Die-Cut Corny

Torchwood Episode 1x06 - "Countrycide"

Episode grade: D


So, let's talk for a moment about episode grades, shall we? Yeah, I'm distracting myself from recapping, as usual, but also, I kind of have to fill this one with irrlevant tangents, as it would otherwise be about two sentences long, because that is the sum total of plot here. So, generally speaking, grades will range somewhere between an A+ (totally awesome) and C- (really lame). To earn a lower grade, an episode is either going to have to break new ground in just how dull it can be, or, more likely, break new ground in just how dumb it can be, in which case it may well end up actually being more entertaining than a C- episode, because shaking my head in horrified disbelief is probably a better reaction than falling asleep, right? Like, say you have flashbacks that utterly contradict everything you've learned about a major character up to that point, and then the major conflict of the episode is resolved in the most unbelievably stupid way possible, and THEN the big reveal at the end is that the flashback character sold their soul for a motherfucking TRUCK. That, my friend, will earn you a shiny, shiny F grade. Of course, the really special episodes manage to do both, and that's what we're looking at here.

So, this particular trainwreck starts with some nameless cannon fodder driving at night over a hill in the middle of nowhere, talking on her phone. And no, it's not a hands-free, so fuck her, she deserves everything she gets. Oh, and get this; The Automatic's "Monster" is playing on her car stereo. Yeah. Nameless Cannon Fodder loses phone signal, and then sees what appears to be a guy in a hoodie lying in the road in front of her. She gets out of her car, and I must give some credit for the baseball bat she takes with her, and nudges the body, asking "Are you alright?" Something stalks across the screen behind her, impossibly (Yes, I know this is a sci-fi and/or fantasy show. Just trust me on this.) fast. What is that coming over the hill? Is it a horror movie cliché? Is it a horror movie cliCHÉ?! NCF pokes the body some more, but, SURPRISE! It's not a body, it's a football dressed up in people clothes! Why, how on earth did that get there? NCF scrambles back into her car to get away, but the key's missing from the ignition. She tries her phone, which still has no signal, and locks the doors, but duh, That Coming Over The Hill has her keys. Cut to a long shot of the car with NCF's screams dubbed over it so we can't actually see what's That Coming Over The Hill.

And credits. Chris Chibnall, you've done it again. The good news: this is his last for a good long while. The bad news: he's writing the finale.

We return to the Symmetric Hyena hurtling its away along no doubt the same hill, dark clouds looming overhead. I'm going to hit the pause button right here for a while, partly because the landscape is really rather pretty in this shot right here, partly because my housemate Dave is playing "Do You Realize??" right now. And, obviously, because I hate this stupid episode. Owen opines "I hate the countryside," and I must assume he is spelling it with an 's' and not doing the punning title thing that is pretty much better than any other part of this episode. Because I cannot bring myself to agree with Owen about anything, ever. Because I hate him, as I hate all Montagues and thee, Chibnall.

Having parked the Hyena in the one part of this endless road that isn't deserted, containing as it does a caravan/burger bar with "LAST STOP" subtly painted on the side, Jack puts on his leaderin' boots and gets on with the exciting business of expositing. 17 disappearance in the last 5 months, police are clueless. For once he doesn't embellish it with all kinds of completely useless and irrelevant information. (Hypocri-wha?) I don't know who you are any more, Jack. Hearing the words 'clueless police' gives Owen an unmissable opportunity to take a dig at Gwen, and that incontinent puppy leaps right onto those brand new trainers. But, as we know and despise, it's only because he secretly loooooves her. Tosh may have got through five episodes thus far without exhibiting any signs of character, but she's damn sure going to be a professional non-entity, so she leads Jack back into the exposition; the only thing linking the disappearances is the fact that they were all in this general area and none of the bodies have been found. Gwen asks if the RiftMouth could have spread this far out of Cardiff. It's probably safe to assume that it hasn't, because what would they fill episode space with without all the pornographic aerial shots? Ianto (OMEG WHAT IS HE DOING LEAVING THE HUB) buys burgers for everyone but Tosh, who waits until they've taken bites to mention that the Doublemeat Medley is people. I mean, that a friend of hers caught hepatitis from a dodgy burger. See, but, the Return To The Last Stop Burger Bar Medley is probably actually people, so it works on multiple levels! Everybody but Owen puts down their hepatitis burgers and Jack gets out a map, points out the place where NCF lost her phone signal and tells everyone it "seems as good a place as any to set up camp." Unlike hepatitis, the prospect of 'setting up camp' seems enough to make Owen lose his appetite, as he is a City Folk who does not like The Nature. Come on, Owen, it's a Doctor Who spinoff where EVERYBODY IS BISEXUAL. Don't tell me you weren't expecting camp.

Cut to everyone setting up camp except Owen, who is being a sulky 5-year old, of course. Tosh smirkingly makes an obvious single-entendre about needing help "getting" his "tent" "up", Owen throws it back in her face by bitching "If I did [need help], I wouldn't ask you." Tosh looks upset while Gwen stares at Owen all "OMG, he is totally talking about MEEEE!!!" That Coming Over The Hill-eye view watches them all from a distance at breathes heavily into the camera. Quit it with the damn Monster Vision already.

Clouds go really fast across the sky to show time passing, and now it's time for The Most Retarded Set-Up For Character Conflict Ever! Oh boy! So, get this: After admonishing Owen for all his bitching, Gwen decides to start a fun game; everyone answer the question "Who's the last person you snogged?"! Quite aside from the fact that she sounds like a seven year old (Owen basically makes the same point, but he says "eight year old", so ice-cream salesmen in Hell can be safe in the knowledge that I am still not agreeing with him), this is so monumentally stupid and contrived, I don't even know where to start. So, Gwen goes first; Rhys, of course. Tosh brings out the basic flaw in the idea of this being fun, because her answer is Owen, as long ago as Christmas, but Gwen could certainly be excused for not realising that would happen. However, as anyone who actually watches this show (specifically, "Cyberwoman") knows (and Gwen, this includes you, idiot), that's just the tip of the iceberg. Owen's answer is Gwen, of course, and SHE WAS THERE, so I don't know why the fuck she's acting so put out that he says so. Jack momentarily releives the tension by answering with a question; "Are you including non-human life forms?", Ianto brings the tension right the fuck back by answering "Mine was Lisa." (Actually, it was Jack, but Ianto was unconscious at the time, so I guess I can excuse his incorrect answer.) Owen breaks the uncomfortable silence that follows by telling everyone he's going to get firewood. Gwen offers to go with him. Jack sits and glares at Ianto.

Gwen, as it turns out, is going with Owen so that she can bitch at him for actually playing her stupid game, and seriously, this is so fucking stupid. Owen insinuates that Rhys is probably no good in bed, Gwen shoves him against a tree for it, he twists around so that he's the one pushing her against a tree and gets delightfully borderline rapist holding her there and asking "When was the last time you came so hard and so long you forgot where you are?" They're trying so hard to be Gritty And Real, and therein lies the problem; I've seen black holes less forced than this scene. (You know, because black holes exert an extremely strong gravitational force? OK, so I've seen black holes less forced than my analogy too.) Gwen pretty much stops resisting at this point, while Owen whispers decidedly unsweet (and yet, still nauseating) nothings at her. Gwen spots That Coming Over The Hill lurking in the trees behind them, and they pretend to continue making out while actually whisperingly formulating a plan of attack, which is exactly the kind of cool-headed professionality I've come to expect from Torchw... HA HA HA! I'm sorry, I just can't keep a straight face.

Totally irrelevant paragraph: I do actually fully expect (and also love) that kind of cool-headed professionality from Veronica Mars, and the reason I am saying this right here is to log the following question; Why the hell did it take me so long to jump onto that particular bandwagon? Given Battlestar Galactica and Arrested Development, it's a reccuring question. Nonetheless, hell no, I'm not going to watch The Office, whatever side of the Atlantic it's coming from.

So, Torchwood. Owen and Gwen's cool-headed, professional plan consists entirely of "you go left, I'll go right", so they're still recognisable as their incompetent selves, but it's certainly a step up. They run around for a bit, while no tension builds up, and then run into each other, of course, and then find a pretty gross bloody skeleton.

Later, the rest of the crew have gathered, Ianto puts out "POLICE DO NOT ENTER" tape, which is kind of hilarious, really. Owen's put on his doctorin' boots, and is performing an autopsy; this isn't the nameless cannon fodder from the teaser, as this one was male, and there are no signs of blood spatter or a struggle, so his body must have been brought to this spot after his death. Gwen asks the obvious question; why? No one really knows; all the missing flesh and organs make it impossible for Owen to determine a cause of death. Tosh suggests Weevils (and hey, more excuse for Veronica Mars reference right there! But I could stick to the usual Whedon works if you prefer; skin totally removed, eh?), Jack nixes that, as Weevils don't leave corpses looking like that. All this idle speculation is interrupted by the sound of an engine starting; someone's making off with the Hyena! Oh no you di'n't! And as if that wasn't enough, they add insult to injury by quite deliberately driving straight through the crew's tents. Ha! Jack's got serious anguish face going on here. He looks way more upset by the loss of the van than he did by Estelle's death last week, but, you know, it's Jack, so there's every chance that the Hyena is also a past/present/future lover of his.

More time passes, and Owen's apologising because it's totally his fault for leaving the keys in the ignition. The useless fucking tool. That wasn't really necessary, but I can't pass up this opportunity. While the others figure out that the dumped carcass was a decoy to lure them away from the Hyena, Ianto, being the competent one (when he's not too busy emoing out), gets to tracking it with one of the many portable Mac Guffins they have. Owen assumes they'll be getting as far away as they can, as fast as possible, but he's wrong, LIKE HE IS ALWAYS WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING EVER; they've actually parked not far away from this very spot. Gwen does some map reading and discovers that the only notable landmark anywhere near this deserted middle of nowhere place that they are is a nearby small village. She doesn't name it, but I'm guessing it's called Royston Vasey, or perhaps Wispydale. Also, this new information does beg the question, why are they out here camping in the middle of fucking nowhere instead of, y'know, going to the only notable location anywhere near the general area of all these murders, no? Tosh gets all Akbar, like, no shit, but Jack decides they should go aimlessly blundering in anyway, what's the worst that could happen, right? Dude is not giving up his precious vannykins without a fight.

Ooh, another hella pretty landscape shot. It's pause time again, for that, and because I'm reaching my stupidity tolerance limit with the whole "It sure is a trap, let's go fall in it!" thing. I'm supplying my own musical accompaniment this time; Elbow - "Love Blown Down". Don't be sending acid through the post.

Let's see if the stupidity has dispersed a little now. The crew walk into the village, That Coming Over The Hill watches from a window and breathes heavy some more. So far so good. Jack's first order; split up. OH, COME ON. I know it's not entirely obvious that you've stepped into a lame slasher film this week yet, but still. For fuck's sake. OK, so Tosh and Ianto go off to look for the Hyena while the others head for the local pub, which is no doubt called The Winchester. And then my computer crashes and explodes the next couple of paragraphs, so I hope you'll excuse me if I gloss over this part a little. Frankly, it deserves it. So, the pub's deserted, except upstairs Gwen finds another corpse. Jack hears a noise outside, and he and Gwen go rushing out to investigate, leaving Owen behind. I'm not complaining about that particular point, of course, but wha? Well, there's no one out there, so Jack decides to go door to door looking for murderers, and for some reason sends Gwen, the NOT immortal one, in front of him to open the door, so that she can get the full wrath of whatever totally not human thing it is that's killing all these people. Again, not complaining, per se, but it's kind of stupid. They enter one house, and find another corpse. Gwen would like to take this opportunity to anviliciously point out, sadly not for the last time this episode, that whatever did this couldn't possibly be human. Because humans sure don't ever kill other humans. Nuh uh. People don't kill people, evil space monsters from space do.

Winchester. Owen tells the corpse that "whatever they were [certainly not HUMAN!]," he hopes it put up a good fight. Or, you know, he hopes the corpse's previous inhabitant put up a good fight. Whatever. It's a wholly unnecessary scene to further reiterate that THIS WAS NOT THE WORK OF PEOPLE OK.

Meanwhile, Tosh and Ianto are trekking towards the apparent location of the Hyena, which appears to be a big ol' farmhouse. Ianto tries the door while Tosh helpfully kicks at farm equipment outside. They stop on hearing a scream, which Ianto absurdly tries to pass of as "just a fox or something" and then they decide to go around the back of the building to investigate, Tosh taking one side and Ianto the other. So they've been in Wispydale, what, five minutes? And already their crew of five has split into four separate groups. SMRT. Tosh pulls out her gun and starts trying to kick in the back door, which doesn't budge. She's startled by Ianto appearing from the other side of the building, and maybe it's kind of stupid for her to be shocked by his appearance, considering the arduous trip around the farmhouse took all of five seconds, but to be fair, I wasn't expect Ianto to emerge either, because the horror film contrivance that's taken over this week ought to have made him disappear as soon as Tosh let him out of her sight. Also, I've just noticed we can add 'Ianto is unarmed' to the rapidly growing number of stupid flaws in Jack's stellar "plan". The camera follows Ianto as he wanders up the hill behind the farmhouse, telling Tosh that they should carry on up that way. But, alas, all of a sudden, Tosh is nowhere to be found. Shocking. Oh, hey, Ianto is armed after all, he just didn't think to pull out his gun until now. That's... still pretty stupid. That Coming Over The Hill, Certainly Not Human sneaks up behind Ianto and knocks him to the floor. Dun. Dun. Dun.

Jack and Gwen leave the house and move onto the next, and this time, when Gwen busts open the door, she gets a shotgun blast in the stomach for her trouble. Now, I'd say "I hate to say I told you so", Jack, but... I really don't. Jack rushes inside and yells at the panic-stricken kid who fired the shot to put his gun down on the floor. The kid complies and explains "I thought you were them, I thought you'd come back for me". Jack asks what exactly he means by 'them', but before he can answer, we cut to Gwen lying on the floor outside. One thing's for sure though; they certainly aren't human.

Camera swirls around above Gwen's head, and Owen's voice as he comes running over to her is rather faint, because a shotgun blast at point blank range can make you lose focus. Jack and Owen rush her into a house and lay her down on the kitchen table, and Twitchy Kid trails behind. Owen jokes "I bet you thought you'd never be glad to see me" and then does the whole calm-voiced doctoring thing and gets Gwen, who's trying desperately to look at her own wound, to apply pressure and suchlike. You know what, I actually like him when he's being Dr. Owen Harper, why can't he be like this more often? Hell, if it takes Gwen getting shot in the chest every week, then, well, that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make. Owen's verdict is that Gwen has been lucky; bullets lodged near the surface, and no damage to vital organs. While he works on removing the bullets, Gwen starts stroking his hair and asks if he misses being a doctor. Owen protests that he still is a doctor, he just doesn't get so many patients any more, and they share a tender moment. In the middle of him PULLING BULLETS OUT OF HER STOMACH. This is so weird that I don't have the presence of mind to be disgusted.

They quickly break it up when Jack comes clomping down the stairs, complaining that Tosh and Ianto are taking too long to get his Hyena back. Owen points out that it might be locked up or guarded, Twitchy Kid helpfully adds "Or they could be DEAD!! Everyone else is!" Jack tells him to sit down and explain what happened; "It's not human!" No, seriously, he says that. Drink! Also, his mum won't be expecting him back for the weekend. Jack promises that they'll get him home, TK continues his pessimism by telling him "they're too strong, you can't fight them." Jack ignores him, which is probably the best plan of action, and comes up with the cunning plan of making base at The Winchester. See, it's totally the right name for it. Owen asks if they should go after Tosh and Ianto, but Jack says no, and goes to help carry Gwen. Owen tells him "It's alright, I've got her," Jack gives him major suspicious eyes. Gwen tells Owen she can manage on her own anyway, then promptly falls into his arms as soon as she tries to. Ha!

Meanwhile, Tosh wakes up in a dusty cellar somewhere, while Ianto clutches a crowbar and tells her he never liked camping. Tosh looks around the place, Ianto's being the twitchy kid in this situation, telling her it's a waste of time, and they're deep underground with no chance of rescue. Tosh tries to keep his spirits up, telling him that they won't need to be rescued, "I haven't met a cell yet I couldn't get out of." It's a good attempt, but I can't say that Tosh strikes me as someone who's got into very many cells in the first place. Tosh accidentally puts her hand in a pool of blood, which gets Ianto going about the body they found in the woods earlier. Tosh tells him not to think about it and gives him a pointless task to keep him busy, Ianto moans about how the rest of them are used to this kind of thing, and they get this look on their faces like they're enjoying it. Tosh asks if he wants her to apologise for that, but no, he just wants to keep right on ranting, thanks. "Don't you ever wonder how long you can survive before... before you go mad? Or get killed? Or lose a loved one?" Tosh interrupts; "It's worth the risk! To protect people!" But who will protect the protectors, Ianto demands to know. Tosh pauses for a while, thinking long and hard about the perfect words to say, and eventually comes out with "God, I'm hungry". You know what, me too. Excuse me a moment.

Mmmhmm, good sandwich. OK, so, Tosh stops with the getting in Ianto's face now and looks around the room some more and finds... a shoe. And then another. And then a whole pile of them. "Oh my god," Ianto breathes. It's worse than we could have ever imagined! They've been kidnapped by foot fetishists! Oh, wait, there's a pile of other clothes too. He's just shocked because there are so many, suggesting a large number of victims. Right. Tosh also finds a fridge, all of a sudden, and who knows how the heck it took her so long to spot that. She takes a look inside, and is shocked by the contents, which we don't get to see, because I'm sure there's no way we'll have figured it out by now. She tells Ianto he doesn't want to look, so of course he does, and is also shocked. And now the big reveal, and oh my God, they're right! Those severed body parts are well past their sell-by dates!

Winchester. Owen has reverted to his natural state of bitching about Jack's plan, this time because barricading the door is going to be kind of unhelpful to Tosh and Ianto, which is valid, I guess. Jack is sure that Tosh and Ianto can handle themselves, "Our first priority is the kid", who, despite being 'first priority' now, is still not important enough to warrant a name. Gwen's writing up what meager information they have on the darts scoreboard, Owen protests that she shoul be resting, she refuses to just sit there and do nothing. It's just like that scene in that film. You know the one. And if you don't, I'm almost certain you can think of many examples that fit just as well. There's some discussion of exactly how many deaths there have been so far, then Gwen sees a shadow moving outside the window, and everyone starts waving their guns around all willy-nilly. highly trained professionals, these guys. Gwen points out that TK said they'd be back, Jack optimistically suggests that they shouldn't jump to conclusions, and then the place descends into darkness, almost as if someone (or something, because THEY SURE AREN'T HUMAN) had cut the power to the building. Everyone gets even more panicky, which is pretty impressive in TK's case. Oh, and either Gwen just likes to shout "Kieran!" in the dark, or that's what TK's actual name is. Well, it's not like it matters, he's got about thirty seconds of screentime left before he's kibble. Oops, did I spoil the dramatic tension? So sorry.

The cellar door starts rattling around, and we spend a while watching that, which is immensely thrilling, for sure, and then Twitchy Kieran starts firing his shotgun at nothing in particular, and there's a bunch of random cuts, which, coupled with the darkness, make it impossible to tell what the heck is going on, but I guess TK's being dragged out of a window? Jack holds Gwen back from going after him, and they have a big ol' shouting match, which is exceedingly remniscent of the shotuing match they had in the last episode. And the one before that. Anyway, the eventual conclusion is Jack letting an injured Gwen run off into probable death, Owen trailing behind her. Hooray!

Down in the cellar of chilled human chops, Ianto and Tosh are attempting with no success to break down the door, when it opens up and a woman walks in with a shotgun. Ianto jumps her and a couple of shots get fired, but nobody gets hit. She's another in the soon to be endless list of annoying unnamed characters in this episode, so I'm going to arbitrarily call her Gladys. Gladys assures Tosh and Ianto she's not going to hurt them, they're both pretty wary of her, and, even though she's the only one with a weapon here, we get a bit of Mexican standoff going on. Gladys claims to be a nurse and wants to check them for injuries, but they're not grokking that one. She asks if anyone knows they're here or if they've been able to call for help, which ought to flick on some red lights. Tosh bravados that they don't need any help, and then admits that there are three more of them in the village. Gladys is supposedly suddenly spooked by nothing in particular, and then 'admits' that she was sent to take Tosh and Ianto to 'them'. I really don't see the point in that particular deception. Why not just say "We can escape this way!" and lead them right into the same trap? Oh, did I spoil things again? Yeah, who cares. THE BIG REVEAL: That Coming Over The Hill is human! They're being hunted by cannibals! And Gladys is one of them! Also, every single person you see from now on who isn't a Torchwood crew member. But somehow, I think we're supposed to be surprised each and every time this turns out to be true. There's also some bollocksy mythological stuff about a harvest once every ten years, and that is literally as much explanation as that ever gets, so what the fuck ever.

In between all that, Jack's been left all on his lonesome, which, why? Seriously, what possible reason could he have for not going with Gwen and Owen? Give me a 'C', give me an 'O', give me an 'N, and so on until you've spelt 'contrivance'. Because this way, Jack gets to be alone when he finds a room full of jars o' body parts and also another cannibal pretending to be a victim, and so he can be all SHOCKING! and DARK! and shit by torturing the dude for information. Because some time in his convoluted personal history, he was a torturer! Hell, why not. I can't believe there's still fifteen minutes of this goddamned episode left. Cannibal Number Whatever, who shall henchforth be known as Cuthbert Q. Salisbury, agrees to tell Jack everything if he'll only stop the terrible pain he's causing with his vulcan Death Grip. So naturally, when he's about to tell all, we cut to elsewhere.

Owen's helping Gwen to walk along a country road somewhere, when a police car approaches. Owen grumbles "That's all we bloody need", Gwen tells him to stay quiet, "I'll get rid of him". I don't know how much more of this idiocy I can take. OK, fine, P.C. Cannibal has not heard of Torchwood, and would like to know what is wrong with Gwen. Owen gives a dismissive "you wouldn't understand", and I know that Owen thinks the police are idiots, that's a big character trait of his, but she was SHOT in the STOMACH. what is there to understand? P.C. Cannibal also feels like randomly expositing about the official village meeting going on in that big building over there, and Gwen and Owen go rushing towards it. Honestly, I think Chibnall's given up caring at this point too.

Gladys leads Tosh and Ianto into another room, full of strung up bodies and eyeball jars and everything else you'd expect in a cannibal kitchen. Another guy (let's call him Stanley), who thankfully isn't even trying to hide his alleigance, walks in and now is when we actually get the big reveal that MAN IS THE REAL MONSTER! MAN! that I fired off a little prematurely. Gladys and Stanley cackle and then start making out. Ianto tries to jump then while they're distracted, but to no avail. Stanley takes them both out quite easily and ties them up. Oh, and TK's there too. Tosh asks who he is, Stanley tells her "He's meat. We're all just meat" and then gets out a baseball bat because "meat has to be tenderised first." And apparently Stanley likes his meat with mountains of cheese, too. There's vague rapist undertones as Stanley inspects Tosh and then moves onto Ianto, who smiles cheerily at him before nutting him in the face. Which is totally awesome, for sure, but really not worth the many, many bad parts of this episode. Anyway, Tosh manages to get away as a result, and we're getting ever closer to the wrapping this shit up, so triumphs all around.

Outside, Tosh is lying down in the long grass, which works surprisingly well, because Stanley fails miserably to find her. I guess now that we know that MAN IS THE REAL MONSTER! they can't have any superhuman skills any more. But then Stanley laughs and walks away from Tosh's oh so effective hiding place, and she waits approximately one picosecond before getting up and crashing loudly through the undergrowth. Shockingly, this attracts Stanley's attention, and since her hands are still tied, it's not hard for him to knock Tosh to the ground again. He starts taunting her, saying "no one's coming for you", so she kicks him in the balls and escapes AGAIN. You're pretty fucking useless at this, Stanley. Dr. Lecter would be ashamed.

8 minutes to go. Will I make it through this recap without going insane? It's going to be close! Tosh runs through the woods away from Stanley for ever and ever and ever and then she's fallen and she can't get up! Stanley catches up again, of course, and stops playing with his food and starts strangling her. Which means it's time for the cavalry to arrive. Hi, Owen! He points a gun at Stanley's head and tells him to "Get off or I'll shoot!" But, annoyingly, it's an empty promise, because what he actually does when Stanley ignores him is kick him in the head. Can't you just kill him so we can get this shit over with. P.C. Cannibal looms, still pretending to be a good guy, not fooling anyone. Well, except the Torchwood crew, but they've proven themselves to be total morons pretty effectively by now. Gwen tells him to hurry up and arrest Stanley, and he decides to finally have his big shocking reveal and pulls a gun on Owen, who still has his pointed at Stanley. Gwen adds her gun to the back of the chain, and you'd think that would at least make it even, if not balanced towards Torchwood, and yet somehow the cannibals come out on top. Oh yeah, because GWEN IS AN IDIOT.

So, Gwen, Owen and Tosh get led back into the cannibal kitchen, blah blah harvest, Stanley is about to start prepping Ianto for cooking or whatever when, for real, Gladys notices some bowl shaking and all the cannibals stop and stare, and Jack plows through the wall in a tractor and springs into action and demolishes the bad guys. There's about an hour of just Jack pumping away with his shotgun (not a euphemism), and I think we're finally about to reach an end, but then fucking Gwen tells him to stop when he's just about to kill Stanley, the last surviving cannibal (I think), because she wants to question him. I hate you, Gwen Cooper.

So we're back at the Winchester. Gwen asks Stanley if the whole village was involved. "Every generation", he responds. Because that's certainly the kind of thing that could go on for... Fuck it, I cant be bothered any more. Fine. Generations of cannibals have been eating the village very ten years. Great. Gwen gets to the question she actually wants answered; "Why?" Me too, Gwen, me too. Stanley asks why she cares, Gwen goes on a spiel about how she's seen things he wouldn't believe, but this is the only thing she doesn't understand. Sure. Fine. Wonderful. Stanley tells her she can keep on wonering then, Gwen starts yelling at him, he says he'll tell her if he'll let him whisper in her ear. And nobody has a problem with this. Anyone? Jack? You don't have a problem with this guy, who has a taste for human flesh, no remorse, and every reason to believe you plan to kill him in the next five minutes anyway, getting right up close to Gwen's tasty flesh for no specified reason? OK then. Cool. Fantastic. Fabulous. So, Stanley whispers, and what he whispers is "Because it made me happy", and I get what they were going for there, but I really think it would have been much more effective if he hadn't said anything at all.

And, as a reward for sitting through all of that, we get a Gwen voiceover explaining her relationship with Owen. Thank you so much. So, here it is; "I had a good job before this. I thought in a year or two perhaps a baby, I know rhys would be a good dad and I could try for desk sargeant and... Well, it was all slotting into place. And then I met you lot. All these things. All these things, they're changing me. changing how I see the world. and I can't share them with anyone." And at this point we've moved away from voiceover Gwen talking over Gwen sitting down with Rhys to actual Gwen talking to naked Owen in, presumably, his appartment. Yeah, I'm sure everyone in, like, MI5 is all "I cannot talk to my significant other about my work, so I guess I'll have to start fucking my coworkers" too. GET OVER IT.

And we're done. Next time: Tosh gets to develop a character, and I get to stop being such a fucken h8r, thank the Lords of Kobol.