silent waiting, then Sugar starts asking more about Beth. Kim's doesn't tell her anything remotely substantial, then a bus arrives, and Sugar jumps up and down with hands in her pockets to protect from the cold and shouts "bus!" which is just insanely cute. And awesome, because otherwise I'd totally forget that she's as much too young for this shit as Kim.

In a café now, neither of them know where they are. Geographically speaking, either. Kim muses clichéically about how you can live somewhere and not really know it. Then, pointedly, "It's like people. Live with them all your life, and still not know who they are." Sugar, showing immense insight, twigs that Stella's fucked up once again. Well, in Kim's eyes, anyway, I'd say Stella's actually in the right for, like, the first time ever. "Sorry," Sugar says, "If you are." Heh. And hey, remember how Lenora Crichlow is as awesome as Olivia Hallinan, but hasn't previously had much call to show it? Well. Just seemed like a good time to bring that up, I can't think why. Sugar's really feeling the awkward silences that are going on here, and tells Kim she can leave if she wants. That way, more silence, but less awkward. But Kim, of course, refuses, so Sugar realises that she's going to have to let the walls come down a little. Or a lot. First piece of new information; she stabbed the guy with a broken bottle. Kim asks who he was. Sugar shrugs "Dunno, just some guy I was fucking and..." then explains from the start; "I met this really fit guy down Lost Vegas [which, incidentally, I'd have known was the actual name of "The Pyjama Party", had I been paying more attention. Doesn't matter at this point; I doubt we're ever going THERE again.]. We went to the beach. Fucked. Fine... And then his mate's on me." Quick shot of Kim's look of horror. "Soon as he's finished, his mate's on me. Fucking Melissa. He was s'posed to be hers, innit. She bailed on me. Just took me by surprise, that's all." Just took me by surprise. Seriously, this scene is just... it's hard to watch, and neither of them make it easy at all, but equally, it's impossible to look away. And seriously, "That's all." If that doesn't make you want to cry... And Sugar's actually laughing now. "Never done two before. Kind of thing a girl needs to prepare for, right?" And Kim... her face just doesn't change at all, at any point, but it's all in the eyes. Like, seriously, everything. "Anyway, he was a Right. Minger. Stunk of burgers." And, momentarily, the mask comes off entirely, and the tears flow; "I told him to stop, and get off, and he wouldn't." Kim, completely mortified now, asks if she's alright. And Sugar's back to trying to convince her that it's no big deal. "Yeah. No, yeah, I'm fine. It's that poor bastard you should worry about." Which, in spite of it all, does get a chuckle from me, because that's pretty awesome. "Bleeding with his pants round his ankles." And funny back to heartwrenching in three seconds; "Why are they like that with me, Kizz? Why does no one fall in love with me, and follow me round like how Tom does with you?" DAMN, though, that's almost as bad as Kim's "Why can't I meet someone that I get on with?" and so on last week. Kim, intensely, "Because they're mad?" Sugar kind of rolls her eyes a little and gives that a rather dismissive "yeah", like, 'Oh, right. I forgot who I was talking to.' Which, again, is kind of hilarious in spite of it all. And, looks like we're through the pain barrier for now, at least. So, what's next, Kim? "Know how to steal a car?" Excellent.

"The way I figure it, this town has bad for both of us," KimVo reports, "Time to get the hell out of Dodge." Yeah, KimVo, you really can't pull that one off, I'm afraid. Anyway, Kim and Sugar cheerily give a two-finger salute to Brighton on their way out. Kim gets all immature and showing her age and asks Sugar if she can have a turn driving, going so far as to cry "Pretty please! I'll be your best friend!" I mean, she's kind of doing it ironically, but still. It'd be hilarious if it wasn't so awful. Sugar mutters "Jesus Christ,", because clearly she's well above such juvenile activity, but apparently relents, because there's a sudden cut and they've swapped places. And now Kim's flooring it with reckless abandon, and Sugar's panickingly telling her to slow down, but she's totally gone into suicidal thrillseeker mode. Well, until she has totally swerve to avoid hitting another car, anyway. Kim, fairly impressively, manages to do so without causing damage to either party, but Sugar is still not best pleased, so she gets out and starts walking away. Kim follows, of course, and after a short shouting match, persuades her to stop.

And now they're leaning over a road bridge, smoking, and Sugar's going for total denial as a healing technique. "Shoulda just let that guy finish off. Shoot his load and be done. Could be down Lost Vegas now havin' a right laugh about it." But Kim's totally not letting that one fly, so she's going to stand there and state the obvious; "Except it's not funny." Seriously. Sugar tries to carry on regardless, but Kim, again with the obvious stating, tells her "He raped you." But the kind of direct, simple truth is too painful for Sugar to just look at it as directly as that. So "I didn't go down to the beach for a picnic, I knew what I was there for." Fucking hell, though. I knew what I was there for. Kim points out that, as Sugar herself has admitted, she's always to out of it to really know what's going on. And that gives Sugar an out. "So you're saying I'm raped every time I have sex?" Because that makes it better. That, she can take. One death is a tragedy, a million is a statistic. "It's no different from the other times" is what she's been trying to convince herself the whole time, and now she's found a way to get Kim to let her have that. And, to make sure Kim stops pressing, at Kim's "It's fucked up" she responds "So's wanting to rub fannies with other girls." She knows exactly the buttons to press, and she will press them until she gets her way. And right now, her way is denial. Give it up, Kim, you cannot win this. And so she does. As Kim starts to walk away, Sugar, genuinely confused, asks "What do you care anyway?", giving Kim the opportunity to be terribly embarrassing in her praise of Sugar. Not that she's wrong. Smart? Yeah. Gorgeous? Well, not really my type, but sure. Funny? "It's that poor bastard you should be worrying about". So. Yeah. Cool? Well, what the hell do I know? But, seriously, you should listing things certainly before that one, Kim. Less is more. And finally; wasting herself on guys who don't give a shit. Quite obviously a yes. But Sugar, quite awesomely, points out "That's my choice, isn't it?" Whichever one it was that I said I liked her best in? I was wrong. It's this one. It's definitely this one.

Back in the car now, both calmed down rather (Sugar's in the driver's seat, though, because would you trust Kim to drive after that?) There's silence for a while, neither of them at all sure what they're doing any more. Sugar asks if Kim still wants to come to London. Kim, once again displaying total immaturity, snots "I don't care." Total fucking lie, and you both know it. Oddly, Sugar decides to go off on her own version of Kim's gushing praise speech at this point, though she's less embarrassing, of course. Well, it's less direct, all going to university and marrying rich lesbians and, basically, "you're going to have a wonderful life." Kim deludedly tells Sugar that she will too, but Sugar, being the realist now, says "Once I get out of prison, with a fat arse and a heroin habit, maybe." Kim notices Sugar's ability to make the tragedy of her life funny now, and giggles a little at that, but Sugar's careened back into angst mode again already. It is hard to keep up with her. "I want a penthouse," she says sadly, "Even if it's just for one night." And Kim, sparkle in her eyes, tells her to "drive then."

That seems like the perfect cue for a montage of the girls driving through London and admiring the artificially lit momuments, right? Right. They pull up outside a posh hotel, and Sugar claims "No one is going to look for a couple of skanks like us here." If you weren't leaving blatant clues like the stolen car parked right outside, and Stella's credit card wasn't obviously going to be traced, you might have a point. Anyway, they go into their room, which is... spacious. Seriously though, how does Stella's card have enough to afford this, even for one night? She hasn't earned it, that's for sure. Sugar looks out the window and admires the view. Kim doesn't look out the window, and admires the view.

And now they're in the bath together. Sugar admires the jewelery Kim stole from Stella, and yes, she uses the word "bling". And now it's time to delve into a little character backstory; Sugar tells Kim she's never been in a hotel, or even on holiday before. "Mum says 'What's the point of going on holiday when you live in a holiday town?'" It occurs to me that we've never even seen Sugar's mother, but then, that's kind of the point, isn't it? Showing some awesome continuity sense again, Kim replies that since Stella and Nathan love France, her holidays invariably involve them taking her and Matt to France, then getting drunk and leaving Kim and Matt to themselves. Sugar complains that her champagne is dry, and Kim gets all faux-pretentious explaining that it's meant to be. Yes, I really just said 'faux-pretentious'. Shut up. Sugar asks her to go downstairs and get some sugar to put in it (and, man, I have trouble typing 'sugar' uncapitalised now). Kim gives her a somewhat outraged look and tells "You can't put sugar in champagne!" And, of course, Sugar flirtingly responds "You can put a little Sugar in anything." I'm sure you can see where this is going. She starts moving her leg under the water towards Kim, but Kim tells her to stop "unless [she] mean[s] it". So, they have a water/champagne fight instead. Yeah.

More sombre mood now, sitting around in bathrobes. Sugar asks Kim if she'd rather be there with "that girl". Kim pointlessly plays dumb for a second, then tells her Beth's name and asks why she's interested. Sugar claims "I'm not interested! I just thought you were", then fairly quickly contradicts the first part by asking "So, you shagged her yet?". Kim's not feeling this at all, but answers anyway. Sugar carries on "I bet you've snogged though." Kim gives this a "Maybe". Sugar asks if Beth's a better kisser than her. Kim doesn't answer that one. Sugar presses asking, "Come on, who do you prefer, me or her?" which is a totally different question. Kim non-answers "Beth's great." Yeah, that's a real glowing reccomendation, Tony the Tiger. "She's really cool." Oh, well that improves it a whole lot. It occurs to Kim that she might be able to get out of this interrogation by asking some questions of her own, so she asks Sugar who she'd rather be there with, if she could choose anyone in the world. Sugar shallows "Brad Pitt", then, as an afterthought, "but you'll do." Shockingly, Kim's not exactly thrilled by that, and asks "Why?" "Just because," Sugar lamely replies. And now we're getting back to the heavy stuff again. "Why did you call me tonight?" It's a pretty simple answer; "Because I knew you'd come." Which we all knew already, but still. Ouch. "Yeah," Kim says emotionlessly, "Makes sense." Yeah. "It's always going to be like this, isn't it? You call, I come running. You say 'jump', I say 'How high?'" Well, you know who needs to do something to change that, Kim? I'll give you a clue; it's not Sugar. Kim gives a list of all the crap she's done for Sugar over the previous nine episodes; translating for French wankers; kissing Sugar so she could pull, so on and so forth, then tells her to "name one thing you've done for me. One thing. One. Sodding. Thing." I'm sure I don't need to tell you that Olivia rocks this speech, but apparently I will anyway. She does. Kim walks away from Sugar, over to the window. Sugar hesitates for a second, then follows, and says "I'm sorry." And then leans in for a kiss, because she's apologised, so everthying's alright now, right? Well, no. Kim again tells her to stop, but Sugar brushes hair out of Kim's face and tells her "Don't worry. I really mean it this time." And that's enough for Kim. She believes it. And I'm not getting dizzy, so I guess the camera believes it too. And, I mean, this time. That's the key. So, yeah, I believe it. Right here, right now, it's true. This time. It has to be. It's the only truth there is. Just for one night, they get the penthouse. Just for one night.

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again

So, now it's all over but the montage. I don't what this song is, but they've been quietly slipping in little bits of it all over the season, and it's totally perfect for this. A police car pulls up outside the hotel, and Stella and Nathan step out the back. Inside, Kim and Sugar wake up post-coitally. Kim smiles. Sugar hesitates for a second, then returns it. Stella and Nathan walk down the corridor with a couple of cops. Kim smiles some more. "Don't you just love happy Hollywood endings?" KimVo asks. No, but I sure as hell loved this one.

A Glimpse At The Good Life

Sugar Rush Episode 1x09 - "Coming Of Age, Part I"

Episode Grade: A+


Previously: Nathan choked Stella with pudding and broke her rib, and Tom is reportedly still stalking Kim. No mention of the fact that she slept with him, though, oddly. You'd think that would count as a reasonably significant event.

KimVo's starting off in a good mood, which is usually a sure sign that things are going to turn to shit later. She's happy because she's apparently got Sugar out of her life, and she's "a 15 year old with no spots and a passable pair of tits." Kim dances in front of a mirror with no shirt on to demonstrate this last point. I kind of love this show, you know. From outside, we can hear Stella whinily yelling "Nathan! Nathan!". Kim exasperatedly shouts at her to shut up, to no avail.

In her room, Stella's lying in bed with a pained look, attempting to reach a glass of wine on the bedside table just out of her reach. How exactly did it get there? It certainly looks like Nathan deliberately set it up that way to torture her, but he comes running at her call and gives her the glass, though he's worried it's a bad idea for her to drink while she's on medication. Stella tells him she needs something to numb the pain, and, when he suggests calling the doctor, clarifies that she means "allegorical" pain from "being married to Cathy Bates". I'm fairly sure that would actually make it metaphorical pain, but whatever. Nathan stares, unbridled rage building in his eyes, as she continues to insult him, and after a while, he reaches boiling point and storms out, throwing his apron to the ground. Well, not to worry. Nathan's version of going Incredible Hulk will at the most result in some flies with a few minor injuries.

Kim's still dancing around shirtlessly when Nathan barges into her room. She quickly grabs a sweater to cover herself, and yells at him. Nathan apologises and tells her he needs her to look after Matt. Kim asks why Stella can't, and says she's going out. Nathan replies "Yeah, well, so am I." So, why can't Stella do it? Well, obviously, I know it's because she's a useless sack of shit. My point is, you didn't actually answer the question, Nathan. Anyway, something in the tone of his voice worries Kim, and she gives a slightly cracked-voiced "Dad?". Nathan tells her he can't go on, and apologises a few more times. I think apologies might be beating "spend time together as a family" in the "For Fuck's Sake Find Something Else To Say, Nathan" contest, but I haven't been keeping score. Nathan hugs Kim, says he'll see her soon and leaves her with the kicked puppy look that she does so well.

There's a few rather excellent shots of the beach from afar, with a tiny silhouette Kim (Well, I assume it's her. She's tiny, and silhouetted, so it's not exactly easy to tell.) She's sitting, facing away from solid ground, completely dwarfed by huge structures in the sea. And then we go to non-tiny, non-silhouetted Kim, crying alone in a seaside café. I think this is the same place Matt and Nathan were at in the second episode. Kim continues to cry, and it's heartbreaking, but then the camera pans over to show Hot Scot sitting at a near by table, so things are starting to look up (and not just because she's really hot.) She comes over to Kim, of course, and asks if she's alright. In spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Kim claims to be fine. Hot Scot remembers Kim's name, introduces herself as Beth, and reminds Kim that they met last week at the GiD meeting. I really doubt that Kim needs prompting to remember that, Beth. I mean, seriously, look at yourself. She tells Kim she saw her come in looking upset. Kim again claims to be fine, even though she still hasn't actually stopped crying. Beth, who's been surreptitiously dragging out the chair opposite Kim throughout this conversation, now asks if she can sit down. Kim gives an affirmative and says "I'm really sorry". Beth's like, "You were crying when I came over here, obviously I don't have a problem with it." But, you know, in a much warmer, friendlier way. Slowly, Kim starts explaining her whole wretched family story (though we get a heavily edited version by use of quick flashbacks and such, so we don't have to hear her explain things we already know.) Kim concludes with "I'm a homophobic gay virgin desperate to fuck a girl who'll never fancy me." What with the no mention of it in the previouslies and now this, it seems Kim is pretending the Tom sex didn't actually happen, but also I think she probably says "gay virgin" as kind of a reflex by now. Or maybe she's just saying she's a gay virgin, not a gay virgin, if you follow. Beth asks what this girl's name is. Kim tells her, both "Sugar" and "Maria Sweet", which I had indeed forgotten was her real name, as I said I would, and adds "She's a total goddess. And a total bitch." Beth gives a "know the type" smile and nod. Kim gets a slight nerve attack and says "I can't believe I'm telling you all this." In response, Beth offers a cigarette. Kim jokes that she didn't think Christians did things like smoking, Beth replies "They're menthol", but holds off on the actual reason, because Kim's not quite primed for that yet. She's totally itching to say it though. Kim asks if she's ever "spent intimate time" with someone who didn't really know her, so it appears that perhaps she's not so in denial about the Tom thing now. "Torture," Beth replies. And Kim's back to divulging details of her sordid story, saying she tried everything; honesty, date rape ("But it's OK, I failed." Attempted murder, now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?), shagging a bloke, "but my mum beat me to it." Well, first attempt, yes. She doesn't mention the other two. How strange. And, finally, the GiD meeting in attempt to cure herself, which obviously Beth knew about already. And Beth decides that now is the time to strike with the actual reason I mentioned earlier: She's not really religious, "unless you count getting off with my R.E. teacher, Sister Angela. I guess I just went along to the group to see who I could pull." Wham. Kim's eyes light up rather, and there's an awesome church choir "Hallelujah!" Hee! Beth asks if Kim wants coffee. She does, but for some reason the waitress totally ignores Beth, so Kim suggests going somewhere where waitresses actually do their job.

KimVo, who's been a lot quieter than usual so far, due to Kim actually talking to someone other than herself today, finds an opportunity to get a word in edgeways, informing us that since she met Beth in church, she'd assumed she must be uptight and religious. Kim and Beth are walking along the beach, all smiles, when there's a shouted "Kim!" from behind, and Tom comes running. Kim exasperatedly tells Beth to wait up while she deals with him, and apparently the "Thank you" and other clear suggestions that he totally knew it was a one time thing have been forgotten. It annoyed me at first that they seemed to be backtracking on his character development from last week, but... first thought on Kim's mind the morning after she kissed Sugar for the first time; "she had to feel the same". And it's been a whole week, apparently, and Tom's deluding himself a lot less than she was, considering the circumstances of that kiss. You can't go from butt-monkey to awesome instantaneously. And when you're this inexperienced, you can get incredibly stupid and egotistical about these things. Fucking teenagers, eh? So, Tom's all "I've been leaving thousands of messages!" and putting his arms around her and shit, while Beth looks on, rather uncomfortably, figuring out the parts that Kim neglected to mention. KimVo admits to herself that screwing your stalker kind of sends mixed messages. But Beth's given her a whole heaping bowl of self-belief, so no more of that. "I'm gay," she says simply. Tom's like "Say what?" and "Are you quite sure?" which is a little amusing. Kim says "I'm sorry," KimVo immediately denounces this, because "For the first time, I'm not sorry." Beth gives her a proud smile, and they walk away together, hand in hand, leaving Tom standing in devastation.

Kim sits on the beach, and Beth brings ice cream. Kim has a different topping to what she ordered, since the stall was out and Beth tells her "It's good to branch out occasionally." Yeah, I don't think she's really taking about the ice cream there, but, that's really subtle and awesome. Beth goes on that "Treacle, Candyfloss, whatever her name is" is really not worth all the torment Kim puts herself through, which Kim figured out for herself a couple of episodes ago, but as KimVo points out, it's good to get an outsider's perspective. Beth continues with the riffing on Sugar's nickname; "A short term fix. Sends your heart rate rocketing, then rots your teeth." There's a little ice cream flirting, and Beth says she can't believe Kim's been in Brighton for three months and only met one girl to be interested in. For some reason, Kim does not say something like "Two, actually" and then kiss her. Come on, Kim. Don't make me come over there. Beth continues that she neds to make the most of what Brighton is famous for, and then says "I bet you haven't even been for a swim yet." Kim's like "Are you serious?", so Beth takes her hand and says "I'll race you," and together, they run into the sea. That's not much of a race. There's some splashing water at each other and much laughter, and Beth starts calling "Save me! Save me!", but she's totally cracking up, so she makes a pretty unconvincing drowning victim. Kim grabs hold of her anyway, and there's the expected laughter dying down and staring into each other's eyes stuff, but still no kiss. Well, now you're just deliberately tormenting me.

In a public toilet somewhere, they've both shedded some outer layers, and are attempting to dry their hair under the hand driers, and finally, with no words, Beth walks over, brushes Kim's hair out of her face and kisses her. MAN did that take forever. And, hey, no camera spinning! My arbitrarily assigned significance is still holding up! I, for one, am surprised.

And now, in spite of all the Kim and Beth stuff being completely wonderful, here's my favourite scene of the episode. It totally makes up for all the first seven episodes of butt-monkey nonsense which, honestly, is a pretty impressive feat. Tom's lying in bed, because obviously, he's not feeling too great about what's happened, and, as well the pain of rejection, he's going to be thinking the ridiculous "I turned her gay" crap, no matter how stupid it is. One of the interchangable gay Daves comes in to tell him to come down for tea, sees that he's clearly upset about something and, because Tom can actually rely on his family, talks to him about it. "They're not still calling you names, are they? I can't bear the thought of you sufferring because of me and David." Tom quickly dismisses this; "I don't care about the names." Aww, man. Proud smile from Dave. And, as it turns out, Tom is actuallyy less of a fuck-up than Kim, so he just comes straight out and tells him; "I slept with Kim, and she's now got a girlfriend." Dave gives no reaction beyond a couple of "right"s and some slight eyebrow raising, and Tom continues that he thought he really liked her, that he loved her. Dave pulls him in for a hug, and says "Do you know how proud we are of you?" and Tom's a little embarrassed, but Dave continues telling him he's the bravest, fairest, most open-minded person he knows, and there are plenty of straight girls out there waiting for him, the problem is finding one good enough. It is, admittedly, veering into cliché a little here, but they sell it so damn well. It's beautiful. "in the mean time," Dave continues, "I wouldn't worry about having slept with a lesbian. Most striaght guys would consider that something of an achievement." And more hugging, and Tom tells him he loves him, and it's just wonderful. Why couldn't they have given him this kind of stuff earlier? Wait, remember the Darth Vader moment. It's probably for the best that they waited until he developed at least some passable acting skills.

And now we're back with Kim and Beth, walking along the pier, with creepy carnival music playing in the background. Seriously, is there anything creepier than carnival music? I don't think so. Why the hell do they attach that stuff to something for kids? Anyway, it's now Beth's turn to tell sordid life details; Her first relationship with a woman was a mess. "Older woman. Well, two years older." Which would have been a pretty significant amount at the time, though I've got no particular clue how old Beth is now. I'd hazard a guess at maybe a year or two older than Kim though. I can't really summarise Beth's story any better than her, so I'll just quote: "Totally gorgeous, but mad as a brush. Didn't know where I was with her. Mucked up school for me and everything. It was like my life just stopped. And, you know what? I didn't care." Kim's says "It's not right, liking someone who makes you feel miserable." Beth agrees, but points out that it's probably why they met at the GiD meeting. They both tell each other that they were just there to take their minds off their respective woman troubles. I thought you were just there to pick up chicks, Beth? Beth goes on that she had all the more need to go after her mother caught her in bed with another woman. And that was the day I learned that there's no way you can remove your head from another girl's crotch in a nonchalant manner. OK, so Beth doesn't have any lines as awesome as that. She continues the story; she and her mother didn't talk for a while, then they did and cried some, and her mother gave her the usual "what about the grandchildren?" spiel, "then things calmed down. And that Christmas I got a turkey baster in my stocking." Bwah! OK, I take it back. Beth asks how Kim's parents are about it, Kim tells her they have their own shit to worry about and don't really pay attention to her, which suits her fine. She goes on that it's really nice to just talk about things, which she never does with Sugar, and then, because Kim is an IDIOT, "Why can't I meet someone that I get on with, and who, like, likes me?" Can't see the forest for the trees. But seriously, I wouldn't want to advocate prolonging it even further than they did, but that would have tracked way better if it came before the kiss. Shan't complain too much though, since it prompts another one.

Now sitting down, eating candy floss, Beth's asking why Stella came back, if she cares so little. Kim tells her she needed a place to stay, and Dale would've kicked her out. Beth asks "Are you sure about that? Purely selfish reasons?" I'll let her off since she hasn't actually met Stella. Also because "I think you should talk to Stella, tell her to sort it out. What's the worst that could happen?" Damn right. It's not like Stella could become even more useless.

And so, back to the house, Kim does exactly that. She takes a while to figure out where to start, so Stella's all "If you want dinner, order a chinese, because I AM COMPLETELY USELESS" and shit. Kim grabs the magazine Stella's reading and closes it, so she actually pays some attention to her. "Are you alright?" "No, not really." Full attention now. Kim tells Stella to talk to Nathan, Stella tells her she can't do that since he's disappeared. Kim points out that he has a phone. Stella huffily says "He walked out" and turns on the TV to drown out the irritating buzz of other people's feelings. Kim turns it off and angrily tells her "You shagged around!" and then, awesomely "I'm sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't shout, and that I'd be grown up." She's never been more beautiful. For her part, Stella continues to avoid "grown up" like the plague, but Kim keeps pushing. "This isn't going to work. Us, the way we are. It's not fair on me." Stella gets all uppity at this, like, "How dare you tell me to actually put some importance on my daughter's well-being?" She gets out a cigarette. Kim is a Duracell bunny. "It's not fair on Matt. I know we've always been a screwed up family, but this is a fucking mess." Stella reflexively admonishes the language, then immediately burns herself light the cigarette and goes "Shit fucking bollocks!" I cannot believe they actually used that. That is a placeholder for a real joke. "Just look at you." Kim shakes her head sadly, "You're crap." Seriously. "You don't do maternal, and you never have." Stella looks hurt, and whinily asks "Are you saying I'm a bad mother?" YES. FUCKING YES. "You're Stella." That's a yes. "And you've never wanted to be more than that." Well, OK, that was very tactfully said, Kim. I'd still have gone with "YES. FUCKING YES." though. Anyway, finally, finally, Kim's getting through to Stella. As she leaves, Kim pauses for a moment and turns back, smiling, to tell Stella "We still want you. But with dad." And Stella's now left to think about what a terrible person she is. Hurrah!

In her room, Kim's getting all dressed up for a date with Beth. KimVo tell us she feels like an adult for the first time in her life, and is just generally feeling great, she's got her parents back together, and she's going on an actual date. Kim goes downstairs, walks past Stella, who's tidying up, and runs into Nathan at the door. They smile at each other. Kim gets a call from Beth, who wants to know how it went. Kim says she'll tell her later. Everything is right in the world right now. Kim waves to Tom on the other side of the street. Tom's with a bunch of grungy looking kids, leaning against a wall, smoking and just generally trying his hardest to look cool. He gives her a falsely disinterested "Hi" and then tells the gang "Had her. And her girlfriend." He chokes on the cigarette and throws it away, but does a good job of keeping his new image up in spite of this. He walks away, and his new cronies follow, with one of them carrying his trombone for him. I love that. "Everything seemed to be turning out right", KimVo says. Well, nice work, KimVo. Now we know something's going to go wrong. And there's only a couple of minutes left, so... brace for impact.

Stella offers Nathan a drink, which he turns down. Pause for a few seconds, then she gets started. "I've been talking to Kim... Well, Kim's been talking to me." Stella just said something that makes me like her. Woah. "She made me realise that I owe you an apology. For being a terrible mother, and a terrible wife." So far, so good. She carries on that she's just not good at that stuff, "and it would be stupid to pretend I'm just going to suddenly change." Nathan agrees. He doesn't want to go on like this. It's his fault too, apparently. Marriage been failing for years, trying to salvage it has just made it worse, so on and so forth. Nathan continues that he has become pathetic, pitiful. "If I woke up to this each morning, I'd start screwing odd-job men for kicks." Stella eventually puts a halt to the self-pitying by telling him "I still love you." Nathan says the same, "But I don't want to go on like this. I think it's right that you should leave." And now they have nothing to do but cry.

Well, I think we dodged a bullet there. Kim won't be happy to find out they've not worked things out the way she was expecting, but she'll cope. As far as "Everything seemed to be turning out right" backlash goes, it could have been much worse. Like, say they fucked with Kim and Beth's relationship? Wouldn't that be horrible? So, anyone getting this strange feeling that there's been something, or someone missing from this episode? This episode of Sugar Rush? Eh, it's probably nothing.

So, Kim aproaches Beth, who's waiting on the pier, just a few feet away. Almost there. Just a few more seconds. Kim's phone starts to ring. Just ignore it, it can't be that important, right? Fine. Ignore me. Check caller ID! Make sure it's not someone you don't want to talk to! Awww, crap. Kim answers the phone. It's Sugar. She's crying. "Kizz, I need you! I'm in deep shit!" She's pretty hysterical. Also, covered in blood. Beth turns, sees Kim and smiles. Then she sees the look of horror on Kim's face, and stops. Kim stands, frozen. Beth's starting to mirror her look of horror now. Kim looks at her, sorry in her eyes, then turns and runs. Aww, Beth! I'll miss you! And not just because you're really hot!

Man. So, that's where they leave us, going into the finale. Kim turned to the church and, in a rather fantastic way, found salvation. But sometimes, the thing you really want is the scariest thing of all, you know? Because, what if it's not enough? Kim's just not ready to face that fear yet. You can't go from miserable loner to perfect love instantaneously. Sugar's been pretty absent since she shattered Kim's heart into tiny pieces, but clearly, next week will make up for that in abundance. See you there.