All LSD Worms

Torchwood Episode 1x05 - "Small Worlds"

Episode grade: C-


Open, as ever, with Jack's "21st century is when everything changes" speech. As far as expositional introductions to show premises go, it's not bad, but it lacks a little punch. It's no "The cylons were created by man...", you know? Well, mostly I love that one for the "And they have a plan." at the end. You know how it's funny when you take a fortune cookie, or perhaps just a random sentence somebody says and add "...in bed!" to it? I like to use "...And they have a plan." the same way. Try it! Yeah, I'm doing that 'irrelevant tangent to distract from bad episode' thing again, and the episode hasn't actually started yet. I imagine my next recap will consist entirely of a detailed description of the contents of my desk.

So, once Jack's done babbling and the episode actually starts, some good ol' creepy glockenspiel fairy tales up the soundtrack and an old woman wanders through some woodland, helpfully expositing into a tape recorder that she's "returning to the same spot" and she has to move carefully so as not to frighten "them". She reaches her destination, smiles gleefully as she sees a bunch of glowing fairies flitting around a stone circle (that's fairies as in the little winged mythical creatures, not overly flamboyant men, of course) and takes some photos. As soon as she turns around to leave, the fairies start making some weird growling noises and we can faintly see one of them turn into Gollum, and we go to credits.

After we come back, slow pan across the Hub to Jack's office and a bunk where Jack is soundly sleeping, the damn dirty liar. After quick sepia-tinged shots of Jack in military uniform in a train, full of other soldiers, all sitting motionless with mouths full of red petals, Jack wakes up sweating. Not that you're likely to pick up that much detail without pausing repeatedly to inspect each frame, and who has the time to do that? Well, OK, lots of people, but anyway, it'd be wasted effort since we get to see all that stuff properly later on. Jack gets out of bed and walks over to his desk, where he finds a red petal and looks exceedingly concerned. Ianto walks in, flicking through a folder, and Jack tells him he shouldn't be there. Ianto points out that Jack shouldn't either, so I guess Jack's sentence can be finished with "at this time" rather than "because I fired your ass for trying to get us all killed". How odd. They stand around for a while, and it does seem like maybe this was originally supposed to come before "Cyberwoman" as vague foreshadowing of Ianto's secret, but there's enough awkwardness between them that it works well enough this way round. Jack asks what he's got, Ianto tells him about some strange weather patterns, which makes Jack look even more worried.

"Coed y Garreg Primary School", apparently. Kids leave, and most of them find their parents or whoever is picking them up from school, but we follow one particularly girl who wanders out of the gate on her own, as a sinister man watches her sinisterly from his sinister BMW.

House somewhere, a man and a woman, ostensibly the girl's parents, walk out, Mum nagging Dad about not noticing the time and fretting that maybe they should call the school, Dad assuring Mum that there's no need to worry. Dad gets in the car and drives off, and Mum walks back to the house.

At school, another girl yanks one of Absent-Minded Dad Girl's pigtails as she walked past, then a teacher walks over and asks "Jasmine, who's picking you up today?" Jasmine answers "Roy", and we can thusly assume he's actually a step-dad and that sure got a lot of character introduction out of the way quickly, huh. Sinister Paedo watches the teacher leave Jasmine from his sinister BMW, and follows Jasmine as she walks off by herself. He catches up to her on a secluded country road and tells her that her mum asked him to pick Jasmine up, as she's running late. Quick bit of Monster Vision from up in the trees as Jasmine glares at Paedo and carries on walking. Paedo gets out of his sinister BMW and crouches in front of her, putting on a soothing voice and trying to convince her he's telling the truth. Jasmine tries to walk around him, so he grabs her arm and tries to force her into his sinister BMW. Monster Vision comes swooping down, and the wind suddenly picks up a whole lot, blowing Paedo against the side of his car. Creepy voices whisper "Come away, human child... come away..." and Paedo struggles back into his sinister BMW. Jasmine smiles as Paedo looks mystified at the blood coming out of his nose, and skips along down the road.

Jack and Gwen arrive outside... somewhere. I don't know. Jack's not telling Gwen what they're doing there, so she reads the "Fairies - Fact Or Fantasy?" poster on the wall outside and cynically asks if he's kidding with this shit. Inside, the old woman from the teaser is giving some kind of slideshow presentation about fairies, and I second what Gwen said. The woman concludes that she is lucky to have caught this photograph, as "fairies are shy, you see, but I know in my heart that they're friendly creatures." And they have a plan! See how that works? Jack shakes his head at this, while Gwen claps politely and rolls her eyes. Either the woman was only speaking for about a minute, or Jack and Gwen turned up right at the end of her presentation, which seems kind of rude to me. Especially since, as we'll soon discover, she's an old friend of Jack's. While the five or so other audience members leave, Jack comments that "she always gets it wrong", and wanders over for a chat with 'Estelle'. Jack thinks all fairies are evil, Estelle refuses to believe that. Gwen suggests that maybe "one person's good is another person's evil" and Estelle wistfully says "That's what his father used to say." Jack asks if she has any more photos; she does, at home. So, why not have Jack and Gwen go to Estelle's house for this conversation in the first place instead of setting up this nonsensical presentation scenario? Is this just me?

Paedo wanders through town distractedly, jumping at the sound of a sheet of tarpaulin flapping in the breeze and bumping into an angry fat man. He walks through a market, watching invisible creatures flying around his head as people give him weird looks, and suddenly drops to his knees and starts choking. He coughs up a couple of petals and stumbles on a little further, then chokes out a couple of whole mouthfuls more, and it's really not too pleasant to watch. He finds a policewoman standing outside her car, grabs her shirt and starts shaking, begging her to help him. She tells him to calm down and pushes him away, and then throws him against the bonnet, arm behind his back, when he tries to get into the driver's seat. Hey, a competent policewoman! That's the first time we've seen one of those on the show, Gwen.

Jasmine's house. Roy walks in with Jasmine and tells Mum he found her walking home by herself. Mum chastises her for walking home by herself, Jasmine ignores her, Roy tells her to "bloody well" listen to her mother, Jasmine responds with venom "You're not my dad!" Mum soothingly tries to explain to Jasmine that it's not safe, Jasmine assures her it's alright, "no one can hurt me".

Estelle's house. Estelle shows Jack the rest of her photos, and introduces Gwen to her cat, Moses, because if she didn't do that, I'd sure be going "Where the hell did that cat come from?" later, instead of noting the multitude of other problems with the episode. Gwen notices a photo of "Jack's dad" on the mantelpiece, and it doesn't take a genius to notice that it's actually Jack. In fact, even Gwen notices it, and asks Jack, but he tells her it really is his dad, and nostalgias that "his dad" and Estelle we're quite an item back in the day, but they got separated as a result of that whole war thing that was going on. While Jack's looking through the fairy pictures, Gwen goes out to ask Estelle if she's ever seen Jack and his father in the same room together. Estelle says no, Jack just contacted her out of the blue a couple of years ago, and he never talks about his father. So, wait, does this mean Jack's been in Cardiff, or at least present day-ish Earth, for at least two years? I'm trying to figure out if he should have been easily able to contact the Doctor given that, but maybe not. Or at least, not without running into himself, which could cause problems. Jack gives Estelle a warm hug and tells her to contact him immediately if she sees the fairies again.

Jack and Gwen leave the house, and Jack comments that Estelle shouldn't be living in the city, "she belongs in the countryside", which is just weird. Gwen asks how often he gets to see her, "whenever she sees the fairies?" Jack forcefully tells her that "[Estelle] calls them fairies, I don't", so Gwen naturally asks what he does call them, then, and he says he doesn't really have a name for them, "something from the dawn of time, how could you possibly put a name to that?" Well, that sure was some awkward dialogue. If you don't have a name for them yourself, Jack, why complain about Estelle's choice? Gwen asks if they're alien, but no, Jack says, they're worse than that, "they're part of us, part of our world, yet we know nothing about them." And then proceeds to go on and on listing things he knows about them; they're dangerous, and you can only have see them out of the corner of your eye with a touch of myth, touch of the spiritual, touch of reality, and jumbled together and whirling round and round and right round, baby, right round, like a record, backwards and forwards through time, and fangs long as neckties and eyes like Abe Lincoln, and jaws that bite and claws that catch and beware the Jubjub bird and shun the frumious Bandersnatch. And they have a plan! I'm seriously not even exaggerating with all that. This stuff is so wildly over the top and ridiculous, and this episode feels completely out of place in this show. The tone is way off from any of the other episodes so far (including, as I know due to my extreme lateness, the three following this one). And given the fact that we haven't yet, and barely will at any point, see any of the cast but Jack and Gwen, it would be pretty easy to retool this as a Doctor Who episode, where it wouldn't be quite such a sore thumb. At least, that would work if it wasn't for the fact that they basically already did this story and called it "Fear Her" and gave it more of a happy ending. And it was pretty awful then, too.

Jasmine skips around her garden for a bit, then wanders into the vast expanse of woodland that it backs onto. Inside the house, Roy is concerned with her behaviour, because "normal kids have friends", and she doesn't, so there's clearly something wrong with her. Mum (I'd appreciate a mention of an actual name by the way, Roy) thinks he's being ridiculous, Roy points out that Jasmine never watches TV or reads books or anything, and asks Mum "When's the last time you heard her laugh?" Jasmine spins around in circles holding a stick, and Monster Vision creepy giggles and creepy whispers "Come away, human child..." some more.

The Hub, at long last. Tosh gives her own presentation of pictures of young girls with fairies flitting around them. Ianto jokes "I blame it on magic mushrooms" and Jack responds "What you do in private is none of our business," and yeah, there is no way in hell this shouldn't have been before "Cyberwoman". Gwen points out that, in spite of Arthur Conan Doyle and Houdini's faith in them, the photos were fake, which she knows from writing an essay on the Cottingley Fairies in school. Tosh also has Estelle's pictures, and asks where they were taken; a place called Roundstone Woods. Bizarrely, Owen appears to know the Wikipedia entry for the place by heart and recites it, which I'll paraphrase; "Place has bad vibes, dude." Tosh tells Jack her Apple Mac Guffin has picked nothing up, because she doesn't know that we're steering well clear of the 'sci' part of 'sci-fi' this week. Jack tells her to be on the lookout for freak weather patterns, because that's the only thing that'll show up on her radar.

Police station. Paedo's going nuts, telling the officer "They want to hurt me, they won't leave me alone, and if it's God, I'm sorry" and so on and so forth. Officer calmly tries to take his details, until he confesses that he "can't help it. It's little girls. It's their little bodies. It's their little smiles. They're bright as buttons", then begs to be locked up. Yeah, it's creepy, but there's really no way you could possibly make paedophilia uncreepy, so... no major credit for that.

Jack, Gwen and Owen make their way through Roundstone Wood, Monster Vision lurking not far behind. Gwen tells Jack about all the exciting gossip about Jack she gleaned from Estelle, Jack's like "I know, I was there." They reach the stone circle, and Owen channels the Wikipedia entry some more. Gwen dismissively points out that anyone could have made the circle, Jack gets disproportionately angry in asking why she keeps doubting him, "I spell out the dangers, you keep looking for explanations." Gwen tells him that's the whole point of police work, because apparently she still hasn't progressed to remembering where she actually works. Jack points out that they're not doing police work, Gwen suggests it's the point of science, then, Jack tells her they're not doing that either. So... what are you doing here, Jack? If you don't want to come up with a better explanation than waving your hands and saying "a wizard did it!", why even bother to investigate?

Paedo lies asleep in his jail cell, but is woken by a sudden wind to see a winged Gollum fly at his face. A police officer hears his screams and goes to investigate.

Mum hears Jasmine laughing and talking about unicorns and forests and what not and does likewise. She tells Jasmine it sounded like she was talking to someone. Jasmine stares blankly. Mum concludes that she was just talking to herself and leaves.

Police officer leads the Torchwood crew into Paedo's cell and tells them about how much sense his sudden death does not make. None of the other prisoners saw anything, he was inside a locked cell, and he's suffocated without any marks indicating pressure applied to his face. Somebody call in Jonathan Creek! Gwen reaches into Paedo's throat and pulls out... an octagonal coin! Just kidding, it's a petal. Tosh looks shocked, Jack looks exceedingly concerned. Then Gwen reaches into Paedo's throat and pulls out... an octagonal coin! Just kidding, it's a petal. Tosh looks shocked, Jack looks exceedingly concerned. Repeat until mind numbing. Tosh says she's never seen anything like that before, Jack gravely whispers "I have."

Estelle's lighting candles and holding up weird glowy stones and chanting "Let the energies flow. Help me find them again!" She hears the sound of flitting Monster Vision outside and wanders slooowly into the darkness to investigate and dammit, I thought I wasn't going to have to deal with that again! Eventually she reaches her kitchen or whatever, and the window explodes. Woo.

Hub. Jack watches CCTV footage of Paedo twitching about in his cell and comments that he was, indeed, a paedophile. Gwen asks what the petals are all about, Jack tells her it's "Just a bit of fun on their part." And then immediately contradicts himself; it's a punishment, or a warning to others to stay away from the "Chosen Ones", and then comments that "somehow children and the spirit world go together." Tosh asks how they can stop them, which is Jack's cue to go off again on how terrifying the fairies are, but I'm sure as hell not recapping any more of that. He's thankfully interrupted in his ranting by a phone ringing; it's Estelle, who admits that Jack was right, the fairies are evil, and they've come for her. Jack tells her to stay where she is, they're on their way.

So, of course, Estelle proceeds to immediately (but also incredibly slowly) do the exact opposite of staying where she is, because she's a total moron. Moses the cat makes a strangled cat noise from outside the house, Estelle stupidly goes out to see what's wrong, and finds herself locked out in a sudden highly localised monsoon. The Symmetric Hyena trundles its merry way along to her place, but the Torchwood crew arrive too late to save Estelle. Jack has himself some angst about this, like he wasn't already annoyingly far removed from the happy-go-lucky Jack we knew and loved on Doctor Who. Gwen thinks this is a totally appropriate time to be all "Your dad was you! You can't fool me!" Jack tells her "We once made a vow that we'd be with each other until we died", because as we all know, Jack Harkness is all about committed monogamous relationships.

Back at the Hub, Gwen asks more about Jack and Estelle's relationship so he can be all nostalgic, but she doesn't ask anything like, say, "You're looking pretty great for someone who'd have to be at least, like, 80 years old for this relationship to have occurred. What kind of miracle shampoo are you using?" Which you'd think she'd be at least a tiny bit interested in, really. After Jack's finished on his nostalgia trip, Gwen asks where he'd seen the petals from Paedo's mouth before, "Was that during the war?" "No," Jack replies, "Long before then", and gives the ol' Thousand Yard Stare of Impending Flashback.

Lahore, 1909, the captions tell us, though who knows when in Jack's increasingly convoluted personal timeline it lies. We're sepia-toned again, so this'd be the more comprehensible version of the flashes we saw earlier. A steam train steams its way along a railway, and Jack voiceovers that the train contains 15 men, with him in charge. We cut inside to see all these 15 men laughing and smiling and playing cards and other such joviality. Voiceover Jack helpfully informs us that "Everyone was happy", pauses, and then seriously, honest to God, adds "Too happy." Oh man. We cut back to present day Jack for the line "Then we hit a tunnel", for some reason, then we're back to the flashback. There's the familiar Monster Vision flapping noise, and Voiceover Jack says "We thought some birds had flown in through an open window", and I have to assume he's either psychic or using the royal 'we' here, because none of the other men say anything to this effect, and it's not like he could have asked them what they thought the sound was later. DRAMATIC WHISPER: "Then came the silence." Ooooh, spooky. And then the train passes out of the tunnel, and Jack gawks at all the rest of the men lying dead with mouths stuffed full of petals. Back to present day in the Hub, Gwen asks why the men were killed. Jack tells her that "About a week earlier, some of them had got drunk. Drove a truck through a village. Ran over a child, killed her. That child was a Chosen One." So, why did the fairies leave Jack alone? And how exactly did he explain this away to his superiors anyway? What? I already told you, we're not actually explaining anything this week! Who the hell cares? A wizard did it!

Jasmine's house. Jasmine sits up in bed and smiles at whatever offscreen antics the fairies are performing to entertain her. Downstairs, Mum turns off the lights, then goes outside and looks confused for some reason. Monster vision swoops down towards her, but she goes back inside and shuts the door before it can get to her.

Gwen and Rhys come home together from somewhere (which seems to be a pretty major event in itself, what with all the 'new job taking Gwen away from her normal home life' stuff that is the entire point of Rhys's existence) to find their place totally trashed. While Rhys rants about what bastards the supposed burglars are, Gwen stares in horror at the petals scattered around the floor.

Jasmine skips out of her house in school uniform, Mum ties balloons to a lamppost and tells her to hurry back from school tonight, "you don't want to miss our party, do you?" "I'd rather play down the garden," Jasmine snottily responds. While Jasmine walks over to the car, Mum admits to Roy that he's right about Jasmine spending too much time in the garden. Roy darkly tells her he's "going to put a stop to things" and follows Jasmine, while Mum goes back into the house. Roy conversationally asks what Jasmine will do when they start building in the garden, "it'll happen one day, you know." Jasmine just glares, leading Roy to ask if she's ever going to have a conversation with him, and petulantly add "No wonder your dad left when you were a baby." That's so wildly unnecessary it made me laugh. Does that make me a bad person? Jasmine waves at the lurking Monster Vision, then gets into the car. Roy asks who she was waving at. "Just friends," she tells him. He snorts and dismisses this; "You don't have friends." Ha ha! But, seriously, it's kind of stupid that they made him such a cartoonishly pure evil Abusive Stepfather when they already had the cartoonishly evil role filled by the late Paedo.

At school, all the kids are out in the playground, and a couple of girls walk up behind Jasmine and push her over. Teacher sees her fall and comes over to ask if someone pushed her, Jasmine says yes, but she doesn't know who. But since the bullies are standing right there glaring at her at this point, I imagine she's lying on that part.

Jack arrives at Gwen's place and she tells him at length, and speaking incredibly damn quickly, about how she never used to feel threatened in her own home, but now these creatures can invade her life on a whim, and she's SCARED, Jack. "What chance did Estelle have, what chance do any of us have?" Jack says nothing and wanders slowly across the room, picking up a couple of stones from a table. Gwen asks about the Chosen Ones he mentioned earlier and has to yell "TELL ME, JACK!" before he actually answers; "All these so-called 'fairies' were children once. From different moments in time, going back millennia. Part of the Lost Lands. The lands that belonged to them. They want what's theirs. The next Chosen One." I've quoted him in full in the hope that typing it all out would make it make some sense, but... no deal. If they all started out as children, then got taken by the fairies, who used to be children, where did the fairies come from in the first place?

At school, Jasmine sits on a fence while the two bullies point and laugh at her, then come over and push her over again, accusing her of telling on them, even though they were standing right there when she didn't. Monster Vision is going to have something to say about that! Sure enough, it swoops down, and the wind starts to pick up. Meanwhile, at the Hub, Tosh is picking up unusual weather patterns localised on Coed y Garreg Primary, and the crew gear up to go investigate. The wind picks up more, and the two bullies look all frightened while Jasmine watches and laughs. The rest of the kids in the playground scream and run inside while the teacher comes over to get the bullies.

Meanwhile, Roy's building a fence in front of the giant garden forest, and, in more ludicrous over-the-top-ness, laughing gleefully to himself.

The Hyena swerves its way into the school car park, and we can see that it has "TORCHWOOD" neatly embossed on the side, which doesn't seem like the best tactic for a supposedly secret organisation. The crew get out, and while everyone else heads into the building, Gwen wanders into the playground on her own for some stupid reason, and looks fearfully up into the sky, where Monster Vision flits at her and giggles, and then she runs away. That certainly served no purpose whatsoever.

Inside, the crew are interviewing the teacher, whose name is Kate, apparently. She's telling them the usual "never seen anything like it", and mentions that a couple of girls were almost scared to death, but no one was actually hurt. So, the fairies killed Estelle for... taking pictures of them? I guess? But these girls, who were causing actual, physical harm to their 'Chosen One', just get their hair messed up a bit. Yeah, that makes sense. Kate continues, "There was Jasmine in the middle of it all. She hadn't been touched. The sun was shining down on her. It was like an aura, like something protecting her." So, looks like Torchwood have found themselves the Chosen One. I'm sure we'll finally get the plot moving a little now, right? And also, Owen and Tosh appear to have vanished again. Huh.

Jasmine's house. Party's in full swing, and a banner on the wall says "LYNN & ROY, 5 HAPPY YEARS" so we can finally learn Mum's actual name. Roy mingles with the guests outside, while Lynn organises food in the kitchen and asks Jasmine if she was scared by the sudden tornado at school. "It was fun," Jasmine tells her. Lynn looks concerned and moves onto the 'friends' Roy said she was waving at in the morning. Jasmine tells her Roy couldn't see them because they were in the trees. Lynn looks more confused. Outside, Roy sticks some burgers on the barbecue, which simmers ominously. Earth; the petals that killed Paedo, water; the rain that killed Estelle, air; the wind that did not at all kill the bullies, and now fire. Uh huh. Lynn asks who the friends are. "Just friends," Jasmine says. Lynn tells her she should have invited them to the party, and asks where she met them. Jasmine doesn't tell her that, just that "They can be anywhere and everywhere, they said they'd always look after me, even through time."

Lynn and Jasmine bring the food outside, and Roy tells Jasmine to hurry up, the guests are getting hungry. Jasmine puts the food on a table and heads straight for the forest to find the fence Roy built. She kicks it and cries "No! No, please no!" Roy comes over and tells her to get away. Jasmine ignores him and continues trying to push the fence down, so Roy grabs her arm and tries to pull her away. Jasmine kicks him in the shin, he slaps her and calls her an "igloo bitch". OK, so it didn't really sound like 'igloo' this time, but man, what is with all the "[unintelligible] bitch!" cries in this show? Roy heads back to the party, hiding his abusive hand in his pocket, and a storm suddenly starts to brew. Lynn moans that "that's all we need", but Roy smiles and tells her it's just a bit of bad weather. Lynn asks where Jasmine is, Roy shrugs and tells her "she's around" and pulls her in for a kiss. Meanwhile, the Hyena swerves around a corner and the camera zooms in on the "Old Forest Road" sign, as if it has some major significance. Roy gives a speech about he and Lynn's five happy years, and how they're looking forward to having "children of their own", which you'd think Lynn might have a bit of a problem with, but I guess maybe she, like all the party guests, is distracted by winged Gollums landing on a tree behind Roy.

The guests all scatter, and the Torchwood crew arrive to help guide them in this difficult task, but the Gollums surround Roy, who tries without too much success to look convincing cowering from their CGI claws. One of them bursts through the garden fence, another pushes Roy to the ground and sticks its hand down his throat, and a third leaps on to Jack and starts strangling him. Jasmine watches it all and smiles, then walks through the newly created hole in the fence. Jack and Gwen follow Jasmine while Lynn cries over Roy's petal-stuffed body, and yeah, I was surprised they went that way again instead of chargrilling him. And yeah, it's usually a good thing to signpost, but not actually take the seemingly obvious route in your writing, but that kind of depends on the surprise twist actually serving a purpose.

Jack tells Jasmine that the forest is just an illusion, her friends are playing a game with her, then shouts up to the sky where the fairies flit "The real forest can never come back!" But Jasmine disagrees; "It can. When they take me to it." Jack grabs her and holds her in front of him as a shield from the fairies, and yells that they can't take "the child", she belongs here. Gwen kneels down in front of Jasmine and asks if she doesn't want to stay with her mother; Jasmine shakes her head. In the garden, Owen and Tosh hold Lynn back from going into the forest. Jack asks what will happen if he doesn't let the fairies take Jasmine; they'll kill a bunch of people, they'll kill every living thing. Jack asks the fairies, should he let them take her, "the child won't be harmed?" There's some more incoherent rambling that frankly I cannot make head nor tail of, but I guess Jack can because somehow he reaches the conclusion that "there will be no more chosen ones." And the fairies, speaking through Jasmine now, answer; "They'll find us, back in time." OK, so they take children from their parents, and they can travel back and forth in time. I see why Jack has some issues with these guys! Anyway, Jack reaches the conclusion that he can't do anything to stop them and lets them take Jasmine away, Gwen cries "Jack, you can't", and he yells "You ask me what chance we have against them? For the sake of the world, THIS!! is our only chance!" And Jasmine skips into the forest and turns into light, and Lynn runs screaming after her, but she's gone. Jack tells her he's sorry, and she runs at him and beats on his chest and collapses to the ground in tears. And this is all very well acted, but a lot of the plot was completely incoherent, and all-powerful villains with literally no weaknesses just don't make for a very satisfying story. And also, was there any reason for Torchwood to even be in this episode? They didn't actually do anything at all. I don't know. I just really, really Don't Get It.

I'll tell you what though, I really do dig the glockenspiel. The music has been really perfect. Thumbs up there! So, the music glocks one last spiel and in the Hub, Gwen takes a closer look at one of the Cottingley hoax photos, and discovers that one of the fairies is Jasmine. Surprise!

Next week: The crew go for a camping trip and get hunted by horror film clichés, and oh my word, is it ever awful.